Expanding

i had no respect for myself, nor did the ex have respect for himself. In many ways we were very, very similar. The groom of the wedding I agreed to be in just changed his profile picture to himself passed out under a Christmas tree with wet pants. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. A long time friend of mine raised her hand when I said that many people drink a lot but can hide it well... I'm just wondering who's going to be left as my recovery progresses.

qtpi

Many many years ago- like 20- when I started going to Alanon, I developed my own circle of friends. When we socialized with STBXAH's friends it was all about alcohol. My friends- it is about conversation, church, music, exercise, the children. My friends just didn't drink. When I left, my friends helped me. I left STBXAHs friends behind- and do not miss them. Now when I see my friends we walk, go to a movie, go to lunch, play a board game- and there is no alcohol involved. Noone even thinks of it.

Expanding

I hope I am able to find friends like that! Or ones that are able to truly socially drink. I don't want to be one of those people that judges those who drink and writes them all off... I'm sure there can be a healthy ground... I just haven't noticed it around me

Hummer

qtpi - did you make those healthy friendships through al-anon?

Just curious, like Expanding, I would also like to make new friends whose main focus is not alcohol.

As well as my AH I have also noticed that many (maybe even most) of my friends drink regularly and often heavily. I don't want every social occasion to be in a bar or pub - occasionally is fine! I live in Scotland and drinking is a national sport!

Lilro

You've gained a tremendous amount of respect for yourself when your ABF turned into your EXABF. Don't you forget it!

qtpi

I did not judge any one or write them off. I know you didn't mean that I did anything wrong. I just didn't socialize with drinking people unless I was socializing with STBXAH. Slowly I developed my own circle of friends this way. I met new friends at a choir I joined, at a fitness club, and in playing a board game called mah jongg. My best friend I met through STBXAH- we used to "go out to dinner"( also known as drinking to excess) as married couples- then her XH left her and I helped her through her divorce. Now my BF and I walk regularly, get lunch or coffee, see a show or a movie, or just talk. We don't even think of having a drink.

Alanon did teach me a lot about getting along with others. But I just find I have nothing in common with people who drink or use other substances.

I learned how to be a good friend by sharing, listening, tolerating, and finding things in common.

Someone gave me some good advice about making friends- she said look for people who share your interests. So look at Meetup groups or develop some new interests. I met new friends this way.

Expanding

Oh no, I wasn't accusing you of doing those things. I was saying for me personally because it seems as I progress there are less and less people I want in my life. If I keep going at this pace I'll have a new life entirely, the people included within a year. No one seems to be "making the cut". When I say these things or write them out it all feels so harsh but maybe that's what needs to be done

DoubleDragons

I understand, Expanding. I was a lifetime drinker since I was a teenager, until I quit drinking three years ago in fear of turning into my alcoholic mom (I am in my mid forties). My family were all heavy drinkers, my friends were all big partiers. My thoughts on alcohol have done a complete 180. The old me would have hated the new me and vice versa. I have lifetime friends that will always be my friends but they are all long distance. I am still working on finding "my squad". I definitely have trust issues that make this a little harder, too. That being said, I am enjoying this time focusing on me and my immediate family. Diane Von Furstenburg always says that the most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. If that is good, everything else is a bonus.

qtpi

As the years went on the drinkers dropped out on me actually. So I only saw them when I was with STBXAH. I had new friends and new interests so that was fine. If you don't drink with a drinker not much will be left of the "friendship."

Hawkeye13

True for me too--I have lost nearly my entire social circle by becoming and staying sober.
I can't handle their drunk stuff, and I'm sure I'm a dead bore to them now as well.

I haven't found it easy to make new friends as I'm older, busy,
live in the country near a small town and really can't handle small talk or BS anymore.

Friendships take time and investment of personal energy,
and though the rewards are great, I just feel too saturated,
too "burned out and burned up" from my toxic relationships
from the past.

I'm at peace, wish no one anything ill, but pretty much want to be alone
or with my husband and / or animal friends.

I quit beating myself up about this finally this year.
I actually felt guilty about not working harder to make new friends,
but forcing things just wasn't working either.
I like my own company, I like being alone in Nature, and I find much to do.

firebolt

I am about 1 year out from NC with my ex - YAY!

Over the last year, my friendships have definitely shifted. I had a few healthy friends in my previous life, and I kept them at arms length - because I mostly hung out with people with my level of health. Now, those friendships have swapped...I rarely see the partiers....and my movie / hiking / cribbage playing friends are front and center in my life, along with my family. We tend to surround ourselves with like minded folks, don't we?!

Look at that truth bomb. The same applies to romantic relationships, I think. I still have hope and some love for the ex, but the honest to God truth is, we just don't have anything in common anymore. We grew at far too different of a pace to have anything connecting us.