Question?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Question?
I think I've seen on here that Al Anon suggests that people wait a year for someone to be in recovery before entering into a relationship. Is this true? Also, does this apply to folks like me who've been married for decades? Is my wife supposed to be uncommitted to us for a year too? this limbo has been pretty rough on all of us, including our kids. They're older but it has been a rough eight months.
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As far as I know it's not written down anywhere in AA or Alanon.
Nevertheless I think it's a good idea in general - I was a million different people my first 90 days sober, and I was a lot more together at the end of my first year than at the start.
Obviously if you come into recovery married or otherwise committed, noones going to suggest you or your partner leave your marriage purely on the basis of this suggestion.
That'd be silly
D
Nevertheless I think it's a good idea in general - I was a million different people my first 90 days sober, and I was a lot more together at the end of my first year than at the start.
Obviously if you come into recovery married or otherwise committed, noones going to suggest you or your partner leave your marriage purely on the basis of this suggestion.
That'd be silly
D
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the overarching "suggestion" is to not make any BIG decisions for the first year.....primarily with substance abuse recovery, due to the fact that recovery itself is hard enough and one is not really "themselves" yet.
that has morphed into other "recommendations" - no STARTING new relationships in the first year - which also helped to foster the term "13th stepping" when those who have been IN recovery for a while, seize upon the newcomer in a Svengali sort of way.
as it relates to already existing relationships, everything is going to be on it's ear when the addicted spouse quits. and it is best that each spouse find their own support for healing and growth. addiction IS a family disease and everyone suffers.
that has morphed into other "recommendations" - no STARTING new relationships in the first year - which also helped to foster the term "13th stepping" when those who have been IN recovery for a while, seize upon the newcomer in a Svengali sort of way.
as it relates to already existing relationships, everything is going to be on it's ear when the addicted spouse quits. and it is best that each spouse find their own support for healing and growth. addiction IS a family disease and everyone suffers.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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It's you that's the alcoholic, correct? Are you trying to figure out why your wife hasn't gone back to behaving as if nothing ever happened, or why she doesn't seem to be working hard to repair the relationship?
I don't know what went on during your drinking days, but it generally takes quite a while for a relationship to heal. It's not just a matter of your cleaning up your act (though it's a good first step). Some relationships are damaged beyond repair. She may not have figured out yet how to relate to the "new you," or she may be trying to figure out whether she even wants to remain in the relationship.
Keep concentrating on doing the next right thing, and things will become clearer for both of you with time.
I don't know what went on during your drinking days, but it generally takes quite a while for a relationship to heal. It's not just a matter of your cleaning up your act (though it's a good first step). Some relationships are damaged beyond repair. She may not have figured out yet how to relate to the "new you," or she may be trying to figure out whether she even wants to remain in the relationship.
Keep concentrating on doing the next right thing, and things will become clearer for both of you with time.
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Originally Posted by TobeC 
Thanks. It's been arollercaoster of one day she seems to love me and the next day she hates me. I'm focused on being the best version of me I can be. The limbo is tough.
A friend of mine who used to post on these boards would say 'my alcoholic doesn't get to set the timetable for regaining my trust or my forgiveness'.
It was a long haul for me too, but as time went on I saw more and more clearly the things I'd done to bring myself to the point of little trust or forgiveness.
Things got better in time - most people came to see that I'd really changed, I really wanted to stay sober, and I wasn't just going through the motions to get out of the doghouse.
I'm sure the same will happen for you too TobeC.
D
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I was what you would call a polished functional alcoholic. I had three stiff drinks every night and the went to bed. I was neglectful for sure. I wasn't abusive but she came to view my drinking as me having an affair with my girl vodka. I decided to break up with my girlfriend vodka but the damage was done. She got used to me checking out at night and now that I'm up and clear every night misses her alone time with the kids as an example. She doesn't consider us par teared as this point and I get it. She feels how she feels. I guess like anyone else, I'm looking for lit st the end of the tunnel. You guys do give great insight. I guess I'm being selfish and just want to move forward with her. It may never happen. I will have to live with my drinking ending a three decade relationship.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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tobe, she's loved you and hated you for a long time......now that you are sober and more present, you are just more "aware" of her mood shifts.
let her be her......learn to appreciate the "nice" her and the "fussy" her.....and learn to see how they both are a part of her......
just as she is getting to learn about you as a sober person. i am just gonna spitball here, but i guess you haven't been all Mary Poppins either?? you don't get a pass because you are no longer doing what you shouldn't have been doing in the first place! AA gives out chips and coins, but the world doesn't throw us a parade.
let her be her......learn to appreciate the "nice" her and the "fussy" her.....and learn to see how they both are a part of her......
just as she is getting to learn about you as a sober person. i am just gonna spitball here, but i guess you haven't been all Mary Poppins either?? you don't get a pass because you are no longer doing what you shouldn't have been doing in the first place! AA gives out chips and coins, but the world doesn't throw us a parade.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
tobe, she's loved you and hated you for a long time......now that you are sober and more present, you are just more "aware" of her mood shifts.
let her be her......learn to appreciate the "nice" her and the "fussy" her.....and learn to see how they both are a part of her......
just as she is getting to learn about you as a sober person. i am just gonna spitball here, but i guess you haven't been all Mary Poppins either?? you don't get a pass because you are no longer doing what you shouldn't have been doing in the first place! AA gives out chips and coins, but the world doesn't throw us a parade.
let her be her......learn to appreciate the "nice" her and the "fussy" her.....and learn to see how they both are a part of her......
just as she is getting to learn about you as a sober person. i am just gonna spitball here, but i guess you haven't been all Mary Poppins either?? you don't get a pass because you are no longer doing what you shouldn't have been doing in the first place! AA gives out chips and coins, but the world doesn't throw us a parade.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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TobeC. I do feel for ya. I've been in the doghouse and I've put my husband in the doghouse before. Only time will tell when you get out. I remember on time my husband was spending a bit too much time helping a female co-worker fix her truck....there was no drinking or drugs involved, but it surely didn't go unnoticed by me that he was doing that and I threw a fit about it and had to put my foot down....
So, he felt really bad and guilty and then went out and thought buying me a "present" would make it all better. He bought me a can of Giorgio perfumed POWDER!! Okay....that was WAY the wrong thing to do!! For one thing, I don't even LIKE Giorgio perfume for another I don't used perfumed POWDERS!! Boy did that touch the 'powder' off. I took that can and slammed it down on the kitchen counter really really hard and told him he could shove that can up you know where....I didn't want it!!
His eyes got really big like saucers and he said, "Okay....I'll take the powder and return it...."
You can imagine the scenario....
So, he felt really bad and guilty and then went out and thought buying me a "present" would make it all better. He bought me a can of Giorgio perfumed POWDER!! Okay....that was WAY the wrong thing to do!! For one thing, I don't even LIKE Giorgio perfume for another I don't used perfumed POWDERS!! Boy did that touch the 'powder' off. I took that can and slammed it down on the kitchen counter really really hard and told him he could shove that can up you know where....I didn't want it!!
His eyes got really big like saucers and he said, "Okay....I'll take the powder and return it...."
You can imagine the scenario....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
Thank you all for the guidance. It's really quite an experienced group here. I think my biggest hurdle is placing myself in her shoes and understanding my role in this whole situation. I know I was no walk in the park and often spend most of my time looking forward and not realizing that both of us are healing at our own pace. I'm deeply regretful of the hurt I caused. She is the daughter of an alcoholic father and has two sisters that are alcoholic. One in a recovery and the other who's simply chosen not to get help. I'm sure the last thing she wanted was to fall in love and have five kids with a drunk but life certainly is strange. I'm on a great path and feel like shouting from the rooftops about life on this side but have to remind myself that my addiction journey is my path to follow and the hurt I caused is very real. I have to stop feeling like I'm a brand new bicycle that not everyone is ready to hop on board and ride. Much love to you guys for the words. I know I can be a Polyanna at times and need a smack on the head for a reality check.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
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When my STBXAH was drinking, that basically left me alone, lonely and bored. I got physically fit, lost weight, developed some new interests and friendships that were rewarding for me. I have a good job with good people. In the interest of loyalty and maybe believing someday he would be back, I stayed until this year when some things happened that were over the top.
When I left, I held out a small hope that after a break we could reunite. He said he quit drinking but would not go to AA or throw out the liquor. HMMM... 80 % of alcoholics relapse- I thought to myself- how many more years am I going to stay on this merry-go-round?
IF I had stayed, I would have continued with the life and the activities I had developed. If he asked me to give them up to spend more time with him.... well That would be like asking me to throw a way a brand new car and maybe try to travel several miles on a busted bicycle. Really? When I am finally happy?
Probably part of the reason I left is I did get happy- I had a life- I no longer wanted to be treated poorly. My friends and my coworkers treat me like gold.
When I left, I held out a small hope that after a break we could reunite. He said he quit drinking but would not go to AA or throw out the liquor. HMMM... 80 % of alcoholics relapse- I thought to myself- how many more years am I going to stay on this merry-go-round?
IF I had stayed, I would have continued with the life and the activities I had developed. If he asked me to give them up to spend more time with him.... well That would be like asking me to throw a way a brand new car and maybe try to travel several miles on a busted bicycle. Really? When I am finally happy?
Probably part of the reason I left is I did get happy- I had a life- I no longer wanted to be treated poorly. My friends and my coworkers treat me like gold.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by qtpi
When my STBXAH was drinking, that basically left me alone, lonely and bored. I got physically fit, lost weight, developed some new interests and friendships that were rewarding for me. I have a good job with good people. In the interest of loyalty and maybe believing someday he would be back, I stayed until this year when some things happened that were over the top.
When I left, I held out a small hope that after a break we could reunite. He said he quit drinking but would not go to AA or throw out the liquor. HMMM... 80 % of alcoholics relapse- I thought to myself- how many more years am I going to stay on this merry-go-round?
IF I had stayed, I would have continued with the life and the activities I had developed. If he asked me to give them up to spend more time with him.... well That would be like asking me to throw a way a brand new car and maybe try to travel several miles on a busted bicycle. Really? When I am finally happy?
Probably part of the reason I left is I did get happy- I had a life- I no longer wanted to be treated poorly. My friends and my coworkers treat me like gold.
When I left, I held out a small hope that after a break we could reunite. He said he quit drinking but would not go to AA or throw out the liquor. HMMM... 80 % of alcoholics relapse- I thought to myself- how many more years am I going to stay on this merry-go-round?
IF I had stayed, I would have continued with the life and the activities I had developed. If he asked me to give them up to spend more time with him.... well That would be like asking me to throw a way a brand new car and maybe try to travel several miles on a busted bicycle. Really? When I am finally happy?
Probably part of the reason I left is I did get happy- I had a life- I no longer wanted to be treated poorly. My friends and my coworkers treat me like gold.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
My same experience except my husband became jealous and excused me of cheating , neglecting him etc. Only difference is he abandon me. I ask myself what does that say about me. Why was I not strong enough to walk out on him.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
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Originally Posted by TobeC
I was what you would call a polished functional alcoholic. I had three stiff drinks every night and the went to bed. I was neglectful for sure. I wasn't abusive but she came to view my drinking as me having an affair with my girl vodka. I decided to break up with my girlfriend vodka but the damage was done. She got used to me checking out at night and now that I'm up and clear every night misses her alone time with the kids as an example. She doesn't consider us par teared as this point and I get it. She feels how she feels. I guess like anyone else, I'm looking for lit st the end of the tunnel. You guys do give great insight. I guess I'm being selfish and just want to move forward with her. It may never happen. I will have to live with my drinking ending a three decade relationship.
So, from the opposite site of the fence i will tell you that its just as strange/ scary for the Non alcoholic side of the relationship. In my view i actually have no clue how i feel. i have been on my guard for that long that its feels bizarre to not be. Emotions are raw on both sides and normally up in the air.
my advice would be, NO PRESSURE. If you push her for answers to how she feels you will likely push her towards the door too. She has given you time and patience whilst you were drinking, now its your turn. I'm sorry to be so blunt but if you are like us, at the moment its one day at a time and see what happens.
Also so far as i know there is no end of the tunnel for being in recovery. It is a life choice you have to make every single day until you shuffle off this mortal coil. That will be one of the things playing with her mind. Are you fully committed or will you relapse today, tomorrow, next month or next year because that power is in your hands, not hers. She is as powerless now as she was before. All you can do is show her you are fully commited every single day.
Good luck fella
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
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I've just separated from my AH in the last few hours and sent him away for an unknown length of time to embark on his recovery - now I'm panicking that I have misunderstood all the advice and that because we were an existing relationship I should have stood by him while he got started?
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