bluedog97

Day 3. Glad to be sober this morning. Ive previously shared about something negative happening a long time ago. Basically I embarrassed myself in public really badly at a young impressionable age. It haunts me. Ive never been able to let it go.

I even feel like I don't fit in AA because of it. Theres a tradition about AA avoiding controversy. That's the thing, what I did Id consider controversial, even though I was young. Anyway, Ive gotten drunk over it many times.

I just wanted to share this. Ive held it in too long. Maybe it doesn't seem like that big a deal, but it was/is to me. Thanks for reading.

Dee74

Hi bluedog
You said you were undergoing some therapy and I really hope that helps, in time

What I think maybe you can do right now tho is accept that drinking is not a solution to, or an effective coping mechanism for, your long standing embarrassment/trauma?

Maybe your therapist will have ideas of other things you can do to help combat this?

D

PhoenixJ

Prayers to you.

madgirl

Aw that sounds painful - I hope you can talk it out with a good therapist and come up with some positive coping mechanisms.

Drinking probably just keeps you in a state of anxiety and shame - and when you think of it while drunk, you suffer.

I used to think drinking made my problems and things which cause me pain to go dark or numb, but now I see I would really just be more stuck with them, obsessing about them. Truly not a solution.

Berrybean

I think you've misunderstood the tradition regarding controversy in AA.

It doesn't mean that people are only accepted and welcomed if they've never done anything embarrassing and controversial. I think the rooms would be pretty empty if that were the case! It'd be a rare person whose step 4 had nothing on there that was embarrassing.

I think what you're referring to is Tradition Ten “Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy." So, as a GROUP, AA doesn't have opinions on things. Politics and the like. As individuals we can get on and be as controversial as we want in fact, but we can't then say that our views are AAs views as a group of people.

I'd have a read through of Tradition 10 in the 12 and 12 if I were you. I reckon it'll put your mind at rest a little regarding the whole issue of controversy. https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&so...WhOQOTQ7oL9zjg

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

Berrybean

PS some times its best to stick to discussing some things just with your sponsor rather than making it part of a share in the rooms as part of a meeting though

Anna

I hope that you can begin to forgive yourself and to find some peace in your life.

bluedog97

Realizing this is such a trigger for me. I obsess over this and other past mistakes which has eventually led me back to the bottle. I don't want this to happen again, thus this post.

I realize in order to stay sober this time and not just give back in, I need to stay on top of this. I need to find a way to comfortably open up about these regrets. Some of them I wonder if I can live with. Ugh

Berrybean

I'm sure you will. Not because I know you, or what you've done, but because I have faith in the program, and have experienced that relief myself, and seen it happen to so many others. That shame that dominates us CAN be lifted. If you work the program I have every confidence that, given time, you'll be happy, joyous and free and find that serenity and peace like so many others.

Are they extravagant promises. Ohhhh, I think not.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

kgr103110

Same issue here. Rumination is the worst. I have a laundry list of mistakes I replay over and over... but two of them are particularly awful. To me, these experiences were life-changing and tragic. Didn't stop me from drinking tho...

I've found that each time I turn to alcohol to ease troubled thoughts, I cause even more problems. Plus, the original anxious memories come back again with a vengeance.

Thank you for posting.

bluedog97

Thanks BB. I enjoy your posts, I can tell you've gotten involved in the program. That's what I want to do. Like I said, this issue keeps me feeling like an outsider. I realize this is part of my negative alcoholic thinking. So I keep going back. And Im going to keep going back, like they say. Even if I just sit there, until I feel comfortable enough to get more involved. Thankful for SR where I can vent and get feeback. Otherwise I don't think Id make it.

Im going to sign up for an IOP on Monday. Anyway, thanks again for your post.

bluedog97

Exactly kgr, I could have written your post. One of mine is particularly awful. Im realizing its kept me in the downward drunken cycle. Its time to break the cycle. We can do this.

I hope you've found some additional help as part of your plan, like a therapist and/or a recovery program. But SR is a lifesaver. Posting here everyday keeps me accountable and people here are great. The feedback is invaluable.

Berrybean

I waited a long time to feel comfortable enough. Thing is,while I procrastinated those fears not only continued to dominate me, but also grew. In the end I mentally turned a storm in a teacup into a tsunami of fear and shame. In the end it wasn't getting comfortable that fave me the gift of willingness. It was desperation. I was in that furnace of affliction long enough that I was workable (teachable ).

Have you met people who have a good strong sobriety who 'have what you want ' (recovery and conduct wise)? These are good potential sponsors. If you haven't then it's worth getting to some different meetings. Ive found that some meetings and areas tend to be a lot more solution and program focussed than others.

Please don't put yourself through unnecessary pain like I did by staying down in that hole you dug. Start climbing back out. It's lovely up here in the light. Find someone who can chuck you a ladder x

Berrybean

Yes. What a horrid cycle.

I remember listening to an AA speaker who said something along the lines of that alcohol releases us from our shame just so we can go outand do it again. Boy, that rang true to me!!

It's very hard to break that cycle though once we're stuck in the vortex. It can be done though. An hour and a day at a time. Certainly the first part of the journey to sobriety and serenity is rarely painless or comfortable. But it is possible. Keep trying. Perhaps have a look at the threads about making a plan and see if there are some things you can add into yours.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB