If I quit now, can my kids recover?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
If I quit now, can my kids recover?
I'm 7 days sober. Every day I've been self reflecting. Not negatively, just trying to get perspective.
I'm a child of an alcoholic abusive father (still drinks) and an unloving mother.
When I drank, I did it in the house, at night and quietly. I never had an outburst while drunk, never got angry but they could see (staggering around), hear (slurring), and smell the changed person I became.
I know the effects of my drinking have effects on my children. in the way I was with the kids sober --how I handled situations (hungover/short tempered) and in the affection I showed (or didn't). In my oldest, I sometimes see the "scared me" as a child in her. It breaks my heart.
They are 11 and 3 -- can I repair the damage? I would love feedback/suggestions from those who are recovering and have kids.
I'm resolved to stay sober. It's time to face the darkness, put it in its box and start living in the light. I'm a thinker, so these questions (and your answers) help me gain the insight I need to keep going -- many thanks.
I'm a child of an alcoholic abusive father (still drinks) and an unloving mother.
When I drank, I did it in the house, at night and quietly. I never had an outburst while drunk, never got angry but they could see (staggering around), hear (slurring), and smell the changed person I became.
I know the effects of my drinking have effects on my children. in the way I was with the kids sober --how I handled situations (hungover/short tempered) and in the affection I showed (or didn't). In my oldest, I sometimes see the "scared me" as a child in her. It breaks my heart.
They are 11 and 3 -- can I repair the damage? I would love feedback/suggestions from those who are recovering and have kids.
I'm resolved to stay sober. It's time to face the darkness, put it in its box and start living in the light. I'm a thinker, so these questions (and your answers) help me gain the insight I need to keep going -- many thanks.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,714
How old were you when you witnessed the distructiveness of alcohol in your family? How did you handle it as a child? What did you need to understand? I would reflect on my own experiences for some of the basic answers.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
With time and changes in your behavior, they will come to accept you as you are - sober. My kids were teens when I was drinking, and they've forgiven me and we get along very well now.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
As an adult child of an alcoholic and a narcissist, I am in the very slow process of healing from my own addiction and codependency issues... It's going to take some time...
You can not change anything that has happened in the past, so please focus on what you can start doing now to better your life and heal yourself first, and then go from there.
Lisa A. Romano is my favorite person on the planet, her youtube videos and books might be useful for you.
You can not change anything that has happened in the past, so please focus on what you can start doing now to better your life and heal yourself first, and then go from there.
Lisa A. Romano is my favorite person on the planet, her youtube videos and books might be useful for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by Suzieq17 
I'm 7 days sober. Every day I've been self reflecting. Not negatively, just trying to get perspective.
I'm a child of an alcoholic abusive father (still drinks) and an unloving mother.
When I drank, I did it in the house, at night and quietly. I never had an outburst while drunk, never got angry but they could see (staggering around), hear (slurring), and smell the changed person I became.
I know the effects of my drinking have effects on my children. in the way I was with the kids sober --how I handled situations (hungover/short tempered) and in the affection I showed (or didn't). In my oldest, I sometimes see the "scared me" as a child in her. It breaks my heart.
They are 11 and 3 -- can I repair the damage? I would love feedback/suggestions from those who are recovering and have kids.
I'm resolved to stay sober. It's time to face the darkness, put it in its box and start living in the light. I'm a thinker, so these questions (and your answers) help me gain the insight I need to keep going -- many thanks.
I'm a child of an alcoholic abusive father (still drinks) and an unloving mother.
When I drank, I did it in the house, at night and quietly. I never had an outburst while drunk, never got angry but they could see (staggering around), hear (slurring), and smell the changed person I became.
I know the effects of my drinking have effects on my children. in the way I was with the kids sober --how I handled situations (hungover/short tempered) and in the affection I showed (or didn't). In my oldest, I sometimes see the "scared me" as a child in her. It breaks my heart.
They are 11 and 3 -- can I repair the damage? I would love feedback/suggestions from those who are recovering and have kids.
I'm resolved to stay sober. It's time to face the darkness, put it in its box and start living in the light. I'm a thinker, so these questions (and your answers) help me gain the insight I need to keep going -- many thanks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
My kids are not kids anymore. 19-29. All of us are close. Always have been. They were aware of my drinking. Pissed off. My youngest was mad. She was still in high school and felt like the other kids got the "good mom". Now that I am sober, they are all closer than ever and are turning out to become pretty good people with more insight than the next twenty-something. My 21 year old doesn't drink because she knows alcoholism runs in families.
So, yes. The pain will always be a foundation - but you can create new and special times with your children as you grow in your sobriety. You will all recover - the longer you are sober.
So, yes. The pain will always be a foundation - but you can create new and special times with your children as you grow in your sobriety. You will all recover - the longer you are sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I just want to say I relate. I have a 16 year old daughter. She is amazing. All I can do is stay sober today, work a program. Everyday is a living amends to her. It takes some time, hang in there.
I am also an ACOA and an abuse survivor. My parents will never understand the impact my childhood had on me. They will never acknowledge, they will never apologize. I have learned they did the best they could. They aren't 'bad' people, just crap parents. I have forgiven them I think. I still have to forgive myself....much harder to do. Its my life, I own it.
Be open and honest with your kids. Love them. Love yourself. Stay sober. If you drink, any good works will be out the window and quickly forgotten. And it will get worse.
I am also an ACOA and an abuse survivor. My parents will never understand the impact my childhood had on me. They will never acknowledge, they will never apologize. I have learned they did the best they could. They aren't 'bad' people, just crap parents. I have forgiven them I think. I still have to forgive myself....much harder to do. Its my life, I own it.
Be open and honest with your kids. Love them. Love yourself. Stay sober. If you drink, any good works will be out the window and quickly forgotten. And it will get worse.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
My son is now 23 and my daughter 20. They witnessed me drunk many many times. I spent many weekends either drunk or hungover, and I was either 'not present' emotionally or snappy and short tempered.
I always loved them but I'm afraid my drinking took priority, and it's the source of my biggest shame.
They have both grown up to be kind and thoughtful adults and I, as a sober parent now, have a fantastic relationship with them. I have no way of knowing how my alcoholism will impact on them long term, but I have been honest with them, and I now do the right thing by them always.
The best way of ensuring the future of your relationship with your kids is to commit to sobriety, and to be a fully present parent, one that all children deserve.
I like to think it's never too late. Our children deserve ALL of us, not the bit that's left after the drink has taken its toll.
Get sober. Stay sober. No relapsing. No false promises.
You can do this ❤️
I always loved them but I'm afraid my drinking took priority, and it's the source of my biggest shame.
They have both grown up to be kind and thoughtful adults and I, as a sober parent now, have a fantastic relationship with them. I have no way of knowing how my alcoholism will impact on them long term, but I have been honest with them, and I now do the right thing by them always.
The best way of ensuring the future of your relationship with your kids is to commit to sobriety, and to be a fully present parent, one that all children deserve.
I like to think it's never too late. Our children deserve ALL of us, not the bit that's left after the drink has taken its toll.
Get sober. Stay sober. No relapsing. No false promises.
You can do this ❤️
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 14
I can relate. My two oldest are 10 and 13. I also have a 6 yr old. A few weeks ago, I teased my 10 yr old about not giving me a hug and kiss before she went to bed. She said "I tried mom, but you were asleep on the couch and didn't feel me." As if that wasn't bad enough, she then asked "did you pass out?" What an eye opener, I hadn't realized she'd even been aware of the concept of passing out. Talk about giving my head a shake!
I like Fricks advice about being open and honest with them. I'd considered that my 13 yr old is approaching a time when he may experiment (I was experimenting at that age!), it might be a good idea to educate him a bit. I talked to both of them about alcohol, consequences, and how it can be a very dangerous thing even though it's legal. I didn't want to be a hypocrite, so I explained that sometimes when an adult has too much, they act and talk a little funny... I tried to do this not to justify my own behaviour, but so they weren't scared like I used to be as a kid.
One memory I have as a child was seeing my dad stumble through the living room and drop on the kitchen floor. I cried and ran to him, trying to wake up him. My mom, Who was also drinking at the time, reassured me he was fine and just needed to sleep it off. He drank too much. I was so scared and worried. Well, I am a single mom. What if I did that? My kids would not have someone there reassuring them that I am ok. They'd be traumatized I'm sure...
This motivates me. The fear that I am damaging them and raising them in a dysfunctional family is one of my strongest motivations to become and stay sober.
I like Fricks advice about being open and honest with them. I'd considered that my 13 yr old is approaching a time when he may experiment (I was experimenting at that age!), it might be a good idea to educate him a bit. I talked to both of them about alcohol, consequences, and how it can be a very dangerous thing even though it's legal. I didn't want to be a hypocrite, so I explained that sometimes when an adult has too much, they act and talk a little funny... I tried to do this not to justify my own behaviour, but so they weren't scared like I used to be as a kid.
One memory I have as a child was seeing my dad stumble through the living room and drop on the kitchen floor. I cried and ran to him, trying to wake up him. My mom, Who was also drinking at the time, reassured me he was fine and just needed to sleep it off. He drank too much. I was so scared and worried. Well, I am a single mom. What if I did that? My kids would not have someone there reassuring them that I am ok. They'd be traumatized I'm sure...
This motivates me. The fear that I am damaging them and raising them in a dysfunctional family is one of my strongest motivations to become and stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
All I can really do is be the best father that I can be for today one day at a time. I'm sure in some ways my drinking scarred my son but he is so very proud of me today for being sober and I have heard him share with one of his alcoholic friends that if my father can sober up anybody can, kind of made me feel good.
I or if I may say we are Overcomers that's what life is about overcoming our weaknesses.
Mountainman
I or if I may say we are Overcomers that's what life is about overcoming our weaknesses.
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Your kids are still young yet, especially the 3 year old. You can't get time back but you can ensure that going forward you will be fully present. My triplets were seniors in high school when I quit drinking and my other son was 9. I wish I would have done it years ago. Childhood goes by so fast. Don't waste another day of theirs. Hugs.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
If you stay sober there is lots of time to help your kids meet the real, sober you. Focus on that and things will work out much better in the end - your sobriety is the best gift you could give them. Keep your resolve and prove to them daily that you can be trusted and good things will happen. And don't ever forget that even one sip can destroy all the good work you've done so far...so do whatever you need to do to make sure it never happens.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
It's absolutely not too late. Your children WILL forgive and learn to trust you. Just live soberly and honestly and your children will see your efforts, even if they do not comment on it. Gaining back my children's trust was my biggest fear and concern. 4 sober years later, and we are closer than we have ever been... and they are completely amazing, kind individuals. It doesn't happen overnight it it does happen.
As Scott said... Your sobriety is the biggest gift you could ever give them.
As Scott said... Your sobriety is the biggest gift you could ever give them.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Yes, things will be OK with your kids. I am sure of it. Here is an additional perspective on top of all the encouragement you have received here. They will see what a person can do to transform themselves, they will observe first hand the strength of the human spirit to overcome some of life's toughest challenges. This can be a tremendous lesson you will share with them that will stay with them forever.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Midwest U.S.
Posts: 142
Suzieq,
My two kids are under 10 and I often ask myself the same question. Although my knowledge of child development is somewhat limited, I have a good enough relationship with them to believe in my heart that they'll be OK - but I also know that the longer I wait with my own recovery, the greater chance that some kind of damage will take place.
By starting my journey now, I still have at least 8 years with both of them before they leave the house. That is a good amount of time to give them the stable environment needed to thrive as adults, and as I see any of my impacts arise, I am quick to address them. They've already had a great home in which to grow up, but yeah...there are some things I could have done better.
Good on you for recognizing the effects that your behavior may have on your kiddos. Children are observant and model themselves after their parents. By working on your path to recovery, you are doing the best possible thing for their well-being. And that's all you can do.
ABW1
My two kids are under 10 and I often ask myself the same question. Although my knowledge of child development is somewhat limited, I have a good enough relationship with them to believe in my heart that they'll be OK - but I also know that the longer I wait with my own recovery, the greater chance that some kind of damage will take place.
By starting my journey now, I still have at least 8 years with both of them before they leave the house. That is a good amount of time to give them the stable environment needed to thrive as adults, and as I see any of my impacts arise, I am quick to address them. They've already had a great home in which to grow up, but yeah...there are some things I could have done better.
Good on you for recognizing the effects that your behavior may have on your kiddos. Children are observant and model themselves after their parents. By working on your path to recovery, you are doing the best possible thing for their well-being. And that's all you can do.
ABW1
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
My kids are 9, 12, and 13 and they were my biggest inspiration to quit drinking. I just hit one year sober, and I have been much more present with them in the past year. You have lots of time to continue to develop positive relationships with your kids.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 7
I can relate to this. One thing I have noticed in the off and on attempts over the past few years, I took long breaks before binging again is. I missed all the beautiful subtleties of there being when drinking. I also glazed over the hard parenting parts I didn't want to deal with which gives them zero structure no walls to protect their little souls. I also notice personality changes when I come off a long binge because now the rules are back the structure slowly returns etc. after the long alcoholic sadness was lifted. The laying in bed for 3 days trying to quit doesn't help either.
I can't do this to them ever again, not one more time!! And neither can you... time sober is the best gift we can give them as moms, to be present parents. Good luck to you... we got this !!
I can't do this to them ever again, not one more time!! And neither can you... time sober is the best gift we can give them as moms, to be present parents. Good luck to you... we got this !!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"If I quit now, can my kids recover?"
yes and no.
if you work on changing you, then reachmout to them,listen to them, explain things, and be the mother you want to be,then yes.
if you just quit drinking, keep acting like ya did when you were drinking, and expect them to "get over it."
prolly not.
yes and no.
if you work on changing you, then reachmout to them,listen to them, explain things, and be the mother you want to be,then yes.
if you just quit drinking, keep acting like ya did when you were drinking, and expect them to "get over it."
prolly not.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
