Beryelle

So I just received a text from my husband that he has been drinking and will be "home soon. " This is a relapse after only 2 weeks. (He has relapsed many times - a year, a few weeks, a few days...) I know that anger is fruitless and helps no one. I try to be supportive and non judgmental. But there's a fine line between support and enabling. I'm wondering how to respond when he gets home. He will be drunk of course. I want to contain my frustration but I don't want to pretend either.

amy55

Hi Beryelle,

Welcome to SR. You can talk to us anytime on here.

Can I ask if his disposition changes when he is drinking? Do you feel afraid?
Do you have children at home?

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

Beryelle

No kids. Not afraid. Just sad, frustrated. He becomes touchy and grumpy and irrational. Plus I'm sure he is ashamed. Thank you for responding. I feel a bit lost tonight.

amy55

You're here now with friends. Many people to talk to. I can understand your frustration. How is he when he is drunk? You use the words grumpy and irrational. I hope you don't mind me asking. I know when I first started looking for help and support, I know that I was evading a lot of things. Once I felt comfortable, I was able to talk about a lot more.

But, no worry, try to ease yourself into this place, read the stickies on top, and just know you really did find a lot of people here that you can talk to.

amy

Beryelle

He is a thinking person and that's why I don't give up on him. He becomes so self-loathing when he drinks, and tons of anxiety. When he's sober he feels so much better and even says so - but self-sabotage is his patterning. For years. A smart successful professor and artist who just can't love himself. Doesn't have health insurance so he avoids getting a therapist.

amy55

OK. I'm reading everything that you are writing. I guess what I am seeing is that you probably need to be so supportive to him because of this, but I am not seeing what you are getting from him. Can you think about that? You don't ever really have to answer that here, it's just something that you might want to think about.

amy55

You know, I'll talk to you as long as you need to talk. I've been there, and so many times there was no one to talk to, or I felt there was no one to talk to. I really do believe that sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Things bother us, and we feel we can deal with it by ourselves, things get worse, we start to feel like we were so stupid to get ourselves in the position that we are in, and then, we begin to isolate ourselves from the world.

I am really glad that you reached out tonight.

amy

PhoenixJ

Stay safe. Prayers to you and your family.

Seren

Hello Beryelle,

By now your husband has returned home...and I'm sorry for what your night has been.

I understand the resentment. I think we all do. Detachment is sort of a learned skill--it takes practice. Perhaps if and when this happens again, just realize you don't need to be all lovey dovey if you don't feel it. Just don't blast him with both barrels as he comes in the door. Maybe continue your evening doing what you like to do so that his drinking won't disrupt the whole night?

Wishing you strength and clarity!

Maudcat

Hi, Beryelle. Welcome. Have you checked out support groups like Al-Anon? Could be a great help to you. We can't control anothers' behavior, but we can control how we respond to it. Peace.

knowthetriggers

At times like this I would be silent, not to punish my AH but because I really couldn't find any words at that moment. This gave me time to "THINK" before I spoke.

Wishing you courage through this difficult time.
Hugs
KTT

hope778

I agree with Seren - continue doing what you were doing during the night, even if it was sleeping! Do not allow his drunkenness to deter your night. This does lead to detachment which, in turn, can lead to clearer thinking and decision making in regards to your situation as a whole. At least for me, that is how it worked. Once I was able to detach I was allowed more room to think (since I wasn't worried about reacting all the time). I have a much better handle on things now. I'm not perfect, and neither is my relationship with RAH, but we are still together.

I wish you well. Keep coming back!!

CaptainM

Just reaching out to say hi, Beryelle. Sounds like we're in a similar boat (married, no kids). I'll tell you what I wish I had known a few months ago (you're already ahead of me!)
- Keep coming back to this site - SR has so many wonderful resources. People and posts and advice and more.
- Al-Anon. The first meeting I went to I dragged my feet going, but it was one of the greatest things I've done for myself I also enjoyed trying out a few different meetings (locations, times) because each one has a different vibe. And trust me, they're a very welcoming bunch!
- Al-Anon literature. Amazon.com has most of their books and they're so enlightening! I had my head in the sand about what alcoholism really is, and when I also started to learn more about it, my eyes opened up.
- Focus on you. Perhaps declare January "Beryelle Month" - do what you want to do and try some self care! (Exercise, eat well, drink water, sleep, watch or read what you want, and more!). I did this in August and it was a life changing month.

Wishing you the best ((((hugs)))) !

Carol Star

Boundaries are for "us." Anything that will keep you up at night worrying- you need to set a boundary. Alanon is the program for families- to learn to take care of yourself- he has to help himself.

Beryelle

Thank you everyone. He made it through the day today sober. One day at a time...and, I checked out an Al anon meeting for the first time.

honeypig

I'm glad to hear you got to Alanon. For me, SR and Alanon worked together very well--I felt each had its strong points, and between the two, I learned a lot.

Glad to see you've come back to post again, and I hope you keep doing so.

Hope your day today is a little bit better.

teatreeoil007

Yes, detach, detach, detach. The skill of detachment is very valuable. I grew up in a household in which my mother would become very upset when my dad drank and it led to some very nasty and scary fights that terrified me as a child....I seriously wish she would have not laid into him when he drank. It would have made things much more peaceful for us kids. We absolutely HATED it when she would start in on him and she just kept pestering him and wouldn't stop until it became an ugly fight. She picked the fights with him. It didn't do any good whatsoever.