Something weird he said this morning
Something weird he said this morning
I am not even sure where to start with this post - but I have noticed that my AH has become very insecure these past two days. The insecurity seems to be coming from his lack of employment and the fact that he believes I deserve someone who can take care of me, etc.
The above statements were some of the things he said to me last night and instead of entertaining a conversation I told him the best thing he can do is reach out to someone from his network to discuss this because this is a conversation he needed to have with a fellow alcoholic - not me.... So he did reach out to the number that is on his surrender chip, spoke to a man for over an hour and accepted an invitation to a new meeting on Sunday morning. His attitude was a bit lighter.
But this morning as I was getting ready for work he says to me "I don't really like that you are wearing that shirt". I was a little shocked because he has NEVER said anything about what I wear. My response to him was "Well this is new for you, but I don't have time for this and I wear what I want" then I went on my way.
As I was grabbing my jacket and walking out the door he says "I thought you were going to change because I didn't like you wearing this shirt"..... so this time I said "Look, I have worn this shirt for years and you have never had an issue with it. These are your thoughts and insecurities that you are dealing with so you have resources to work your program to deal with these thoughts." With that I hugged him and told him to have a great day.
These past few days he has been questioning himself why he would have ever treated himself the way he did - he has not been feeling his best. Not to mention he slipped off a ladder and twisted both his ankles that are now both swollen (he has seen a doctor - nothing serious) and just last Friday found out he has cataracts in both eyes so he struggles to see, even during the day. We have new glasses coming in this week so he just needs to be patient. He is still suffering from headaches, which I mentioned today could be from the fact that he can't really see. Anyway - this is all on him, he knows it and said today he had to man up and just deal with this. All I could respond was "yes, because s@#$ happens every single day - your reaction to it is what counts".
Anyway - just felt like I needed to share to get this off my mind.
Thanks for reading,
KTT
The above statements were some of the things he said to me last night and instead of entertaining a conversation I told him the best thing he can do is reach out to someone from his network to discuss this because this is a conversation he needed to have with a fellow alcoholic - not me.... So he did reach out to the number that is on his surrender chip, spoke to a man for over an hour and accepted an invitation to a new meeting on Sunday morning. His attitude was a bit lighter.
But this morning as I was getting ready for work he says to me "I don't really like that you are wearing that shirt". I was a little shocked because he has NEVER said anything about what I wear. My response to him was "Well this is new for you, but I don't have time for this and I wear what I want" then I went on my way.
As I was grabbing my jacket and walking out the door he says "I thought you were going to change because I didn't like you wearing this shirt"..... so this time I said "Look, I have worn this shirt for years and you have never had an issue with it. These are your thoughts and insecurities that you are dealing with so you have resources to work your program to deal with these thoughts." With that I hugged him and told him to have a great day.
These past few days he has been questioning himself why he would have ever treated himself the way he did - he has not been feeling his best. Not to mention he slipped off a ladder and twisted both his ankles that are now both swollen (he has seen a doctor - nothing serious) and just last Friday found out he has cataracts in both eyes so he struggles to see, even during the day. We have new glasses coming in this week so he just needs to be patient. He is still suffering from headaches, which I mentioned today could be from the fact that he can't really see. Anyway - this is all on him, he knows it and said today he had to man up and just deal with this. All I could respond was "yes, because s@#$ happens every single day - your reaction to it is what counts".
Anyway - just felt like I needed to share to get this off my mind.
Thanks for reading,
KTT
Sounds like he is a typical newly-sober alcoholic. Really, this sort of thing is absolutely par for the course. And I think your responses were perfect. There were several times I told my first husband--there's the phone, suggest you call someone. And that was it. He generally did, and the situation resolved itself without my help.
Sounds like he is a typical newly-sober alcoholic. Really, this sort of thing is absolutely par for the course. And I think your responses were perfect. There were several times I told my first husband--there's the phone, suggest you call someone. And that was it. He generally did, and the situation resolved itself without my help.
Well glad to hear that this is typically normal behavior - I have never heard him say this in all our years, not even when he came out of the hospital in the summer. Of course in the summer he came home from the hospital and his mind was totally shut down to help....
From an outsider looking in, it is not just his insecurity but also fear driving his bus. I asked him if anyone had walked him thru reading on certain subjects in his AA Daily reader, he said no; however, he cannot remember one damn thing from one minute to the other so I am not sure that is true. Anyway, I told him that he should have an index that could help him decide what subject to read on, etc. He says to me "I didn't know that"....
Giving him tips on his reading material is edging over into his side of the street.
It's kind of like walking a tightrope at times, but you have to try to keep suggesting he turn to his AA friends for help rather than making the actual suggestions yourself.
It's hard to sit on one's hands at times, but he needs to figure this stuff out on his own or with the help of the guys in AA.
It's kind of like walking a tightrope at times, but you have to try to keep suggesting he turn to his AA friends for help rather than making the actual suggestions yourself.
It's hard to sit on one's hands at times, but he needs to figure this stuff out on his own or with the help of the guys in AA.
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Sounds like a pretty clearcut instance of "I'm mad and scared and feel bad, therefore everyone else should too, so here." It's also a classic control freak move to tell you what to wear.
You handled it perfectly.
You handled it perfectly.
UGH - really, dang it. Thought it was just a suggestion because I never said to him to read it, although I would hope that he did which now I can see where I crossed the line - hoping he would take the suggestion and read it....
Okay, note taken!
Thanks!!
i think if you took the "newly sober" part and set it aside....they guy just banged up both ankles, which HAS to be unpleasant to say the least, AND just found he has cataracts in both eyes.....that would probably lead to a case of the grumpies and poor me's.
now why he chose the article of clothing you chose to wear to make an issue of? who knows....it's not cool and i think you handled it well. you are still learning how let him deal with HIS stuff and stay out of it.
hank has had a pretty nasty cold for a while now, coupled with his ashthma that is always worse at this time of the year, just being back to work, and it being just brutally cold by seattle standards.....he hasn't been a barrel of laughs. i mentioned this morning i need to take some Dayquil as i now have the front end of the cold - and kinda snapped and said, just put them in your purse! a few minutes later i was standing WITH the dayquil in my hands, and he's like are you taking it NOW?? (like there's a rule on WHEN you can?) and i said no, i'm getting some to put IN my purse so i don't forget again.
no sense turning it into world war III. just gotta help him get out the door - where it's 22 degrees and the wind is howling. i can't fix any of it....not his cold, not his compromised lungs, not the weather. a hug and kiss and away he goes!
now why he chose the article of clothing you chose to wear to make an issue of? who knows....it's not cool and i think you handled it well. you are still learning how let him deal with HIS stuff and stay out of it.
hank has had a pretty nasty cold for a while now, coupled with his ashthma that is always worse at this time of the year, just being back to work, and it being just brutally cold by seattle standards.....he hasn't been a barrel of laughs. i mentioned this morning i need to take some Dayquil as i now have the front end of the cold - and kinda snapped and said, just put them in your purse! a few minutes later i was standing WITH the dayquil in my hands, and he's like are you taking it NOW?? (like there's a rule on WHEN you can?) and i said no, i'm getting some to put IN my purse so i don't forget again.
no sense turning it into world war III. just gotta help him get out the door - where it's 22 degrees and the wind is howling. i can't fix any of it....not his cold, not his compromised lungs, not the weather. a hug and kiss and away he goes!
LOl...this is why I think living separately in the early recovery period is so humane for everyone, concerned.....
I can certainly understand how unemployment, being half blinded and injured can bring out any underlying insecurities in anyone! These are situations when validation and support from fellow humans is certainly needed.....on a daily basis, as a matter of fact.....
Yes, he has daily AA meetings, sponsor, counselor and his higher power to lean on......
In my experience, it can be a fine line between being compassionate and Mother Bird.....
***On the comment about the shirt you were wearing.....I absolutely agree with you to come back hard on that!! To me, that smacks of his fears that you might leave him, and, gives life to the Green Eyed Monster of jelousy...jelousy is one of the most awful of emotions (in my opinion)......
It sounded very controlling of him.
No room for that....
He can just put his concerns,about your way of dress,where the sun don't shine!!!!!
I can certainly understand how unemployment, being half blinded and injured can bring out any underlying insecurities in anyone! These are situations when validation and support from fellow humans is certainly needed.....on a daily basis, as a matter of fact.....
Yes, he has daily AA meetings, sponsor, counselor and his higher power to lean on......
In my experience, it can be a fine line between being compassionate and Mother Bird.....
***On the comment about the shirt you were wearing.....I absolutely agree with you to come back hard on that!! To me, that smacks of his fears that you might leave him, and, gives life to the Green Eyed Monster of jelousy...jelousy is one of the most awful of emotions (in my opinion)......
It sounded very controlling of him.
No room for that....
He can just put his concerns,about your way of dress,where the sun don't shine!!!!!
dandylion - he does fear I will leave him, he says so - almost daily and it is about plucking my nerves to be honest - I've told him that as well.
I just can't bring myself to engage in these conversations because they are unhealthy for me and I have also mentioned to him that our home atmosphere needs to stay healthy for everyone's sake, especially the kids!
And as far as the shirt comment - I am guess just the look on my face would have been sufficient but NO ONE will tell me what I can and cannot wear. Since the Green Eyed Monster showed up these last couple of days I have had to remind him that I am his equal partner NOT a possession. In fact that is how I ended the conversation last night and then said he needed to call someone for help.
I just can't bring myself to engage in these conversations because they are unhealthy for me and I have also mentioned to him that our home atmosphere needs to stay healthy for everyone's sake, especially the kids!
And as far as the shirt comment - I am guess just the look on my face would have been sufficient but NO ONE will tell me what I can and cannot wear. Since the Green Eyed Monster showed up these last couple of days I have had to remind him that I am his equal partner NOT a possession. In fact that is how I ended the conversation last night and then said he needed to call someone for help.
Yep - he is feeling "less of a man" (his words) because he did this to himself and cannot help out as much around the house. It's a fine line between poor me and depression it seems.
I'm not labeling the comments about your shirt as "controlling"--mainly because you've never mentioned that he has a habit of controlling you. My guess is that it's just plain insecurity. He knows how effed up everything is right now, not to mention the eyes and ankles, and he's feeling momentarily worthless. If he stays sober and works his program that will pass. It will take a while. These little bouts of self-pity are likely to happen from time to time. Heck, non-alcoholics can indulge in pity-parties too. It's just that he doesn't yet have the tools to deal with them (or, rather, he's got the tools but doesn't yet know how to use them).
Keep maintaining those healthy boundaries, and don't worry--you don't need to be perfect. We all--alcoholics included--have to learn to self-correct when we get off track.
Keep maintaining those healthy boundaries, and don't worry--you don't need to be perfect. We all--alcoholics included--have to learn to self-correct when we get off track.
knowthetriggers.....I see what you mean.....
To me, it looks like you just have to do boundary...boundary....boundary.....on that.
the way I look at it....He has a right to his own fears....he can't help his feelings...but, he IS responsible for how he handles them.
(actually, his fears might be reality based, to a certain extent....because he COULD lose you). Of course, this is always true of any relationship--push the envelope hard enough, and any of us could lose a partner.....
He really does have a steep learning curve ahead of him.....doesn't he?
To me, it looks like you just have to do boundary...boundary....boundary.....on that.
the way I look at it....He has a right to his own fears....he can't help his feelings...but, he IS responsible for how he handles them.
(actually, his fears might be reality based, to a certain extent....because he COULD lose you). Of course, this is always true of any relationship--push the envelope hard enough, and any of us could lose a partner.....
He really does have a steep learning curve ahead of him.....doesn't he?
Yes he does dandylion. I can see changes in him - he is trying to work his toolbox but like LexieCat said - he is not quite sure how to use them. I have watched him go from "I am not those people" to watching him drop to his knees in prayer three, sometimes 4 times a day. This is all very new for all of us really.
Just the other day my oldest DD was talking and asked where dad was - I told her that I believed he was in the other room praying and the look on her face was priceless - it was like "What? Praying? Okay..." and then she walked off.
I just let him do his business but I do expect him to be part of the family, which means responsibilities at home - not sleeping and being lazy......he is trying but I need to remind myself of my expectations , sometimes I set them way too high and seem to disappoint myself when things don't work out my way.
WHEW - lots of learning on both parts if you ask me, but it will be so worth it, at least for me to feel healthy again!
Just the other day my oldest DD was talking and asked where dad was - I told her that I believed he was in the other room praying and the look on her face was priceless - it was like "What? Praying? Okay..." and then she walked off.
I just let him do his business but I do expect him to be part of the family, which means responsibilities at home - not sleeping and being lazy......he is trying but I need to remind myself of my expectations , sometimes I set them way too high and seem to disappoint myself when things don't work out my way.
WHEW - lots of learning on both parts if you ask me, but it will be so worth it, at least for me to feel healthy again!
My youngest is only 10, she understands that her dad is sick and that he is trying really hard to work on himself. She sometimes doesn't like that he is gone to all his meetings all the time but I remind her that this is a good time for dad to help himself so he can be better. She says she understands but she also firmly believes that he is the best dad ever, she says so often. Those are words you would not hear from my teenagers mouth - not right now for sure!
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