feel worse now they have quit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: uk
Posts: 18
feel worse now they have quit.
My AW quit a while back and is now in recovery with AA after many failed attempts before.
i felt fine at first, really happy actually but all of a sudden i feel a complete mess. Stressed, worried, anxious, and thinking about everything in the past. Especially all of the past events where we have been arguing, bickering, or i have been treading on eggshells around her (when drinking).
I have a lump in my throat most of the time, heart pounding and struggling to eat through stressing.
The things that are bothering me most are :-
- what has happened and the time we have wasted, which she seems to think should just be forgotten now because she has quit. She says "she cant change the past, only the future". i get that but the past still happened and our relationship was formed from those times.
- will she relapse again in the future, maybe a few years down the line or less and we are back to square one again. The uncertainty of that really bothers me.
Has anyone else gone through this?
i felt fine at first, really happy actually but all of a sudden i feel a complete mess. Stressed, worried, anxious, and thinking about everything in the past. Especially all of the past events where we have been arguing, bickering, or i have been treading on eggshells around her (when drinking).
I have a lump in my throat most of the time, heart pounding and struggling to eat through stressing.
The things that are bothering me most are :-
- what has happened and the time we have wasted, which she seems to think should just be forgotten now because she has quit. She says "she cant change the past, only the future". i get that but the past still happened and our relationship was formed from those times.
- will she relapse again in the future, maybe a few years down the line or less and we are back to square one again. The uncertainty of that really bothers me.
Has anyone else gone through this?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I have heard many drinkers, now non-drinkers, say that thing about the past. Personally, I think it's a cop out. A way to get past the wreckage they have caused without really owning it. I guess that is what amends are for.
I don't have advice re how you let go of the past. Al-Anon could be helpful, or maybe talk to a therapist?
As to relapse, well, that is not something within your control. Do some thinking about what you will do if she relapses. Stay? Go? Make a plan, then try to let go of the worry. Things will go as they are meant to. Peace.
I don't have advice re how you let go of the past. Al-Anon could be helpful, or maybe talk to a therapist?
As to relapse, well, that is not something within your control. Do some thinking about what you will do if she relapses. Stay? Go? Make a plan, then try to let go of the worry. Things will go as they are meant to. Peace.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think virtually EVERY partner of someone just embarking on recovery feels that way, at least in the beginning.
Al-Anon. Remember, you aren't obligated to stay with her, whether she gets sober or not. But you need to get your head clear of fear and resentment so you can make a decision based on rational thought rather than emotions.
Al-Anon. Remember, you aren't obligated to stay with her, whether she gets sober or not. But you need to get your head clear of fear and resentment so you can make a decision based on rational thought rather than emotions.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
Hi Sandman - Yup Lexie is right. Been there and felt that way. Just want to echo what Lexie says - you don't have to stay because she is getting sober (or not). You have to do what's right for y-o-u.
Focus on you, work on getting your confidence back and things should start to become more clear for you. Both of the main points you have listed resonate with me big time. When my soon to be XAH first went to detox I had no idea that *I* needed recovery as well. But when I started working on myself and my own recovery, the right decision for me came into picture.
We're here for you!
Focus on you, work on getting your confidence back and things should start to become more clear for you. Both of the main points you have listed resonate with me big time. When my soon to be XAH first went to detox I had no idea that *I* needed recovery as well. But when I started working on myself and my own recovery, the right decision for me came into picture.
We're here for you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Alanon, Alanon, Alanon - it can save your life!
Suggested books - The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage and Codependent No More and just to name a few. Sorry if I mentioned these already but they are good reads and very helpful in my opinion.
Stay strong and don't drown in the past!!
KTT
Suggested books - The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage and Codependent No More and just to name a few. Sorry if I mentioned these already but they are good reads and very helpful in my opinion.
Stay strong and don't drown in the past!!
KTT
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it is true that we can't CHANGE the past.....no time machine to go back and make it turn out differently. so for anyone who has ever screwed up, it's the same dilemma......what do i do NOW if i can't change what happened THEN?
the solution in AA is to work the steps, make amends and be of service to others. or the short version - Trust God, Clean House, Be of Service.
for the offended party there is also a dilemma. what do i do NOW with the hurt/pain/frustration/disappointment from THEN? we want to find a way to be at peace with it all but at the same time MAKE SURE we don't allow ourselves to continue to be mistreated. this is where BOUNDARIES become vital.
potential relapse looms there for every addict. and for everyone loved one of every addict. there are no guarantees. not 1000 meetings. not 10 years of continuous sobriety. not working the steps 12 times in a row. it is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition (Big Book). the loved one of the addict must decide for themselves if that is a possibility they are willing to accept in their lives.
the solution in AA is to work the steps, make amends and be of service to others. or the short version - Trust God, Clean House, Be of Service.
for the offended party there is also a dilemma. what do i do NOW with the hurt/pain/frustration/disappointment from THEN? we want to find a way to be at peace with it all but at the same time MAKE SURE we don't allow ourselves to continue to be mistreated. this is where BOUNDARIES become vital.
potential relapse looms there for every addict. and for everyone loved one of every addict. there are no guarantees. not 1000 meetings. not 10 years of continuous sobriety. not working the steps 12 times in a row. it is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition (Big Book). the loved one of the addict must decide for themselves if that is a possibility they are willing to accept in their lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: uk
Posts: 18
How does everyone who is married to someone who has become sober cope with the uncertainty of not knowing if it will happen again?
I have been reading a lot on codependency lately and it is not that i wish to control her to keep sober. It is that i do not wish to let myself down by staying in a relationship where things may just go back to the way they were.
i was not happy when she was drinking and seem worse now she is sober with all the uncertainty.
To me it feels a bit like domestic abuse or and affair. If someone has done that to me in the past and they say they will never do it again, if i stay with them i have made a conscious decision to be treated in that way again.
trust is the hardest thing to regain in a relationship once it has been lost
I have been reading a lot on codependency lately and it is not that i wish to control her to keep sober. It is that i do not wish to let myself down by staying in a relationship where things may just go back to the way they were.
i was not happy when she was drinking and seem worse now she is sober with all the uncertainty.
To me it feels a bit like domestic abuse or and affair. If someone has done that to me in the past and they say they will never do it again, if i stay with them i have made a conscious decision to be treated in that way again.
trust is the hardest thing to regain in a relationship once it has been lost
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
EnterSandman.....I can't help but notice...from your words...that you were not happy (with relationship) "before" she quit drinking...and, you are not happy "now" that she has stopped.
Unfortunately, I have never been married to an alcoholic,myself..but, I have had loved ones who were....
So, I can only speak from what I have observed of others who have, over the years....
OH---I was in a miserable marriage, once, many years ago....I divorced him so that I could be free to be my happy self.....
I can tell you this...some marrriages make it, after sobriety....but, lots don't.
And....sobriety is not the same as recovery. Being in recovery.....as the person works a diligent program and makes changes...you can see and feel the changes. Changes in thinking..leading to changes in attitude...leading to changes in behaviors......
When both parties are making genuine changes....sometimes, it is possible for trust to return....but, there still no gurantee.....
An alcoholic is still one drink away from relapse....especially so, if they let their program slide.....
Everyone deserves to be happy. And, everyone has the right to exit a relationship if they want to...If you can't live with the possibility of relapse....you are not obligated to...just because a person put down the bottle///
sometimes, the relationship was not compatible from the get-go...Other times, there has just been too much hurt and there has been too much water under the bridge......
Whatever the reasons might be...you have every right to decide what you will and can live with....and you deserve the right to thrive..not just exist....
If you can't live with it...you can't live with it......your happiness is in your own hands.....
These are my personal thoughts on your situation......
Unfortunately, I have never been married to an alcoholic,myself..but, I have had loved ones who were....
So, I can only speak from what I have observed of others who have, over the years....
OH---I was in a miserable marriage, once, many years ago....I divorced him so that I could be free to be my happy self.....
I can tell you this...some marrriages make it, after sobriety....but, lots don't.
And....sobriety is not the same as recovery. Being in recovery.....as the person works a diligent program and makes changes...you can see and feel the changes. Changes in thinking..leading to changes in attitude...leading to changes in behaviors......
When both parties are making genuine changes....sometimes, it is possible for trust to return....but, there still no gurantee.....
An alcoholic is still one drink away from relapse....especially so, if they let their program slide.....
Everyone deserves to be happy. And, everyone has the right to exit a relationship if they want to...If you can't live with the possibility of relapse....you are not obligated to...just because a person put down the bottle///
sometimes, the relationship was not compatible from the get-go...Other times, there has just been too much hurt and there has been too much water under the bridge......
Whatever the reasons might be...you have every right to decide what you will and can live with....and you deserve the right to thrive..not just exist....
If you can't live with it...you can't live with it......your happiness is in your own hands.....
These are my personal thoughts on your situation......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
rarely is the problem "just drinking" - so when the drinking stops, all the other issues have nowhere to hide. one can only take so much before they realize "i don't even LIKE you anymore" and moreover "i don't even like ME anymore".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
ESM I get it. You made it very clear how you feel using the Dom. Abuse and Affair references and that by you staying, it's like you're telling yourself you are open for that hurt again. But your character is telling you that you're are more worthy than that at the same time. A total conflict that is causing stress. I think for me it would be 1) The damage is done and she needs to understand that you may never recover from it (trial separation or divorce?) and/or 2) You will forever be looking over your shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop and that's not a good marriage (divorce) or 3) Stay and go to Al Anon for YOUR recovery program but have a firm boundary and plan for YOU in place if she goes back to drinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
I was going to post a new thread but this one actually seems close to the dilemma I am experiencing.
I am of two minds. My STBXAH said he was no longer drinking and wouldn't go to AA or Rehab. He also would not throw out the booze. So Mind 1 says- what does he think I am stupid? I am out of here. So I left.
Mind 2 is like a little demon sitting shoulder. It whispers ... but he was willing to compromise and you weren't. but he was a good provider. but he loved you. but he wasn't always mean, rude, and disagreeable. Did you expect him to be perfect?
It doesn't help that a friend I trusted pointed out he was willing to compromise, and I just ended it anyway. I explained to her you can't compromise about drinking with an alcoholic and keeping the booze in the house. That one little item was enough for me to know this wasn't going to be good enough for me.
Why do I torture myself with these imaginings? Maybe I need to get more disciplined with myself- catch the undeserved guilt as it starts up and just tell that demon to get off my shoulder. I am not listening.
I am of two minds. My STBXAH said he was no longer drinking and wouldn't go to AA or Rehab. He also would not throw out the booze. So Mind 1 says- what does he think I am stupid? I am out of here. So I left.
Mind 2 is like a little demon sitting shoulder. It whispers ... but he was willing to compromise and you weren't. but he was a good provider. but he loved you. but he wasn't always mean, rude, and disagreeable. Did you expect him to be perfect?
It doesn't help that a friend I trusted pointed out he was willing to compromise, and I just ended it anyway. I explained to her you can't compromise about drinking with an alcoholic and keeping the booze in the house. That one little item was enough for me to know this wasn't going to be good enough for me.
Why do I torture myself with these imaginings? Maybe I need to get more disciplined with myself- catch the undeserved guilt as it starts up and just tell that demon to get off my shoulder. I am not listening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
qtpi.....your friend demonstrated that they are ignorant of alcoholism. You are going to run into a lot of people who don't know Jack about alcoholism.
Try to share only with those who have walked in your shoes and ignore the others......
Your life is too short to deal with the ignorance of others....
***make a list of the main reasons that you had to leave the relationship and carry it with you at all times...read it every time you start to slide back......
Try to share only with those who have walked in your shoes and ignore the others......
Your life is too short to deal with the ignorance of others....
***make a list of the main reasons that you had to leave the relationship and carry it with you at all times...read it every time you start to slide back......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I think virtually EVERY partner of someone just embarking on recovery feels that way, at least in the beginning.
True in many cases. After the drunk has been sober for only a short time they may expect all to be well within the family unit. Usually later to realize -- it don't work that way for all, because most drunks have left behind them much wreckage.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Alanon
Alanon is how I've been coping with it for 17 years. I personally believe it's the only way it can be done as long as the alcoholic is alive or still in your life.
If you are going to stay, then Alanon. Otherwise get used to feeling like you feel now-- in my opinion it will never go away until the day one of you dies.
I recommend two meetings a week, and more as needed.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
If you are going to stay, then Alanon. Otherwise get used to feeling like you feel now-- in my opinion it will never go away until the day one of you dies.
I recommend two meetings a week, and more as needed.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by EnterSandman
How does everyone who is married to someone who has become sober cope with the uncertainty of not knowing if it will happen again?
I have been reading a lot on codependency lately and it is not that i wish to control her to keep sober. It is that i do not wish to let myself down by staying in a relationship where things may just go back to the way they were.
i was not happy when she was drinking and seem worse now she is sober with all the uncertainty.
To me it feels a bit like domestic abuse or and affair. If someone has done that to me in the past and they say they will never do it again, if i stay with them i have made a conscious decision to be treated in that way again.
trust is the hardest thing to regain in a relationship once it has been lost
I have been reading a lot on codependency lately and it is not that i wish to control her to keep sober. It is that i do not wish to let myself down by staying in a relationship where things may just go back to the way they were.
i was not happy when she was drinking and seem worse now she is sober with all the uncertainty.
To me it feels a bit like domestic abuse or and affair. If someone has done that to me in the past and they say they will never do it again, if i stay with them i have made a conscious decision to be treated in that way again.
trust is the hardest thing to regain in a relationship once it has been lost
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"How does everyone who is married to someone who has become sober cope with the uncertainty of not knowing if it will happen again?"
2 things i did
1- stopped having expectations
2-decided to make my serenity and peace my #1 priority ,which involed quite often
not my circus
not my monkey
buuut, i never really had true peace and serinity until i ended the relationship.
2 things i did
1- stopped having expectations
2-decided to make my serenity and peace my #1 priority ,which involed quite often
not my circus
not my monkey
buuut, i never really had true peace and serinity until i ended the relationship.
No quitting on yer quit eh!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 3,869
I'm like M-Bob, the alcoholic spouse. I have no answer to give you about whether your wife will relapse or not, but there is some peace in knowing that she is trying! If my wife left me on one of my relapses, I'd still be drinking. And that's not to say that you are a part of the problem, you're actually part of the solution. By staying by her side through this, you're showing your support. I don't know how long you've been married, or if there are kids involved, but maybe this time she'll quit for good. You can't change the past, neither can she, but you can work on the future together.
Have you went to an open AA meeting with her? Try to understand that you are not the problem? Maybe go to a local Al-Anon meeting, usually the Al-Anon are held the same night and time as the AA meeting. If you want to make the marriage work, and it's your choice, then do everything you can to make it work. Together you can get through this....
Have you went to an open AA meeting with her? Try to understand that you are not the problem? Maybe go to a local Al-Anon meeting, usually the Al-Anon are held the same night and time as the AA meeting. If you want to make the marriage work, and it's your choice, then do everything you can to make it work. Together you can get through this....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: uk
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
Alanon is how I've been coping with it for 17 years. I personally believe it's the only way it can be done as long as the alcoholic is alive or still in your life.
I dont believe it is the right relationship if you have to cope with it all the time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: uk
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by abcowboy
I'm like M-Bob, the alcoholic spouse. I have no answer to give you about whether your wife will relapse or not, but there is some peace in knowing that she is trying! If my wife left me on one of my relapses, I'd still be drinking.
I though AA taught people that they can only be in charge of themselves and their own destiny. Kind of similar to a lot of codependency books?
Can she only quit if i am here. That would suggest that she is not quitting for herself but for me, which long term is not going to be a viable solution. I believe it should not be this way since people can only control what they do and not control the actions of others. Like i could not stop her drinking in the past or keep her from starting again after she had quit.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's the deal, Sandman. If YOUR life sucks, it's up to you to figure out why, and how to fix it.
With my first husband (who just celebrated 37 years of sobriety), after a difficult (but not unusually difficult) first year or two, while he was getting his marbles back and learning how to be a grownup (he was only 21 when he got sober), it really wasn't difficult being married to him. I didn't worry about relapse, he was no more difficult to get along with than the average partner. We had our differences, which ultimately led us to divorce, but we are good friends to this day.
So the question really is, can you adjust to this new person your wife is becoming? It's really hard to say, at this stage of the game, whether her recovery will "stick" this time or not. I don't blame you for feeling a bit gun-shy, since you've been down this road before. Still, I know quite a few people with LONG term sobriety who had a few false starts. I know others who do this dance with the idea of recovery and never really get it.
My own suggestion is that you get to Al-Anon and stick with it for a while. Not so you can "cope" with your wife's behavior, but rather so you can regain a solid sense of who you are, and what you want. Right now, you are still in reactive mode. Understandable, but no way to live. And if you leave at this point, you are doing it out of that reactive mode. But when you leave, you take YOU with you.
So my own suggestion would be to take some time and focus on you before you make any major decisions. In that time, you will get a better sense of where the relationship might be heading, and whether it's what you want. If your wife truly grabs onto recovery this time (and again, it's not unheard of even with past relapses), you may see value in the relationship--some of the qualities you loved about her when you married her. Then again, she could become sober and healthy and still be a much different person--one with whom you ultimately have little in common. In that case, or if she goes "out" again, you can make your exit. With your eyes open and your head on straight.
Just my thoughts.
With my first husband (who just celebrated 37 years of sobriety), after a difficult (but not unusually difficult) first year or two, while he was getting his marbles back and learning how to be a grownup (he was only 21 when he got sober), it really wasn't difficult being married to him. I didn't worry about relapse, he was no more difficult to get along with than the average partner. We had our differences, which ultimately led us to divorce, but we are good friends to this day.
So the question really is, can you adjust to this new person your wife is becoming? It's really hard to say, at this stage of the game, whether her recovery will "stick" this time or not. I don't blame you for feeling a bit gun-shy, since you've been down this road before. Still, I know quite a few people with LONG term sobriety who had a few false starts. I know others who do this dance with the idea of recovery and never really get it.
My own suggestion is that you get to Al-Anon and stick with it for a while. Not so you can "cope" with your wife's behavior, but rather so you can regain a solid sense of who you are, and what you want. Right now, you are still in reactive mode. Understandable, but no way to live. And if you leave at this point, you are doing it out of that reactive mode. But when you leave, you take YOU with you.
So my own suggestion would be to take some time and focus on you before you make any major decisions. In that time, you will get a better sense of where the relationship might be heading, and whether it's what you want. If your wife truly grabs onto recovery this time (and again, it's not unheard of even with past relapses), you may see value in the relationship--some of the qualities you loved about her when you married her. Then again, she could become sober and healthy and still be a much different person--one with whom you ultimately have little in common. In that case, or if she goes "out" again, you can make your exit. With your eyes open and your head on straight.
Just my thoughts.
No quitting on yer quit eh!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 3,869
I quit because I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I did it for me, my wife, and my kids. My wife showed me what undying love was all about, it was time for me to prove I had that kind of love for her. If your wife really wants to be sober, she'll quit whether you're around or not. Give her some time, if it doesn't work out, then you can make a decision based on you, not her...
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