hearthealth

So a thank you card came in the mail and it was addressed to husband and children in large cursive. I had an emotional meltdown and called MIL. I actually stayed very calm and polite. She was putting all the blame on me for her treatment of me. She can throw the past in my face but when I stand up to my truth then I'm reverting to the old way. She states I'm reverting to old ways and all progress will be stopped because of me. All I did was stand myself and inform her to stop living in denial. She will never see her son was the problem. I told her there were secrets I never told her about what was going on in the household. I can't make her see my truth. I didn't cause his anger hes reponsible for his action and I don't deserve any of this. It hurts when you know you don't deserve bad treatment but people won't see it from any other perspective.

AnvilheadII

where YOU have control is to NOT ENGAGE.

what did calling her DO? nothing, except give her more ear time to put you down.

you would have far better luck going out and finding a nice big tree and then commanding it to fly.

don't worry about other's denial, just focus on your own. live and let live.

atalose

I stopped explaining/defending myself to certain people when I realized people only understand from their level of perception. She is an enabler in denial, always was and probably always will be. YOU know that! It’s better to stop expecting anything different from her.

Maybe the focus should be inward in asking……….why is it so important to you for THIS WOMAN to see things from your point of view?

Maudcat

She sent a thank you card to your husband and children, leaving you out. She did this, knowing exactly what would happen, and it did. You calmly, politely freaked out, got into her wheelhouse, and gave her the opportunity--again--to tell you exactly what she thinks of you. Flip the script. What would have happened if you did not rise to the bait? She will never see your truth. Don't waste the energy, however tempting it is to engage.

dandylion

hearthealth...I get how rejecting this must feel, to you.....
I think this is j ust one of those "losing battles".......

Try to look at it this way---you have enough on your plate, already, and you don't have the energy to drive yourself "crazy" over her......

You may have to just totally detach from this lady......

Kboys

Ugh... I'm sorry HH.
I definitely understand MIL drama.
Mine has been quite pleasant to me the few times I have seen her this past year (including Christmas), but still, there is so much I wish I could say to her in regards to all the blame she put on me in the past.
I still feel like I NEED to make her understand and it is so upsetting to me that she just doesn't GET IT.... but I know I never will be able to make her see it from my perspective.
Her truth is her truth and mine is mine, but it's hard to let go and not engage...

Hang in there

hearthealth

Thank you everyone and for the question. In having a say I don't feel like a victim sealed in silence but I was shut down anyway. When I called to defend she controlled the conversation. Saying "whatever" is so hard sometime.

tomsteve

you don't feel like a victim, but isn't defending something victims do?

hearthealth

Thank you, I've never looked at it from that perspective. I guess that would go with all of JADE.

Maudcat

Believe me, hearthealth, I understand. I went off on my alcohol dependent sib today. He was drunk and being a d**k. I forgot the first rule: never argue with a drunk. He will never understand my anger. And talk about wasted energy! I really need to take my own advice. Sigh. Peace.

PuzzledHeart

With my sister, I've been doing a lot of "Forgive her, for she knows not what she does" lately. You may want to do the same for your MIL.

Also, it might be hard for your MIL to admit that her son is at fault because she's the one who raised him. When you blame him, she may feel that you're indirectly blaming her and can't take the criticism. It's easier for her to blame you than to blame him, because it requires introspection that she cannot muster up at the moment.

You also have NO idea what he's said to your MIL. My sister accused her ex-husband of having an emotional affair with her best friend when she was caught having an affair with her still current pothead boyfriend. She also told us that her ex-husband was into threesomes and open marriage. She figured that we would be too embarrassed to bring this up with him. I took her side in the beginning, and it was only when my parents got cancer I got to see her compulsive lying up close and personal. It got so bad I decided to go limited contact with her. There simply wasn't a point in expecting her to act otherwise - it just led to disappointment.

The truth will be revealed for your MIL, but it won't be on your timeline. So in the interim, all you can do is deal with your side of the fence. So don't expect her to be anybody else but who she is.

And the next time she pulls a passive-aggressive stunt like that, you don't have to be her puppet. Just cut the strings and let her go.

hearthealth

Progress not perfection.

AnvilheadII

one of the first times i attempted to employ boundaries with hank - he was in the midst of a pub crawl from a town a good 40 miles NORTH of home, with the guys from work, and taking $100 out of the ATM at a whack. he was also trying to get some coke.

to say i didn't get it right would be an understatement. basically the entire NEIGHBORHOOD learned about boundary setting that night!!! or shall i say how NOT to set boundaries!

i gotta say tho, i am pretty dang fierce when i wanna be!!!

progress not perfection indeed!

teatreeoil007

HH-Just between us, she sounds like an old bitty....(did I 'say' that?!).



Ok-so know who/what you're dealing with. It doesn't matter what she 'thinks' of you.

What matters more is what you think of yourself. Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? Perhaps you most likely do. What is going to bring you happiness and peace? In some cases it is simply to walk away from an argument in which you end up feeling put down and RESOLVING not to engage.

Stay strong. Sometimes it may feel as if you have to literally TRAIN people how to treat you and how NOT to treat you.

There is nothing wrong with walking away....

hearthealth

I hate myself. My children will hear me saying how stupid I am. I'm sure it's in part living in an emotionally abusive household. I have such a different view of myself when he is out of town for work.
The problem is I see it but I can't walk. Probably because its not as bad as it was two years ago. It doesn't make it right but I haven't hit bottom yet this time around. I'm just not happy with this relationship but I don't walk or run and I don't set any boundaries. I've been trained by him but because of fear or his refusal to care. I never could train him. I don't think there is any training him. He will never see his impact on anything negative.

teatreeoil007

I'm sorry to hear that you hate yourself. Surely there is something about yourself you can find that you like. Surely you have redeeming qualities. It sounds like your self esteem has been beaten down. Sending you a hug.

hearthealth

Now that I vented maybe my rock bottom is not what he does. Maybe rock bottom is the feeling I am getting out of this relationship. A feeling that is not changing, ending or improving. It's in a state of yuck.

AnvilheadII

it comes from handing over our self-worth to someone else. so that only THEIR opinion of us matters. and we set about doing everything we can to please them, so they will love us.

we have a great thread here "somewhere" about the intermittent chicken. when we are in abusive relationships, there ARE moments when the abusive partner IS attentive.....and we crave that. but it is short-lived - just like a hit of crack. and man do we chase that high.

but that chase is fruitless......it will never be as good as those first few hits. NOTHING. EVER. but we chase and we chase, and we hope maybe THIS time it will be like it was. maybe THIS time we'll get that perfect protective bubble of drug-induced "peace".

instead we get less and less, but want more and more. an insatiable craving. so that even if we do get a glimmer of what was, it's not enough. nothing will ever be enough. but we will "accept" all the bad stuff - the feeling of dread, of fear, with the unacknowledged truth that it never WILL BE.

and one day we SEE it for what it is. and we realize we have been Don Quixote, tilting at windmills and it is time to STOP. that is a really freeing moment.

Maudcat

Alcoholics are black holes of toxicity. Sadly, we get pulled into their stuff far more than we would like.

firebolt

Yeah - this is how it was for me. It wasn't some big awful thing he did - nothing out of the ordinary anyway lol. It was a combination of me knowing what I needed to do, and dealing with the impending death of my father. I decided I couldn't deal with that and XABFs crazy at the same time, and that was that.

Many people here say that they go out with a whisper. THey wake up, and they are done feeling the way they do. THAT is health!