I think my dad wants everyone in his family to be in AA. It disgusts me.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 31
I think my dad wants everyone in his family to be in AA. It disgusts me.
My dad is an alcoholic. My mom is schizophrenic. My dad left us (me, my mom, and my sister) when I was about four to go have an affair with another woman, sometimes leaving us to go hungry for days on end. The rest of my childhood was tumultuous with him being in and out of the picture, and me and my sister were in foster care by age ten. We went through several homes, getting kicked out of them because of my mom stalking us, along with the ideas me and my sister held from the years of her brainwashing us to hate our family.
It is about to be 2017. I got my first DUI a year and a half ago, and a couple months later my dad offered to move me in with him. The catch was that I had to go to AA and get sober. Period, point blank. He has been sober for going on four years now. My sister took care of me from ages 16-18 (after I was able to escape my emotionally abusive adopted parents' house), and I went to live with my schizophrenic mom and her bf, paying rent of about 400 a month for the next two years. Finally, when the DUI happened, he decided it was time to step in and push AA on me. I feel like AA has made my drinking worse. It makes me think about alcohol all the time, and with me and my dad going to meetings together, it makes it feel like a parental thing, where he is telling me what I can and can't do. I have been "relapsing" chronically for over a year because frankly, i just don't want to live the AA life. I got my second DUI shortly after moving in with him and am about to finish up the probation for it (which got dropped to reckless, THANK GOD) in a month or so.
Now I'm at a crossroads. He just got his dad's inheritance money, and is not working. He is planning on moving across the country in a couple of months, and has offered to take me with him if I will stay sober and go to AA. I'm 21 by the way. He said if I stay here he would pay my rent for a year after he leaves, but after that I'm on my own. I just don't think I want to do this program, especially with him involved. I feel like my drinking gets worse when I have to sneak around. I was just at dinner the other night and asked myself "Why the hell can't I just order a cocktail with my family like a normal person" without my dad pushing his AA ideology on me.
Finally, we just finished Christmas, and he told me how concerned he is about my sister's drinking. He is pretty much convinced that she is going to end up in AA. He even was telling me how he is thinking about talking to her about it. She has a great job, a wonderful boyfriend, a fulfilling life, and a nice car. Yes, she drinks a lot, but rarely drives drunk anymore, and usually picks uber or something instead. Just because someone drinks a lot doesn't mean they need to be pushed into AA. My sister didn't even do anything out of character during christmas, other than having 3 glasses of wine at dinner (OH MY GOD, alcoholic alert!!). But he has it in his mind, and since he follows the disease theory of alcoholism, and refuses to accept that our extremely hard childhood could have caused me and her to drink more than normal, so he's pretty sure that she has a problem.
I just think about it. We have a small immediate family that speaks to each other, just me, my sister, and him. And really, wouldn't that just be his dream? To see his daughter and his son both in AA with him, so that he wouldn't be the odd one out, and the only one not allowed to drink at dinner. Wouldn't he relish in the idea of us all three going out for a nice dinner and having a coffee and a club soda because we're all "in the program". To me, I'm starting to question his motives, and I'm thinking that he may just want to start this AA family so that he won't feel so bad about his neglect during our childhood. I think he has the wrong motives, and this is a messed up, very dysfunctional situation. Any thoughts?
It is about to be 2017. I got my first DUI a year and a half ago, and a couple months later my dad offered to move me in with him. The catch was that I had to go to AA and get sober. Period, point blank. He has been sober for going on four years now. My sister took care of me from ages 16-18 (after I was able to escape my emotionally abusive adopted parents' house), and I went to live with my schizophrenic mom and her bf, paying rent of about 400 a month for the next two years. Finally, when the DUI happened, he decided it was time to step in and push AA on me. I feel like AA has made my drinking worse. It makes me think about alcohol all the time, and with me and my dad going to meetings together, it makes it feel like a parental thing, where he is telling me what I can and can't do. I have been "relapsing" chronically for over a year because frankly, i just don't want to live the AA life. I got my second DUI shortly after moving in with him and am about to finish up the probation for it (which got dropped to reckless, THANK GOD) in a month or so.
Now I'm at a crossroads. He just got his dad's inheritance money, and is not working. He is planning on moving across the country in a couple of months, and has offered to take me with him if I will stay sober and go to AA. I'm 21 by the way. He said if I stay here he would pay my rent for a year after he leaves, but after that I'm on my own. I just don't think I want to do this program, especially with him involved. I feel like my drinking gets worse when I have to sneak around. I was just at dinner the other night and asked myself "Why the hell can't I just order a cocktail with my family like a normal person" without my dad pushing his AA ideology on me.
Finally, we just finished Christmas, and he told me how concerned he is about my sister's drinking. He is pretty much convinced that she is going to end up in AA. He even was telling me how he is thinking about talking to her about it. She has a great job, a wonderful boyfriend, a fulfilling life, and a nice car. Yes, she drinks a lot, but rarely drives drunk anymore, and usually picks uber or something instead. Just because someone drinks a lot doesn't mean they need to be pushed into AA. My sister didn't even do anything out of character during christmas, other than having 3 glasses of wine at dinner (OH MY GOD, alcoholic alert!!). But he has it in his mind, and since he follows the disease theory of alcoholism, and refuses to accept that our extremely hard childhood could have caused me and her to drink more than normal, so he's pretty sure that she has a problem.
I just think about it. We have a small immediate family that speaks to each other, just me, my sister, and him. And really, wouldn't that just be his dream? To see his daughter and his son both in AA with him, so that he wouldn't be the odd one out, and the only one not allowed to drink at dinner. Wouldn't he relish in the idea of us all three going out for a nice dinner and having a coffee and a club soda because we're all "in the program". To me, I'm starting to question his motives, and I'm thinking that he may just want to start this AA family so that he won't feel so bad about his neglect during our childhood. I think he has the wrong motives, and this is a messed up, very dysfunctional situation. Any thoughts?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
There are maybe multiple issues here that are all intertwined?
First, what do YOU think about your drinking, independent of his opinion or machinations? Do you want to stop or are you just being forced into a facsimile of recovery because he's pushing it?
No one ever got sober without whole -heartedly wanting to be...having others shove us into it is pretty much a guarantee of failure.
Second, your perception that he is making amends for your horrible childhood by being overly parental now is another big area of resentment.
Third, your sister is a big girl and can fend for herself, yes? Her decisions about her drinking are hers to make, just like your decisions are yours.
Maybe a therapist who is versed in addiction can help you sort these things out?
It might well be best for you and your father to go your separate ways for a while so you can live your life and whatever recovery you choose on your terms.
Wishing you clarity...
First, what do YOU think about your drinking, independent of his opinion or machinations? Do you want to stop or are you just being forced into a facsimile of recovery because he's pushing it?
No one ever got sober without whole -heartedly wanting to be...having others shove us into it is pretty much a guarantee of failure.
Second, your perception that he is making amends for your horrible childhood by being overly parental now is another big area of resentment.
Third, your sister is a big girl and can fend for herself, yes? Her decisions about her drinking are hers to make, just like your decisions are yours.
Maybe a therapist who is versed in addiction can help you sort these things out?
It might well be best for you and your father to go your separate ways for a while so you can live your life and whatever recovery you choose on your terms.
Wishing you clarity...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Your father is wrong to try to force his beliefs and program of recovery onto you. If what he is doing works for him and he is happy with his life then its great for him, but there are so many options out there for issues with alcohol or drugs. my husband was initially led into the realm of 12 step but it was making him miserable and not helping. Oddly, people blamed him for not adapting. But he found personal therapy and has done great with his substance issues and more important all that was behind it.
Its very sad when people try to impress their views onto others, even a father to his kids, with no respect or belief the other person may know whats best for them even during a crisis with drugs or alcohol.
the bribery is shameful but I can imagine its hard to ignore the money when you may be in need. My inlaws did the same to me and my husband. It only led to trouble for us and I think doomed the family relationship.
Its very sad when people try to impress their views onto others, even a father to his kids, with no respect or belief the other person may know whats best for them even during a crisis with drugs or alcohol.
the bribery is shameful but I can imagine its hard to ignore the money when you may be in need. My inlaws did the same to me and my husband. It only led to trouble for us and I think doomed the family relationship.
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