Restraining order time?!

Old 10-09-2004, 10:56 PM
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Exclamation Restraining order time?!

I'am truly at a loss-I know the right thing to do is to get this restraining order but why is it so difficult? He calls I do not answer the phone....continually-although it has slowed down-I only get the calls now when he is drunk and angry. I came home from work the other day and was sitting outside on my back porch-feeling good mind you!(Great actually) and he sneaks from the front of my house down the side and BAM right there! Drunk and asking for 5 minutes to talk. I said NO and you have to leave-he refused but finally after repeating myself he left. Now...today I was suppose to drop money off to him for my birthday gift (you know we are no longer together so he wants all his money back he spent on new tires for me etc..a hold on me!) I could not make it up there and I guess I thought I was doing the right thing by calling him and telling him that I could not make it and I would try to stop by on my way from my cousins tomorrow or I would just mail it! He calls me back or rather left a message and said "Maybe we can go for a walk on the beach and talk" <---------Ummmm hello? Time standing still! I did not call him back and went out with my girlfriend-well he called it went to voice mail and the message was NASTY and put FEAR in me "You are selfish"You do not need to call me back" Mail the money""Your not going to your cousins"I'm tired of this F-ing sh--"Your not human""Go f- yourself"I'm going to put a lean on your car until you pay me" (ummm I paid my car off before I met him-impossible for him to do this-he has nothing or ever did with my car) then proceeds to say whose blazer was that at your house all night! Well that was Thursday night not tonight-and it was a friend of mine from work who stayed over-Not that I said that to him but Jeeeez- He is here and I do not even know when he is! He is sounding more nasty and it scares me like crazy! I was doing great this week-back to almost my old self! Happy etc....and now I'm afraid to take the dogs out!

Is it time to do the restraining order.................
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Old 10-10-2004, 02:24 AM
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Ann
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Rella

His behaviour is scaring you and he doesn't stop when you ask him to, so yes, for your own piece of mind get a restraining order. He is out of control and obsessed, not a good sign and something that you don't have to deal with. Your safety comes before anything else.

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Old 10-10-2004, 02:47 AM
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Restraining order time?!

:shades: [QUOTE=Ann]Rella

His behaviour is scaring you and he doesn't stop when you ask him to, so yes, for your own piece of mind get a restraining order. He is out of control and obsessed, not a good sign and something that you don't have to deal with. Your safety comes before anything else.

Think Ann is correct..your safety comes before anything else. This man is out of control and getting more and more obsessed. A good lawyer and a restraining order are in order. You might want to think about keeping a daily log and if you have a camcorder..use it when he is doing his hateful actions...keeping records will help you! Please keep safe...my prayers and thoughts are with you.
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Old 10-10-2004, 05:18 AM
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Thank you both (((Hugs))) I have been keeping a record-when I know and actually SEE that he is here! That is just the point sometimes I do not SEE HIM but he is here! That is what scares me! And with the phone calls Verizon has been loggin them-
I guess sometimes we need reassurance to do something we know is right but just cannot bring ourselves to do! This place is a wonderful source for that! Thank you ((((Hugs)))) again-
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Old 10-10-2004, 09:31 AM
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Rella,

Can you think of the restraining order as something you are doing for yourself, rather than something you are doing to him? In reality it is a detachment action - something you are doing for yourself.

And on the money thing - please consider some advice that a friend offered to me when I left my ex-ABF and he wanted the money I "owed" him for a few things against the months he would stay at my house without expense because I was too weak at the time to set boundaries and tell him to leave or to cough up some money for expenses.

There is nothing that says when you split up with someone that you owe them anything. Healthy folks go into a relationship knowing that there is a risk on what they are investing. Sick folks go in expecting they can make a temporary investment and they can take it all back when it doesn't work out. That isn't the way life works.

Surprisingly when I finally told the exABF that I wouldn't pay him a dime he stopped asking for it. Must have said it with enough conviction that he realized he wasn't gonna get it back - or some of his other stuff either. I had to decide to not focus any more energy on figuring out what was his so I could pile it up and give it to him - b/c all that did was keep him in my mind/life/world which was exactly what he wanted but exactly what I didn't want.

Life and relationships don't guarantee equity. Some times you need to walk away from something and accept the loss - financially, emotionally, spiritually and move on.

You are worth getting the restraining order - it is for you not against him. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

Peace,
Petunia
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Old 10-10-2004, 10:21 AM
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Yes, it's time. You are living in fear and living your life "around" the A. Obviously things are not improving so it's time to let him go and move on with your life. A restraining order should allow that to happen and make it easier for you.
I understand that you don't want to do it. We all have this desire to "save" and "protect" our A's - but I think that you need to save and protect yourself!!!
Please get the restraining order!!
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Old 10-10-2004, 07:16 PM
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Petunia and StandingStrong as always (((Hugs))) you know how to make someone feel wonderful! I will take these words of advice from all of you-and tomorrow after work I will get the restraining order-It is amazing...I had not one phone call from him today..it is the silence game as if they know what they did the night before to you (the nasty phone call) and know what you are planning to do to take care of yourself. But I'm not going to "save" or "protect" him anymore Standing- or live my life around him, as these past two weeks I have been so amazingly happy! And thanks again Petunia..I had others tell me as well not to pay him a dime back- but I guess I feel that guilt-of well he did fix the car-but your right I owe him nothing as it was told that it was a gift-and it is just his way to keep me or rather TRY to keep sucked in! Not happening! (((Hugs))) everyone thank you!
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Old 10-13-2004, 07:27 AM
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I have not had time I know *LAME* excuse but it is true-to get the restraining order-he has not been to work in 4 days but is now back there today. He kept calling over the weekend-(I did not answer of course) but messages of time standing still. "Lets get married""I want to buy this house that you and I looked at"blah blah blah "I love you" I traced all the calls and kept a log-I will get over to get the restraining order on Friday as I can leave work early-I work so much leave early in the am and home fairly late and by the time I take care of things-but still I know it is not an excuse. I guess we try to make excuses for things that are not something we want to do because it may hurt the other person-and in reality I need to look at how he has hurt me-which I know how badly but it is tuff to do this! I'm struggle with it! But I know it is right! I guess when there is silence you think to yourself ok maybe he is stopping now-but then you get the pit in your stomach like I have today because he is back in town-and I do not know what I'm in for later today-*Promise's to do the right thing on Friday and get the restrianing order no if's and's or BUT'S!*
Thank you for letting me vent once again- I love this place-Just having another day filled with the fear of going home! It has been so nice like being on the Ferris Wheel (WhyOWhy's post) and now it is time to face what is below and in front of me and be done with HIM!

(((Hugs)))
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Old 10-13-2004, 08:17 AM
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good luck rella - you don't deserve living in fear. be safe and file that order!

hugs and support - cwohio
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Old 10-13-2004, 08:39 AM
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Rella,

Restraing orders are boundaries like everything else. It may explain the foot dragging that occurs when we have to set boundaries for ourselves and other's behavior. Progress not perfection is the name of our game. Maybe you can look at Friday as the first thing of the weekend that you do for yourself.

Good luck with it. Boundaries are a struggle for me and I don't always honor those I make for myself. But when I do I always feels so much better.

Peace - Petunia
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Old 10-13-2004, 09:17 AM
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Hi Rella,

From what I've seen, this is pretty typical alkie behavior. They keep us involved in their sickness by keeping the connection alive. I would find it highly inappropriate (not to mention disrespectful) for this person to continue to show up at my home unannounced. If I was concerned for my safety or being harassed, I would not hesitate to get a restraining order or injunction against him. Also, if someone bought me something or paid for something during a relationship and asked me to pay them back when the relationship ended, I wouldn't give him a dime (unless that had been the arrangement such as borrowing the money, etc.). Notice how I say "I" cause this is what would I would do and you do whatever you think is best for you.

I've had to make these kinds of decisions and often hesitate cause I'm afraid the other person will get mad, but I'm getting much better at it cause I have to take care of me. It is really empowering to take charge of my life for me and not let someone else dictate how I behave. Peace to you.

justired
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Old 10-13-2004, 09:30 PM
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Justtired thank you so much you are right! It is a nuge I guess to hear it from someone else to get us going to do what we truly know we need to do for ourselves!Cwohio (((hugs))) I will do and Petunia as always your words of encouragement astound me everytime I read your posts! You are truly an amazing person! That is a wonderful way to start off the weekend! And yes the struggle getting ourselves to set boundaries is tuff but knowing the outcome of feeling better you think that it would push us more! I have felt so amazingly stress free without him but at the same time he plays this silence game for 2-3 days-hence the hesitation on me doing this-but it is for me and my well being and that is what I need to drill into my head all day tomorrow so that I can start the weekend right!

I love this place ((((Hugs)))) to everyone for your advice-Petunia you are a blessing-thank you for you
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