I thought I was ok...Until he called me...
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 10
I thought I was ok...Until he called me...
3 weeks he has been in rehab. 3 weeks without contact... And when I finally start feeling like Im going to be ok, when I start making my own plans thinking about my own life and my own future...He calls me...
So here is what happened -
I received a random message on Wednesday evening, via whatsapp from a number I do not know, saying 'Baby, can you call me on this number, I just left the rehab'. Im a bit shocked...Im hoping but then not hoping it is him..(although I know it is him cause I'm not with anyone else in rehab). I don't answer back..So he calls and of course the curiosity gets the better of me and I answer...He proceeds to tell me he is sober (obviously from 3 weeks being in rehab) and he couldn't handle being in there without talking to me. He say's all he thought about in the rehab was me, he tells me he still wants to come to Australia with me and can he still come...He still wants us to live a new life...He wants to spend New Years with me...He has written letters in rehab and reads out one of them too me... It is long and it makes me cry...All the usual BS of how much he loves me, how he is sorry for everything, how he wants a new life and to have a family with me and a normal life and job and so on and so on... He doesn't have anywhere to stay - he is in Berlin I am in Amsterdam. So I organise a hotel for him for the night..Why oh why I put myself through this I really don't know... I am at least smart enough now to not use my money, since I have his bankcard I use his own money and organise him a hotel. He tells me he is going to organise to come back to Amsterdam to be with me..This time sober....I want to believe him I really do..But a part of me still has a doubt...I want to believe he is coming back to Australia with me and we will be sober and have an amazing life there together... He tells me I am the only person that has loved him more than anyone, more than his mother, his sisters or brothers and any person in his life and because of this it makes him love me so much more... And to be honest I do not believe he is lying to me... I believe he genuinely loves and genuinely wants these things with me and even believes it himself in the moment...But I also know there is something he loves more than me and that is his addiction... So I take everything he says with hesitancy... I do not change any plans I have previously made, everytime I start romanticizing or fantasizing about our life together in Australia etc I catch myself...And trust me this is very very hard for me... because when I speak with him I am weak, he is so convincing and can be very manipulating when he wants his own way, I can so easily fall back into his trap and his wants as much as logic is screaming at me to hang the phone up and never answer his calls again... I tell him I will transfer money to him the next day, of course I will use his money (with his bankcard) and not my own...I'm at least smart enough now to not use any of my own funds...
It is now Friday and I haven't heard from him since Wednesday night....I transferred money to him yesterday, I have facebook messaged him (cause he has no phone) and he hasn't answered or read any of my messages...He hasn't checked any e-mails...Last night I was so worried, is he dead? Is he on a drug high again? How can he survive there without money or shelter or warmth...But I realize this isn't for me to worry about...As harsh as this sounds if he is dead he is dead, I cannot continue to worry myself sick over his wellbeing when he doesn't even care about his own wellbeing...
I know it's wrong but I cannot help it now, I hate it cause I thought I was doing so well...I finally give into the temptation and I check his facebook account... There I see him messaging a friend in Berlin on Wednesday night (fresh outta rehab) asking the friend to meet up with him At Watergate - a nightclub in Berlin... Oh how I feel so deceived..But then again what was I expecting? I feel so stupid. To believe, to have this hope that maybe just maybe this time it was different..This time he had learnt his lesson...I guess not...
I am worried not hearing from him, that he hasn't picked up his money yet, or checked his emails or messages. I cannot sleep properly now, I wonder if he is alive or dead? But this isn't my problem anymore I have to tell myself, he is a grown man he has made his own decisions..I'm not his mother I have to keep telling myself. The sooner I leave this environment the better.
I thought I was doing so well..I thought it was going to be ok... I don't know what this post was about I just really needed to vent I think and get it out... Right now I feel like I am 1 step forward and 2 steps back...
So here is what happened -
I received a random message on Wednesday evening, via whatsapp from a number I do not know, saying 'Baby, can you call me on this number, I just left the rehab'. Im a bit shocked...Im hoping but then not hoping it is him..(although I know it is him cause I'm not with anyone else in rehab). I don't answer back..So he calls and of course the curiosity gets the better of me and I answer...He proceeds to tell me he is sober (obviously from 3 weeks being in rehab) and he couldn't handle being in there without talking to me. He say's all he thought about in the rehab was me, he tells me he still wants to come to Australia with me and can he still come...He still wants us to live a new life...He wants to spend New Years with me...He has written letters in rehab and reads out one of them too me... It is long and it makes me cry...All the usual BS of how much he loves me, how he is sorry for everything, how he wants a new life and to have a family with me and a normal life and job and so on and so on... He doesn't have anywhere to stay - he is in Berlin I am in Amsterdam. So I organise a hotel for him for the night..Why oh why I put myself through this I really don't know... I am at least smart enough now to not use my money, since I have his bankcard I use his own money and organise him a hotel. He tells me he is going to organise to come back to Amsterdam to be with me..This time sober....I want to believe him I really do..But a part of me still has a doubt...I want to believe he is coming back to Australia with me and we will be sober and have an amazing life there together... He tells me I am the only person that has loved him more than anyone, more than his mother, his sisters or brothers and any person in his life and because of this it makes him love me so much more... And to be honest I do not believe he is lying to me... I believe he genuinely loves and genuinely wants these things with me and even believes it himself in the moment...But I also know there is something he loves more than me and that is his addiction... So I take everything he says with hesitancy... I do not change any plans I have previously made, everytime I start romanticizing or fantasizing about our life together in Australia etc I catch myself...And trust me this is very very hard for me... because when I speak with him I am weak, he is so convincing and can be very manipulating when he wants his own way, I can so easily fall back into his trap and his wants as much as logic is screaming at me to hang the phone up and never answer his calls again... I tell him I will transfer money to him the next day, of course I will use his money (with his bankcard) and not my own...I'm at least smart enough now to not use any of my own funds...
It is now Friday and I haven't heard from him since Wednesday night....I transferred money to him yesterday, I have facebook messaged him (cause he has no phone) and he hasn't answered or read any of my messages...He hasn't checked any e-mails...Last night I was so worried, is he dead? Is he on a drug high again? How can he survive there without money or shelter or warmth...But I realize this isn't for me to worry about...As harsh as this sounds if he is dead he is dead, I cannot continue to worry myself sick over his wellbeing when he doesn't even care about his own wellbeing...
I know it's wrong but I cannot help it now, I hate it cause I thought I was doing so well...I finally give into the temptation and I check his facebook account... There I see him messaging a friend in Berlin on Wednesday night (fresh outta rehab) asking the friend to meet up with him At Watergate - a nightclub in Berlin... Oh how I feel so deceived..But then again what was I expecting? I feel so stupid. To believe, to have this hope that maybe just maybe this time it was different..This time he had learnt his lesson...I guess not...
I am worried not hearing from him, that he hasn't picked up his money yet, or checked his emails or messages. I cannot sleep properly now, I wonder if he is alive or dead? But this isn't my problem anymore I have to tell myself, he is a grown man he has made his own decisions..I'm not his mother I have to keep telling myself. The sooner I leave this environment the better.
I thought I was doing so well..I thought it was going to be ok... I don't know what this post was about I just really needed to vent I think and get it out... Right now I feel like I am 1 step forward and 2 steps back...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
This is a good opportunity to reflect and change course if need be, tezktl. Your SO left rehab early--not ever a sign of progress. He called you and said all the right things, adding that, oh, by the way, I don't have anywhere to stay and no money. Would you sort that out for me? Which you did. Now he is missing in action, and the last you knew, he was heading to a nightclub.
Nothing has changed. He is still using--drugs, and you. Get his stuff back to him, and go to Australia...alone. He isn't ready yet. Peace.
Nothing has changed. He is still using--drugs, and you. Get his stuff back to him, and go to Australia...alone. He isn't ready yet. Peace.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I know the fear and chaos you are feeling for and because of this man. I lived in that dark place for years with my AXH. I don't think they do it on purpose to hurt us, but their addiction demands that they use us in that way. It's debilitating. You are on the right path, please, please, please, refuse to play along with that monkey on his back.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
The last man I let in my life was a lifelong addict/alcoholic "in recovery." I never saw him drunk or (obviously) under the influence. It didn't matter, his problems were more than just being high. His actions were not that of a sane person - by any definition of the word.
It took me three years to finally break free.
He still called regularly from phone numbers I didn't recognize, and as soon as I knew it was him I said,
"I have nothing to say." Then hung up.
I had to do this a few times before he got the message. This went on for a couple years after we had last seen each other in person.
You can say it too.
It is still painful and there will still be grieving, but it will not include more of his crazy.
It took me three years to finally break free.
He still called regularly from phone numbers I didn't recognize, and as soon as I knew it was him I said,
"I have nothing to say." Then hung up.
I had to do this a few times before he got the message. This went on for a couple years after we had last seen each other in person.
You can say it too.
It is still painful and there will still be grieving, but it will not include more of his crazy.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Is it too late to reverse the money transfer?
And as someone else mentioned, cut up that card. That way you aren't enabling his addiction in anyway... if he wants a card he can go into his bank and have one reissued. Drop that stuff back in his lap and wash your hands of it.
*hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 10
Thanks for all your replies, they do help me so much cause I feel so confused after speaking with him on Wednesday... I fly out on the 19th Jan, but I have booked to visit Vienna and Prague before I leave... Going to call his brother after the new year to pick up his clothes and belongings..Then I will be on my travels... Haha after living through his hurricane and madness this past year a bomb doesn't scare me so much lol... But I hope to have the last of my travels in Europe bomb free!! Thank you all for your support here, it is invaluable to me right now...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Is it too late to reverse the money transfer?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
So glad you used his funds and not your own Tezktl.
At this point in my own recovery, I would have caved too. Leaving the country is a great idea. I went from the US to South America as I knew I would have given in to the least temptation. So glad you will be getting the "heck out of Dodge" as we say here.
Big hug and don't beat yourself up too much.
At this point in my own recovery, I would have caved too. Leaving the country is a great idea. I went from the US to South America as I knew I would have given in to the least temptation. So glad you will be getting the "heck out of Dodge" as we say here.
Big hug and don't beat yourself up too much.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Honestly I don't know why you even bother with contacting the brother about his "clothing and belongings". Then he will know you're not back in AUS for 3 more weeks and will work you some more. It's the games they play and as long as you're a willing participant, they will keep playing them.
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