DoubleDragons

I was talking to a coworker today whose mother recently died and she was talking about the stages of grief that she had been going through. I went NC with my alcoholic mother and possibly alcoholic father early last year and I feel like I am at a mostly peaceful acceptance about the situation, other than just being sad sometimes that things are they way that they are with our relationship. I don't even recognize who my parents are anymore. The addiction has completely morphed them. Of course, I have changed a lot, too, particularly in the last five or so years. I also feel that I have experienced a lot of turbulent emotions in the last few years that seem similar to grieving. I guess I won't completely grieve the loss yet because I still foster a small hope that they will try to change and to get help, but I certainly would not bet a whole lot of money on that glimmer of hope. I am interested in your thoughts . . . .

hearthealth

Yes, I think a loss is a loss. We all grieve we all just go through the stages differently. There is never a specific time or sequence to grief. We can all grieve different aspects of our relationships. A therapist can help us through that loss if we are struggling.

maia1234

DD,
Yes we all keep a glimmer of hope that one day our addicts find sobriety. I think that is the codie in us that can't fully let them go. I think thats ok for us to move on in life but still pray for peace for them.

You have a big heart my friend!! Look at how far you have come, you should be so proud of what you have accomplished. Hugs my friend that you have a wonderful 2017!!

LexieCat

I think you've hit on the difference. I think it's harder to get to that place of total acceptance because the possibility, however remote, of recovery is out there. Whereas with a death, it's pretty final, and people's failure to accept usually consists of not really moving on afterward, as opposed to holding out hope for a resurrection.

So it's similar, though it manifests a bit differently. Of course, you're talking about parents. My loss was of the relationship with the alcoholic, so for me, I was able to come to a pretty final place of "he's not in my life and never will be again." I think it's different with a parent, child, or sibling.

Bekindalways

DD, I absolutely think it is like a death. Although like you all have said there is always a tiny bit of hope which almost makes it worse.

Big hug to you. My qualifier was an ABF. My foster sister's Dad was alcoholic so I have a bit of a window into that world . . . argh!

dandylion

I remember hearing about some psychological studies that had been done on trauma---specifically, how people, in general dealt with the trauma of natural disasters--like tornados, earthquakes, etc.....as compared to trauma from a close friend, acquaintance, partner or family member.....deliberate acts from known humans....

the basic outcome that they observed is that trauma from natural disaster was better dealt with, in the long run. They found it easier to move forward with life and put the pain behind them, more effectively. There was less ptsd and lless personal psychological damage....

I think that says a lot...and, I happen to agree with it.....

jojo82

I do not.

I might be convinced of this if some of us would celebrate the life of the alcoholic before addiction much the same way we celebrate the life of the deceased.

Seren

My late husband grieved his son--even though they still communicated. His son, however, was not the loving, silly, sweet child he knew. He did remember and celebrate that boy and had hopes that someday, he would 'right' himself.

I have grieved what I know to be the young man's potential without alcohol. But I have no expectations of him anymore. I am just happy when there is contact because at least I know he is still alive.

Ladybird579

Do You Think We Grieve Our Alcoholics in the Same Way as a Death?

No. I don't anyway. My aexh never had anything to grieve for before his drinking progressed. He was always a pessimistic, moaning person who hated people and hated life. His gloomy, martyred presence put a downer on everyone. He is a racist and he talked about women like they were sex toys. He still does.

What I grieve for is the life before I met him. When and my kids were happy. I grieve for the children I lost contact with cos of his carnage and the grandchildren I will never hold and hug and love. I grieve for the lovely house I once had and the Christmases around log fires and a huge tree decorated with the things my kids made. When I could afford to buy them good things cos the money was not being spent his addictions. I grieve for what I once was. I no longer know the person I see in the mirror. I am broken and there is not enough lifetime left to fix me. But him...no. I won't ever grieve for him.

DoubleDragons

Jojo, my parents have said to us many times, "Focus on all of the good times." And believe me, I did that, for years and years and that is what kept me and my family in the cycle of abuse. It is like the wife beater who most of the time is very nice and showers his beloved with flowers and candy, but every once in a while beats her to a pulp. Should she stay because he's mostly nice??? Most of us have decided to get off the alcoholic sh7tshow long, long after they are "mostly nice." I realize you must love your alcoholic very much. I know because I love my parents very much. I marvel at how much my father is dedicated to my mother, to the point of sacrificing his own life, sanity, relationships, etc. to her problem which she refuses to acknowledge. But I don't find any part of that romantic. I find it all incredibly heartbreaking. And I don't forget the amazing people that they once were, those are the people who I miss very much and feel like I am grieving for, because that version is most likely never going to come back . . . .

hearthealth

I did celebrate and focus on the positives. The way it was, the way it is no longer. The way it will never be again because he continues to choose alcohol and anger and self centeredness, if that's a word. I mourn every day even writing this. I wish the old fiancee would come back and that is what kept me in this marriage so long. I cry as I type this. I mourn.

Eauchiche

I saw something this morning on a Facebook post about an old family friend who just died of Alzheimer's:


"The hardest thing you will ever do, is grieve someone while they are still alive."

LifeRecovery

Part of the ending of my relationship that got me here was I was in a significant grief cycle.

I had lost 14 people and one dog in slightly more than three years. I had not experienced loss like that before. Some were very close family members, some friends etc. On Xmas Eve 2009 my FIL lost his battle with cancer.

It was the spring 2010 that things erupted between my ex and I, I was divorced a year after my FIL passed.

I found I gave myself permission to grieve the deaths differently than I did my relationship. It was okay with me that I was upset and struggling around death, I could remember the good times with them without the edge that I had done something wrong.

I struggled to give myself permission to grieve my relationship and ex in the same way. I am not sure if that was because he was still living; I suspect part of it was my codependency feeling like I had failed because of what was going on. I KNOW I gave him a lot of power believing "If I just did X, Y, Z perfectly"than it all would be okay. Part of my codependency behavior is believing that the other person I am in relationship with is somehow "better," then I am.

Honestly I think it was the fact that with my relationship I was grieving loss, I was grieving hope and finally I was grieving my way of being in the world.....that had once made so much sense to me and now I was realizing was the source of my pain.

It was a hard time for me, but I am so grateful that I stayed with it and tried to learn from it. My life is exponentially more satisfying now because of that time....because I am an important person to myself.

Somehow the loss of my relationship felt much different to me than the deaths. I truly believe I was cleaning out an old wound, and healing it up.

SmallButMighty

I absolutely feel grief over the loss of relationship between my alcoholic exhusband and myself. I started grieving long before I even told him I was considering leaving. I grieve for the lost dreams, I grieve for our now fractured family, I grieve for many other facets of the whole situation.. but most of all I grieve for my best friend, the man I married, the man he was underneath the alcoholism. Its a grief deeper than anything I have ever felt. My Dad died last year. My marriage to AXH has been over for about three years. My heart still hurts more about AXH than it does for the death of my parent. I would absolutely call that deep grief.

All that being said, I prefer to love and miss him from far, far away. Understanding and accepting the grief from a healthy head space (and from a healthy distance) is a much better place to be than mired in it at home with an alcoholic. I will always love him and I will always miss him. ( And I think I will also always have a whole lot of negative feeling towards him as well...) So I'm finding a way to make peace with that grief and move on into my much healthier life.

It isn't easy, but it is worth it.

NYCDoglvr

My experience is it's grief tinged with resentment/blame. Close friend's son drank after six sober years and killed himself after telling wife it was her fault. Primary emotion at funeral was anger. Another friend has sister in and out of rooms for 30 years newly homeless; sadness but also anger. I think it depends on the circumstances and who it affects.

AlcSis

Hi - This post spoke to me.

Haven't posted in a long time. But I come here often and read. I received some very good advice about 1 1/2 years ago from members here.

I am grieving the loss of my sister. She is still alive but very deep into alcoholism and depression. And very angry with me because of the boundaries I have set, and barely communicating with me - if at all.

She doesnt want help for either condition.

Just yesterday I told a friend that I feel I have lost my sister.

Perhaps when the time comes.
When she dies - from the illness or from taking her own life - the pain (my pain) won't be so great?

Not sure. But knowing how she is suffering with these diseases is truly like watching a family member die from incurable cancer.

Maybe - she will get better? Sober? Start antidepressants? Miracles happen.

In the meantime I am grieving and working through the 5 stages of grief. This group and Alanon are helping me to reach the final stage - which is Acceptance.

Thanks for listening.
And yes, I think the grief is the same and possibly more painful.

TobeC

Peace is found with true forgiveness, placing ego aside and doing what is right. In a lot of cases, that is letting go of the relationship. Is it grief, loss or fear of being alone? Be in the moment with a clear mind and you may find calm in knowing you did what you had to do and that's enough.

TobeC

I do not feel like the grief is the same as death. When death comes it's permanent and you don't have time to address unresolved issues. I got the opportunity to do that with my dad before he died and he left us knowing he had my forgiveness and love. Resentment is fueled by not addressing your emotions which are just feelings that have been sticking around too long. Speak your mind, free yourself and forgive. It doesn't mean reconciliation in some cases, it means resolve.

hearthealth

Grief is not the same as death. The dead do not grieve. It is the living that grieve for the losses real and anticipated. It is for the living to move past and toward one day at a time. Finding acceptance in what can not be changed for it is the past. Finding acceptence in what can be changed today as we regain joys in this one life. Whether we know a death has occurred or if it is occurring we must continue living, for ourselves and those dependent on us.

DesertEyes

I find that there are both differences and similarities in how I have dealt with addiction in my parents. Grieving is a process by which I overcome a loss, any loss. Grieving a death doesn't leave much room for denial, or the fantasy that "some day they might change."

One of the biggest differences I find in dealing with addiction in a parent is in the Second Step of the 12-step programs. That step talks about "restoring to sanity". Many al-anons came to their alcoholic relationship as normal, healthy people. They slowly became emotionally insane as a result of exposure to the toxicity of addiction.

As the child of alcoholics I was never "sane". I never knew that emotional sanity existed, never mind what it looked like. The second step was a huge stumbling block for me because i had nothing that could be "restored". Grieving for my alcoholic parents is very different for me because I am not grieving the wonderful people they used to be before they became addicted. I never knew them as anything other than harmful, dangerous people.

What I am grieving is something I never had, not something I lost. I never had a childhood, never had any kind of guidance or example as to how to deal with life and it's hardships. I never had that feeling of belonging in the world that children obtain from loving parents. That makes the grieving / healing process quite a bit different for me when it comes to my toxic parents. Not impossible, just takes a bit of "adjusting" of the 12 steps here and there

Mike