Reality Check for 2017
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Reality Check for 2017
Reality Check
I let the xABF come over to my house on Saturday night. He wanted to see our son. He hadn’t seen him in a week. He usually sees him on the weekends. I let him know that due to him keeping him out until 2am the previous weekend that he would not be able to have him over at his house. I also found out that he is involved in a love triangle with his gf. His gf actually lives with her bf. I thought the situation and their previous bad choices would/could be detrimental to my child’s safety. He lives far enough away that it is inconvenient and it is hard to check on my son. I figured that him coming over to watch him at my house would be OK. I had plans and felt like I could control my son’s environment. I could allow a visit in my home. He doesn’t have a car and apparently neither does she. This was on Saturday night that I let him come over. I actually drove down to pick him up Saturday morning because the dog we shared and he was taking care of was becoming very sick. She had gone blind in the previous week, was losing her hair and bladder, and was dropping weight rapidly. I made the decision to euthanize her and because she was our dog, he accompanied me to the vet and then went home with me to watch my son overnight.
Back-up to the previous day. He was on a telephone call with myself and my son driving in the car. He told us both that he loved us. It made my mind go on the wishful thinking hamster wheel. Is this it, I thought. Is he finally going to realize that he needs recovery and to work on himself.
So, when he comes over Saturday, I decided that I would let him know that I had always just wanted him to be a partner and to be sober. He said he understood. He said he loved both myself and our son. But, he informed me, he was in love with his girlfriend (who has a bf). I accepted it. I told him that I still wished that he would find recovery, but that I was moving on.
Sunday morning, he woke up from the couch when I came downstairs. Asked if he could go lay upstairs with our son. I said fine. Saw his phone laying on the floor, I picked it up and read the correspondence between his gf and himself. To sum it up, she broke up with him. Her bf of 4 years posted pictures of the 2 of them together. I showed my xABF the pictures. He was shocked and seemingly hurt to see the girl he ‘loved’ with another man (her bf). The things that he said about me to this woman were very hurtful. The way they talked about me was very hurtful. I was shocked because I literally had not been involved or meddled with their relationship AT ALL. I did not talk about this woman derogatively to my son. I actually told him it was OK to like her and that she ‘seemed’ nice. While I know it is not good to go snooping on people’s devices, I am glad I did. I felt such sadness reading the things that he said about me. But I felt relief to finally see the truth. I realized that I am just an option for him. My reality of him and what he thought about me had been right on.
When everyone was ready in the morning, I drove him home.
Last night, he called. The call was brief. This morning at 6:15AM he called to say he was ‘sorry’. I just told him that actions speak louder than words and ended the call. I have more resolve to push forward and stay away from him. He is so toxic and messed up. He is a broken man and I never had any chance to fix him. I wasted a good portion of my life on him and gave him my self-esteem on a silver platter.
New years, new beginnings. I am far from perfect, but I am a good person. I can sleep at night. I know that I try my best and deal with things in the best way I can. I know I am going to be enough for myself and my son. I go into the New Year (2017) knowing this. I know my own truth. I know that I am a hopeful person. But hope, is not enough. It is reality that counts. I can wish that my xAbf were 1000 different things until Monday, BUT, he is who he is. No amount of wishful thinking is going to change that.
That will be the last overnight visit that I have with him. That will be the last time I welcome him into my home for the foreseeable future. Never say never, but for now, he is like a venomous snake to me. My life depends on keeping a distance. It is hard because my son’s birthday is coming up. I was going to have a party and invite the xAbf and his family. However, with the new information, I know that I need to stay away from them all. I am instead going to take my son and my niece to Disneyland this weekend. : ) I am going to have a small celebration for my son with a birthday cake and dinner on Wednesday (his birthday) following the weekend. I will let my xAbf and his family celebrate his bday the weekend following when his mom comes into town.
I let the xABF come over to my house on Saturday night. He wanted to see our son. He hadn’t seen him in a week. He usually sees him on the weekends. I let him know that due to him keeping him out until 2am the previous weekend that he would not be able to have him over at his house. I also found out that he is involved in a love triangle with his gf. His gf actually lives with her bf. I thought the situation and their previous bad choices would/could be detrimental to my child’s safety. He lives far enough away that it is inconvenient and it is hard to check on my son. I figured that him coming over to watch him at my house would be OK. I had plans and felt like I could control my son’s environment. I could allow a visit in my home. He doesn’t have a car and apparently neither does she. This was on Saturday night that I let him come over. I actually drove down to pick him up Saturday morning because the dog we shared and he was taking care of was becoming very sick. She had gone blind in the previous week, was losing her hair and bladder, and was dropping weight rapidly. I made the decision to euthanize her and because she was our dog, he accompanied me to the vet and then went home with me to watch my son overnight.
Back-up to the previous day. He was on a telephone call with myself and my son driving in the car. He told us both that he loved us. It made my mind go on the wishful thinking hamster wheel. Is this it, I thought. Is he finally going to realize that he needs recovery and to work on himself.
So, when he comes over Saturday, I decided that I would let him know that I had always just wanted him to be a partner and to be sober. He said he understood. He said he loved both myself and our son. But, he informed me, he was in love with his girlfriend (who has a bf). I accepted it. I told him that I still wished that he would find recovery, but that I was moving on.
Sunday morning, he woke up from the couch when I came downstairs. Asked if he could go lay upstairs with our son. I said fine. Saw his phone laying on the floor, I picked it up and read the correspondence between his gf and himself. To sum it up, she broke up with him. Her bf of 4 years posted pictures of the 2 of them together. I showed my xABF the pictures. He was shocked and seemingly hurt to see the girl he ‘loved’ with another man (her bf). The things that he said about me to this woman were very hurtful. The way they talked about me was very hurtful. I was shocked because I literally had not been involved or meddled with their relationship AT ALL. I did not talk about this woman derogatively to my son. I actually told him it was OK to like her and that she ‘seemed’ nice. While I know it is not good to go snooping on people’s devices, I am glad I did. I felt such sadness reading the things that he said about me. But I felt relief to finally see the truth. I realized that I am just an option for him. My reality of him and what he thought about me had been right on.
When everyone was ready in the morning, I drove him home.
Last night, he called. The call was brief. This morning at 6:15AM he called to say he was ‘sorry’. I just told him that actions speak louder than words and ended the call. I have more resolve to push forward and stay away from him. He is so toxic and messed up. He is a broken man and I never had any chance to fix him. I wasted a good portion of my life on him and gave him my self-esteem on a silver platter.
New years, new beginnings. I am far from perfect, but I am a good person. I can sleep at night. I know that I try my best and deal with things in the best way I can. I know I am going to be enough for myself and my son. I go into the New Year (2017) knowing this. I know my own truth. I know that I am a hopeful person. But hope, is not enough. It is reality that counts. I can wish that my xAbf were 1000 different things until Monday, BUT, he is who he is. No amount of wishful thinking is going to change that.
That will be the last overnight visit that I have with him. That will be the last time I welcome him into my home for the foreseeable future. Never say never, but for now, he is like a venomous snake to me. My life depends on keeping a distance. It is hard because my son’s birthday is coming up. I was going to have a party and invite the xAbf and his family. However, with the new information, I know that I need to stay away from them all. I am instead going to take my son and my niece to Disneyland this weekend. : ) I am going to have a small celebration for my son with a birthday cake and dinner on Wednesday (his birthday) following the weekend. I will let my xAbf and his family celebrate his bday the weekend following when his mom comes into town.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
You know Dandylion. When I asked why in the world he would talk about me that way. He said, "I don't know." There was a long pause. Then he said, "that was really childish. I sent it while I was drunk."
I thought to myself. I think that was the most honest answer I have heard in nearly a decade. It didn't change my feelings about the whole ordeal though. It just proved to me that he is who he is.
The saying, 'when someone shows you who they are, believe it' came to mind.
I thought to myself. I think that was the most honest answer I have heard in nearly a decade. It didn't change my feelings about the whole ordeal though. It just proved to me that he is who he is.
The saying, 'when someone shows you who they are, believe it' came to mind.
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