jimmyhow

I don't even know what set me off. One minute I was fine and the next minute all hell broke loose. I made her cry, brought up all kinds of hurtful stuff and I can't tell you why I did it. I don't even know if she'll stay with me after this. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't.

This keeps happening and I have no control over what I say and how much I drink, which is the root problem.

I just wanted someone to talk to. She's my best friend so...Can't talk to her anymore

Mattq2

Jimmy,
I have to assume you had been drinking when you behaved this way. When I drank I would often go off about dumb stuff and say terrible things to people I loved. I would suffer the shame the next day and make promises that I never would keep and the process would repeat itself. For me there was only one answer, quit drinking. Slowly my loved ones began to trust me again and more importantly love me again. It takes a long time to regain that trust but it can be done. It all starts with not drinking, day one my friend. You have to do that for you and I think all the other stuff will fall into place.

jimmyhow

Hi Matt, I've been here before and was doing OK. I stayed off the booze and things were going pretty well. Then I though I'll just have one...And I did. But then the weeks passed and that one turned into ten, then ten and a bottle, so now I'm back here again at square one, with the second Christmas I've ruined under my belt. I don't want to be this person, but I don't want to be the 'i can't drink' person either.

Ariesagain

How about being the "I'm free from having to drink" person?

Because the booze is kicking your behind, no?

jimmyhow

That would be putting it mildly.

Maudcat

How about taking it one day at a time? Don't think about how you can never drink again. That is a lot to wrap your head around. Just think, "I won't drink today. " peace.

PurpleKnight

The good news Jimmy, is you don't have to keep repeating this cycle, you can finally draw a line under it and say no more to all the misery alcohol is causing in your life.

With the right plan, the right support and changing up your actions and decisions . . .

It can be done!!

kk1k5x

I second this. It seems difficult to close the door shut on booze, but take it one day at a time and it can be done. Lingering thoughts about "Well someday ..." are detrimental, but they only exist in an undefined, mostly far off future.
Don't know whether to call it 'contradictory', but (truly) leaving no room for alcohol is quite possibly the hardest thing to do mentally early on, but it's also what will keep you from the bottle later on. Decisively cutting out the "On a Sunday, after years of sobriety" type fantasies, which are the likeliest of culprits in picking up again, is key.
My 2 cents.

K

jimmyhow

Well there's no point in moping I know that much. What's done is done. I hope I can fix things though and start getting sober properly this time.

I guess the first leg is survive today! Then go and get some decent food in the morning.

least

Don't look at it as being deprived, not 'being able' to drink. Look at it as gaining a whole new and better life, sober. And if you stay sober, you won't repeat that behavior.

ReadyAtLast

Hope fully you can fix things but there is no guarantee it won't happen again unless you stop drinking. I know when I did thgat sort of stuff it diudnt matter what I said afterwards it was only when I stopped drinking and time that people realised it wouldn't happen again.

jimmyhow

The mad part of it is I really don't want to drink. I have no idea why I'm doing it. Habit? Addiction? To fit in?

All I know is I want to quit so badly this time...

Ariesagain

There's a lot of good info out there about the biochemistry of alcohol addiction.

Here's one article...

https://www.promises.com/resources/a...hol-addictive/

PhoenixJ

Prayers fro you and your family

Soberwolf

Alcoholism my friend just the same as me accept it work on your recovery and no matter what do not drink

Also reach out for that all important 2nd opinion from now on were here

Nonsensical

I was that guy for a very long time. The guy who didn't want to be the 'I can't drink' person. A couple of decades.

One day I figured out why drinking was so important to me that I'd risk everything so I didn't have to be the 'I can't drink' person.

Then I did something about that.

Then I was free.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Scared1234

Your post felt so guilt ridden I feel for you friend! and my only wish for you today is to really sit down and begin to forgive yourself. Start to realize that we are all just fleshy bodies trying to figure out life as we go forward in time! Forgive yourself and with time if you cut down on the drinking, others will see/feel it off you that you are getting your stuff together

All the best to you

Delilah1

Hi Jimmy,

There is lots of support on this site to help you with recovery. The monthly classes, and 24 hour thread are two good places to check in each day.

Try flipping your thinking about not drinking anymore. Rather than, I can't drink anymore, I get to do... because I am sober and healthy.

SR, exercise, journaling, and mindfulness have been the biggest components of my recovery. I am a few days shy of one year sober, and life is so much bette and easier to deal with, even on the tough days.

Looking forward to seeing you on here.

Hevyn

Jimmy - I'm sorry that happened to you. I know how devastating it is. That's why I had to stop, even though I was reluctant. In the end, there were never any good times when I drank. It always led to me being confrontational & saying things I had no memory of the next day. People were hurt and confused. The only way to avoid that was to stop all together. There was obviously never going to be any control. It was wonderful to get free of it. You can do it.