Pajanickah

Well, here I am again trying my hardest to quit drinking, but after a week or so I relapse. The relapse goes on for days and I just can't seem to stop the madness.

I've had very sucessfull stints with sobriety, but I have always ended up drinking again.

I don't know how I seemed to muster up the strength before to quit for two years and live an amazing life.

It's so hard. I justify little things to continue to drink. I was lucky enough to make it through the summer without drinking, but once I stepped back on to the "real world " I didn't stand a chance.

I'm terrified of dying. I'm waking up midway through sleep and drinking because I'm in such a panic.

I don't remember it being like this before. I'm pretty sure that it's kindling. I've done extensive research about alcohol and it's effects on the body during my sobriety stints. I've been through so many withdrawals that I can't even count them on a hundred hands.

That in itself is crazy. I'm cursed and blessed because I'm prescribed Klonopin because it helps me get through the withdrawal symptoms, but lately it hasn't been working.

I never take the medication until I'm at least 12 hours out of my last drink, but I understand that benzos are (at least to me) worse than alcohol. If you're reading this, never go on benzos unless you're in a detox. They will completely ruin your life.

I've done the meeting thing and was super involved - even leading them on a regular basis. I revolved my life around it. I was then quickly advised that my sponsor was still using and that became a breaking point for me and I removed myself from the fellowship.

Honestly, at this point, I don't know what to do. I don't want to follow the steps, however I want to be clean.

My biggest goal is to be free of benzos and alcohol, but anytime I cut my benzo intake I seem to binge. It's a weird cycle.

I hate myself right now because I'm such a sneaky individual. I really don't know what life is anymore and I seclude myself from anyone and everything. I gained 80 pounds in a year and just mostly gave up on everything passionate to me.

I show up to work drunk and pretend I'm sick. I do things I'm so ashamed of and regret them later when I'm in my "week of sobriety". It's unreal. To be honest, I really want to be off these benzos but I'm unable to be because of my intake of drinking.

I'm CONSTANTLY terrified and anxious. People think I'm crazy because I don't ever want to be touched (including shaking hands). I'm just a mess. I'm very outspoken to a point that it drives people away from me. I just don't know anymore. I try so hard all of the time but continue to end up a square one.

I would have never imagined my life to be what it is right now two years ago. I was so comfortable in my sobriety that I refused to listen to what people would tell me would happen if I wasn't careful - and here I am, the product of what everyone said I would become if I wasn't careful.

I don't want to go the AA/NA route. I believe that set me up for disaster. I just want to live again without being a slave to pills and alcohol.

I don't necessarily think I'm asking for help, but I sure don't want to reach another rock bottom again. It's not fun.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Anna

Do you have a plan for how you will stop drinking and recover? There are alternatives to AA that might work well for you, but I think it's important to have a firm plan in place.

Pajanickah

I don't have a plan. Just to stop drinking and tackle my benzo addiction.

SnazzyDresser

I can feel the desperation in your words. It really seems like you could use some outside help of some kind, in my opinion. I'm not an AA person or a rehab person, I've used SR exclusively. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

Have you tried posting regularly in a SR monthly thread? That really helped me back in June.

Pajanickah

But how do you do it? I remember having my "spiritual awakening " when I sobered up long term before.

It was super real and such a blessing. Everything "clicked".

Now, when I stop, I already know in my head that I'm going to return to this ultimate disaster. It's just like when I stopped the first time - I knew I was going to do it and prove everyone wrong, but, now, I'm at: "Let's get your body healthy again so you can drink".

Unreal. I hate this. I hate living like this. Nobody imagins their life going this bad.

It's a nightmare.

saoutchik

Hi Pajanikah, I am sorry that you have this double whammy going on. I have no experience of benzo addiction so I can't be much help there but I do know that I have read other posts by people in the same position and that there are also drug/narcotic addiction threads on SR that might be worth checking as there are bound to be people there in the same position

Like SnazzyDresser said some form of help might be needed, would some sort of rehab be possible?

Horn95

You are exactly where I was 11 days ago. Have you thought about doing a medical inpatient detox? They have meds other than just benzos to help you through it. While they did give me Ativan they eventually tapered me of that (2 days) and I was on phenobarbital, trazadone, and a mild anti-anxiety med.

The Problem, which you are probably aware of, is the benzos act in the same receptors in your brain as alcohol. You are pounding your brains ability to deal with anxiety. What you are going through is largely physiological.

I would highly recommend at the very least to do an inpatient detox. It is cost-effective.

MrPL

I think this may be the missing link Pajanickah. When drinking goes there s a void, best way to fill it is by becoming the person you want to be. A plan will help you do both things.

You can do this!

P