Filling the voids
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
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Filling the voids
Someone made a post earlier and it struck so hard on me. I have been dealing with these feelings/breakup this past week and its bothering me greatly.
Im really struggling right now. The new boyfriend came into the picture way too fast (my fault) and I have way too many unresolved feelings with my AXBF of over 5 years. I told the boyfriend I didnt know what I wanted with my life and I needed time and space to sort myself out and tend to myself and that the relationship wasnt working for me (he was controlling, upset if I had ANYTHING to do with my ex whom I share a small business with until things are divided, very insecure, etc.). I feel awful because I started to pick up on these things early on and didnt act on them. I didnt speak my truth and say "Hey, I need my own space, this is going too fast, I am not always putting myself first". And now he says I crushed him and that it was all fake; though we/I did enjoy our time together. I want to argue back that its not that it was fake, Ive just realized its not what I needed and Im not wrong for having feelings but the argument never ends.
I didnt fill the void with anything but a new boyfriend. I screwed up and I hate that I did that to myself. After 5-6 months Im trying to end it because I realized that I was filling a void with someone that I Couldnt fill because I was supposed to be tending to my feelings. Not worried about finding someone else to fill all my empty spaces.
Of course, I still have unaddressed feelings for my ex and hes trying his best as of late to prove that hes going to be this awesome man, in this for the long haul, etc. etc. but I just dont have the energy to deal with him right now.
Ugh. Im so discouraged. I hate feeling like Im the bad guy
Im really struggling right now. The new boyfriend came into the picture way too fast (my fault) and I have way too many unresolved feelings with my AXBF of over 5 years. I told the boyfriend I didnt know what I wanted with my life and I needed time and space to sort myself out and tend to myself and that the relationship wasnt working for me (he was controlling, upset if I had ANYTHING to do with my ex whom I share a small business with until things are divided, very insecure, etc.). I feel awful because I started to pick up on these things early on and didnt act on them. I didnt speak my truth and say "Hey, I need my own space, this is going too fast, I am not always putting myself first". And now he says I crushed him and that it was all fake; though we/I did enjoy our time together. I want to argue back that its not that it was fake, Ive just realized its not what I needed and Im not wrong for having feelings but the argument never ends.
I didnt fill the void with anything but a new boyfriend. I screwed up and I hate that I did that to myself. After 5-6 months Im trying to end it because I realized that I was filling a void with someone that I Couldnt fill because I was supposed to be tending to my feelings. Not worried about finding someone else to fill all my empty spaces.
Of course, I still have unaddressed feelings for my ex and hes trying his best as of late to prove that hes going to be this awesome man, in this for the long haul, etc. etc. but I just dont have the energy to deal with him right now.
Ugh. Im so discouraged. I hate feeling like Im the bad guy
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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My friend, these changes do NOT happen overnight. The best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself a break.
Your ability to recognize what is happening within yourself is amazing. It's unfortunate that another person is involved, but sometimes you don't know what you don't know until it is too late. There is no reason to feel discouraged. Discouraged would be if you recognized all of these things and stayed in the relationship anyway just to avoid hurting someone else's feelings.
He's allowed to feel hurt and to blame you; he is not capable of understanding right now that you have acted in BOTH of your best interests as SOON as you were capable of doing so.
Besides you don't have the time or the mind space now to worry about being "the bad guy." You've given yourself a great gift, and that is time and space to figure out why you had to fill that relationship void, and to learn how you are and always have been capable of filling that void yourself.
Honestly. You're doing ok. These feelings will pass, and you both will move on.
Your ability to recognize what is happening within yourself is amazing. It's unfortunate that another person is involved, but sometimes you don't know what you don't know until it is too late. There is no reason to feel discouraged. Discouraged would be if you recognized all of these things and stayed in the relationship anyway just to avoid hurting someone else's feelings.
He's allowed to feel hurt and to blame you; he is not capable of understanding right now that you have acted in BOTH of your best interests as SOON as you were capable of doing so.
Besides you don't have the time or the mind space now to worry about being "the bad guy." You've given yourself a great gift, and that is time and space to figure out why you had to fill that relationship void, and to learn how you are and always have been capable of filling that void yourself.
Honestly. You're doing ok. These feelings will pass, and you both will move on.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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JustAnotherDay....lots and lots of relationships break up at about the 6mo. mark.....pretty typical, for relationships that are not working out...for whatever reason....
This is what the dating, courtship period is for......
My advice....end the "arguing"....what are you arguing about? The facts are not going to change.....
Enid it as quickly and respectfully as you can. Don't try to be the "good guy". Just be the "honest guy". Sure, he is hurt...can't be avoided. He will get over it.
Own your part of it and say "goodbye".
This is what the dating, courtship period is for......
My advice....end the "arguing"....what are you arguing about? The facts are not going to change.....
Enid it as quickly and respectfully as you can. Don't try to be the "good guy". Just be the "honest guy". Sure, he is hurt...can't be avoided. He will get over it.
Own your part of it and say "goodbye".
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Someone--often both people--hurt any time there is a breakup. It's unavoidable. As long as you are kind about it, there's nothing to feel guilty about. As noted above, far kinder to split up than to stay together for the sake of not hurting his feelings. The longer it went on, the more it would hurt him.
Let him be as upset as he needs to be. Let him be as angry and unforgiving as he needs to be (as long as he doesn't do anything abusive). He'll get over it. It's part of life for the vast majority of people on this planet.
Let him be as upset as he needs to be. Let him be as angry and unforgiving as he needs to be (as long as he doesn't do anything abusive). He'll get over it. It's part of life for the vast majority of people on this planet.
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i remember reading the recommendation that young adults (or middle aged ones that were a bit slow getting off the runway) should DELIBERATELY enter into and get out of three short term relationships.
meet someone nice, date for a few weeks or months, and then break it off.
so that we learn that we don't grab the first one we find and take them home and chain them to the radiator.
so that we learn to allow people to pass THROUGH our lives, not become a permanent fixture.
so that we learn how to say goodbye to perfectly nice people.
so that we learn that there is no rush, there is no quota, and it's ok to CHOOSE to be UN-involved.
meet someone nice, date for a few weeks or months, and then break it off.
so that we learn that we don't grab the first one we find and take them home and chain them to the radiator.
so that we learn to allow people to pass THROUGH our lives, not become a permanent fixture.
so that we learn how to say goodbye to perfectly nice people.
so that we learn that there is no rush, there is no quota, and it's ok to CHOOSE to be UN-involved.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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You're not a bad person. You just made a sub optimum choice =). Seriously, it happens once in a while. You're human. You thought you wanted something and that you were ready for it, so you went for it and found out you were mistaken. I've done exactly the same thing, very recently in fact. And yes, I too don't like knowing that I hurt somebody. I made amends the best I could to that person and asked forgiveness and moved on. It's far harder for me to be alone and unattached than in a relationship, but if I'm going to persue honesty for its own sake, I know I have lots more healing to do, and that has to be done as a single person. I hate it. I do, but I want to stay sober. And if that means doing the right thing even tho it sucks, then that's what I have to do.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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This may sound odd, but I'm actually grateful to the men who broke up with me. They were able to see way ahead of time that I wouldn't have been happy spending a lifetime with them.
There's one in particular that comes to mind. He's a very nice guy, and I think of our relationship with fondness. However, when I think of the life I would have led with him, it makes me very grateful for the life I eventually did have. Even if I didn't meet my husband, the adventures and experiences that became available to me because of the breakup made the heartbreak worth it.
It may not feel like it, but you are definitely doing this guy a favor.
There's one in particular that comes to mind. He's a very nice guy, and I think of our relationship with fondness. However, when I think of the life I would have led with him, it makes me very grateful for the life I eventually did have. Even if I didn't meet my husband, the adventures and experiences that became available to me because of the breakup made the heartbreak worth it.
It may not feel like it, but you are definitely doing this guy a favor.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
THANK YOU GUYS!
I know I shouldnt feel BAD but he's upset. Which I completely understand. But its hard owning up to mistakes and really cutting things off on the basis that are not the fault of the other person. Hard for people to understand why you are leaving them if they havent done anything wrong I guess.
I know I shouldnt feel BAD but he's upset. Which I completely understand. But its hard owning up to mistakes and really cutting things off on the basis that are not the fault of the other person. Hard for people to understand why you are leaving them if they havent done anything wrong I guess.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Hey, it's hard for anyone when it's nobody's "fault." You might keep this in the back of your mind for some possible time in the future when YOU are the dump-ee. That it doesn't mean someone isn't "good enough"--just that the relationship isn't right for that person.
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I love that you have such clarity about yourself, your feelings, and your behavior, Justanother. Some people go their whole lives without that sort of enlightenment.
The best quality in a partner, to me, anyway, is someone who LISTENS to what I am saying and accepts it for what it is. No blame, no justifying, just recognition of my truth. Sounds simple, but in fact, it is an elusive quality. Peace.
The best quality in a partner, to me, anyway, is someone who LISTENS to what I am saying and accepts it for what it is. No blame, no justifying, just recognition of my truth. Sounds simple, but in fact, it is an elusive quality. Peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by Maudcat 
I love that you have such clarity about yourself, your feelings, and your behavior, Justanother. Some people go their whole lives without that sort of enlightenment.
The best quality in a partner, to me, anyway, is someone who LISTENS to what I am saying and accepts it for what it is. No blame, no justifying, just recognition of my truth. Sounds simple, but in fact, it is an elusive quality. Peace.
The best quality in a partner, to me, anyway, is someone who LISTENS to what I am saying and accepts it for what it is. No blame, no justifying, just recognition of my truth. Sounds simple, but in fact, it is an elusive quality. Peace.
So basically, still struggling lol
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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JustAnothrDay.....I suspect that the lack of clarity....in both parts is, likely, coming from the lack of complete honesty , on your part.....I suspect in an effort to "put him down easy"....you were too vague.....
did you actually tell him...."I am going to end this relationship, now"?
If you didn't make it that clear--he , naturally , is finding ways to hang on.....and, you are still trying to avoid the "bad guy" hat.....
Don't feel guilty for telling him the truth....be courageous, and be totally honest with him.
to give him the wrong impression and give him false hope...that would be something to feel guilty about...because it isn't fair to him.....
Own up to it...say..."I made a mistake. I moved too fast. I am breaking up with you. I wish you the best".
It may seem harsh to you...but short, strait and honest is the shortest way to resolve this.
***Whenever someone says to you: "I want more space"....they REALLY mean....."I want more space without YOU in it".
Breakups are hard...but they have to be done
did you actually tell him...."I am going to end this relationship, now"?
If you didn't make it that clear--he , naturally , is finding ways to hang on.....and, you are still trying to avoid the "bad guy" hat.....
Don't feel guilty for telling him the truth....be courageous, and be totally honest with him.
to give him the wrong impression and give him false hope...that would be something to feel guilty about...because it isn't fair to him.....
Own up to it...say..."I made a mistake. I moved too fast. I am breaking up with you. I wish you the best".
It may seem harsh to you...but short, strait and honest is the shortest way to resolve this.
***Whenever someone says to you: "I want more space"....they REALLY mean....."I want more space without YOU in it".
Breakups are hard...but they have to be done
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think Dandy's right. It's not fair to him to inflict on him your own discomfort with making a choice.
This isn't the only decent guy that will ever come around. When you're ready, you will meet someone. In the meantime, he should have the same opportunity to meet someone where HE'S at.
This isn't the only decent guy that will ever come around. When you're ready, you will meet someone. In the meantime, he should have the same opportunity to meet someone where HE'S at.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
Update on this situation! Ughhhh I need so much help
After I made this post (which was a few days after I told new boyfriend I needed space to figure out myself) I went out of town for a week long business trip. While I was gone I did recieve some messages from him and a call or two. When I got back into town he insisted he pick me up from the airport. I finally caved. He picked me up and asked if I had some time to talk with him and we went for a long walk. He told me that even though we broke up that he would not let me go so easily and that he would do everything in his power to show me that he cared, etc. etc. He said he wasnt asking for me to take him back but for me to give him the chance to see through his mistakes of being insecure.
I feel awful. I really liked the guy! But I still have my unresolved feelings for my AXBF (who is trying to also convince me that in time we could heal old wounds and possibly be together one day though I told him I would not even consider being with him until he had at LEAST a year of sobriety under his belt).
I let the new guy guy know this. Instead of just telling him what I had told him at the initial break up (as many of you had also advised) that I needed to work on myself and that I made a hasty decision, I expanded on that and told that I had unresolved feelings for my AXBF and I needed to work through that as I still loved him and didnt know where to go from here so I needed to focus on myself. To my surprise he was completely understanding. He did however ask for a fraction of my time to allow him to show me how good I could be treated and said something that I dont know whether to take it as manipulation or a sincere expression -
"I dont know why you would chase a man that took 6 years to wake up and see what he could lose when Ive realize the mistakes Ive made in these last few months and I will never disrespect or hurt you like that and want to make the changes to my behaviour to make you feel loved and happy if you just give me an opportunity. "
Oh geez. I told him I would have to think about it.
I feel like Im still hung up on someone (AXBF) that even though sober, still lashes out and does many of the things that ruined our original relationship. And even though the AXBF still professes his love, he still requests my assistance all the time like I am some errand boy and if I dont do it he pitches his hissy fit. What if this guy really does want to make me happy? Hes never been rude or disrespectful. He listens when I complained about the issues I saw with his insecurities. What If Im throwing away something that could actually be something because I cant get over someone who would could start drinking again and throw whatever we created together away (again)? I am so conflicted that I am emotionally drained. I have no one to talk to about this because NORMAL people dont understand. I havent had any luck going to Al-Anon with issues like this because most of the members in my area are older and will stay the course even if its bad, divorce isnt an option for that generation. So they make themselves happy in the crap situation they are in. I have the opportunity to change my position but I feel like my head is swirling after what he said. Because hes RIGHT - it was 6 years before AXBF decided to start trying to get it together.
Ugh. I hate feelings & decisions
After I made this post (which was a few days after I told new boyfriend I needed space to figure out myself) I went out of town for a week long business trip. While I was gone I did recieve some messages from him and a call or two. When I got back into town he insisted he pick me up from the airport. I finally caved. He picked me up and asked if I had some time to talk with him and we went for a long walk. He told me that even though we broke up that he would not let me go so easily and that he would do everything in his power to show me that he cared, etc. etc. He said he wasnt asking for me to take him back but for me to give him the chance to see through his mistakes of being insecure.
I feel awful. I really liked the guy! But I still have my unresolved feelings for my AXBF (who is trying to also convince me that in time we could heal old wounds and possibly be together one day though I told him I would not even consider being with him until he had at LEAST a year of sobriety under his belt).
I let the new guy guy know this. Instead of just telling him what I had told him at the initial break up (as many of you had also advised) that I needed to work on myself and that I made a hasty decision, I expanded on that and told that I had unresolved feelings for my AXBF and I needed to work through that as I still loved him and didnt know where to go from here so I needed to focus on myself. To my surprise he was completely understanding. He did however ask for a fraction of my time to allow him to show me how good I could be treated and said something that I dont know whether to take it as manipulation or a sincere expression -
"I dont know why you would chase a man that took 6 years to wake up and see what he could lose when Ive realize the mistakes Ive made in these last few months and I will never disrespect or hurt you like that and want to make the changes to my behaviour to make you feel loved and happy if you just give me an opportunity. "
Oh geez. I told him I would have to think about it.
I feel like Im still hung up on someone (AXBF) that even though sober, still lashes out and does many of the things that ruined our original relationship. And even though the AXBF still professes his love, he still requests my assistance all the time like I am some errand boy and if I dont do it he pitches his hissy fit. What if this guy really does want to make me happy? Hes never been rude or disrespectful. He listens when I complained about the issues I saw with his insecurities. What If Im throwing away something that could actually be something because I cant get over someone who would could start drinking again and throw whatever we created together away (again)? I am so conflicted that I am emotionally drained. I have no one to talk to about this because NORMAL people dont understand. I havent had any luck going to Al-Anon with issues like this because most of the members in my area are older and will stay the course even if its bad, divorce isnt an option for that generation. So they make themselves happy in the crap situation they are in. I have the opportunity to change my position but I feel like my head is swirling after what he said. Because hes RIGHT - it was 6 years before AXBF decided to start trying to get it together.
Ugh. I hate feelings & decisions
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Your X sounds like a pouty child. Is that what you want?
When we break up, we have to give ourselves time to grieve and get over it! Breakups are so difficult...
Most of my relationships have ended, and then I found someone new right away - to feel better. And it works.
If we really want to get healthier though, I think we need some time to ourselves. Time to be happy alone - figure out what we want our lives to be, time to re-center ourselves, and eventually, figure out what kind of person can make us happy based on what we want and who we are today. I think it is exponentially more challenging to figure those things out while with someone else, while pining over someone else, and most definitely while contemplating 2 someone elses!
When we break up, we have to give ourselves time to grieve and get over it! Breakups are so difficult...
Most of my relationships have ended, and then I found someone new right away - to feel better. And it works.
If we really want to get healthier though, I think we need some time to ourselves. Time to be happy alone - figure out what we want our lives to be, time to re-center ourselves, and eventually, figure out what kind of person can make us happy based on what we want and who we are today. I think it is exponentially more challenging to figure those things out while with someone else, while pining over someone else, and most definitely while contemplating 2 someone elses!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Posts: 107
Originally Posted by firebolt
If we really want to get healthier though, I think we need some time to ourselves. Time to be happy alone - figure out what we want our lives to be, time to re-center ourselves, and eventually, figure out what kind of person can make us happy based on what we want and who we are today. I think it is exponentially more challenging to figure those things out while with someone else, while pining over someone else, and most definitely while contemplating 2 someone elses!
And of course its hard to know whats best for me and what best suits my feelings when they are both in face expressing feelings that I find so hard to dismiss without getting upset.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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JustAnotherDay.....2 questions....
1. Why are you still clinging to someone who is not good for you? You are still connecting with him and doing things for him. You will never heal and gain more insight into yourself until you totally end it with the ex.
2. What is the new guy's problem--you have told him that yo are hung up on someone else....and that you want space without him in it. And, that yo are not in love with him....What is HIS problem? Perhaps he has a bit of the co-dependency going on, also.
Just because he has not been "mean" to you is no reason to continue a relationship that you are not completely into. You are setting your bars too low!
don't ever base your life on someone else's POTENTIAL. Bas you decisions on what you see in front of you (or not).....
What you see is what you get.......
You must learn to put yourself first....and be h onest enough to tell the truth to another person....even when it hurts.....
The truth will always...always...work it's way to the surface, in the end.
Better to be truthful, in the beginning.....
When you have had time, and done the work to get more self knowledge and insight...my guess is, that you wouldn't want either of these guys, any longer.....
doesn't make them bad or evil...just makes them not the ones for you....
This is life on the Planet Maturia........
1. Why are you still clinging to someone who is not good for you? You are still connecting with him and doing things for him. You will never heal and gain more insight into yourself until you totally end it with the ex.
2. What is the new guy's problem--you have told him that yo are hung up on someone else....and that you want space without him in it. And, that yo are not in love with him....What is HIS problem? Perhaps he has a bit of the co-dependency going on, also.
Just because he has not been "mean" to you is no reason to continue a relationship that you are not completely into. You are setting your bars too low!
don't ever base your life on someone else's POTENTIAL. Bas you decisions on what you see in front of you (or not).....
What you see is what you get.......
You must learn to put yourself first....and be h onest enough to tell the truth to another person....even when it hurts.....
The truth will always...always...work it's way to the surface, in the end.
Better to be truthful, in the beginning.....
When you have had time, and done the work to get more self knowledge and insight...my guess is, that you wouldn't want either of these guys, any longer.....
doesn't make them bad or evil...just makes them not the ones for you....
This is life on the Planet Maturia........
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