Living Honestly

Old 12-30-2016, 05:29 AM
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Living Honestly

I attended my first alanon meeting with my 17 year old daughter yesterday. That was humbling. With 2017 fast approaching my only resolution is to live honestly. Be honest about what is happening in my home, marriage, heart and mind. I am terrified and free all at the same time. My daughter basically ran her own intervention with her father 2 days ago, begging him to quit drinking although he had been drinking when she had this conversation so you can only imagine how it was received. I wasn't ready to make the big decisions but now I must for her. I am meeting with a woman who runs our local alanon group and who is also a very good friend to our family today. I need guidance with boundaries and a step by step plan. I have been married for 20 years to an alcoholic. I now believe he's been an alcoholic the whole time with periods that were better managed than others. Why didn't I see, why didn't I trust myself, why do I still doubt my judgment? I have learned to detach over the last two years its the with love part I am having trouble with. I had cancer in May had 1/2 of my upper jaw removed and part of my palate. I was in a different state to have this surgery and the day I was released from the hospital back to the hotel my AH left me there alone for 3 hours in excruciating pain and returned drunk and passed out. Who does that to a human being? What is wrong with me that I am still here in this home accepting that type of behavior. I have done so many things the last two years to take care of me but why do I still accept that from anyone? I need all the strength and love you can send.
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Old 12-30-2016, 05:57 AM
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viola71 - I can assure you I have asked all of those questions myself. You are not alone. I reflect on mine and RAH's early relationship, and wonder why in the world I did not choose to leave at that early stage when there were red flags in different aspects of our relationship. I wonder why I "put up" with things or allow things to be done or said. I think being honest to your truth is going to be a great thing for you. Speak honestly, speak openly, act humbly, and continue to put one foot in front of the other ONLY in the direction that is healthy for you and your daughter. You are stronger than you feel!
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Old 12-30-2016, 08:07 AM
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The past isn't relevant, except to the extent that you learn from it and try to mend what you can. The rest, well, you didn't do anything most of us haven't done. Part of recovery is forgiving yourself--when we know better, we do better.

Here's to a happier New Year!
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Old 12-30-2016, 12:36 PM
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Living honestly . . . .great resolution for a codie. This is a challenge for me. Your thread title sure caught my eye as honesty does not come easily to me.
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Old 12-30-2016, 01:33 PM
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This is great post. Thank you
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Old 12-30-2016, 01:48 PM
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Yep this has been big with me. My therapist often says "you're trying to live an authentic life, which is hard." It's very, very hard as a codependent. It does get better with time, though.
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Old 12-31-2016, 05:16 AM
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. I wasn't ready to make the big decisions but now I must for her. I am meeting with a woman who runs our local alanon group and who is also a very good friend to our family today. I need guidance with boundaries and a step by step plan. I have been married for 20 years to an alcoholic. I now believe he's been an alcoholic the whole time with periods that were better managed than others. Why didn't I see, why didn't I trust myself, why do I still doubt my judgment? I have learned to detach over the last two years its the with love part I am having trouble with.

I can relate to the above- I am just starting to get my confidence back- trusting my decisions more and more. I still make mistakes, but I doubted my judgments all the 33 years I was married because he seemed to manage quite well at times- and also he lied and hid his addiction.
I left in May 2016. best decision I ever made. Going to Alanon helped. This SR Forum is excellent. Also certain books were very very, helpful to me- Toby Rice Drews- Getting Them Sober, Craig Nakken's book on addiction, and Twerski's book on addictive thinking. Joanna Hunter's book, Maybe He'll Change was also extremely helpful after I left. I get the most help out of books. Another very good book that is out of print is Living With a Problem Drinker by Gary Forrester- I got it at the library. That book helped me the most. It gave me a step by step plan and some cl;ear advice. Too bad it is not in print anymore.
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Old 01-02-2017, 12:38 PM
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viola,
You have been through alot last year. I hope you are doing well physically. your post helped me.
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