Holiday drama, nothing new
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Holiday drama, nothing new
Well, another year has passed with more holiday drama for my poor children in dealing w/their father.
The weekend before the holiday he drank, then drove my youngest DD in the freezing rain while there was a travel advisory out. She was strong enough to speak out, and his wife ended up bring her back home to my house.
During this time, my youngest was texting my oldest DD that she was scared and what was happening. We began texting his wife b/c my X would not respond. She got angry at my older DD and told her she was being disrespectful, which I don't believe is true. She was concerned for her sister. She also text me crazy texts to the point that I have blocked her completely, she is nuts, no other way to get around it.
So my X asks my DD's to come over to his home for about an hour on Xmas eve, and to ride w/he and his relative (who does not drink) to the family Xmas. My kids love their cousins and everyone they will see there, so agree.
When my DD's go to his house, his wife is not there. My DD asks where she is, he says she has family Xmas that day at her mom's house. He then tells my DD how she felt my DD was being disrespectful, and basically got my DD to talk about his wife to him.
We found out later, his wife was hiding in the house listening to everything. She never came out and never went to the family Xmas. She is now trying to say that she only did that so the kids could have a nice time w/their dad. As if. Goodness.
My DD very calmly told her father that she felt betrayed, and that she would not be coming over to their house anymore and that she will never be able to have a relationship with his wife because of her doing that.
They make such terrible choices. It breaks my heart for my younger DD b/c she has to keep going. She HATES it, she cannot sleep there, she is miserable but tries to make the most of it.
Their counselor believes they are both being emotionally abused. He offered to testify with no fee if we go to court. He also told me he will council my kids for whatever amount I can pay, that he is not doing it for the money. He is a very good man.
I am seeing an attorney very soon, but I don't think the chances are good. I wish I had called the police, I did not think to at the time b/c there was a lot of confusion who was driving and what is going on. I can assure him, I will call the police, every single time, from here on.
I feel so stuck. What are the chances the courts even care about any of this? XAH told kids he has changed, that he is a different person and can drink w/no problems now. Not true of course.
My heart is, as always, broke for my children.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!
The weekend before the holiday he drank, then drove my youngest DD in the freezing rain while there was a travel advisory out. She was strong enough to speak out, and his wife ended up bring her back home to my house.
During this time, my youngest was texting my oldest DD that she was scared and what was happening. We began texting his wife b/c my X would not respond. She got angry at my older DD and told her she was being disrespectful, which I don't believe is true. She was concerned for her sister. She also text me crazy texts to the point that I have blocked her completely, she is nuts, no other way to get around it.
So my X asks my DD's to come over to his home for about an hour on Xmas eve, and to ride w/he and his relative (who does not drink) to the family Xmas. My kids love their cousins and everyone they will see there, so agree.
When my DD's go to his house, his wife is not there. My DD asks where she is, he says she has family Xmas that day at her mom's house. He then tells my DD how she felt my DD was being disrespectful, and basically got my DD to talk about his wife to him.
We found out later, his wife was hiding in the house listening to everything. She never came out and never went to the family Xmas. She is now trying to say that she only did that so the kids could have a nice time w/their dad. As if. Goodness.
My DD very calmly told her father that she felt betrayed, and that she would not be coming over to their house anymore and that she will never be able to have a relationship with his wife because of her doing that.
They make such terrible choices. It breaks my heart for my younger DD b/c she has to keep going. She HATES it, she cannot sleep there, she is miserable but tries to make the most of it.
Their counselor believes they are both being emotionally abused. He offered to testify with no fee if we go to court. He also told me he will council my kids for whatever amount I can pay, that he is not doing it for the money. He is a very good man.
I am seeing an attorney very soon, but I don't think the chances are good. I wish I had called the police, I did not think to at the time b/c there was a lot of confusion who was driving and what is going on. I can assure him, I will call the police, every single time, from here on.
I feel so stuck. What are the chances the courts even care about any of this? XAH told kids he has changed, that he is a different person and can drink w/no problems now. Not true of course.
My heart is, as always, broke for my children.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Oh yuck. So sorry for you and your girls dealing with this mess. My ex's wife is also what might politely be called a "high-conflict" individual (I occasionally call her less polite things in private), listening in on phone calls, inserting herself into situations that are none of her business and responding to any and every situation by escalating the animosity rather than working toward a solution. I also believe that she encouraged her children to mistreat my 7 yo son during the visit and then tried to blame everything on him because she really didn't want him around. This was after being the ringleader of the yearlong custody battle fiasco, which makes no sense, but whatever. She seems to be living in her own version of a Lifetime Original Movie a lot of the time.
I try to have compassion for her and especially her children, who are growing up with their mom and my ex as their examples for adult relationships and behavior. I think that having his dad essentially abandon him, while painful, is probably a better deal for my son than dealing with progressing alcoholism and rampant, raging codependency.
I know your situation is different from mine because of continued forced interactions with these people. What I had to do was completely stop having verbal conversations with either of them and have only electronic communication. There was a pretty good article on the SR homepage about dealing with "drama addicts" which pretty well reinforced my decision and helped me to see how I could stop feeding the fire, so to speak.
Hopefully the right course will become clear for you as you work with your lawyer and the therapist (who sounds fantastic) to protect your kids from this insanity.
I try to have compassion for her and especially her children, who are growing up with their mom and my ex as their examples for adult relationships and behavior. I think that having his dad essentially abandon him, while painful, is probably a better deal for my son than dealing with progressing alcoholism and rampant, raging codependency.
I know your situation is different from mine because of continued forced interactions with these people. What I had to do was completely stop having verbal conversations with either of them and have only electronic communication. There was a pretty good article on the SR homepage about dealing with "drama addicts" which pretty well reinforced my decision and helped me to see how I could stop feeding the fire, so to speak.
Hopefully the right course will become clear for you as you work with your lawyer and the therapist (who sounds fantastic) to protect your kids from this insanity.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Thank you lady. I have tried with all my might to get along with her, and even now, say nothing negative in front of my children about her, which is more than I can say for her.
I have completely blocked her, she is his wife, no reason to ever have to speak to her as far as I can see. I do only text with him, no speaking at all. Everyone (kids, myself, counselor) all agree that they cannot communicate with me that it only becomes toxic because they avoid the issues at hand, and he is mentally unwilling to ever accept blame for anything, ever.
It was bad before because he is personality disordered, now I am seeing that possibly she is too, which is just double the fun. Ugh.
Thank you for your support, I appreciate it so much!
I have completely blocked her, she is his wife, no reason to ever have to speak to her as far as I can see. I do only text with him, no speaking at all. Everyone (kids, myself, counselor) all agree that they cannot communicate with me that it only becomes toxic because they avoid the issues at hand, and he is mentally unwilling to ever accept blame for anything, ever.
It was bad before because he is personality disordered, now I am seeing that possibly she is too, which is just double the fun. Ugh.
Thank you for your support, I appreciate it so much!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
FWIW, my ex also tried to argue during the trial that he had magically learned to moderate his drinking (with the help of his wonderful wife, of course) and that all his previous excesses were caused by my "violent, abusive behavior" toward him during our relationship. Lol. He actually blamed me for his drinking _under oath_. How's that for some epic quacking? At the time I was furious, but it strikes me as absurdly funny now. This was after claiming during the mediation session some months before that he had simply quit drinking because his wife didn't allow alcohol in the house.
The judge didn't believe any of it, thankfully. I know how hard it is when you absolutely know the truth in your heart and are hoping and praying that the right people will see it too.
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Well, an update. I got a referral for an attorney who only handles child custody cases, and I have a meeting with her next week to just sit down, bring in the documents, and go over everything and see if there are any options.
The counselor is pushing my DD to write a letter to her dad requesting no overnights. I had thought this would never work, however, the more I think about it, maybe it will. They have let his wife's oldest DD take over what was my DD's room at his house, however she sleeps on the couch when my DD is there. I am sure she would like to have that room be completely hers. She has another room at their house downstairs that she won't use, don't even ask.
So maybe he would see that as a solution, though I doubt it very much. Either way, I know I will feel more in control of the situation and know all of my options after sitting down w/the attorney.
Thanks for reading, I hope everyone has a great weekend! It's my weekend w/my DD so I am hoping for a good one!
The counselor is pushing my DD to write a letter to her dad requesting no overnights. I had thought this would never work, however, the more I think about it, maybe it will. They have let his wife's oldest DD take over what was my DD's room at his house, however she sleeps on the couch when my DD is there. I am sure she would like to have that room be completely hers. She has another room at their house downstairs that she won't use, don't even ask.
So maybe he would see that as a solution, though I doubt it very much. Either way, I know I will feel more in control of the situation and know all of my options after sitting down w/the attorney.
Thanks for reading, I hope everyone has a great weekend! It's my weekend w/my DD so I am hoping for a good one!
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579 
The counselor is pushing my DD to write a letter to her dad requesting no overnights
Personally I don't think it is your dd's job to do this. If she feels unsafe and unhappy there an adult should get it stopped.
Personally I don't think it is your dd's job to do this. If she feels unsafe and unhappy there an adult should get it stopped.
Reality is that family courts do not protect children from an addict. Sad, but true.
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hopeful
As an ACOA all I can say is that I am so very very sorry you and your DD's are having to go through this.
Ugghhhhh - Alcoholism/Addiction is such a Hurtful, Deceiving and Destructive Disease!
(((( HUGS))) to all of you.
(And thanks for your service here at SR)
As an ACOA all I can say is that I am so very very sorry you and your DD's are having to go through this.
Ugghhhhh - Alcoholism/Addiction is such a Hurtful, Deceiving and Destructive Disease!
(((( HUGS))) to all of you.
(And thanks for your service here at SR)
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