One day at a time - one week done!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
One day at a time - one week done!
Well, today marks a week since I gave up alcohol for the second time. The first time, I quit for around five years. Then, the inevitable thoughts started creeping in: "Other people can drink normally, why can't I?" "I'll just have a drink or two when we're out at dinner." So, on my 20-something birthday, I had a glass of red wine. I can't remember what it tasted like, but the feeling was like a big warm blanket. I don't think I've ever actually liked the taste of alcohol, when I'm 100% honest with myself. It has always been the feeling that has hooked me; entirely chemical.
Of course, fast forward another five years, and I'm drinking at least one bottle of wine per night, at home - and often driving to the shops after that (we live in the middle of nowhere), as one bottle doesn't seem to have much of an effect on me anymore. I'm also eating a truckload WITH the wine. Hello 37 extra kilos - ugh
My dad is a recovering alcoholic - but he used to drink vodka and other spirits. I thought that drinking wine, and being able to stick to just one bottle (most of the time) meant that I didn't have an issue. I've also managed to start and run a successful business, buy property - do normal person things, but with an achey head most of the time. I desperately didn't want to be like my dad.... I'm fecking furious that I am
I've taken so many of those online, "am I an alcoholic," quizzes over the past few months. Each one would tell me I have a serious problem (please contact your doctor!), so I'd then try to find another quiz, which would hopefully give me a better answer, haha. Nutty behaviour! Note: none of them gave me a better answer, lol.
I've known it has been an issue for a while. I hide empty bottles of wine at the back of cupboards, finish bottles then fill them back up with water so my husband doesn't know I've had so much. I even finished our entire "special occasion" bottle of Amaretto, then convinced my husband that it must have evaporated in the sun (he's not a big drinker at all, and I don't think he realises that my story was highly suspect, bless him!)
I should also have had at least a dozen DUIs by now. My husband has no idea....I have driven long stretches of motorway off my face, driven to the shops for more wine after sinking a bottle, picked him up from work in his fancy sports car COMPLETELY wasted etc. I am damn lucky I haven't killed myself or someone else......
It's probably no surprise I have ended up the way I am. My dad is a recovering alcoholic - 15 years sober. My mum is still an alcoholic, in denial. I was quite badly abused (beatings mainly) by both of them growing up - started drinking young - developed an eating disorder (bulimia)- recovered from eating disorder, and still working on improving my relationship with food. Drank a LOT at uni, and got myself into some shonky situations because of it (though at uni, you can get away with drinking a bit more, as everyone is doing it). Got myself in some more bad situations drinking during the early stages of my career. Usually with men. Some bad stuff happened - I'm lucky nothing worse happened. I'm still alive.
Funnily enough, I've thought about AA on and off, but my dad lives in the same area as us, and I just can't bear the thought of bumping into him at a meeting!!! FML - I'm literally humiliated thinking about it. It's bad enough that I turned out like him - I refuse to do the whole cuddly, 12-steps thing with him as well. I do like my dad now but probably haven't 100% forgiven him for what he did (I never got an apology, even when he sobered up, which still stings somewhat - he says that AA teaches you that you can't be responsible for other people's feelings, BUT....I think some admittance of wrong-doing would have helped me - a lot).
Sorry for the long intro! I love writing, something I have neglected while drinking. I have now started writing every day, getting my thoughts and feelings down on paper. It's actually helping a lot, and interestingly I have fewer nightmares when I go to bed now (I have been plagued with them every night since I was a teenager). I plan to read it at the end of the year, and hopefully be proud of how far I've come. I might let my husband read it as well....maybe. We'll see.
I've also got back into my reading big-time. I bought a 1000 page book two days ago, and have already finished it. Typical addictive personality - it's always more, more, more. Can't leave wine in a bottle, can't leave a book unread, haha. I am literally awake 24/7 until it is finished. At least it's a far healthier habit though!
Looking forward to checking in with everyone here, and having a happier, healthier, alcohol-free 2017
Of course, fast forward another five years, and I'm drinking at least one bottle of wine per night, at home - and often driving to the shops after that (we live in the middle of nowhere), as one bottle doesn't seem to have much of an effect on me anymore. I'm also eating a truckload WITH the wine. Hello 37 extra kilos - ugh
My dad is a recovering alcoholic - but he used to drink vodka and other spirits. I thought that drinking wine, and being able to stick to just one bottle (most of the time) meant that I didn't have an issue. I've also managed to start and run a successful business, buy property - do normal person things, but with an achey head most of the time. I desperately didn't want to be like my dad.... I'm fecking furious that I am
I've taken so many of those online, "am I an alcoholic," quizzes over the past few months. Each one would tell me I have a serious problem (please contact your doctor!), so I'd then try to find another quiz, which would hopefully give me a better answer, haha. Nutty behaviour! Note: none of them gave me a better answer, lol.
I've known it has been an issue for a while. I hide empty bottles of wine at the back of cupboards, finish bottles then fill them back up with water so my husband doesn't know I've had so much. I even finished our entire "special occasion" bottle of Amaretto, then convinced my husband that it must have evaporated in the sun (he's not a big drinker at all, and I don't think he realises that my story was highly suspect, bless him!)
I should also have had at least a dozen DUIs by now. My husband has no idea....I have driven long stretches of motorway off my face, driven to the shops for more wine after sinking a bottle, picked him up from work in his fancy sports car COMPLETELY wasted etc. I am damn lucky I haven't killed myself or someone else......
It's probably no surprise I have ended up the way I am. My dad is a recovering alcoholic - 15 years sober. My mum is still an alcoholic, in denial. I was quite badly abused (beatings mainly) by both of them growing up - started drinking young - developed an eating disorder (bulimia)- recovered from eating disorder, and still working on improving my relationship with food. Drank a LOT at uni, and got myself into some shonky situations because of it (though at uni, you can get away with drinking a bit more, as everyone is doing it). Got myself in some more bad situations drinking during the early stages of my career. Usually with men. Some bad stuff happened - I'm lucky nothing worse happened. I'm still alive.
Funnily enough, I've thought about AA on and off, but my dad lives in the same area as us, and I just can't bear the thought of bumping into him at a meeting!!! FML - I'm literally humiliated thinking about it. It's bad enough that I turned out like him - I refuse to do the whole cuddly, 12-steps thing with him as well. I do like my dad now but probably haven't 100% forgiven him for what he did (I never got an apology, even when he sobered up, which still stings somewhat - he says that AA teaches you that you can't be responsible for other people's feelings, BUT....I think some admittance of wrong-doing would have helped me - a lot).
Sorry for the long intro! I love writing, something I have neglected while drinking. I have now started writing every day, getting my thoughts and feelings down on paper. It's actually helping a lot, and interestingly I have fewer nightmares when I go to bed now (I have been plagued with them every night since I was a teenager). I plan to read it at the end of the year, and hopefully be proud of how far I've come. I might let my husband read it as well....maybe. We'll see.
I've also got back into my reading big-time. I bought a 1000 page book two days ago, and have already finished it. Typical addictive personality - it's always more, more, more. Can't leave wine in a bottle, can't leave a book unread, haha. I am literally awake 24/7 until it is finished. At least it's a far healthier habit though!
Looking forward to checking in with everyone here, and having a happier, healthier, alcohol-free 2017
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Welcome to SR, that was a wonderful introduction. Sometimes I believe writing things out can be therapeutic in and of itself. There are many great people on this forum that can help you. Something struck a chord with me, you finished the "special" bottles of booze. When I was at my worst, I also did that. The one I didn't touch was an expensive leather wrapped bottle of Tequila from my father in law from Peru (its sacred), but everything else went down my throat. Congrats on deciding to work towards a life of sobriety.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: England
Posts: 37
Hi brickbybrick. I can relate- I had just under four years sober and started drinking again early last year. 2016 was pretty messed up for me. We can do this again. And this time we'll both know from experience that the underlying problem can never be fixed - we can't go back to 'sensible' drinking (if there is such a thing).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: North East
Posts: 621
Originally Posted by BrickbyBrick83 
Well, today marks a week since I gave up alcohol for the second time. The first time, I quit for around five years. Then, the inevitable thoughts started creeping in: "Other people can drink normally, why can't I?" "I'll just have a drink or two when we're out at dinner." So, on my 20-something birthday, I had a glass of red wine. I can't remember what it tasted like, but the feeling was like a big warm blanket. I don't think I've ever actually liked the taste of alcohol, when I'm 100% honest with myself. It has always been the feeling that has hooked me; entirely chemical.
Of course, fast forward another five years, and I'm drinking at least one bottle of wine per night, at home - and often driving to the shops after that (we live in the middle of nowhere), as one bottle doesn't seem to have much of an effect on me anymore. I'm also eating a truckload WITH the wine. Hello 37 extra kilos - ugh
My dad is a recovering alcoholic - but he used to drink vodka and other spirits. I thought that drinking wine, and being able to stick to just one bottle (most of the time) meant that I didn't have an issue. I've also managed to start and run a successful business, buy property - do normal person things, but with an achey head most of the time. I desperately didn't want to be like my dad.... I'm fecking furious that I am
I've taken so many of those online, "am I an alcoholic," quizzes over the past few months. Each one would tell me I have a serious problem (please contact your doctor!), so I'd then try to find another quiz, which would hopefully give me a better answer, haha. Nutty behaviour! Note: none of them gave me a better answer, lol.
I've known it has been an issue for a while. I hide empty bottles of wine at the back of cupboards, finish bottles then fill them back up with water so my husband doesn't know I've had so much. I even finished our entire "special occasion" bottle of Amaretto, then convinced my husband that it must have evaporated in the sun (he's not a big drinker at all, and I don't think he realises that my story was highly suspect, bless him!)
I should also have had at least a dozen DUIs by now. My husband has no idea....I have driven long stretches of motorway off my face, driven to the shops for more wine after sinking a bottle, picked him up from work in his fancy sports car COMPLETELY wasted etc. I am damn lucky I haven't killed myself or someone else......
It's probably no surprise I have ended up the way I am. My dad is a recovering alcoholic - 15 years sober. My mum is still an alcoholic, in denial. I was quite badly abused (beatings mainly) by both of them growing up - started drinking young - developed an eating disorder (bulimia)- recovered from eating disorder, and still working on improving my relationship with food. Drank a LOT at uni, and got myself into some shonky situations because of it (though at uni, you can get away with drinking a bit more, as everyone is doing it). Got myself in some more bad situations drinking during the early stages of my career. Usually with men. Some bad stuff happened - I'm lucky nothing worse happened. I'm still alive.
Funnily enough, I've thought about AA on and off, but my dad lives in the same area as us, and I just can't bear the thought of bumping into him at a meeting!!! FML - I'm literally humiliated thinking about it. It's bad enough that I turned out like him - I refuse to do the whole cuddly, 12-steps thing with him as well. I do like my dad now but probably haven't 100% forgiven him for what he did (I never got an apology, even when he sobered up, which still stings somewhat - he says that AA teaches you that you can't be responsible for other people's feelings, BUT....I think some admittance of wrong-doing would have helped me - a lot).
Sorry for the long intro! I love writing, something I have neglected while drinking. I have now started writing every day, getting my thoughts and feelings down on paper. It's actually helping a lot, and interestingly I have fewer nightmares when I go to bed now (I have been plagued with them every night since I was a teenager). I plan to read it at the end of the year, and hopefully be proud of how far I've come. I might let my husband read it as well....maybe. We'll see.
I've also got back into my reading big-time. I bought a 1000 page book two days ago, and have already finished it. Typical addictive personality - it's always more, more, more. Can't leave wine in a bottle, can't leave a book unread, haha. I am literally awake 24/7 until it is finished. At least it's a far healthier habit though!
Looking forward to checking in with everyone here, and having a happier, healthier, alcohol-free 2017
Of course, fast forward another five years, and I'm drinking at least one bottle of wine per night, at home - and often driving to the shops after that (we live in the middle of nowhere), as one bottle doesn't seem to have much of an effect on me anymore. I'm also eating a truckload WITH the wine. Hello 37 extra kilos - ugh
My dad is a recovering alcoholic - but he used to drink vodka and other spirits. I thought that drinking wine, and being able to stick to just one bottle (most of the time) meant that I didn't have an issue. I've also managed to start and run a successful business, buy property - do normal person things, but with an achey head most of the time. I desperately didn't want to be like my dad.... I'm fecking furious that I am
I've taken so many of those online, "am I an alcoholic," quizzes over the past few months. Each one would tell me I have a serious problem (please contact your doctor!), so I'd then try to find another quiz, which would hopefully give me a better answer, haha. Nutty behaviour! Note: none of them gave me a better answer, lol.
I've known it has been an issue for a while. I hide empty bottles of wine at the back of cupboards, finish bottles then fill them back up with water so my husband doesn't know I've had so much. I even finished our entire "special occasion" bottle of Amaretto, then convinced my husband that it must have evaporated in the sun (he's not a big drinker at all, and I don't think he realises that my story was highly suspect, bless him!)
I should also have had at least a dozen DUIs by now. My husband has no idea....I have driven long stretches of motorway off my face, driven to the shops for more wine after sinking a bottle, picked him up from work in his fancy sports car COMPLETELY wasted etc. I am damn lucky I haven't killed myself or someone else......
It's probably no surprise I have ended up the way I am. My dad is a recovering alcoholic - 15 years sober. My mum is still an alcoholic, in denial. I was quite badly abused (beatings mainly) by both of them growing up - started drinking young - developed an eating disorder (bulimia)- recovered from eating disorder, and still working on improving my relationship with food. Drank a LOT at uni, and got myself into some shonky situations because of it (though at uni, you can get away with drinking a bit more, as everyone is doing it). Got myself in some more bad situations drinking during the early stages of my career. Usually with men. Some bad stuff happened - I'm lucky nothing worse happened. I'm still alive.
Funnily enough, I've thought about AA on and off, but my dad lives in the same area as us, and I just can't bear the thought of bumping into him at a meeting!!! FML - I'm literally humiliated thinking about it. It's bad enough that I turned out like him - I refuse to do the whole cuddly, 12-steps thing with him as well. I do like my dad now but probably haven't 100% forgiven him for what he did (I never got an apology, even when he sobered up, which still stings somewhat - he says that AA teaches you that you can't be responsible for other people's feelings, BUT....I think some admittance of wrong-doing would have helped me - a lot).
Sorry for the long intro! I love writing, something I have neglected while drinking. I have now started writing every day, getting my thoughts and feelings down on paper. It's actually helping a lot, and interestingly I have fewer nightmares when I go to bed now (I have been plagued with them every night since I was a teenager). I plan to read it at the end of the year, and hopefully be proud of how far I've come. I might let my husband read it as well....maybe. We'll see.
I've also got back into my reading big-time. I bought a 1000 page book two days ago, and have already finished it. Typical addictive personality - it's always more, more, more. Can't leave wine in a bottle, can't leave a book unread, haha. I am literally awake 24/7 until it is finished. At least it's a far healthier habit though!
Looking forward to checking in with everyone here, and having a happier, healthier, alcohol-free 2017
I enjoyed your story and since you love to read as i do, I think you will find this interesting.....Under the influence.
Congratulations on one week sober
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,916
Welcome to SR!
I've taken so many of those online, "am I an alcoholic," quizzes over the past few months. Each one would tell me I have a serious problem (please contact your doctor!), so I'd then try to find another quiz, which would hopefully give me a better answer.
That's funny. It sounds like you're one of us.
I've taken so many of those online, "am I an alcoholic," quizzes over the past few months. Each one would tell me I have a serious problem (please contact your doctor!), so I'd then try to find another quiz, which would hopefully give me a better answer.
That's funny. It sounds like you're one of us.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Hi BrickbyBrick. Congratulations on your one week sober. You sound determined and positive. 
Being here & sharing thoughts with those who understand has made all the difference to me. Before finding SR I had no one in my life who could relate. We will do this together.
Being here & sharing thoughts with those who understand has made all the difference to me. Before finding SR I had no one in my life who could relate. We will do this together.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Brick, I can relate to the situation with your father. I have a sister locally who has been in AA for over 20 years. It makes it awkward for me as well going to meetings. I try my best to go to meetings where she's not there.
Congrats on a week
Congrats on a week
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Congratulations on one week! I can relate to many of the things in your post, I had gained weight due to wine and junk I was eating after as well, the good news is I have lost the weight during the past year sober.
Since you are looking to jump back into reading you should join us with our January book club. We are reading The Couple Next Door
Here is the book club link if you are interested.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...book-club.html
❤️Delilah
Since you are looking to jump back into reading you should join us with our January book club. We are reading The Couple Next Door
Here is the book club link if you are interested.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...book-club.html
❤️Delilah
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
Awesome, thank you so much Delilah! I will "thank you," for your post when I figure out how (I've noticed a few people doing it ) Will definitely join the book club.
Funnily enough, one of the things that has finally kicked me up the butt and permanently on to the sober train has been a book. A chick-lit one, no less (I know, so sad, haha). I wanted something to read over our summer holidays last week, so just picked up a Marian Keyes book called, Rachel's Holiday, in a book store. Didn't even bother reading the back cover, I just wanted something fluffy.
Turns out it's all about a woman in her late twenties who has addiction problems, and ends up in a treatment centre (that's the "holiday.") Although Rachel's character favours drugs, so much of her thoughts and feelings, including the excuses, resonated with me. I had a very abrupt realisation, where a little voice in my brain, said, "Ahem, you do realise the author could be describing you right now. The character is you to a T."
So, thanks Marian Keyes! One of those weird, random life choices that leads to something positive. I've since learned that Marian struggled with alcoholism in her thirties, so it's no wonder the book got through to me!
It's great to hear you lost the weight as well. The amount of times I have started, and restarted WW online over the past three years is insane. The problem is - you are never going to get anywhere very fast if you use all your points up on wine........
) Will definitely join the book club.Funnily enough, one of the things that has finally kicked me up the butt and permanently on to the sober train has been a book. A chick-lit one, no less (I know, so sad, haha). I wanted something to read over our summer holidays last week, so just picked up a Marian Keyes book called, Rachel's Holiday, in a book store. Didn't even bother reading the back cover, I just wanted something fluffy.
Turns out it's all about a woman in her late twenties who has addiction problems, and ends up in a treatment centre (that's the "holiday.") Although Rachel's character favours drugs, so much of her thoughts and feelings, including the excuses, resonated with me. I had a very abrupt realisation, where a little voice in my brain, said, "Ahem, you do realise the author could be describing you right now. The character is you to a T."
So, thanks Marian Keyes! One of those weird, random life choices that leads to something positive. I've since learned that Marian struggled with alcoholism in her thirties, so it's no wonder the book got through to me!
It's great to hear you lost the weight as well. The amount of times I have started, and restarted WW online over the past three years is insane. The problem is - you are never going to get anywhere very fast if you use all your points up on wine........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
Thank you to everyone else for your welcoming comments, and encouragement (it won't let me quote/reply to you individually, for some reason - possibly I'm too new).
I'm lucky that I am a pretty positive person, and alcohol hadn't taken all of that away. However, it has always been like there's been a shadow off to the side that I knew I needed to deal with. Like a niggle that was going to get worse and worse if I didn't sort it. I'm really pleased to be finally facing up to it.
I'm fortunate to have a very supportive partner as well. He has quit drinking with me, despite having zero issues with it (he can have one can of beer, and stop quite happily - it amazes me!) He also quit with me the first time, for the five years. I've never used the, "A" word with him, but I might have a proper conversation with him at some point. I think he'd like to know, and I think it will help him understand me even more, and help me along on this journey as well.
I'm lucky that I am a pretty positive person, and alcohol hadn't taken all of that away. However, it has always been like there's been a shadow off to the side that I knew I needed to deal with. Like a niggle that was going to get worse and worse if I didn't sort it. I'm really pleased to be finally facing up to it.
I'm fortunate to have a very supportive partner as well. He has quit drinking with me, despite having zero issues with it (he can have one can of beer, and stop quite happily - it amazes me!) He also quit with me the first time, for the five years. I've never used the, "A" word with him, but I might have a proper conversation with him at some point. I think he'd like to know, and I think it will help him understand me even more, and help me along on this journey as well.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Brick,
You got it figured out as far as I see it.
It's analysis vs emotions. We were physically addicted and uneducated.
Now we know, thanks to sr for me, what is going on...we can embrace sobriety and fight addiction.
In a nut shell.
Obsessing here is what I do...it is way better then drinking.
Booze calls to our lizard brain. Our fight or flight instinct.
We defeat the crave always w our analytical mind.
I type w my thumbs on a tablet 90% of the time...forgive the lack of verbosity etc
Stay clean..
You got it figured out as far as I see it.
It's analysis vs emotions. We were physically addicted and uneducated.
Now we know, thanks to sr for me, what is going on...we can embrace sobriety and fight addiction.
In a nut shell.
Obsessing here is what I do...it is way better then drinking.
Booze calls to our lizard brain. Our fight or flight instinct.
We defeat the crave always w our analytical mind.
I type w my thumbs on a tablet 90% of the time...forgive the lack of verbosity etc
Stay clean..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by D122y
Brick,
You got it figured out as far as I see it.
It's analysis vs emotions. We were physically addicted and uneducated.
Now we know, thanks to sr for me, what is going on...we can embrace sobriety and fight addiction.
In a nut shell.
Obsessing here is what I do...it is way better then drinking.
Booze calls to our lizard brain. Our fight or flight instinct.
We defeat the crave always w our analytical mind.
I type w my thumbs on a tablet 90% of the time...forgive the lack of verbosity etc
Stay clean..
You got it figured out as far as I see it.
It's analysis vs emotions. We were physically addicted and uneducated.
Now we know, thanks to sr for me, what is going on...we can embrace sobriety and fight addiction.
In a nut shell.
Obsessing here is what I do...it is way better then drinking.
Booze calls to our lizard brain. Our fight or flight instinct.
We defeat the crave always w our analytical mind.
I type w my thumbs on a tablet 90% of the time...forgive the lack of verbosity etc
Stay clean..
It amuses me that it didn't even come after a mammoth drinking session. It was on New Year's Eve, out at a party with my husband and friends. I had just had the world's most disgusting glass of wine. It was appalling. If I could have held my nose to get it down my throat, I would have. Yuck. I looked around, at all the drunks, thought about the wine I'd just had that tasted so vile (why did I drink something I hated the taste of??) and thought, nah, I don't want this to be me. I switched to lemonade for the rest of the night, and rang in 2017 sober.
Of course, the steel resolve lasted a couple of days before afternoon thoughts of drinking started creeping in. But that's ok - one day at a time!
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