Feel like a newcomer... I'm about to be
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 9
Feel like a newcomer... I'm about to be
Hello I am posting here because I have two years and two months sober but lately I have been questioning if I really want to be sober. I'm an IV meth and heroin addict who is 21 years old.
I have been an active member of AA for two years. I have five Sponsee's, a sponsor, a worn out big book which I try to live by. I am of service, pray and meditate, and my sponsor or I can't figure that there's anything wrong with my program.
Problem is I want to relapse. I like my life but I'm just very bored and I'm starting not to care about it that much. My attitude is basically I could take or leave everything in my life so why am I still sober? When getting high would feel so good the first time? Maybe I could just do it for a week and come back.
It's gotten to the point that I'm planning my life out if I were to relapse. I'd quit my job in treatment, reassign my Sponsee's to my sponsor, give 30 days notice on my apartment, and live out of my car while getting high. I know what streets I can park on and everything.
I don't know what to do. I care enough to post here but my sponsor hasn't been helpful and I know it will pass eventually. I just feel so blah about sobriety and this is too hard. Sobriety is too hard. I cant do this for the rest of my life.
I have been an active member of AA for two years. I have five Sponsee's, a sponsor, a worn out big book which I try to live by. I am of service, pray and meditate, and my sponsor or I can't figure that there's anything wrong with my program.
Problem is I want to relapse. I like my life but I'm just very bored and I'm starting not to care about it that much. My attitude is basically I could take or leave everything in my life so why am I still sober? When getting high would feel so good the first time? Maybe I could just do it for a week and come back.
It's gotten to the point that I'm planning my life out if I were to relapse. I'd quit my job in treatment, reassign my Sponsee's to my sponsor, give 30 days notice on my apartment, and live out of my car while getting high. I know what streets I can park on and everything.
I don't know what to do. I care enough to post here but my sponsor hasn't been helpful and I know it will pass eventually. I just feel so blah about sobriety and this is too hard. Sobriety is too hard. I cant do this for the rest of my life.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
I would suggest to you the same thing that was suggested to me when my sobriety was shaky: practice gratitude every day. 
Count your blessings. Each day find at least one person/thing/event you're grateful for. Try it. It changed my attitude for the better.
Congrats on your sober time.
Don't throw it away because you're 'bored'. Find something to do.
Count your blessings. Each day find at least one person/thing/event you're grateful for. Try it. It changed my attitude for the better. Congrats on your sober time.
Don't throw it away because you're 'bored'. Find something to do. Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Maybe you are expecting too much?
I'm sure your sponsees could use a sober sponsor. Maybe you are over-extended? Five sponsees seems like quite a juggling act! Is that a good comfort level for you?
I have to agree with least, though. How about taking up skydiving or scuba diving or something physical and demanding. Learn to fly an airplane. Build a sailboat.
I'm sure your sponsees could use a sober sponsor. Maybe you are over-extended? Five sponsees seems like quite a juggling act! Is that a good comfort level for you?
I have to agree with least, though. How about taking up skydiving or scuba diving or something physical and demanding. Learn to fly an airplane. Build a sailboat.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Deereynolds!! 
My addiction used to sell me the myths of just one more day, or just one week and then I could switch it off like a tap again, the issue is if I could have done that in the first place I wouldn't have had a problem, don't open what could be the flood gates once again.
The main thing I had to work out was what have I done with my life since stopping drinking, or did I just stop drinking, instead we need to build a life that we want to live, new activities, new hobbies, new projects that we want to do, simply not drinking created a whole lot of time on my hands because that's all I did, but on it's own it wasn't enough.
But once I started to carve out a new Sober life, things did get easier as I wasn't simply holding onto Sobriety by my finger nails, I instead began to live and be proud of something once again that was increasingly more difficult to give up as time went on.
You'll find loads of support here on SR, don't rush into anything, it's great to have you onboard!!
My addiction used to sell me the myths of just one more day, or just one week and then I could switch it off like a tap again, the issue is if I could have done that in the first place I wouldn't have had a problem, don't open what could be the flood gates once again.
The main thing I had to work out was what have I done with my life since stopping drinking, or did I just stop drinking, instead we need to build a life that we want to live, new activities, new hobbies, new projects that we want to do, simply not drinking created a whole lot of time on my hands because that's all I did, but on it's own it wasn't enough.
But once I started to carve out a new Sober life, things did get easier as I wasn't simply holding onto Sobriety by my finger nails, I instead began to live and be proud of something once again that was increasingly more difficult to give up as time went on.
You'll find loads of support here on SR, don't rush into anything, it's great to have you onboard!!
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
I care enough to post here
I think we all get stuck in a rut sometimes. It's bound to happen. We get used to life as it is and sometimes, we've been working and doing the same things for so long we thirst for something different. Something that will put a little spring in our step and bring some life to the moment. It's only natural that our heads tend to go back to the old ways. It's the addictive voices way of trying to rope you back in. But, you know better, that's why you're here.
Is there anything that interests you that you could do outside of all the things you're currently doing? Are there any fun type of groups in your area with sober people? Have you thought of yoga or meditation? Is there maybe a local recovery center in your area that has offerings?
You might just be bored of sameness. There are so many ways to change that up and to make things fresh. You have good things going on right now. You can do this.
What makes you happy?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 9
I have no idea what makes me happy. I guess I don't really have any hobbies or passions or anything. I love school but I'm on winter break right Now.
I'm very serious about everything. I don't have any friends but honestly I'm not willing to make any. Like I want friends but I just don't feel like putting effort into a friendship. And I don't know how to talk to people about anything but AA.
These have been things my sponsor has told me repeatedly to do: make friends, get a hobby, have fun. I guess I'm just not willing to do it and that is the truth.
But those things can't possibly be making me feel this way. That doesn't make sense
I'm very serious about everything. I don't have any friends but honestly I'm not willing to make any. Like I want friends but I just don't feel like putting effort into a friendship. And I don't know how to talk to people about anything but AA.
These have been things my sponsor has told me repeatedly to do: make friends, get a hobby, have fun. I guess I'm just not willing to do it and that is the truth.
But those things can't possibly be making me feel this way. That doesn't make sense
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Tell ya what: if I'd managed to get sober and clean at your age, I know my life would have been so much more amazing and wonderful.
If you want my opinion, stay on the path and keep looking to deepen and grow both your sobriety and your Self.....
You will be so glad you did.
Don't make a choice that will lead you back down the dark road. It's just not worth it.
If you want my opinion, stay on the path and keep looking to deepen and grow both your sobriety and your Self.....
You will be so glad you did.
Don't make a choice that will lead you back down the dark road. It's just not worth it.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi DeeReynolds I'm really glad you posted & it great to meet you
Best thing I ever done & mostly did at AA meetings was to listen. Don't think about the future too much, accept what is & know by staying clean & sober you will be worlds better off than using. My sister was a former heroin user & seeing her today clean like you are now is one of the best things that really touches my heart & makes sobriety so worthwhile
I know some days it feels like nothing is worth it.... some days I feel so crap but I also know that I won't feel like this forever & by staying clean & sober myself (alcohol & cocaine) my life is far far better than it was of my desperate days of addiction
Please stay with us lean on us for as long as you need talk & get things off your chest we get it brother I promise
Happy Christmas my friend & nice to meet you
I hope we speak more
Best thing I ever done & mostly did at AA meetings was to listen. Don't think about the future too much, accept what is & know by staying clean & sober you will be worlds better off than using. My sister was a former heroin user & seeing her today clean like you are now is one of the best things that really touches my heart & makes sobriety so worthwhile
I know some days it feels like nothing is worth it.... some days I feel so crap but I also know that I won't feel like this forever & by staying clean & sober myself (alcohol & cocaine) my life is far far better than it was of my desperate days of addiction
Please stay with us lean on us for as long as you need talk & get things off your chest we get it brother I promise
Happy Christmas my friend & nice to meet you
I hope we speak more
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I tend to see improvements when I finally make those changes that I don't want to make. Perhaps you could resolve to at least give those things a go for a year. Then reassess the situation. You don't have to solve forever tonight. One day at a time. Keep it simple. You know the kind of thing x
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by Deereynolds 
I am of service, pray and meditate, and my sponsor or I can't figure that there's anything wrong with my program.
Problem is I want to relapse.
Problem is I want to relapse.
Originally Posted by Deereynolds
When getting high would feel so good the first time? Maybe I could just do it for a week and come back.
Originally Posted by Deereynolds
Sobriety is too hard. I cant do this for the rest of my life.
Perhaps you could try not getting high, instead of sobriety?
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
What about checking yourself into treatment- now?
Preventive measures for using can include anything and everything. It wouldn't be too extreme for me to do something like that if I ever got even close to the way you are feeling.
Prayers for you.
Preventive measures for using can include anything and everything. It wouldn't be too extreme for me to do something like that if I ever got even close to the way you are feeling.
Prayers for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
How many folks do you know that got sober
then went back out to return back into recovery?
Which ones went back out and never made it
back in?
Did you learn anything about those folks
that came back in to let you, me, us know
what it was like while they were testing
the waters again to see if they could do
some control using or drinking?
Did it work for them? Were they successful?
Those folks ive seen and heard over the
past 26 yrs has always been the same.
Alcohol and drugs haven't/hasnt changed for
me when I entered recovery back in 1990 to
today.
For each member that went out, they did
it for me, so I wouldn't have to and to remain
successful in continuing to live a sober, heathy,
happy life today.
You have your whole life ahead of you,
but as we have been taught, all we have
is today to do the best we can, being honest
and true to ourselves and responsible for
our own recovery life.
We all go thru growing pain in recovery/
sobriety/life and in going thru them it will
strengthen you/ us in many areas of our own
lives.
Extend or expand your wings to fly into a new
direction, explore, learn, create, praying
each day for direction, strength and guidance,
inspiration and you will continue to be amazed
at what awesome gifts will suddenly appear,
happen as you grow and mature into the best
person you are meant to be.
I pray that you will not return to the insanity,
misery, illness, disease that plagues so many
out there in the world today. To continue on
your own personal journey helping others
still suffering just by being passionate about
your own life and recovery and never give
up. AMEN.
then went back out to return back into recovery?
Which ones went back out and never made it
back in?
Did you learn anything about those folks
that came back in to let you, me, us know
what it was like while they were testing
the waters again to see if they could do
some control using or drinking?
Did it work for them? Were they successful?
Those folks ive seen and heard over the
past 26 yrs has always been the same.
Alcohol and drugs haven't/hasnt changed for
me when I entered recovery back in 1990 to
today.
For each member that went out, they did
it for me, so I wouldn't have to and to remain
successful in continuing to live a sober, heathy,
happy life today.
You have your whole life ahead of you,
but as we have been taught, all we have
is today to do the best we can, being honest
and true to ourselves and responsible for
our own recovery life.
We all go thru growing pain in recovery/
sobriety/life and in going thru them it will
strengthen you/ us in many areas of our own
lives.
Extend or expand your wings to fly into a new
direction, explore, learn, create, praying
each day for direction, strength and guidance,
inspiration and you will continue to be amazed
at what awesome gifts will suddenly appear,
happen as you grow and mature into the best
person you are meant to be.
I pray that you will not return to the insanity,
misery, illness, disease that plagues so many
out there in the world today. To continue on
your own personal journey helping others
still suffering just by being passionate about
your own life and recovery and never give
up. AMEN.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there are far too many tragic tales of addicts who thought they could get away with it "one more time" and never made it back.
you are so young....you have your whole precious LIFE ahead of you.......your options are endless. but if you choose to use, just kiss it all goodbye. life isn't something we can play with like a toy, it is serious, and abundant, and requires that we RESPOND.
so get out there and try stuff. try a zumba class or glass blowing.....or gardening. get involved with a non-profit that helps those in need. write a novel. hell, rearrange the furniture......sometimes we just need to "re-set" our living space......all that stuff we stare at every day.
become willing.
you are so young....you have your whole precious LIFE ahead of you.......your options are endless. but if you choose to use, just kiss it all goodbye. life isn't something we can play with like a toy, it is serious, and abundant, and requires that we RESPOND.
so get out there and try stuff. try a zumba class or glass blowing.....or gardening. get involved with a non-profit that helps those in need. write a novel. hell, rearrange the furniture......sometimes we just need to "re-set" our living space......all that stuff we stare at every day.
become willing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hello and Welcome to SR!
Sounds like life has been pretty good since you have been sober. It also sounds like you are looking for something. I agree about finding an exciting hobby, perhaps plan an adventure trip, anything besides giving up your sobriety.
Have you been in counseling at all throughout your rehab? That might be a good place to start figuring out a positive next step.
One last thought, you posted here because you are thinking about this, there is a big part of you that knows giving up your sobriety is a bad idea.
Sounds like life has been pretty good since you have been sober. It also sounds like you are looking for something. I agree about finding an exciting hobby, perhaps plan an adventure trip, anything besides giving up your sobriety.
Have you been in counseling at all throughout your rehab? That might be a good place to start figuring out a positive next step.
One last thought, you posted here because you are thinking about this, there is a big part of you that knows giving up your sobriety is a bad idea.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,563
Glad to meet you, Deereynolds. I understand being bored, but nothing fulfilling or satisfying can come from going back out. Tragedy could be waiting in the wings. I hope talking things over here will help. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Deereynolds
I have no idea what makes me happy. I guess I don't really have any hobbies or passions or anything. I love school but I'm on winter break right Now.
I'm very serious about everything. I don't have any friends but honestly I'm not willing to make any. Like I want friends but I just don't feel like putting effort into a friendship. And I don't know how to talk to people about anything but AA.
These have been things my sponsor has told me repeatedly to do: make friends, get a hobby, have fun. I guess I'm just not willing to do it and that is the truth.
But those things can't possibly be making me feel this way. That doesn't make sense
I'm very serious about everything. I don't have any friends but honestly I'm not willing to make any. Like I want friends but I just don't feel like putting effort into a friendship. And I don't know how to talk to people about anything but AA.
These have been things my sponsor has told me repeatedly to do: make friends, get a hobby, have fun. I guess I'm just not willing to do it and that is the truth.
But those things can't possibly be making me feel this way. That doesn't make sense
its not those things making you feel this way. you havent done them.
it could be lack of willingness to change the things you can.
hows your spiritual condition?
whats your HP have to say about it?
have you sought outside help?
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by Deereynolds
Maybe I could just do it for a week and come back.
Originally Posted by Deereynolds
I cant do this for the rest of my life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,663
So if it is all too hard for you- why post here? Maybe because you are having a pointless argument with yourself. 2 choices- stay sober/clean and persist. Drink/use and accept the lifestyle and consequences that go with it. There is always help. Prayers to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi and welcoem Deereynolds
It's not uncommon, as time goes on, to get an uneven, even distorted picture of how things used to be:
When living out of your car starts to sound like a viable option, it's definitely time to pull of the reigns.
Whenever those thoughts started to dance around in my head I trained myself to ask what did I want to escape from.
Once I had that answer- be it stress, boredom, not liking myself, depression or whatever else - I could then deal with whatever it was in a healthy way.
whatever the answer is that you're looking for, you won't find it by doubling back - you've been there...and you left because it was crud.
D
It's not uncommon, as time goes on, to get an uneven, even distorted picture of how things used to be:
How Euphoric recall leads to relapse:
*Addiction is both a physical and psychological disease. While many people mistakenly believe that the physical aspect of the disease is more powerful, it is actually the psychological side of addiction that causes more relapse. Learning how the addicted brain works can empower a recovering addict to avoid relapse.
How Psychological Addiction Works:
*The euphoric high felt during drug or alcohol abuse directly affects an area of the brain called the pleasure or reward center. This is the same part of the brain that manages a variety of important psychological functions such as the following:
Emotional response
Anxiety management
Coping with stress
Reinforcing behaviors (forming habits)
The ability to resist impulses
The formation and recollection of memories
Drugs and alcohol provide real, albeit temporary, relief of emotional pain or distress in this part of the brain. When the substance wears off and the underlying psychological disorder begins to take over, the brain will use every psychological tool at its disposal to get those chemicals again. One of the most problematic of these symptoms – especially after months of recovery– is a phenomenon called euphoric recall.
How Euphoric Recall Works:
*Because the formation and recollection of memories is managed in this same area, the brain may choose only to bring to mind the fun times or highlights of past drug use. The user will not remember the pain, sickness, destruction, disappointment or trapped feelings of addiction – only the good times. This can lead a person to romanticize their previous substance abuse and spend too much time thinking back on it longingly. This type of distorted memory can also lead people to feel overconfident in their ability to resist relapse, which may cause them to place themselves in high-risk environments. A recovering alcoholic, when walking past a bar, may think back to some fun times and then tell himself that he can handle the temptation to drink now. He goes into the bar where the positive memories collide with his weakened state of alertness; before he knows it, he has relapsed.
How to Stop Euphoric Recall:
*While you cannot stop euphoric recall, one of the most powerful tools to overcome it is through relational accountability. Make sure you have a friend or sponsor who you have especially empowered to hold you accountable for your time, words, money and actions. Another person can provide the accurate perspective that euphoric recall destroys. You may start to become nostalgic for your party days, but a good accountability partner will remind you of the broken relationships, the misery of withdrawal and the positive aspects of being clean and sober. Journaling can also be extremely helpful – especially as it relates to identifying faulty or incomplete memories and filling in those gaps during weak moments. In time you can train your mind to remember all aspects of the disease of addiction, not just the distorted ones.
*Addiction is both a physical and psychological disease. While many people mistakenly believe that the physical aspect of the disease is more powerful, it is actually the psychological side of addiction that causes more relapse. Learning how the addicted brain works can empower a recovering addict to avoid relapse.
How Psychological Addiction Works:
*The euphoric high felt during drug or alcohol abuse directly affects an area of the brain called the pleasure or reward center. This is the same part of the brain that manages a variety of important psychological functions such as the following:
Emotional response
Anxiety management
Coping with stress
Reinforcing behaviors (forming habits)
The ability to resist impulses
The formation and recollection of memories
Drugs and alcohol provide real, albeit temporary, relief of emotional pain or distress in this part of the brain. When the substance wears off and the underlying psychological disorder begins to take over, the brain will use every psychological tool at its disposal to get those chemicals again. One of the most problematic of these symptoms – especially after months of recovery– is a phenomenon called euphoric recall.
How Euphoric Recall Works:
*Because the formation and recollection of memories is managed in this same area, the brain may choose only to bring to mind the fun times or highlights of past drug use. The user will not remember the pain, sickness, destruction, disappointment or trapped feelings of addiction – only the good times. This can lead a person to romanticize their previous substance abuse and spend too much time thinking back on it longingly. This type of distorted memory can also lead people to feel overconfident in their ability to resist relapse, which may cause them to place themselves in high-risk environments. A recovering alcoholic, when walking past a bar, may think back to some fun times and then tell himself that he can handle the temptation to drink now. He goes into the bar where the positive memories collide with his weakened state of alertness; before he knows it, he has relapsed.
How to Stop Euphoric Recall:
*While you cannot stop euphoric recall, one of the most powerful tools to overcome it is through relational accountability. Make sure you have a friend or sponsor who you have especially empowered to hold you accountable for your time, words, money and actions. Another person can provide the accurate perspective that euphoric recall destroys. You may start to become nostalgic for your party days, but a good accountability partner will remind you of the broken relationships, the misery of withdrawal and the positive aspects of being clean and sober. Journaling can also be extremely helpful – especially as it relates to identifying faulty or incomplete memories and filling in those gaps during weak moments. In time you can train your mind to remember all aspects of the disease of addiction, not just the distorted ones.
Whenever those thoughts started to dance around in my head I trained myself to ask what did I want to escape from.
Once I had that answer- be it stress, boredom, not liking myself, depression or whatever else - I could then deal with whatever it was in a healthy way.
whatever the answer is that you're looking for, you won't find it by doubling back - you've been there...and you left because it was crud.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 122
I don't know if your the type of person who is more prone to use in the face of change, so this may not be the best advice, but I think if you need a change, get a change. There are loads of ways to shake up your life that don't include using. If living out of your car doesn't scare you, then why not try something like backpacking around Croatia? Or signing up to volunteer to build homes in South America or study abroad?
The great thing about not giving a **** if you wind up living out of a car means that you've already overcome so many barriers to taking risks that stop most people from doing things that could really enrich their lives.
I get wanting to burn it all down when things stagnate (I'm in the process of moving my family across the country where we know no one for a new job), but you don't need to destroy yourself to reinvent your life. You just need to take a drastic action.
The great thing about not giving a **** if you wind up living out of a car means that you've already overcome so many barriers to taking risks that stop most people from doing things that could really enrich their lives.
I get wanting to burn it all down when things stagnate (I'm in the process of moving my family across the country where we know no one for a new job), but you don't need to destroy yourself to reinvent your life. You just need to take a drastic action.
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