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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 2
New here
Hello all! What brings me to SR is my AB. First, I have to say THANK YOU to all of you who share your experiences and advice here. I have been reading many posts on this site for the past couple of weeks and many of you have already helped me without even knowing it.
I wouldn't have considered myself codependent, but after reading through many things on this site...oh boy! I've come to realize I need to begin a recovery process of my own if I truly want a better life.
Some background with AB - I knew him for a little over 2 years before we started dating and yet had NO idea he had substance abuse problems. He has PTSD and when we began dating he blamed his behaviors on the illness, but as I did research and became more observant, I realized he also had a whole variety of substance abuse problems. He routinely abused his prescription meds (mostly the benzos), narcotics, and alcohol, usually in combinations that he's lucky didn't put him in the hospital. Once I called him out on it he successfully worked through much of that (a post for another time!) and since about July of this year the primary problem has been alcohol. He is as mean as a snake when he is under the influence and has many of the typical alcoholic behaviors: lying, hiding it, manipulation. He is, sadly, exceptionally skilled at manipulation, which I believe is why it took me so long to dig through layers of his "public self" to learn who is truly is.
Currently, he hasn't been drunk enough to be mean for about four months, and I have clearly set that boundary with him - it happens even once, he's out. (We live together). But, he has also been claiming since then that he recognizes he is an addict and is recovering, while in actuality he has not been in recovery. He's been resorting to his typical deceptions to make me believe he has...whatever he feels he has to do to keep our relationship intact except, sadly, truly embark on recovery.
I'm sure I'll have lots to post about and many questions to ask, as this is the first place I have felt I can truly open up about my experience with AB and talk with people who understand. For now, though, thank you to all of you for being here on this site!!
I wouldn't have considered myself codependent, but after reading through many things on this site...oh boy! I've come to realize I need to begin a recovery process of my own if I truly want a better life.
Some background with AB - I knew him for a little over 2 years before we started dating and yet had NO idea he had substance abuse problems. He has PTSD and when we began dating he blamed his behaviors on the illness, but as I did research and became more observant, I realized he also had a whole variety of substance abuse problems. He routinely abused his prescription meds (mostly the benzos), narcotics, and alcohol, usually in combinations that he's lucky didn't put him in the hospital. Once I called him out on it he successfully worked through much of that (a post for another time!) and since about July of this year the primary problem has been alcohol. He is as mean as a snake when he is under the influence and has many of the typical alcoholic behaviors: lying, hiding it, manipulation. He is, sadly, exceptionally skilled at manipulation, which I believe is why it took me so long to dig through layers of his "public self" to learn who is truly is.
Currently, he hasn't been drunk enough to be mean for about four months, and I have clearly set that boundary with him - it happens even once, he's out. (We live together). But, he has also been claiming since then that he recognizes he is an addict and is recovering, while in actuality he has not been in recovery. He's been resorting to his typical deceptions to make me believe he has...whatever he feels he has to do to keep our relationship intact except, sadly, truly embark on recovery.
I'm sure I'll have lots to post about and many questions to ask, as this is the first place I have felt I can truly open up about my experience with AB and talk with people who understand. For now, though, thank you to all of you for being here on this site!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Welcome, WantTheGoodLife. It seems like you understand more about the situation than you might realize. Simply put, he is an addict, and is self medicating (now with alcohol) to numb something deep down that needs real attention. None of that is your fault, and please don't lose yourself trying to fix it for him - you can't. I lost myself trying to "help" my addict husband. All to no avail. He had to do it on his own. He is now in recovery. Anyways, I digress.
But, he has also been claiming since then that he recognizes he is an addict and is recovering, while in actuality he has not been in recovery. -- Recognizing you are an addict/alcoholic and working at recovery are two very different things. It is good that you realize that. He knows that too, but they are very good at giving us just enough to keep us on the line.
I always recommend face to face help - Al-Anon, counseling, reaching out to your church, etc. Coming from an introvert, I really understand if you feel hesitant to do that. I will tell you, you won't regret it.
Keep reading and posting! We're here for you.
But, he has also been claiming since then that he recognizes he is an addict and is recovering, while in actuality he has not been in recovery. -- Recognizing you are an addict/alcoholic and working at recovery are two very different things. It is good that you realize that. He knows that too, but they are very good at giving us just enough to keep us on the line.
I always recommend face to face help - Al-Anon, counseling, reaching out to your church, etc. Coming from an introvert, I really understand if you feel hesitant to do that. I will tell you, you won't regret it.
Keep reading and posting! We're here for you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wanthegoodlife.....continue to study and learn and to develop all the insight into your self that you can.... Knowledge is power.
I suggest starting on a specific plan...so at the first sign of "relapse" you can be gone in a flash.....
If the house is yours...you may have to leave, because an alcoholic is hard to get rid of, if they decide they don't want to leave...lol...
I suggest starting on a specific plan...so at the first sign of "relapse" you can be gone in a flash.....
If the house is yours...you may have to leave, because an alcoholic is hard to get rid of, if they decide they don't want to leave...lol...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Welcome WTGL! I am so glad that you found us.
Many here wish they had figured out the alcohol/addiction/codependency as early as you seem to be. There may be underlying reasons why you chose an addict; there sure were for me.
Let us know how you get on.
Many here wish they had figured out the alcohol/addiction/codependency as early as you seem to be. There may be underlying reasons why you chose an addict; there sure were for me.
Let us know how you get on.
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