My Family vs. Him
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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My Family vs. Him
I hate to title this thread that, but that is how it has felt much of the time, unfortunately. Although, in both of their defenses, pain was caused both ways, and both sides have made personal strides to put away the boxing gloves. As you can imagine (or really, I am sure most of you don't have to imagine because you have experienced this as well) being stuck in the middle of this whirlwind that is my RAH's and parents' relationship has been hell at many times. But, tonight, my RAH and parents (and I) will be sitting down for, yet another, talk. In the past these have happened while RAH was not, in fact, recovering, and had us all fooled. Now, he is in recovery, so I can only hope this will be a true step forward.
I am having major anxiety over this "meeting." I am quite sick of the structured meetings too, to be quite honest. Good vibes and prayers very much so welcomed.
I am having major anxiety over this "meeting." I am quite sick of the structured meetings too, to be quite honest. Good vibes and prayers very much so welcomed.
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hope778.....just for clarification (mine...lol)....is anyone conducting/facilitating this meeting? Who has called for/arranged it? What is the goal..is there anything ,specific, that is wished for, out of this meeting?
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Welp, since you asked, lol, here goes...
My parents have wanted to have another sit down with RAH for a long while now. At first, it was likely to hash out the past. Now I truly feel they have been healing in their own sense, as has he. I think we are all ready to move forward, so I assume this will be more to focus on that. I never know what will come out at these "meetings," though. Enter, anxiety.
He went to rehab in January of 2016, relapsed, detox, relapsed, recovery... During all of which he has avoided my family like the plague. I go to family functions alone (which are frequent - I have a large and close family). I am asked frequently where he is (moan) although more recently we have all chosen to throw a large sheet over the elephant in the room and move on to other topics when I show up without RAH.
RAH has had trouble finding decent work due to a previous drug related arrest that he is currently completing probation for. That being said, my mom's company has had a position open up that he qualifies for. They do not do background checks, so the charge would be a non-issue. My mom has been in a very respectable and influential position at this company for many years, thus she has the ability to get him hired. She wants to talk to him before doing this, though. So, here we are.
My parents have wanted to have another sit down with RAH for a long while now. At first, it was likely to hash out the past. Now I truly feel they have been healing in their own sense, as has he. I think we are all ready to move forward, so I assume this will be more to focus on that. I never know what will come out at these "meetings," though. Enter, anxiety.
He went to rehab in January of 2016, relapsed, detox, relapsed, recovery... During all of which he has avoided my family like the plague. I go to family functions alone (which are frequent - I have a large and close family). I am asked frequently where he is (moan) although more recently we have all chosen to throw a large sheet over the elephant in the room and move on to other topics when I show up without RAH.
RAH has had trouble finding decent work due to a previous drug related arrest that he is currently completing probation for. That being said, my mom's company has had a position open up that he qualifies for. They do not do background checks, so the charge would be a non-issue. My mom has been in a very respectable and influential position at this company for many years, thus she has the ability to get him hired. She wants to talk to him before doing this, though. So, here we are.
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Sorry for what you're going through. Your parents seem very forgiving- not only are they willing to look past being fooled by him in the past, but your mom is considering putting her neck on the line by getting him a job at the company she works for.
I wonder what you mean by "pain caused both ways". I know there's a saying, "there takes two to tango", but when there's an addict involved, they tend to take the lead. So I don't know your whole situation- it could be that they were just as responsible for the breakdown in communications. I'm just saying for the sake of YOUR relationship with your folks, it may not be appropriate to expect them to accept half.
What happened in my own experience was that my parents gave my ex chance after chance to make things right. He lied to them repeatedly, and they had to bail us out financially several times. They were friendly right up to the very end and never once let him know how little they respected him, or what they really thought. But he still resented them, just as he resented me.
Just my experience, and I do hope things work out differently for you. I hope the emotions will soon smooth over. I hope your husband is really serious about his recovery, that time will heal these wounds, and that you can all put this behind you soon.
Blessings to you
I wonder what you mean by "pain caused both ways". I know there's a saying, "there takes two to tango", but when there's an addict involved, they tend to take the lead. So I don't know your whole situation- it could be that they were just as responsible for the breakdown in communications. I'm just saying for the sake of YOUR relationship with your folks, it may not be appropriate to expect them to accept half.
What happened in my own experience was that my parents gave my ex chance after chance to make things right. He lied to them repeatedly, and they had to bail us out financially several times. They were friendly right up to the very end and never once let him know how little they respected him, or what they really thought. But he still resented them, just as he resented me.
Just my experience, and I do hope things work out differently for you. I hope the emotions will soon smooth over. I hope your husband is really serious about his recovery, that time will heal these wounds, and that you can all put this behind you soon.
Blessings to you
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Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs 
What happened in my own experience was that my parents gave my ex chance after chance to make things right. He lied to them repeatedly, and they had to bail us out financially several times. They were friendly right up to the very end and never once let him know how little they respected him, or what they really thought.
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Hope....I would say that he is very, very fortunate that they have bailed him/you out at all! This is more of a break than most people get...and, it is not your parent's responsibility to take care of any other adults except themselves, anyway.....
I would not say that it is the parent who are causing distance between you and your husband...I would say that you husband has taken care of that, very nicely, himself.....
form here...it looks like a lot of triangulation going on between the parents, you and, your husband....
I hope that your mother is able to take the "hit" in her workplace,in case things go southward...?
I know that I sound harsh by saying these things....but, one must face reality.......or, it comes back to bite one on the behind....hard....
How hard is your husband working on his sobriety? Lots of AA meetings, and a sponsor and a counselor?......That would be the minimum, in order to expect real recovery.....recovery means working a diligent program as the number one priority...for a lifetime.....
I would not say that it is the parent who are causing distance between you and your husband...I would say that you husband has taken care of that, very nicely, himself.....
form here...it looks like a lot of triangulation going on between the parents, you and, your husband....
I hope that your mother is able to take the "hit" in her workplace,in case things go southward...?
I know that I sound harsh by saying these things....but, one must face reality.......or, it comes back to bite one on the behind....hard....
How hard is your husband working on his sobriety? Lots of AA meetings, and a sponsor and a counselor?......That would be the minimum, in order to expect real recovery.....recovery means working a diligent program as the number one priority...for a lifetime.....
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That's an enormously generous offer by your mom. I hope he understands that. This isn't just his credibility on the line anymore, it's hers.
I was in a position like your mom's at one point in my career and honestly, while I did see to it that qualified people I knew from elsewhere got a chance to be interviewed, I was really careful about who because their performance reflected on my judgment.
The only appropriate response from him is, "Thank you so much for giving me this incredible chance to rebuild my life and I promise I won't let you down." If he acts resentful or wants to rehash the past and assign blame under these circumstances...it's a red flag.
I was in a position like your mom's at one point in my career and honestly, while I did see to it that qualified people I knew from elsewhere got a chance to be interviewed, I was really careful about who because their performance reflected on my judgment.
The only appropriate response from him is, "Thank you so much for giving me this incredible chance to rebuild my life and I promise I won't let you down." If he acts resentful or wants to rehash the past and assign blame under these circumstances...it's a red flag.
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We are very fortunate. That is putting it lightly. I am extremely aware of how lucky I am to have the help and support that I do from family, which has actually caused me a lot of guilt that I am trying to leave in the past.
The talk went well. RAH was tearful, genuine, open and I think we are all ready to move on.
The talk went well. RAH was tearful, genuine, open and I think we are all ready to move on.
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