When did you know you had to get off the ride?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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When did you know you had to get off the ride?
Surely there was a moment of poignancy or...epiphany that stopped you dead in your tracks where staying became more painful then leaving. When did that moment happen for you? Has it?
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Yes. Almost divorced three years ago during major relapse, took him back on condition that that was it. Next relapse meant divorce.
He had a major relapse 3 years later (apparently he has been dabbling into pills even earlier - I just did not know).
I just knew that was it and there was no way back when I was driving him to rehab. On the way back I accidentally found out that, in addition to relapse, he also cheated (his very intoxicated ladyfriend called his cell that rehab gave to me). That sealed the divorce decision in stone.
It has been almost a year and, while I have my rough moments, I am yet to regret my decision
He had a major relapse 3 years later (apparently he has been dabbling into pills even earlier - I just did not know).
I just knew that was it and there was no way back when I was driving him to rehab. On the way back I accidentally found out that, in addition to relapse, he also cheated (his very intoxicated ladyfriend called his cell that rehab gave to me). That sealed the divorce decision in stone.
It has been almost a year and, while I have my rough moments, I am yet to regret my decision
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
I have forgiven many times, but each time, I thought it was the drugs making him unstable and crazy.
However, I gave him one last chance when he was few months sober, had new great job and he seemed genuenly happy. For months he was telling me how I was the one and how he loved me and wanted future with me.
Then one day he txtd me saying "he thinks of me sometimes, but he doesnt miss me or the relationship".
I saw how unstable he is when sober and I dont like man who behave like 5 year old. One day planning future with you, the next day they are going throught yawn and send you "honest" message like that. I mean, you dont have to miss me right now, but if you plan future with me why would you send something like this unless you are 5?
I realized that THIS was him, and that our relationship at the beginning was only him being extremely charming and not himself. Then I knew that this is not what I want. I believe that he is either narcist or sociopath or both... no thanks...
However, I gave him one last chance when he was few months sober, had new great job and he seemed genuenly happy. For months he was telling me how I was the one and how he loved me and wanted future with me.
Then one day he txtd me saying "he thinks of me sometimes, but he doesnt miss me or the relationship".
I saw how unstable he is when sober and I dont like man who behave like 5 year old. One day planning future with you, the next day they are going throught yawn and send you "honest" message like that. I mean, you dont have to miss me right now, but if you plan future with me why would you send something like this unless you are 5?
I realized that THIS was him, and that our relationship at the beginning was only him being extremely charming and not himself. Then I knew that this is not what I want. I believe that he is either narcist or sociopath or both... no thanks...
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Smarie, I don't know that I had one specific moment that I could point to and say "this is when I knew, for sure, for certain, absolutely and forever." I don't think I was certain when I filed for the separation. I don't think I was even certain when we converted that to a divorce. When I finally asked him to move out, even then I don't know that I was sure.
But each time, I was a little more sure. Each time I was a little more able to see clearly who he was, who I was becoming, and what I wanted versus what we actually had.
And now, a year and a half post divorce, a year after him moving out, I AM absolutely certain. The anger and resentment are mostly gone. I see him as a person w/some deep and terrible flaws. That doesn't make him less than human, but it does mean I place limits on the depth of our connection. I know, truly and totally, that I do NOT want to live with him, I do NOT love him in a husband-and-wife sense.
Speaking from my own personal experience, Smarie, sometimes you just don't get to know for sure until after you've taken the action, made the choice. All you can do is gather your fears in one arm, your hopes in the other, take a good running start, and hurtle over that chasm of uncertainty to see what's on the other side.
My money is on it being something great that you can't even imagine right now...
But each time, I was a little more sure. Each time I was a little more able to see clearly who he was, who I was becoming, and what I wanted versus what we actually had.
And now, a year and a half post divorce, a year after him moving out, I AM absolutely certain. The anger and resentment are mostly gone. I see him as a person w/some deep and terrible flaws. That doesn't make him less than human, but it does mean I place limits on the depth of our connection. I know, truly and totally, that I do NOT want to live with him, I do NOT love him in a husband-and-wife sense.
Speaking from my own personal experience, Smarie, sometimes you just don't get to know for sure until after you've taken the action, made the choice. All you can do is gather your fears in one arm, your hopes in the other, take a good running start, and hurtle over that chasm of uncertainty to see what's on the other side.
My money is on it being something great that you can't even imagine right now...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Yes, I had a moment. I don't remember what it was. I only remember wishing I hadn't told myself for so long that I needed some external validation for what I knew in my heart was keeping me stuck.
I wasn't doing myself or my XABF any favors by allowing my codependent need to be attached to someone to keep me from letting go. No one was happy; I was only allowing us to pretend to be happy to maintain the illusion that we were in anything resembling a healthy relationship.
I wasn't doing myself or my XABF any favors by allowing my codependent need to be attached to someone to keep me from letting go. No one was happy; I was only allowing us to pretend to be happy to maintain the illusion that we were in anything resembling a healthy relationship.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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At some point, my self-respect woke up, put its hands on its hips, started rapidly tapping a toe and asked just how much longer I was prepared to spend looking like an idiot to my friends, my family, my coworkers, and most of all, myself.
I was a smart, attractive, capable professional woman who was getting dragged down by the neck by the "go away, come here" dance of alcoholic drama. No one was applauding my saintliness and patience with this crap...especially not him. Everyone who truly cared about me was mystified, horrified, and embarrassed for me.
I got sick of someone using all of my good qualities against me.
I got really sick of looking and feeling like an idiot.
Most of all, I was sick of being used.
I was a smart, attractive, capable professional woman who was getting dragged down by the neck by the "go away, come here" dance of alcoholic drama. No one was applauding my saintliness and patience with this crap...especially not him. Everyone who truly cared about me was mystified, horrified, and embarrassed for me.
I got sick of someone using all of my good qualities against me.
I got really sick of looking and feeling like an idiot.
Most of all, I was sick of being used.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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I actually did have an epiphany that I remember almost 30 years later. Although before the epiphany, the relationship was pretty much like watching the trajectory of a ball thrown accurately and forcefully towards addict-land.
My boyfriend and I had been together on and off for 5 years in college and after. He was American Indian and came from an alcoholic family so his chances of avoiding addiction were not great and I knew it.
He was working in California and I was working in Nevada. For a week, ,on phone calls, he was almost hysterical and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I drove down on my next break and he told me he had been doing meth. He was adamant that he would never do it again (adamant addicts are a bad sign.). He said he would just give it up on his own (another bad sign). He said, "See you never really knew me." and I asked him, "Do you want me to know you?" His answer blew me away with the honesty and what it meant . . . . "I don't know. Let me think about it.".
Right then, I realized that he wasn't and probably never would be emotionally available for a relationship. After 5 years, he still wasn't sure he wanted to be known. He later clarified that he wanted me to ask him about himself instead of taking responsibility for communicating. I realized a marriage to this guy would be a lifetime of me chasing him and I wasn't okay with that.
I remember standing in the hallway of his little apartment and having this conversation. I was 25 and completely, utterly, off my rocker in love with this man. Within a month, I had bought a ticket to Bolivia, left my job and went to South American for 6 months. I knew I had to take this drastic a step because I was in such a bad state. It is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done and probably saved my life.
My boyfriend and I had been together on and off for 5 years in college and after. He was American Indian and came from an alcoholic family so his chances of avoiding addiction were not great and I knew it.
He was working in California and I was working in Nevada. For a week, ,on phone calls, he was almost hysterical and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I drove down on my next break and he told me he had been doing meth. He was adamant that he would never do it again (adamant addicts are a bad sign.). He said he would just give it up on his own (another bad sign). He said, "See you never really knew me." and I asked him, "Do you want me to know you?" His answer blew me away with the honesty and what it meant . . . . "I don't know. Let me think about it.".
Right then, I realized that he wasn't and probably never would be emotionally available for a relationship. After 5 years, he still wasn't sure he wanted to be known. He later clarified that he wanted me to ask him about himself instead of taking responsibility for communicating. I realized a marriage to this guy would be a lifetime of me chasing him and I wasn't okay with that.
I remember standing in the hallway of his little apartment and having this conversation. I was 25 and completely, utterly, off my rocker in love with this man. Within a month, I had bought a ticket to Bolivia, left my job and went to South American for 6 months. I knew I had to take this drastic a step because I was in such a bad state. It is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done and probably saved my life.
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I remember the exact moment...as clear as a bell....
I was standing in the hallway....and some force within me said..."You will never be free to be yourself as long as you stay with him". It happened in the span of a few seconds. It was like a light came on over my head.....
I think of it as is the instinct of self-preservation took over.....
I have know of animals, caught in a trap...who will, literally, chew off a limb to get free...to save their own life.....
Self-preservation is a powerful force....and it enables us to do things we never dreamed possible.....
I was standing in the hallway....and some force within me said..."You will never be free to be yourself as long as you stay with him". It happened in the span of a few seconds. It was like a light came on over my head.....
I think of it as is the instinct of self-preservation took over.....
I have know of animals, caught in a trap...who will, literally, chew off a limb to get free...to save their own life.....
Self-preservation is a powerful force....and it enables us to do things we never dreamed possible.....
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Mine was when the following things happened, in close succession, within a few months after we got married. He went back to drinking after almost dying of alcohol-related liver and kidney failure not even a year before. He lost his job and did virtually nothing to secure another. I finally found a job (under employed, given my experience), and was looking for another to try to support us. He signed a new lease on our rented house, after I had explicitly told him not to--that we could no longer afford that house. He showed zero signs of willingness to stop drinking.
It was a matter of self-preservation. I could be dragged down with him or save myself. I've never regretted my decision.
It was a matter of self-preservation. I could be dragged down with him or save myself. I've never regretted my decision.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 8
A few months ago when it all built up. I was tired of chasing after him with a broom to clean up and make excuses. I guess I had just been doing it so long I couldn't anymore. So I asked him to move out. You hit the nail on the head with , when staying becomes more painful than leaving. It hurt too much having him at home and it was exhausting. I was physically and emotionally tired of the same routine with the same problem
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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My ex and I had a small startup together. We had a number of clients, small companies who were not much bigger than us. My lovely ex wife connected with a huge company, one that would give us not only a boost on cash flow but would be a great referal to bigger clients.
Went to visit the V.P. at this new client, him and his wife met us for dinner. The conversation very quickly became personal, far more than the usual business convo over dinner. It seemed to me that the V.P. and my ex were incredibly comfortable and friendly with each other, as if they had been friends for years.
In my confusion at this apparent friendship I turned to look at the V.P's wife. She burst into tears and literally ran out of the restaurant. The V.P. totally ignored her. I did not, I calmly followed her out and found her sitting on a bench, crying her heart out. Once she calmed down she told me how her husband had been cheating on her for years, but she was trying to keep the marriage together for the children.
A few days later, when we got back home from visiting that client, I had a convo with my ex. I managed to stay calm, keep detached, and was just focused on getting a handle on what was going on. No acusation, threats or blaming.
My ex was a bit agitated, and admitted to the relationship. She had no hesitation about what she was doing with the V.P. None at all. She demanded that we continue to visit that big client so that she would be able to continue her "friendship" with the V.P. Our visits would provide him with a viable excuse to present to his boss, so that he could expense the dinners and entertainment. She even said the V.P. was looking into paying our air-fare and hotels.
What blew my mind was not that she was having an affair, but the she was completely unconcerned with the damage she was doing to the V.P.'s wife. The depth of self-centerdness was frightening.
That was the moment when my denial came crashing down. My ex was no longer the lovely, kind woman I had met some decades ago. This was an entirely different person.
I might have been able to maintain the denial in spite of the affair. What I could not even imagine myself doing was taking part in the cover up. The V.P.'s wife was in a world of pain, there is no way I could ever be involved in causing such pain to another person.
That very same day I went to my first al-anon meeting and started on my recovery.
Mike
Went to visit the V.P. at this new client, him and his wife met us for dinner. The conversation very quickly became personal, far more than the usual business convo over dinner. It seemed to me that the V.P. and my ex were incredibly comfortable and friendly with each other, as if they had been friends for years.
In my confusion at this apparent friendship I turned to look at the V.P's wife. She burst into tears and literally ran out of the restaurant. The V.P. totally ignored her. I did not, I calmly followed her out and found her sitting on a bench, crying her heart out. Once she calmed down she told me how her husband had been cheating on her for years, but she was trying to keep the marriage together for the children.
A few days later, when we got back home from visiting that client, I had a convo with my ex. I managed to stay calm, keep detached, and was just focused on getting a handle on what was going on. No acusation, threats or blaming.
My ex was a bit agitated, and admitted to the relationship. She had no hesitation about what she was doing with the V.P. None at all. She demanded that we continue to visit that big client so that she would be able to continue her "friendship" with the V.P. Our visits would provide him with a viable excuse to present to his boss, so that he could expense the dinners and entertainment. She even said the V.P. was looking into paying our air-fare and hotels.
What blew my mind was not that she was having an affair, but the she was completely unconcerned with the damage she was doing to the V.P.'s wife. The depth of self-centerdness was frightening.
That was the moment when my denial came crashing down. My ex was no longer the lovely, kind woman I had met some decades ago. This was an entirely different person.
I might have been able to maintain the denial in spite of the affair. What I could not even imagine myself doing was taking part in the cover up. The V.P.'s wife was in a world of pain, there is no way I could ever be involved in causing such pain to another person.
That very same day I went to my first al-anon meeting and started on my recovery.
Mike
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
There is a twig inside that snaps. I heard mine snapping. We had a very bad argument, he called me a a really bad name (b***-word is a fluffy kitten compared to this compound) and said we are not even married because we married in a sh**tty little courthouse (after 9 years of marriage). In my case, it was not only alcoholism, but abuse as well (possibly present bipolar disorder, but schizophrenia not excluded). And once I started practicing detachment, things got worse. He became extremely jealous, difficult, accusing me of cheating, and I was the one sleeping on sofa for 2 years because he made a bar out of our bedroom. The only regret I have is that I have not left earlier. My twig snapped at 35, and I got an emergency divorce. Before that, I moved out. Then I opened a can of worms, finding out that he had a history, and used to be "in very a dark place." And then all the pieces of puzzle came together.
In any case, I am in a much happier place now. Grateful for each and every ray of sunshine.
This is the first year since I do not even remember when that I actually feel sorry that the holiday season is over!
In any case, I am in a much happier place now. Grateful for each and every ray of sunshine.
This is the first year since I do not even remember when that I actually feel sorry that the holiday season is over!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by dandylion 
... It must have been really traumatic, for you....
It was an extremely sad moment. My ex can be incredibly kind and giving. There's a whole list of young women that she took under wing and mentored in their careers, before she became addicted. How she changed into the complete oposite is beyond my comprehension. Recovery has taught me how to accept, grieve and detach, but I don't think I will ever understand.Mike
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
The question needs to be rephrased for me: when did I know I had to get off the ride OR when did I decide to get off the ride? Those are 2 totally different stories.
In a nutshell: I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic. I knew I shouldn't have even gotten ON THE RIDE from day one. I felt it. I should have listened to myself.
I knew I had to get off the ride after he started drinking again after 15 years of being sober, but also of being a dry drunk.
After 3 years of sitting on the fence and watching his alcoholism spiraling (he started drinking again and picked up right back where he left off and wound up in jail and creating a HUGE mess for our family) , I had to make a decision. Well, actually, the decision was made for me......by my Higher Power, to just let go. But, it took 3 years to actually leave.
I truly had to have perfect peace. A peace that surpassed my human knowledge and feeling and understanding. It was a process of healing, of letting go, and of trusting my HP to set me on the path that was perfect for me. NOT easy and not an overnight process.
My advice to you is to work an Al Anon program and to find some folks who you can confide in IRL who can support you and hug you and teach you to trust yourself. I know where you are at, I know I was filled with fear.....but I am 2 years post divorce and blissfully happy with my life. It's not perfect, but it's mine!
Hugs to you. I do know that I chose to leave when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. I saw that referenced above. our paths are our own, and on one can walk it for us. You are on your own path and I pray that you find a peaceful and serene way to move forward, with our without your alcoholic.
In a nutshell: I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic. I knew I shouldn't have even gotten ON THE RIDE from day one. I felt it. I should have listened to myself.
I knew I had to get off the ride after he started drinking again after 15 years of being sober, but also of being a dry drunk.
After 3 years of sitting on the fence and watching his alcoholism spiraling (he started drinking again and picked up right back where he left off and wound up in jail and creating a HUGE mess for our family) , I had to make a decision. Well, actually, the decision was made for me......by my Higher Power, to just let go. But, it took 3 years to actually leave.
I truly had to have perfect peace. A peace that surpassed my human knowledge and feeling and understanding. It was a process of healing, of letting go, and of trusting my HP to set me on the path that was perfect for me. NOT easy and not an overnight process.
My advice to you is to work an Al Anon program and to find some folks who you can confide in IRL who can support you and hug you and teach you to trust yourself. I know where you are at, I know I was filled with fear.....but I am 2 years post divorce and blissfully happy with my life. It's not perfect, but it's mine!
Hugs to you. I do know that I chose to leave when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. I saw that referenced above. our paths are our own, and on one can walk it for us. You are on your own path and I pray that you find a peaceful and serene way to move forward, with our without your alcoholic.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Great question, Smarie.
I had my moment in Sept 2015. After spending all day helping a friend clean and paint with my sister-in-law (XAH sister), we came back to my place. XAH was drunk with the friend.
SIL and I were exhausted, and XAH wanted to continue to drink and "have fun" with us. After a while, the dialogue between SIL/me and XAH started to get heated, as XAH wouldn't leave us alone. Eventually, SIL and XAH were standing in front of me screaming about the same things XAH and I would argue about (him being drunk and me wanting to be left alone). It was like a movie of me watching myself, and I was struck by the absurdity and insanity of the argument. At that point, I knew I was done. I moved out two days later.
At that point, I knew I couldn't stay any more. I was *done*.
In hindsight, my gut knew that 1,000 epiphanies had happened over the past 6 years. Growing up as an ACoA, I got really good at ignoring my gut/intuition. It is only recently, through therapy, that I have started to be able to hear that little voice again.
I told myself for years that if certain things happened, I would leave. Like, if XAH hit me (he never did), if I found out he cheated on me (he did), then I could leave in good conscience. That barometer was faulty, as I could justify/explain his behavior away. What I really needed to do, and what I eventually did, is to listen to myself.
There are moments I am sad, or I miss his companionship, or think about the good times. However, I have never once regretted leaving. We divorced in late summer. He is still cruel to me occasionally, when we have to communicate.
It is getting easier to listen to my gut. So far, when I have acted on my intuition, I haven't made the wrong decision.
When I started questioning whether or not I should leave is when I should have left.
I had my moment in Sept 2015. After spending all day helping a friend clean and paint with my sister-in-law (XAH sister), we came back to my place. XAH was drunk with the friend.
SIL and I were exhausted, and XAH wanted to continue to drink and "have fun" with us. After a while, the dialogue between SIL/me and XAH started to get heated, as XAH wouldn't leave us alone. Eventually, SIL and XAH were standing in front of me screaming about the same things XAH and I would argue about (him being drunk and me wanting to be left alone). It was like a movie of me watching myself, and I was struck by the absurdity and insanity of the argument. At that point, I knew I was done. I moved out two days later.
At that point, I knew I couldn't stay any more. I was *done*.
In hindsight, my gut knew that 1,000 epiphanies had happened over the past 6 years. Growing up as an ACoA, I got really good at ignoring my gut/intuition. It is only recently, through therapy, that I have started to be able to hear that little voice again.
I told myself for years that if certain things happened, I would leave. Like, if XAH hit me (he never did), if I found out he cheated on me (he did), then I could leave in good conscience. That barometer was faulty, as I could justify/explain his behavior away. What I really needed to do, and what I eventually did, is to listen to myself.
There are moments I am sad, or I miss his companionship, or think about the good times. However, I have never once regretted leaving. We divorced in late summer. He is still cruel to me occasionally, when we have to communicate.
It is getting easier to listen to my gut. So far, when I have acted on my intuition, I haven't made the wrong decision.
When I started questioning whether or not I should leave is when I should have left.
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