SoloMio

I recall when my father (and mother) were drinking, my childhood home was just plain depressing. Dark, emotionally vacant is the best way I can describe it. We'd have a bowl of cereal for dinner. Dishes were piled high in the sink. We had no desire to run into each other in the hallways and we'd stay in rooms with doors shut or even locked. That memory is imprinted in my senses.

I haven't felt that way since... until now. I did everything I could to create a happy, welcoming home for my kids. Beautiful tree, lovely garlanded porch. Hand embroidered stockings.

But now, the house is stale.. from the copious alcoholic behavior on the part of AH and also, so sad to say, from DS. The two of them have been the drunk versions of Frick-and-Frack. Staying outside at the fire pit with strewn bottles. Loud nights playing sappy musicals. "Dark-siding" with philosophical bantering about the meaning of life that goes nowhere. No meals eaten--God forbid that a little protein and fat slows down the buzz!

My DD is coming back home tonight or tomorrow, and frankly, I don't want her to come back tonight. It is downright depressing.

I'm not requesting advice here, but I'd like to hear your thoughts on the "vibe" of your home--with alcoholism and without. Our environment is so key to our feelings of well-being. If you are still living with the A, how do you--or can you--whitewash that toxic vibe in the home?

thousandwords53

Vibe of the home:

Just the kids and I: We eat foods we like (things AH doesn't eat...he is picky), make art projects, get messy and play outside..go for walks. Watch movies and play and snuggle. Read books before bed- most days. Have somewhat of a bedtime routine etc. They enjoy helping with chores,for the most part....still kind of chaotic and haven't quite nailed down homework consistency - something I worry about. Regular little kid fights/Discipline issues. Nothing big or crazy happening.

AH added to the group: More black and white discipline , age inappropriate expectations as far as chores/behavioral things go. More tension. Less mess/free play...ummm...He sits mainly in his recliner half in / half out in a weird way...but has a lot of pull or influence in the mood of all involved. Bedtime routine feels rushed.
AH puts a high value on quality husband/wife time in the evenings...but on my end it is a lot of the same story repeated from the past few nights..some deep, meaning of life convos too..but I am there to listen not talk. If I do chime in, guaranteed the conversation will be redirected back to him. Pretty lonely even though he is right there. Some days are good...but can't count on it.



I feel like I am rambling now. Not sure if my input is what you were wanting to hear?

"I did everything I could to create a happy, welcoming home for my kids. Beautiful tree, lovely garlanded porch. Hand embroidered stockings. " This I can relate to, very much.

PhoenixJ

Prayers and support to you and your family.

carolineno

Thankfully, I have no "meaning of life" banter going on in my home. AH spends a fair amount of time alone, playing his music at whatever volume that suits him at the moment. I suppose I've learned to tune it out. When AH watches TV alone in another room, loud volume, it does create a toxic chill in the air.

But AH tends to stay away from us when he is using, which is most nights. In his own words about his frame of mind when he uses - "I don't really think about other people" so there you have it! He's not really a tinderbox or anything like that, we're just...forgotten. I am ashamed to admit that my children are probably used to him just occasionally haunting the family room now and then, gracing us with his presence.

So I guess the vibe is that of a haunted house

If I was to have guests it would be downright bizarre. I don't really have people over anymore. When I do, he pops out of his hiding spot heroically for 5 minutes and then we don't see him for hours. If I was at a friends house I would find this weird. But again, he doesn't really think about other people, so....

When I was younger, my Dad was always an alcoholic. Before my mom descended into her time with drinking too, she used to try. Some Saturday mornings she'd have calming music on the radio and potpourri simmering on the stove top, very nice. Things were clean. A-Dad was sleeping it off, so no chance of being raged at. One of the few times I recall the house feeling "home-y" - thank you for prompting that memory!

My FOO never had pictures of family on the walls, so I've made a point to have those in my home. I do continue with the music, and I love scented candles, although I have to be careful with them because my brain feels so frazzled living with an AH. I find mornings are the best vibe. If I was to have guests, I would try and spend most of the time at home in the morning. As the day marches on and the A's buzzes are pursued, I would take a trip into town, go to the movies, have coffee, the museum, any place to talk meaningfully and have fun. We are lucky in that we can just leave the house and go somewhere as we're in the city. Basically I wouldn't include AH in any plans. Too much chaos making, last minute cancellations, may or may not show up etc. Forget it.

I am sending strength to you and I hope you can have a tranquil time with your DD!

chicory

SoloMio,

It makes me sad to hear how it is for you, as I can surely relate. My childhood, too, was lonely, uninteresting, and I spent much time alone. I feel like I was an invisible child. When drunken episodes dominated, we kids went to bed early, and often heard many scary things. Afraid for our mom, and when dad passed out, we were happy. Many a holiday was ruined by his drunken state. One year, he threw our beautiful Easter eggs against the wall, during an argument with our mom.
Now, my son who I am pretty darned sure is an alcoholic, lives with me. I struggle at times, to enjoy my home, and holiday decorating. I am determined to not let him darken those days for me.
Last week, he was on a drunken trip... I didn't get to have my other children and grandchildren over to even see my pretty Christmas tree. I packed the gifts up and went to my daughters for the day. Told him I was going alone. He got the point, being left out of Christmas with the family for the first time. Probably not the last.
I am going to find my joy, even if some days are very dark, I won't let him ruin my happiness. Its not fair to me, or my other children and grandchildren.

its hard though. not without waves of sadness. We just do our best, and to remind myself that its a disease helps me to keep resentment at bay, somewhat.

sending a hug. I am sorry that alcohol hurts you and those you love, also.

chic

Kboys

For me, when my now separated AH was drinking, there was nothing I could do to whitewash the toxic vibe. I tried, but I was never able to detach enough to do that.
It was toxic. It was scary. I was jumpy, panicky, sad and crying and emotional and crazy sometimes. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. It was full of highs and lows.... Coming home after work and after picking up the kids from day care was always the worst. What to expect from him? He wasn't working then, and the house was dark, cold in the winter with no heat or fire going. Same dishes from last night in the sink. Him passed out on the couch, Things broken, bottles out.... or he'd be in a happy drunk mood... blasting music and cooking a steak.
That was probably worse than him passed out actually, becuase I knew it was only a matter of time before his happy flip switched... I would try to join in his jovial mood, to keep him happy, sometimes even joining him in a drink... but I felt like I had to be so careful not to say the wrong thing, or "ignore" him too much to take care of the kids... or whatever, for fear of setting him off and sending him into rage drunk mode... and he usually ended up there anyway, no matter what I did or didn't do...

My kids were still little then, and I tried as much as I could to keep them from seeing too much. I tried to carry on with our normal routines as much as possible, and leave the house when we could, but that was often difficult, as they were in the baby/toddler stages then.

Ugh...... I really don't like thinking about that.


Big hugs Solomio.

GreenEyes02

Is this an A thing? My exAbf was/is a rambler on the deep meanings of life, the universe and everything. To the point of obsession sometimes. I put that down to his being a Philosophy major (and maybe it is that as well) but it got more pronounced when he was drinking. It also got darker. I wasn't always involved in the conversation - sometimes (not always) he talked at me, not with me. If I brought up something important to me, often enough it would be redirected to his topic. I even asked him once if he would please ask me more about how I am doing with my running and healthy pursuits. We didn't live together, but were together most nights of the week. Generally speaking the vibe was good but sometimes I was anxious about a shoe dropping or a little disappointed about my words not being heard. Oh AND he was big on repeating the same thoughts and stories ad nauseum.

Contrast this to my homelife with my family - no anxiety, no stress, we hang out in the same room with each other talking/eating/reading/watching T.V./doing absolutely nothing together. I just spent 3 days with them doing just this. It is completely chill. It was eye opening for me to compare and contrast this family environment that I grew up in with the relationship with the ex (now that it is over and I can see it with new eyes).

I am learning so much about A relationships.

Maudcat

My alcoholic sib, lives with my mom, is a black hole of toxic. He 's either crabby and impatient because he's hungover, or he 's chipper because he's going out to his local bar, or he's so drunk that he makes no sense at all. I wish my mother would kick him out but...not happening. My other sib and I are waiting for the opportunity to get him out, either through illness, as has happened before, or declaring him a danger to everyone. He is crafty, though, like most drunks. He knows how far he can push.
When I was young, I remember giving my father a wide berth on weekends, when he would binge on beer and whiskey. I have no good memories of my father, alas.

olow

My xabf was the exact same way. I admit that I am one to peruse over the deeper meaning of things, but his ideas were, well, just WAY out there. Crazy enough that I remember his gestures and grandiose looks, but not a darn thing about what he was trying to say. I was also a listener. You hit the nail on the head. We were talked AT, not with. Repeats/reruns, yes, those too.

letitend

Vibe of new home now:
It is calm and relaxing. I actually love my home now that it is just my son and I. I moved into a new place to make a break from my xA. So the feeling of being here holds no bad memories. I have repositioned the 'chair' xA used to live and drink in by a window by the fireplace. It is in an area that doesn't get used often. All the old resentments and feelings of despair are gone. My room has turned into a personal space not a retreat from the underworld. I do not mind doing the household chores alone anymore, because I am carrying my own weight and not that of someone who chooses to be obscure to responsibilities.
Prior to the move, life in the home held this bitterness about the air. The tension was palpable. My son was being groomed to treat me with disregard, just as his father did. My home has never been disgusting but I felt defeated by keeping it clean alone. I would literally clean all weekend with minimal help. Some weekends, I would sit around in a daze feeling depressed about all I had done the weekend before. The xA was home most of the time and he let my kid and the neighbor kid destroy it too many times to count. I would find beer cand stashed in weird places which just left me feeling defeated. There were times in the earlier years when those cans were actually needles.
My physical health, inner/outer beauty were diminishing fast. I would shove my face full of sugar to make me feel good which just made me feel worse.
I barely had any patience to attend to my child in a reasonable calm way. I have never ever hit him, but I would find myself dismissing his questions, asking him to just be quiet, and expected him to understand my pain when in fact he could never have the comprehension to understand. Nor, should he be exposed and have to deal with the emotional umbrella of addiction that hung over our home.
As soom as I made the decision to get myself free, clear my head and accept that I am important to me, the feelings of sadness and despair began to lift. For all those struggljng with weight, I swear that stress makes a person retain weight. I cut out the sugar, started thinking positively and began enjoying and demanding (to myself) that I take a daily walk during my lunch hour. I have dropped 33 lbs since 9/1/16. I can wear almost all my old clothes that I bought when I lost weight the last time I left the xA. I am still 30 lbs from my goal weight but I feel in my heart the desire to keep my mind and body healthy for myself this time. I feel committed to life long recovery from co-dependence for myself and my so . I want to teach him to create a healthy mind/body connection and to show him love and respect both for others and self. His attitude toward me improves all the time. I can now demand that he respects me in a loving way.
The difference is truly day and night. I waffle on love/hate for the xA. I truly hope he embraces recovery some day and pray for him. I know his wounds run deep. But, Subjecting myself and son created such a dysfunctional home environment that it truly was detrimental to my health and my sons.

SoloMio

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. Things have settled down. Our last night with DS was a relatively sober one--he and AH and I watched Sully and all was quiet.

DS left for home yesterday, and AH is now in self-detox mode, meaning he sits like a statue in his chair watching TV 24/7, not eating anything, not talking. But that's better than the alternative.

DD came back from a visit with friends and brightened up the place. We made dinner and we each had project work to do, so we were "work buddies" in the afternoon.

Today will be utterly quiet. I don't have much work-work to do, and I have to run a couple of errands, but I look forward to these holidays being over, and that's the first time I've ever said that.

Thanks for sharing your images of a "clean" vs "toxic" home environment. Letitend, I love the images you gave me. Thousand words, yes that's exactly what I was looking for--environmental cues to mental dis-ease/alcoholic behavior. Interesting that others have experienced "dark-siding" with philosophical ramblings.

During one of these "deep thoughts" sessions DS was trying to engage me in this weekend, he asked me where I find happiness. I told him that I aspire to the happiness I had when my mother had the wisdom to place me in the care of my great-aunt every summer. My aunt had a summer cottage across the street from the beach, she was elderly but the classiest woman I ever knew who got up every morning and put on stockings, A-line print dress, earrings, pearls and lipstick. Didn't matter if anyone came to visit or not. She did it for herself. She fed me nutritious meals on Victorian china in a regular, predictable routine. She taught me how to sew on her old Featherweight. I had the luxury of spending the afternoons reading, swimming, creating, hanging with beach friends.

It was as serene as I think I could ever get on this earth. Oh, and there was absolutely no alcohol, ever.

I know I can't "go back home again" to that wonderful place, but I can try to bring those elements into my life today.

Maudcat

Love your description of your time with your great-aunt, SoloMio. You were fortunate to be with someone who consistently showed you how to be an adult. Bless her.

GreenEyes02

SoloMio I LOVE the description of your great aunt and your time with her. What a remarkable woman she sounds like. How lucky you are to have had her in your life.

WantTheGoodLife

The vibe of our home is like a roller-coaster.

When AB was still getting drunk, it was a chaotic home of not knowing which AB would be present that day...the mean one or the happy one. There was a lot of yelling, crying and frustration. I will forever regret that I brought that situation into my home with my children.

Now that he isn't getting blatantly drunk, much of the roller coaster is thankfully just between he and I...far less obvious to the children. He spends the majority of his days holed up in the bedroom either sleeping or playing video games, but when he is with the rest of us he is great - cooking, cleaning, interacting with the kids and myself in a very pleasant way. When it's just he and I, though, there is still a big tug of war going on that is very evident. If I try to discuss our problems, he becomes very argumentative and defensive. If I choose to detach, however, and focus on myself, he senses that and becomes overly attentive, needy, and loving.

DoubleDragons

Growing up in my dysfunctional household (not sure how much was personality disorder related and/or how much was alcohol influenced, while my family always were regular drinkers, my mom's hard core alcoholism wasn't evident to me until after I was grown and had left home) it was high highs and low lows, very few in between emotions/events. To this day, I think I find the even keel very un-nerving, as much as I crave it. A peaceful, accepting, calm environment for my children was a HUGE priority for me and for my husband (also a child of alcholics). My sister-in-law described her childhood like this to me once: Most children have mostly good times with a few bad times sprinkled in. We had the opposite, mostly bad times with a few good times sprinkled in.

EnterSandman

Our house vibe at the moment is STRESSFUL and a bit awkward.

AW is worrying constantly that our marriage may be over as i am feeling quiet/ withdrawn at the minute, this is defense mechanism for me not getting hurt again. she want to know how i feel but I don't have a clue how i am feeling, other that confused.

i have some trepidation about our future with all her efforts from now on going into meetings, always having to study the big book, follow her steps and all along i feel i am waiting for the day that it all comes crashing down, she has quit many times before (on own and AA). I know this is a negative mindset that i have but i can only work from previous experiences. Is she going to break today, tomorrow, next month, next year, 10 years time? or remain sober for the rest of her life. i have absolutely no clue.

I know AA teaches A`s to take 1 day at a time but the uncertainty is very stressful on everyone other than the A,they know what they will or will not do but everyone has to cross their fingers and just wait and see.

Tryingin2016

I can relate with everyone. Before AH had a drinking problem the home felt comfortable, loving, a place to come to.

When AH's drinking got out of control it was a house I hated to come to. It had a bad vibe, it felt wrong, I took no pride in caring for it, and unfortunately when the younger children grew up they didn't want to be here.

Now that AH is out of the house (he has been out for about 5 weeks) things feel different. The kids for the first time have had friends over, I have scrubbed the house from top to bottom and it is a beautiful home to come home to. The stress is gone and I am almost starting to relax.

I am just so mad at myself for allowing the younger children to grow up almost their whole lives with a AF. They are now teens & almost ready to move on to college. It wasn't all bad but the last 10 years have progressively gotten worse. With the last 4 years pretty bad. And 2016 being unbearable.

Gumball

When i was living with AH, he would leave dishes out. Beer cans everywhere for me to pick up, be up at all hours and loud, wouldn't eat until he was done and ready for bed, would order food on a whim, would cook food that I had a plan for but not eat it. Majority of the time he would hog the television in the living area and request quiet while he drank. All he did when he was home. The vibe in the home was all about him and walking on eggshells. He would fall asleep wherever and rather than wake him, tiptoe around him. he wanted my constant attention (because he was inebriated) and would turn into another child. He would get upset if the focus wasn't on him. Didn't agree with him or do what he wanted. I wouldn't say he gave off a depressing vibe in the home just a chaotic one but since then ...there's structure, can have people over, the house looks better, I get more sleep and the eggshells have been swept away.

Mango212

Thank you for this thread. It may be old, yet it's speaking volumes to me now.

I left home (again) with kid and have been in No Contact with my husband for just over 5 weeks now. Looking forward. Making new plans for a life filled with amazing, new and healthy things.

Mango212

Vibes in the home we're currently in is warm, welcoming, relaxed, peaceful, joyful and safe.

It's good to put words to this and give it acknowledgement!