Please help me advise my sister
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 3
Please help me advise my sister
My 50 year old sister's husband's drinking has progressively worsened over recent years to the extend he has become an obvious alcoholic.
He ruins all family occasions & by the end of the evening becomes a noisy embarassing mess.
My sister has two teenage daughters and his behaivour is driving a wedge between them and their father.
Whilst never actually vioent his behaivour is developing an increasingly aggressive tone.
To make matters worse for the past 2 years he has been taking taking strong prescription pain killers & morphine for a back problem. Combined with the alcohol ( & snuff tobacco) the cocktail is enough to knock out a rhino.
Over the past year he has also had major open heart surgery & is taking all sorts of additional drugs including blood thinners & warfrin.
Over recent years My sister has been adopting a softly softly approach and to some extent has stuck her head in the sand hoping it will go away.
However following incidents over Christmas she now recognises she needs to act - but has said she has no idea exactly what to do.
Needless to say he is in denial that he even has a problem never mind contemplating any self help groups.
Positively, their mortgage will be paid off within a year so she would always have a roof over. Negatively, he is entirely self employed & all income would immediately dry up if he fell off the rails.
Things are coming to a head as it is clearly starting to impact her marriage as well as family life.
Whilst I could NEVER suggest to my sister , IMO the only way to get him to start taking his problem seriously would be for him to move out.
I would like to provide my sister with some ideas to help her to start thinking about how to address the problem, not only to try to help him recover but also to help her and her family.Also so she can start thinking of her own legal rights should the worst come to the worst.
My sister lives in UK.
The purpose of this note us to ask if anyone could advise me of any self help, councilling or advisory centres, to help her start thinking about how to start adressung the various elements of her growing problem ?
Sorry for the long email & any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
He ruins all family occasions & by the end of the evening becomes a noisy embarassing mess.
My sister has two teenage daughters and his behaivour is driving a wedge between them and their father.
Whilst never actually vioent his behaivour is developing an increasingly aggressive tone.
To make matters worse for the past 2 years he has been taking taking strong prescription pain killers & morphine for a back problem. Combined with the alcohol ( & snuff tobacco) the cocktail is enough to knock out a rhino.
Over the past year he has also had major open heart surgery & is taking all sorts of additional drugs including blood thinners & warfrin.
Over recent years My sister has been adopting a softly softly approach and to some extent has stuck her head in the sand hoping it will go away.
However following incidents over Christmas she now recognises she needs to act - but has said she has no idea exactly what to do.
Needless to say he is in denial that he even has a problem never mind contemplating any self help groups.
Positively, their mortgage will be paid off within a year so she would always have a roof over. Negatively, he is entirely self employed & all income would immediately dry up if he fell off the rails.
Things are coming to a head as it is clearly starting to impact her marriage as well as family life.
Whilst I could NEVER suggest to my sister , IMO the only way to get him to start taking his problem seriously would be for him to move out.
I would like to provide my sister with some ideas to help her to start thinking about how to address the problem, not only to try to help him recover but also to help her and her family.Also so she can start thinking of her own legal rights should the worst come to the worst.
My sister lives in UK.
The purpose of this note us to ask if anyone could advise me of any self help, councilling or advisory centres, to help her start thinking about how to start adressung the various elements of her growing problem ?
Sorry for the long email & any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Last edited by borischelski; 12-28-2016 at 11:02 AM. Reason: Residence
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Alanon and counseling would be very good support for her - and Alateen for the kids. I can't imagine the impact on those poor girls 
You can always let your sister know that you and or your home is always open to her and the girls should they need some space.
Hang in there - and prayers for her family.
You can always let your sister know that you and or your home is always open to her and the girls should they need some space.
Hang in there - and prayers for her family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us.
Alanon might be a good place for her to go to. At the end of the day, she can't make him do anything he doesn't want to as far as what he takes or drinks or doesn't. But, she can make sure that she is supported, that she is well informed, learn to set heathy bohndaries, and ensure that she has a non-judgemental and anonymous support network that when can rely on. Alanon could tick all those boxes. It is worldwide and it is free. You can look up contacts for meetings near you online and go along to the next one with no waiting or pressure to return if it isn't helpful.
Alanon might be a good place for her to go to. At the end of the day, she can't make him do anything he doesn't want to as far as what he takes or drinks or doesn't. But, she can make sure that she is supported, that she is well informed, learn to set heathy bohndaries, and ensure that she has a non-judgemental and anonymous support network that when can rely on. Alanon could tick all those boxes. It is worldwide and it is free. You can look up contacts for meetings near you online and go along to the next one with no waiting or pressure to return if it isn't helpful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Al-anon would be a good start for her. Check into meetings in her area and possible suggest going with her. Feeling alone and isolated and drowning in someone else's drinking is not a good place to be. She needs your positive support right now. Positive support is being a good listener and only offering input if asked. She’s scared and fearful of her own future which hangs on the decisions made by an alcoholic. Not a good place to be but one she has become uncomfortably comfortable with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 3
Re Please help me to help my sister
Dear Friends
Thanks for all your kind feedback.
I do like the idea of accompanying my sister to an Alanon meeting. A quick question if may - would it be ok for us both to pitch up, without any prior notification & without the "alcoholic" ?
Thanks for all your kind feedback.
I do like the idea of accompanying my sister to an Alanon meeting. A quick question if may - would it be ok for us both to pitch up, without any prior notification & without the "alcoholic" ?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by borischelski 
Dear Friends
Thanks for all your kind feedback.
I do like the idea of accompanying my sister to an Alanon meeting. A quick question if may - would it be ok for us both to pitch up, without any prior notification & without the "alcoholic" ?
Thanks for all your kind feedback.
I do like the idea of accompanying my sister to an Alanon meeting. A quick question if may - would it be ok for us both to pitch up, without any prior notification & without the "alcoholic" ?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just to be clear, Al-Anon is for the family member/friend, NOT for the alcoholic. And it isn't a program to teach anyone how to get the alcoholic sober (there's no such thing--alcoholics get sober when they are good and ready, if that ever happens). It is to help make HER life better so it isn't destroyed by someone else's choices.
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