Westexy

I hope the title doesn't seem too flippant for all of you. I am planning to separate and divorce from my AH this year. We have been together for 24 years, married for 20 and have one child. My husband had some drinking issues throughout our relationship, but after his mom died four years ago, his drinking and personality changed dramatically - drinking every day, verbally abusive, leaving very dramatically in front of our child multiple times, and on and on. We've been to counseling three times, but I finally realized after one incident that WE can't figure anything out together until HE works on HIS issues. I have already started working on mine. He is unwilling to make any changes. He says he has already given enough to the marriage and now it's my turn. Ok. It's the same story I've read here so many times. Everything is my fault. Add on to that, he won't leave our home, so I may have to leave with our child for some amount of time until some temporary orders can be issued to get him out if a judge will agree.

Who else out there is about to make a big change? How I feel about it varies from day to day. I'm hoping to make a move at the beginning of February and right now I'm in kind of a scared phase, but I can't go on like this.

Gumball

Separating from my AH and living apart after years of familiarity having him around was one of the scariest and hardest things. We aren't completely done however but the space even in rough times is better than what it was. Sometimes it's hard and I miss him but then a wrinkle of a reminder of how it use to be slaps me on the face and says .. wake up you couldn't keep going on like that. Living apart was a huge change but I'm leaving the work to him. As you said...they are his issues. You can bring a horse to water but can't make them drink and I understand when you say everything is your fault as I was the blame for anything that has or could go wrong. For a long time I tried to be better .. as if my actions or inactions were the cause. Then I realized that no matter how good I was or how good things were. He still was drinking. Big hugs!

hearthealth

It doesn't matter how hard we try. He will always be self absorbed in this marriage. Nothing changes if nothing changes and I have changed. Ihave to do some final preparations and then I will be out.
It will be good to see how life changes for the better for us.

PhoenixJ

Prayers to you and your family. PJ

Westexy

One of my three "lightbulb" moments in 2016 occurred after he said something he has probably said 1000 times during our marriage- "My drinking is only a problem for YOU!" In the past I would have argued that point with him, but in a moment of clarity (as I was walking away, trying not to jade) I thought, even if it were only a problem for me, wouldn't that still merit some discussion, some resolution, in a healthy relationship? Yes - it would.

LexieCat

I've divorced twice, and it's scary at first, but I found that planning and strategizing helped me break down the process, and putting energy into my own home helped with the adjustment once I was gone. Everything that your husband is currently "handling" (in terms of finances, decisions, repairs, etc.) are things you are capable of managing on your own. Just because it feels unfamiliar and scary--and even if you make mistakes along the way--doesn't mean you're incapable. It only means you're inexperienced. As you GET the experience, you will become more competent and confident at managing everything.

Just throwing out some encouragement from the sidelines.

CaptainM

Hi Westexy. If things go accordingly, I'll be divorced from AH this spring. We've been separated since summer. Clarity, strength, grace and hugs to us. I know it's for the best, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

Bekindalways

Welcome all!

Westexy, I think this is a great idea. I never married my qualifier but I would have loved a group like this when I left!

TropicalWinter

I've been separated since April 2015, but I'm hoping that the divorce happens this year. He supposedly filed a few months ago, but I have not been served, nor is there any legal record with the clerk of courts, so I don't know what's going on with it. I do know that, in my circumstance, it actually benefits me and my kids to be married to him longer, so I'm just biding my time, working on building my new life.

LexieCat

Have you checked the courts in jurisdictions where you both live? Divorce can usually be filed wherever one of the parties is located (may vary from state to state). If there's no record and you haven't been served, he hasn't filed.

savingmein2017

Husband of 10 years walked out on me after I told him I wasn't happy. He drinks everyday and falls asleep on the couch by 9. He tells me I should be grateful because some wife's don't know where there husband is every night atleast he is home. I reject that excuse. Is it me though?

SmallButMighty

If his drinking is a problem for you.. THAT IS VALID. Your feelings matter, don't allow yourself to be minimalized!

*hugs*

Carol Star

My primary care doc once told me that being with an alcoholic is " like having a bright, shiny, red racecar- but without the engine in it . "

savingmein2017

I feel awful because if I had not attempted to talk to him then he would be home. Instead we are seperated and he( 44) is running around to bars and posting it on Facebook. I'm so embarrassed. It's as if he does not realize I'm serious. I filed for divorce last month.

dandylion

savingme.....if it is not one thing...then it would be another.....
He is doing what he wants to do.....there is always some excuse.....

don't you think you deserve more than just a warm body passing out in a chair every night?

SmallButMighty

I know the whole situation feels awful and embarrassing. But you don't deserve to be in a relationship with a "man" who can't even bear to hear your feeling with out reacting like a petulant child. It will get better.

qtpi

Love this thread. Thank you. It was all my fault too. And his excessive drinking was normal. So much twisted thinking,

I left a 33 year marriage after a truly heinous event this year. what took me so long?

Waiting on the divorce. Waiting on the financial settlement. I moved out. he still in the big house.

The worst part is both kids are angry at me- one won't even speak to me. DD has told me some of his lies but not all, and she was so rude to me the last couple of times we talked-= that- at least for today- I have decided not to call her anymore.

I am definitely in the Class of 2017- just can't wait until graduation. will update my progress!

savingmein2017

Thank you, I really hope so. For months now he has said many things and not followed through.....(we will talk about our marriage .. We will talk about our finances.. He will come by and get his clothes etc ). But he did say he will not do is counciling.

qtpi

Of course he doesn't want to do counselling. He just wants to talk with YOU... right? because as long as you are "talking" he gets to keep you and the drinking. And the drinking can't be "that bad" if he still has you.

dandylion

savingme......then, he is not ready for real recovery...when one really wants to get and stay sober...they are willing to do ANYTHING...

good that you have filed...you have probably just saved your own life!