it feels too permanent
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Los angeles ca
Posts: 1
it feels too permanent
First time poster here.. anyone with insight, similar situations, please share your experience. I feel beyond stuck.
I am in a bit of a situation. I have been on and off with an addict for 2.5 years. I have so many qualifiers from my childhood, I think its the reason I chose this person as my first boyfriend. Attending al anon when I absolutely can't take it (been scared to attend further than that despite knowing I should. its all overwhelming seems like so much work, that its imposisble) and in therapy since I was a teenager. Also a psych major, I understand this so much, just not when it comes to me.
My boyfriend comes from a very stubborn cultural background. no therapy, no meetings, no programs.. its all in your head get over it mentality. due to that, my boyfriend has never been willing to get treatment. I thought telling his parents would help, his friends, but now I know further in my recovery and research he won't be ready til he's ready, and theres nothing I can do about it.
He is an opium user. Heroine, to be exact. (Never would I think a smart girl like me, who came from a good place would end up in a relationship like this, but here I am. )
There was a crisis for the first time in a long time this week. I was shocked, but then again not shocked at all. Every time I hear something like this, its as if the first time I heard it. Knocks the wind out of me, and for many days and weeks there after. The other day he said he's been going to meetings 3x a week. I had such a hard time believing that, because he was never willing in the past. he also lies in order to not be questioned about things so honestly. I didn't believe him. He told me he had been sober for this entire year (2016). Deep down I knew his behavior said other wise but of course I wanted nothing more than to believe what he said was true, thats all I ever really hoped for truly. Anyways I could tell he seemed a little shaky while talking about this.. almost like he had an urge to use.
so I did what the codependent does.. and I reached out without his knowledge to his friend who has been sober for 6 years. I said I heard he's been going to meetings with you, please take him to another soon if you an he seemed a bit shaky. I got a call saying the last time he's been to a meeting was 2 months ago when trying to get off meth. My heart sank to the floor. Meth? It was always opiates. What do u mean meth. I was shaken and got off the phone so quickly, I could barely thank him for telling me the truth.
This BROKE me. I reached out to a few friends who are al anon all stars. seemed their advice. I felt like I had to break up with him. I didn't want to at all. AT ALL. things had been good, we were improving, things were just starting to look up then I hear this?! I know deep down me being there, is. not helping him get sober. I am enabling him, by being this loving thing always there for him when barely can be there for me half the time. deep down I know I should leave. for the better of me AND him.
I did it. I broke up with him.
within less than 24 hours I was calling him back trying to find out details of what had happened. (my relapse). I made everything I said prior invaluable. because I made it a point to say u need to only focus on you to get sober u can't handle a relationship. he tried to bargain with me and say I help him stay sober but... I know thats not true. the day I broke up with him, I knew he would say anything and everything to make me stay. I kept telling myself "everything he's saying is a lie, he's manipulating you." especially when he said he's been sober for 2 months and could prove it to me.
the next day when I called him after we broke up, I said, how can you prove it? (hopelessly wanting to believe it was true he was sober). he was embarrassed to admit he got arrested with it on him. and actually has been mandated by the court in honor of prop 36 to get a program. I said I won't believe you til you show me paperwork. (pathetic I know). and he did. he brought over paperwork, saying he got arrested and court documents stating he had to go to a particular treatment center and report back in January. I want to be with him. not sure if its my codependent self or if its how much I really do love him. I am so happy when were together. its when were apart, and he's not answering, my mind is racing. Does anyone know about prop 36? Is is true he's getting drug tested, and if he fails does he go to jail? Am I doing the wrong thing by staying? If I can't handle leaving right now because I'm not ready.. am I horribly wrong.
feeling so lost, and so anxious. thank you guys for anything you can provide for advice. I love you guys already and I am barely getting started.
I am in a bit of a situation. I have been on and off with an addict for 2.5 years. I have so many qualifiers from my childhood, I think its the reason I chose this person as my first boyfriend. Attending al anon when I absolutely can't take it (been scared to attend further than that despite knowing I should. its all overwhelming seems like so much work, that its imposisble) and in therapy since I was a teenager. Also a psych major, I understand this so much, just not when it comes to me.
My boyfriend comes from a very stubborn cultural background. no therapy, no meetings, no programs.. its all in your head get over it mentality. due to that, my boyfriend has never been willing to get treatment. I thought telling his parents would help, his friends, but now I know further in my recovery and research he won't be ready til he's ready, and theres nothing I can do about it.
He is an opium user. Heroine, to be exact. (Never would I think a smart girl like me, who came from a good place would end up in a relationship like this, but here I am. )
There was a crisis for the first time in a long time this week. I was shocked, but then again not shocked at all. Every time I hear something like this, its as if the first time I heard it. Knocks the wind out of me, and for many days and weeks there after. The other day he said he's been going to meetings 3x a week. I had such a hard time believing that, because he was never willing in the past. he also lies in order to not be questioned about things so honestly. I didn't believe him. He told me he had been sober for this entire year (2016). Deep down I knew his behavior said other wise but of course I wanted nothing more than to believe what he said was true, thats all I ever really hoped for truly. Anyways I could tell he seemed a little shaky while talking about this.. almost like he had an urge to use.
so I did what the codependent does.. and I reached out without his knowledge to his friend who has been sober for 6 years. I said I heard he's been going to meetings with you, please take him to another soon if you an he seemed a bit shaky. I got a call saying the last time he's been to a meeting was 2 months ago when trying to get off meth. My heart sank to the floor. Meth? It was always opiates. What do u mean meth. I was shaken and got off the phone so quickly, I could barely thank him for telling me the truth.
This BROKE me. I reached out to a few friends who are al anon all stars. seemed their advice. I felt like I had to break up with him. I didn't want to at all. AT ALL. things had been good, we were improving, things were just starting to look up then I hear this?! I know deep down me being there, is. not helping him get sober. I am enabling him, by being this loving thing always there for him when barely can be there for me half the time. deep down I know I should leave. for the better of me AND him.
I did it. I broke up with him.
within less than 24 hours I was calling him back trying to find out details of what had happened. (my relapse). I made everything I said prior invaluable. because I made it a point to say u need to only focus on you to get sober u can't handle a relationship. he tried to bargain with me and say I help him stay sober but... I know thats not true. the day I broke up with him, I knew he would say anything and everything to make me stay. I kept telling myself "everything he's saying is a lie, he's manipulating you." especially when he said he's been sober for 2 months and could prove it to me.
the next day when I called him after we broke up, I said, how can you prove it? (hopelessly wanting to believe it was true he was sober). he was embarrassed to admit he got arrested with it on him. and actually has been mandated by the court in honor of prop 36 to get a program. I said I won't believe you til you show me paperwork. (pathetic I know). and he did. he brought over paperwork, saying he got arrested and court documents stating he had to go to a particular treatment center and report back in January. I want to be with him. not sure if its my codependent self or if its how much I really do love him. I am so happy when were together. its when were apart, and he's not answering, my mind is racing. Does anyone know about prop 36? Is is true he's getting drug tested, and if he fails does he go to jail? Am I doing the wrong thing by staying? If I can't handle leaving right now because I'm not ready.. am I horribly wrong.
feeling so lost, and so anxious. thank you guys for anything you can provide for advice. I love you guys already and I am barely getting started.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,670
Hello L4S- I know nothing about prop 36. I think you already answered your own question. Emotion and rational thought conflict at times. Perhaps speak with a counsellor- some one other than mutual friends/networks. Perhaps you are holding onto a dream, not recognising a terrible reality- but I think someone outside the square could give you on the ground support. SR is great for this, however f2f is very important- for me.
Prayers and support to you. PJ
Prayers and support to you. PJ
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lookin4Serenity.......I am sorry that you are caught up into all this.....
All breakups hurt. They hurt, badly. It doesn't matter if the relationship was a healthy one or whether it was headed for disaster----the breakup hurts the same!!
Look at the big picture of your life.....what do you want for yourself?
What do you want, 2yrs., 3yrs, or 5yrs. from now?
We are capable of being attracted to lots of people...or, feel like we "love" lots of people......and, that is o.k. if those relationships allow us to thrive...to enrich us.....
When addiction takes over...I have never heard of "enrichment" taking place......sigh.....
You will need to take care of yourself.....as he won't be able to.....
Your happiness depends on the kinds of decisions that you make....
Just know that in a relationship where addiction is a factor...love is not enough.
Nobody can tell you to stop loving someone...but, they can advise you to love from a distance in order to save yourself.....
All breakups hurt. They hurt, badly. It doesn't matter if the relationship was a healthy one or whether it was headed for disaster----the breakup hurts the same!!
Look at the big picture of your life.....what do you want for yourself?
What do you want, 2yrs., 3yrs, or 5yrs. from now?
We are capable of being attracted to lots of people...or, feel like we "love" lots of people......and, that is o.k. if those relationships allow us to thrive...to enrich us.....
When addiction takes over...I have never heard of "enrichment" taking place......sigh.....
You will need to take care of yourself.....as he won't be able to.....
Your happiness depends on the kinds of decisions that you make....
Just know that in a relationship where addiction is a factor...love is not enough.
Nobody can tell you to stop loving someone...but, they can advise you to love from a distance in order to save yourself.....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Actions always speak louder than words. Perhaps sit this one out and just see what January and the future brings for both of you.
Attaching yourself to his addiction will only bring you down too. This may be a good time to take care of yourself, continue your counseling and meetings and when you are healthier, you will make healthier choices.
Welcome to SoberRecover, you are among friends here who understand how you feel.
Hugs
Attaching yourself to his addiction will only bring you down too. This may be a good time to take care of yourself, continue your counseling and meetings and when you are healthier, you will make healthier choices.
Welcome to SoberRecover, you are among friends here who understand how you feel.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Lookin4serenity,
It's been my experience that addicts tend to have a DOC (drug of choice), but many will settle for anything if that is not available. Many heroin addicts also use meth to help them come up, as heroin is a downer. Up, down, up down- it's an endless rollercoaster, just as it is for us codependents.
What do you have to lose by taking a step back? I think many of us were scared that our addicts would find someone else, but then again, many of us who stayed had that happen, anyway. If they're the type to move on right away, they probably would have cheated on us.
I would encourage you to have faith that you will be okay no matter what happens to him.
Blessings to you.
It's been my experience that addicts tend to have a DOC (drug of choice), but many will settle for anything if that is not available. Many heroin addicts also use meth to help them come up, as heroin is a downer. Up, down, up down- it's an endless rollercoaster, just as it is for us codependents.
What do you have to lose by taking a step back? I think many of us were scared that our addicts would find someone else, but then again, many of us who stayed had that happen, anyway. If they're the type to move on right away, they probably would have cheated on us.
I would encourage you to have faith that you will be okay no matter what happens to him.
Blessings to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
There is so much I could touch on here... But, I simply want to say: "nothing changes, if nothing changes."
It sounds like the both of you are incredibly sick. Him in his disease and you in your codependency. It simply is not possible for both of you to heal and work on your recovery's if you do not put some space between you two and limit the toxicity. Yes, Al Anon is hard; it requires work, it will be painful, it will make you uncomfortable, but you will grow.
Think of it this way, if you are feeling as though Al anon is too much work, or it is emotionally exhausting, can you imagine how your boyfriend must feel going to AA/NA? It is work, it takes a lot of courage to get into those rooms, but it works. You'd still want him to go, right? We "keep coming back." because it works. We turn the focus away from the addict and on to ourselves. Why do we do the things we do? Our life is unmanageable because we make it that way...I really do hope you reconsider going to a meeting.
You deserve a lot more than you're receiving. Don't sell yourself short. A life with an addict is a very painful life. To be matter of fact, it is a lifelong disease that requires extreme commitment and true desire to change and stay sober. Coming from a family of addicts and alcoholics, I can tell you: It is hard to get sober, but it's harder to stay sober.
This is not a flu, or illness where he can rest and will be fine in a week, he will deal with this the rest of his life. It is time to "let go and let God." The best thing you can do for yourself AND for him, is to give one another the space (no contact/detach with love) to grow and reflect.
Sending you gentle hugs.
It sounds like the both of you are incredibly sick. Him in his disease and you in your codependency. It simply is not possible for both of you to heal and work on your recovery's if you do not put some space between you two and limit the toxicity. Yes, Al Anon is hard; it requires work, it will be painful, it will make you uncomfortable, but you will grow.
Think of it this way, if you are feeling as though Al anon is too much work, or it is emotionally exhausting, can you imagine how your boyfriend must feel going to AA/NA? It is work, it takes a lot of courage to get into those rooms, but it works. You'd still want him to go, right? We "keep coming back." because it works. We turn the focus away from the addict and on to ourselves. Why do we do the things we do? Our life is unmanageable because we make it that way...I really do hope you reconsider going to a meeting.
You deserve a lot more than you're receiving. Don't sell yourself short. A life with an addict is a very painful life. To be matter of fact, it is a lifelong disease that requires extreme commitment and true desire to change and stay sober. Coming from a family of addicts and alcoholics, I can tell you: It is hard to get sober, but it's harder to stay sober.
This is not a flu, or illness where he can rest and will be fine in a week, he will deal with this the rest of his life. It is time to "let go and let God." The best thing you can do for yourself AND for him, is to give one another the space (no contact/detach with love) to grow and reflect.
Sending you gentle hugs.
Originally Posted by lookin4serenity 
First time poster here.. anyone with insight, similar situations, please share your experience. I feel beyond stuck.
I am in a bit of a situation. I have been on and off with an addict for 2.5 years. I have so many qualifiers from my childhood, I think its the reason I chose this person as my first boyfriend. Attending al anon when I absolutely can't take it (been scared to attend further than that despite knowing I should. its all overwhelming seems like so much work, that its imposisble) and in therapy since I was a teenager. Also a psych major, I understand this so much, just not when it comes to me.
My boyfriend comes from a very stubborn cultural background. no therapy, no meetings, no programs.. its all in your head get over it mentality. due to that, my boyfriend has never been willing to get treatment. I thought telling his parents would help, his friends, but now I know further in my recovery and research he won't be ready til he's ready, and theres nothing I can do about it.
He is an opium user. Heroine, to be exact. (Never would I think a smart girl like me, who came from a good place would end up in a relationship like this, but here I am. )
There was a crisis for the first time in a long time this week. I was shocked, but then again not shocked at all. Every time I hear something like this, its as if the first time I heard it. Knocks the wind out of me, and for many days and weeks there after. The other day he said he's been going to meetings 3x a week. I had such a hard time believing that, because he was never willing in the past. he also lies in order to not be questioned about things so honestly. I didn't believe him. He told me he had been sober for this entire year (2016). Deep down I knew his behavior said other wise but of course I wanted nothing more than to believe what he said was true, thats all I ever really hoped for truly. Anyways I could tell he seemed a little shaky while talking about this.. almost like he had an urge to use.
so I did what the codependent does.. and I reached out without his knowledge to his friend who has been sober for 6 years. I said I heard he's been going to meetings with you, please take him to another soon if you an he seemed a bit shaky. I got a call saying the last time he's been to a meeting was 2 months ago when trying to get off meth. My heart sank to the floor. Meth? It was always opiates. What do u mean meth. I was shaken and got off the phone so quickly, I could barely thank him for telling me the truth.
This BROKE me. I reached out to a few friends who are al anon all stars. seemed their advice. I felt like I had to break up with him. I didn't want to at all. AT ALL. things had been good, we were improving, things were just starting to look up then I hear this?! I know deep down me being there, is. not helping him get sober. I am enabling him, by being this loving thing always there for him when barely can be there for me half the time. deep down I know I should leave. for the better of me AND him.
I did it. I broke up with him.
within less than 24 hours I was calling him back trying to find out details of what had happened. (my relapse). I made everything I said prior invaluable. because I made it a point to say u need to only focus on you to get sober u can't handle a relationship. he tried to bargain with me and say I help him stay sober but... I know thats not true. the day I broke up with him, I knew he would say anything and everything to make me stay. I kept telling myself "everything he's saying is a lie, he's manipulating you." especially when he said he's been sober for 2 months and could prove it to me.
the next day when I called him after we broke up, I said, how can you prove it? (hopelessly wanting to believe it was true he was sober). he was embarrassed to admit he got arrested with it on him. and actually has been mandated by the court in honor of prop 36 to get a program. I said I won't believe you til you show me paperwork. (pathetic I know). and he did. he brought over paperwork, saying he got arrested and court documents stating he had to go to a particular treatment center and report back in January. I want to be with him. not sure if its my codependent self or if its how much I really do love him. I am so happy when were together. its when were apart, and he's not answering, my mind is racing. Does anyone know about prop 36? Is is true he's getting drug tested, and if he fails does he go to jail? Am I doing the wrong thing by staying? If I can't handle leaving right now because I'm not ready.. am I horribly wrong.
feeling so lost, and so anxious. thank you guys for anything you can provide for advice. I love you guys already and I am barely getting started.
I am in a bit of a situation. I have been on and off with an addict for 2.5 years. I have so many qualifiers from my childhood, I think its the reason I chose this person as my first boyfriend. Attending al anon when I absolutely can't take it (been scared to attend further than that despite knowing I should. its all overwhelming seems like so much work, that its imposisble) and in therapy since I was a teenager. Also a psych major, I understand this so much, just not when it comes to me.
My boyfriend comes from a very stubborn cultural background. no therapy, no meetings, no programs.. its all in your head get over it mentality. due to that, my boyfriend has never been willing to get treatment. I thought telling his parents would help, his friends, but now I know further in my recovery and research he won't be ready til he's ready, and theres nothing I can do about it.
He is an opium user. Heroine, to be exact. (Never would I think a smart girl like me, who came from a good place would end up in a relationship like this, but here I am. )
There was a crisis for the first time in a long time this week. I was shocked, but then again not shocked at all. Every time I hear something like this, its as if the first time I heard it. Knocks the wind out of me, and for many days and weeks there after. The other day he said he's been going to meetings 3x a week. I had such a hard time believing that, because he was never willing in the past. he also lies in order to not be questioned about things so honestly. I didn't believe him. He told me he had been sober for this entire year (2016). Deep down I knew his behavior said other wise but of course I wanted nothing more than to believe what he said was true, thats all I ever really hoped for truly. Anyways I could tell he seemed a little shaky while talking about this.. almost like he had an urge to use.
so I did what the codependent does.. and I reached out without his knowledge to his friend who has been sober for 6 years. I said I heard he's been going to meetings with you, please take him to another soon if you an he seemed a bit shaky. I got a call saying the last time he's been to a meeting was 2 months ago when trying to get off meth. My heart sank to the floor. Meth? It was always opiates. What do u mean meth. I was shaken and got off the phone so quickly, I could barely thank him for telling me the truth.
This BROKE me. I reached out to a few friends who are al anon all stars. seemed their advice. I felt like I had to break up with him. I didn't want to at all. AT ALL. things had been good, we were improving, things were just starting to look up then I hear this?! I know deep down me being there, is. not helping him get sober. I am enabling him, by being this loving thing always there for him when barely can be there for me half the time. deep down I know I should leave. for the better of me AND him.
I did it. I broke up with him.
within less than 24 hours I was calling him back trying to find out details of what had happened. (my relapse). I made everything I said prior invaluable. because I made it a point to say u need to only focus on you to get sober u can't handle a relationship. he tried to bargain with me and say I help him stay sober but... I know thats not true. the day I broke up with him, I knew he would say anything and everything to make me stay. I kept telling myself "everything he's saying is a lie, he's manipulating you." especially when he said he's been sober for 2 months and could prove it to me.
the next day when I called him after we broke up, I said, how can you prove it? (hopelessly wanting to believe it was true he was sober). he was embarrassed to admit he got arrested with it on him. and actually has been mandated by the court in honor of prop 36 to get a program. I said I won't believe you til you show me paperwork. (pathetic I know). and he did. he brought over paperwork, saying he got arrested and court documents stating he had to go to a particular treatment center and report back in January. I want to be with him. not sure if its my codependent self or if its how much I really do love him. I am so happy when were together. its when were apart, and he's not answering, my mind is racing. Does anyone know about prop 36? Is is true he's getting drug tested, and if he fails does he go to jail? Am I doing the wrong thing by staying? If I can't handle leaving right now because I'm not ready.. am I horribly wrong.
feeling so lost, and so anxious. thank you guys for anything you can provide for advice. I love you guys already and I am barely getting started.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i believe this relationship has shown you quite clearly of the things YOU need to work on to become healthy, happy and whole.
you are quite young, this is your first "boyfriend" and it's driving you crazy. NOT good. this person and his drug addiction is NOT good for you. this level of insanity is NOT good for you. being so dependent upon anyone else, not even being able to go 24 hours without some type of contact, is NOT good for you.
it's quite common for severe codependents to try and find "the solution" by going into the "caring/helping" fields - addiction counselors, psych majors, trying to fulfill the ever-constant need to FIX someone.
the only person you need to figure out and be at peace with is yourself.
you are quite young, this is your first "boyfriend" and it's driving you crazy. NOT good. this person and his drug addiction is NOT good for you. this level of insanity is NOT good for you. being so dependent upon anyone else, not even being able to go 24 hours without some type of contact, is NOT good for you.
it's quite common for severe codependents to try and find "the solution" by going into the "caring/helping" fields - addiction counselors, psych majors, trying to fulfill the ever-constant need to FIX someone.
the only person you need to figure out and be at peace with is yourself.
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