Expecting myself to fail
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 14
Expecting myself to fail
This is going to sound stupid...
As I mentioned in my intro thread, I'm new to admitting I have a problem with alcohol. It is a fairly new problem. I've been heavily drinking for just over 6 months. I think I was averaging about 1 sober day every 2 weeks.
I've read more than once that it's not about how much or how often you drink, it's about what it does to you. I agree with this statement. I no longer like who I am when I drink.
This is where my stupid comes in:
I do not feel weak at the moment, but I am not confident. I feel like i am "too new" of an alcoholic, that I'm almost planning my relapse. As if I need to go through the motions of quitting and relapsing before I can say I'm serious about it.
The addict in my head is playing all the usual tricks: telling me that I'm making a bigger deal than it really is. That I can keep it to weekends, as long as I'm not drinking alone. That I wasn't this bad before, and I can just get myself back to being responsible again. That at least I haven't done A, B or C, so it's not all that bad. Blah blah blah
I know it's all bull sh*t. I feel on the fence: like I'm serious, but skeptical. Shouldn't I feel more committed than I am? With a "nothing can beat me!" attitude? Instead, I feel like I should brace for failure... Goofy right?
As I mentioned in my intro thread, I'm new to admitting I have a problem with alcohol. It is a fairly new problem. I've been heavily drinking for just over 6 months. I think I was averaging about 1 sober day every 2 weeks.
I've read more than once that it's not about how much or how often you drink, it's about what it does to you. I agree with this statement. I no longer like who I am when I drink.
This is where my stupid comes in:
I do not feel weak at the moment, but I am not confident. I feel like i am "too new" of an alcoholic, that I'm almost planning my relapse. As if I need to go through the motions of quitting and relapsing before I can say I'm serious about it.
The addict in my head is playing all the usual tricks: telling me that I'm making a bigger deal than it really is. That I can keep it to weekends, as long as I'm not drinking alone. That I wasn't this bad before, and I can just get myself back to being responsible again. That at least I haven't done A, B or C, so it's not all that bad. Blah blah blah
I know it's all bull sh*t. I feel on the fence: like I'm serious, but skeptical. Shouldn't I feel more committed than I am? With a "nothing can beat me!" attitude? Instead, I feel like I should brace for failure... Goofy right?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
Lilarose,
In the beginning I felt like I was going to fail every minute of everyday but I didn't. You just have to keep fighting minute by minute if you have to. after awhile it starts to get easier and you don't think about drinking as often. I still do something everyday to reinforce my sobriety. You can do it if you really want to
In the beginning I felt like I was going to fail every minute of everyday but I didn't. You just have to keep fighting minute by minute if you have to. after awhile it starts to get easier and you don't think about drinking as often. I still do something everyday to reinforce my sobriety. You can do it if you really want to
If you expect to fail, you likely will. A self fulfilling prophecy. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
When I feel "not-so-powerful," a beloved sober friend taught me to shape my body into a power stance (arms up, legs set, chin high - your I-just-won-the-marathon pose). Like a super-hero. I know it sounds silly (& I still only do it in secret), but if you hold your body in power & remind yourself that you are inside power (rather than "being held in bondage" by your substance) it has a really cool effect! You can feel it down to your toes.
I do this when my AV starts clever-whispering, & the powerful-body silences that voice immediately.
Wear the super-hero...
I do this when my AV starts clever-whispering, & the powerful-body silences that voice immediately.
Wear the super-hero...
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Yeah I get you... I took a LOT longer to come around. For some of us it requires losing a lot of things, jobs, relationships, money, privileges... I guess it doesn't really need to progress that far. It's good that you know you want to quit doing it.. This forum and AA are good places to hear horror stories, find out what COULD happen and then maybe resolve not to do those things.. but you never really think it can happen to you until it happens to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
It sounds like the addict's reasoning is that since you're going to fail anyway, you might as well go for it. I heard that one many times in my own head when I wanted a drink real bad.
It helped me to make a list of common things that went through my head when I got the urge to drink, and by each excuse I wrote out a reason for why that was not a good excuse.
It made it easier to see the nonsense of the addictive voice when it came around again.
It helped me to make a list of common things that went through my head when I got the urge to drink, and by each excuse I wrote out a reason for why that was not a good excuse.
It made it easier to see the nonsense of the addictive voice when it came around again.
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by lilarose 
The addict in my head is playing all the usual tricks:[list of tricks]...
I know it's all bull sh*t. I feel on the fence: like I'm serious, but skeptical. Shouldn't I feel more committed than I am? With a "nothing can beat me!" attitude? Instead, I feel like I should brace for failure...
I know it's all bull sh*t. I feel on the fence: like I'm serious, but skeptical. Shouldn't I feel more committed than I am? With a "nothing can beat me!" attitude? Instead, I feel like I should brace for failure...
The "addict in your head" is your Addictive Voice, but it can help to define it more clearly, so that you know what to look out for:
Addictive Voice (AV): Any thinking or feeling that supports, or even suggests, your possible future use of alcohol and other drugs.
Self-doubt about success (abstaining) supports and suggests your possible future use of alcohol, and is therefore your Addictive Voice. Self-doubt is no different than any of the other 'tricks' it uses. They are one and the same.
Simply commit to lifetime abstinence, set your confidence level for success arbitrarily at 100%, and recognize all self-doubt as the Addictive Voice itself.
Hope this helps.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Ps. My addict-voice (AV) is uber-clever..
I also sometimes say that out-loud when the whisper gets too convincing...
"So sad you didn't go to law school! Clever isn't everything..." (Still only talking out-loud to myself in secret!)
But seriously. If I didn't have a problem I wouldn't be quitting. Duh! Can't clever that ****!!
I also sometimes say that out-loud when the whisper gets too convincing...
"So sad you didn't go to law school! Clever isn't everything..." (Still only talking out-loud to myself in secret!)
But seriously. If I didn't have a problem I wouldn't be quitting. Duh! Can't clever that ****!!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
It's good that you've recognised that voice and that you understand that it isn't shutting up. The more time there is between your last drink and the present moment, the quieter and less persistent the voice becomes, and like you have hinted at, this in itself can be worrying because it's almost less worrying when it's out in full blast and you know what the little **** is up to. A bit like having a wasp in the room. When it disappears you start worrying if it's crawling up your trouser leg. I used to worry - how will I recognise it?? How do I know it's my AV and not my own thinking?? And then someone pointed out something that in hindsight seemed really obvious but hadn't occurred to me... if a thought is EVER telling me that a drink would be a good idea, then it's my AV talking.
Why not write yourself a list of the reasons you decided to stop drinking - all the negative ways it impacted on your life. How it made you feel in the end. What you lost or was in danger of losing (including sanity and self-respect in my case). Keep that in your purse to read through whenever that voice gets a little too convincing.
Also, learn to play the tape forward. If you took a drink, what would do be the consequences past the initial buzz? The next morning. The next week. The next month or year. Many relapsers don't make it back.
There is a lot of good information and advise you can draw from as part of your recovery. Keep reading and educating yourself. Also, taking care of the obvious triggers as part of your daily self-care is important. HALT seems almost too simple to be true. But it isn't. Those triggers - Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired -affect us all. Even now, 2.5 years in, two of those triggers at the same so time really doesn't make for comfortable sobriety for me. In the early days just one could make me more susceptible to that AV chattering away at me.
The battle with alcohol is over. We lost it. But we're back home to have our wounds dressed and to start afresh. The one thing we know is that if we resume battle, we will lose again. And next time those wounds could be fatal. This isn't about willpower it's about acceptance. It sounds like you're looking at this from a very good angle. You are right to be afraid of the power of alcohol and your AV. It's a healthy fear. Hopefully that fear will hold complacency at bay.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Why not write yourself a list of the reasons you decided to stop drinking - all the negative ways it impacted on your life. How it made you feel in the end. What you lost or was in danger of losing (including sanity and self-respect in my case). Keep that in your purse to read through whenever that voice gets a little too convincing.
Also, learn to play the tape forward. If you took a drink, what would do be the consequences past the initial buzz? The next morning. The next week. The next month or year. Many relapsers don't make it back.
There is a lot of good information and advise you can draw from as part of your recovery. Keep reading and educating yourself. Also, taking care of the obvious triggers as part of your daily self-care is important. HALT seems almost too simple to be true. But it isn't. Those triggers - Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired -affect us all. Even now, 2.5 years in, two of those triggers at the same so time really doesn't make for comfortable sobriety for me. In the early days just one could make me more susceptible to that AV chattering away at me.
The battle with alcohol is over. We lost it. But we're back home to have our wounds dressed and to start afresh. The one thing we know is that if we resume battle, we will lose again. And next time those wounds could be fatal. This isn't about willpower it's about acceptance. It sounds like you're looking at this from a very good angle. You are right to be afraid of the power of alcohol and your AV. It's a healthy fear. Hopefully that fear will hold complacency at bay.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
Lilarose, I had many of those same thoughts early on -- I'm making too big a deal of this, I don't really have a problem, I haven't gotten "low" enough yet, shouldn't I struggle a bunch first and quit farther along, etc. I did quit fairly "early" --no major consequences yet-- but like you, I didn't like the person I was becoming, and I knew deep down there was a problem.
Now I realize that for the part of my brain that was addicted, it is always too soon to quit-- that game has no end. The addictive voice will always make the argument for further drinking, no matter what the consequences are. For the real me, the healthy me --- the sooner I ended that game, the better.
Now I realize that for the part of my brain that was addicted, it is always too soon to quit-- that game has no end. The addictive voice will always make the argument for further drinking, no matter what the consequences are. For the real me, the healthy me --- the sooner I ended that game, the better.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Good points above- especially from berrybean, as usual - good one to heed and digest.
Lila, do you have a plan? I am an avid AA-er and my decision to quit was absolute and I began a program. You don't have to be convinced to start AA- just have a desire to stop drinking.
A lot of us refer to the "yets"....I'm not that bad yet...I don't do [ ] yet....I haven't lost [ ] yet....Plenty of us got to whatever that yet was (and well beyond, like me) and some stop before getting there.
You can stop and learn ways to counter the AV. Time takes time, as we say. One day- today- is the focus; my first sponsor even used to stop me to back it up further -" what are you doing NEXT?" Not in a couple hours, or tonight- literally, next.
Good luck.
Lila, do you have a plan? I am an avid AA-er and my decision to quit was absolute and I began a program. You don't have to be convinced to start AA- just have a desire to stop drinking.
A lot of us refer to the "yets"....I'm not that bad yet...I don't do [ ] yet....I haven't lost [ ] yet....Plenty of us got to whatever that yet was (and well beyond, like me) and some stop before getting there.
You can stop and learn ways to counter the AV. Time takes time, as we say. One day- today- is the focus; my first sponsor even used to stop me to back it up further -" what are you doing NEXT?" Not in a couple hours, or tonight- literally, next.
Good luck.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
I'm sure you've heard/read that people with 'long term sobriety' starting with the first day/week/month, the 'journey of a thousand miles' thing. And it is obviously true, stay with that journey btw .
But the opposite is true also , those of us who have experienced 'long term drinking', going years/decades of one or two sober days in the stretch of week and continually repeating or being stuck in that cycle , staring with 'only' the first six months.
The crux of the issue and the 'thing' of addiction isn't ( I think) measured in the time as much as in the effect intoxication has on you . I ( my beast , my inner drive for the effect of intoxication that 'speaks' to me through my AV) has no 'off' switch, the physical sensation of having alcohol in my bloodstream starts a cascade of feelings and cravings that lead only to More! The trick and the lie of the addiction is to get me to accept the negative consequences of indulging "More!" as a fair price to pay in mind , body, and spirit. It is not worth that price , be it one drunken episode or hundreds strung together over years, and the negative consequences add up and become cumulative.
My beast loves intoxication always will, took me too long to realize the cost of indulging Its desire.
IT will eventually kill me to get its fix, I decided IT can go to beastly-hell, I will no longer give IT its life's blood, It is on a starvation diet.
IT would be just as happy about getting its fix 6 days/weeks/years from now as it was the first time , I am finally no longer willing to pay the price.You don't need to pay it and the costs only go up.
wish you well and hope to see you around
Starve it out !
But the opposite is true also , those of us who have experienced 'long term drinking', going years/decades of one or two sober days in the stretch of week and continually repeating or being stuck in that cycle , staring with 'only' the first six months.
The crux of the issue and the 'thing' of addiction isn't ( I think) measured in the time as much as in the effect intoxication has on you . I ( my beast , my inner drive for the effect of intoxication that 'speaks' to me through my AV) has no 'off' switch, the physical sensation of having alcohol in my bloodstream starts a cascade of feelings and cravings that lead only to More! The trick and the lie of the addiction is to get me to accept the negative consequences of indulging "More!" as a fair price to pay in mind , body, and spirit. It is not worth that price , be it one drunken episode or hundreds strung together over years, and the negative consequences add up and become cumulative.
My beast loves intoxication always will, took me too long to realize the cost of indulging Its desire.
IT will eventually kill me to get its fix, I decided IT can go to beastly-hell, I will no longer give IT its life's blood, It is on a starvation diet.
IT would be just as happy about getting its fix 6 days/weeks/years from now as it was the first time , I am finally no longer willing to pay the price.You don't need to pay it and the costs only go up.
wish you well and hope to see you around
Starve it out !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 14
I can't tell you all enough how thankful I am for your replies. So many things that you all have said have resonated with me.
I think I'm going to write down the one-liners and phrases that really stand out to me, and refer to them in those times of self doubt.
you are all an amazing wealth of inspiration.
Thank you
I think I'm going to write down the one-liners and phrases that really stand out to me, and refer to them in those times of self doubt.
you are all an amazing wealth of inspiration.
Thank you
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