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Nervous about today

Old 12-28-2016, 04:11 AM
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Nervous about today

I easily made it through Christmas with only a few moments of temptation but I am really nervous about today. I am headed to my father's house for our gift exchange/Christmas with him, my step-mom and her daughter and family. My step-mom and I have a tense relationship. It is always polite, but the tension is palpable. Several years ago during a visit to the US I was staying with them with my young children and their father and she kicked us out of the house. We had to get a hotel- we chose to move to another city altogether just to get away from it all I was so distressed. Anyway, today we are headed there. It is going to be an open house type event with a buffet and drinks EVERYWHERE. Lots of neighbours and friends that I will have to greet and make awkward conversation with. They are both big time drinkers. I wouldn't call them alcoholics, but they drink a lot. She likes bourbon, my dad has a huge (actually really cool, 40's style) liquor cabinet, filed with everything imaginable. He loves fine wine and surely will have open many great bottles. But these people stress me out. I do not feel relaxed there at all.
They do weird things like send out long, expensive, unrequested wish lists for gifts before the holidays. I can't afford a lot of the things they want so I always feel like an ass and like my gift is not good enough. When they ask me what I want it makes me feel uncomfortable and annoyed. I tell them I just want to see them and they can just get something small for the kids and that is enough. But they always buy gifts, sometimes many of them and sometimes expensive. So then when i give what I can I feel like they are disappointed. Which makes me angry in addition to feeling less-than and annoyed. I am their child, shouldn't they just be happy to SEE me instead of being worried about gifts/stuff/material items? Like, come onnnnnnnnn.
I am going to try to minimise my time there. I have a two hour drive to get there, so won't arrive until about lunchtime, then I hope to leave early evening. But this might be the only time I see them during our visit to the US so I feel obligated to at least stay for several hours.
I haven't been taking any alcoholism related medication recently as I feel good. But last night I took an antabuse and will take another today just to add some insurance for this stressful visit.
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Old 12-28-2016, 04:21 AM
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M-stress stuff. Do you have an exit route to a safe place ? A 'plan B?' Remember to take deep breaths and not to get sucked into alcohol fuelled family/friends politics. After all- most of them you will probably see only for a short time? Keep posting and focus on the not drinking bit. People watch and see how they change with time/booze. Expensive or cheap- booze still affects people in the same way. Support/prayers.
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Old 12-28-2016, 04:34 AM
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God, aren't the holidays wonderful?!

I sympathize with your plight! So, coping strategies . . .

1. Take along something you particularly like to drink to help you avoid any alcohol?
2. Multiple brief outdoor escapes to breathe and destress?
3. A mantra to say to yourself for strength and calm?
4. A mental database of several things you find hilarious -- scenes from a sitcom or movie, jokes, anything you can think about to make you giggle inwardly and momentarily break any tension. Picture everyone naked?
5. Inspirational quotes to say to yourself? One I love is Julian of Norwich's "…All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well"

Just some thoughts. Remind yourself that it's only a few hours, and even though it's hard, discomfort won't kill you. You can do it!!
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Old 12-28-2016, 05:14 AM
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Giving and receiving gifts is often much more complicated than exchanging items from Amazon's Deal of the Day. The meaning we ascribe to both the exchange and the gifts themselves makes the difference. The "who" and the "what" of this ritual usually come into play, as your comments suggest. Sit-coms have lived off of these interactions for decades.

"She must like him a lot more than me. He gets an iPhone and I get a potato." Even receiving a "nice" gift can be stressful for many people, reminding us of we don't have, and implicitly acknowledging that other people know this as well, for example. There's also the matter of not feeling worthy, for some people, or feeling entitled to be given something more or better for others. The problem of giving a gift as a kind of bribe sometimes comes into play, and is particularly troublesome when the receiver knows that this is what's going on. "I do something for you, and you do something for me." Or giving a gift in place of loving kindness or genuine affection. There are so many different scenarios that it would take us a very long time to list them.

As for the rest of it, I agree with those who've recommended that you have a workable plan going in and that you stick with it. We cannot account for every variable in advance of any emotionall-charged situation, but it's always much better to be prepared for predictable circumstances than otherwise.

By itself, knowing never prevented anyone from picking up a drink. I know you know this, but no matter what happens or what you're feeling at any given moment, the worst thing that you can do is to drink it all away.
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Old 12-28-2016, 05:18 AM
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Wow. See if you can hit them up for a huge donation to your refugee project...and all the guests, too.

Making them uncomfortable first but for a good cause...I like it, but I'm evil that way.

Take your phone and check in here? You got this.
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Old 12-28-2016, 05:20 AM
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Hey, Meraviglioso. Your parents' preoccupation with "stuff" is their deal, not yours. You don't have to be pulled into that orbit. Just bring yourself, a small gift, and a willing spirit. The really, really nice thing about family visits is they are in the rear view mirror before you know it.
Don't drink. I know you don't plan to, but definitely don't. Remember to breathe. If they have a dog, walk it, or just go out onto the deck/porch/patio for some fresh air from time to time. It is amazing what a little breather from the claustrophobic tension of family gatherings brings. Are there any friends or neighbors there with whom you feel simpatico? Chat with them. Good luck. Let us know how it went.
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Old 12-28-2016, 05:23 AM
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Gah. Sounds like my head when I'm feeling rattley.

When I get like that I quickly check my HALT triggers , just in case I forgot to eat or something silly like that (often it is the case, and a jacket potatoes with beans and cheese is all that is needed to help me get more clarity).

If all is well HALT wise, then I spend a little time in meditation / reflection and prayer using a prayer for humility. It lists all the things that kinda set my fear and ego up for a high-dive. It usually helps me suss out exactly where my niggles really are, and then I can go about setting ny crazy head back onto sane. Might be worth having a look at it...

Humility Prayer.

God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the DESIRE of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, closed though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness. Help me to recognise my inner brat and not act on its whims.


And don't be scared of laying it down the line with regards to how long you're staying. If yiu need a people break, then take one. Feeling a little tired (of everyone) and needing some fresh air is enough of a reason for anyone. A walk and some time out makes most situations more bearable.

You have a clear idea of what they are like. Just accept that's how they are - acceptance isn't about giving your approval, and keep your expectations low. If that's what they've always been like, it's pointless getting cranky or taking it personally if they're still like it this time. It's just them. And that is not a reflection on you, or your choices, or your finances. It's just how it is, and how they are. Once we stop taking other people's stuff personally it's much easier to find that all-important acceptance.

Drive safe lovely lady xx
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Old 12-28-2016, 06:39 AM
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Oh geez. Family. So many weird dynamics. All the 'logic' seems to go out the window, I get that.

The gift giving: If you're too old to sit on Santa's lap, you're too old to send out, or request, any gifts. Good lord. But I do understand why you feel the way you do. Its a lose lose. I guess have the kids make them something next time. Truly, that's priceless....if they're able to see that. Otherwise, try to detach.

She kicked you guys out? That must have been a doosie. Obviously now isn't the time, but I'm guessing there are two sides to this coin. If it hasn't already been done, maybe a review of your side of this, and a followup amends, is in order? Only reason I say this is it might help you in the long run. Sometimes cleaning up my messes helps me detach, lose the guilt.

Its only a few hours. Hang in there.
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Old 12-28-2016, 08:15 AM
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You dont have to go at all.

Avoid the whole thing by just not going. You are allowed to change your mind.

You are allowed to not be in any situation that you feel could jeopardize your peace, serenity or possibly your sobriety.

Come up with an excuse and pass on the whole gig.
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Old 12-28-2016, 09:52 AM
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Mera, I don't have anything useful to add, other than definitely bring your own beverage, and have an exit plan.
Stay close to SR. This helped me immensely in a recent difficult situation where I was the butt of cruel jokes because I don't drink.
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Old 12-28-2016, 09:57 AM
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Addressing the gift giving, my wife's large family does one via a Secret Santa regimen and there is a monetary limit that everyone is comfortable with. One person is the coordinator and everyone puts in their requests and givers and recipients are randomly matched. Is it possible to suggest such an arrangement?
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Old 12-28-2016, 12:11 PM
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definitely have a time limit and if 30 minutes is all you can do, so be it.
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Old 12-28-2016, 12:27 PM
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Oh gosh, I feel for you. Don't worry about their opinion of your gift. Sounds like you could just buy them booze and they'd be happy. I think your plan is a good one -- come by around lunch, leave before dinner. You don't have to stay long. Not sure where your dad is but if it's not too cold outside, go for a walk with your kids or something. There has to be someone else there who doesn't drink -- find a kindred soul! Or just leave if it gets too much. Maybe you can meet your dad for lunch or something (with no stepmom) before you leave. Good luck.
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Old 12-28-2016, 01:28 PM
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Let us know how you make it through this afterwards. In a way, it's good there are going to be other people to chat with to take the pressure off the concentrated talking to the one(s) that stress you out the most. Hope you're enjoying your holiday otherwise!
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Old 12-28-2016, 01:36 PM
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Maybe you could get through it by thinking how you could use it as material for a short story. Now... is it going to be comedy, family drama, or good old murder mystery ....
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Old 12-28-2016, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
Maybe you could get through it by thinking how you could use it as material for a short story. Now... is it going to be comedy, family drama, or good old murder mystery ....
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Old 12-28-2016, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
Maybe you could get through it by thinking how you could use it as material for a short story. Now... is it going to be comedy, family drama, or good old murder mystery ....
This is pretty much my plan for getting through my family get-together on Friday lunchtime. I suspect it will be a satire, but I'm just going to take a back seat and keep my beak out of the drama and wait to see what unfolds.
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Old 12-28-2016, 03:29 PM
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Mera - I hope the stressful visit is going ok. I think it was very kind of you to forgive what's happened in the past. Hopefully, they will appreciate your willingness to be there and rise above the troubles. Thinking of you.
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Old 12-28-2016, 03:41 PM
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Mera, darl - I second any / all of what others have said.

And a little one of my own: from what I understand of you, you're perhaps a bit like me - in that you can sort of 'feel' the emotional currents swirling around in that kind of situation. Some schools of thought even call it emotional triggers - which can be overwhelming for anyone, not just those trying to stay sober. You probably know already that these triggers can manifest first in the body - the thoughts 'about' what's going on come a bit later. They can be quite primal, in a sense, hence so hard to catch straight away.

I think that's why most suggestions involve you literally moving away, physically - taking time to identify feelings in the belly, throat, etc etc and practice your breathing or whatever other self-soothing / centring techniques will help bring you back to a place where you can actually do the mental detaching.

Probably sounds a bit garbled, but I suspect you know what I'm trying to describe.

thinking of you, luv
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Old 12-28-2016, 03:45 PM
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It went ok. I had plenty of water and a ginger beer I brought with me. One guy was pretty pushy about me and my boyfriend trying the Virginia wine he brought. I just said "oh ok" and ignored him, walking away through the crowd to the other room. I didn't feel like discussing my drink choices with him. They seemed pleased with their gifts and respected my request to not go overboard for gifts for us. I'm glad to be at my best friend's house now though. We just ordered take out sushi and are chatting up a storm!
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