BeachPlease

I had a suitcase full of books that I needed to get and I finally remembered where I hid my journals. I knew he hadn't read them, because he would have called. We hadn't talked in a month and a half.

He's STILL asking me if there is anybody else. There is not. I told him enough of asking me that, because it implies that I couldn't possibly leave him for any other reason.

He said to not string him along and asked me if this was it. I told him Yes this is it. He then goes to saying he doesn't want to lose me and all that and is still convinced that I will be moving back home when my lease is up.

It was a horrible visit and he kept begging me to stay and pulling me back so we could keep talking. I felt like he was totally playing on my feelings. At times, I felt like his tears were real. I am so messed up that I don't know anymore, because then he started the manipulative stuff.

He said "And another hurtful thing, is when you told me such and such". I was like where did that even come from? He was trying to cut me down, make me feel guilty and cave in. I know it. He doesn't realize my son's father did the same thing many years ago and it is a serious trigger for me to totally shut down. Taking my vulnerable moments I shared or mistakes and throw them back in my face has been done to me and I can't take that. My son's father did it, a former friend of mine did it, and now my husband is doing it. I never thought he would and it's got me so messed up. I was crying and feeling sorry for him and then had to defend myself.

He asked me if this was it, meaning the end. I said yes. Then he stalls and cries and basically begs me to give him a chance, give him time to get it together. I told him I've been waiting for a few years.

I'm glad I have my books and my journals now. I can't go back over there.

I read the beginning of my first journal (way back in 1998). I was on the right track with my self worth/esteem. Idk what happened.

BeachPlease

By the way, this was two days ago. I didn't go over there today. I just needed some time to process everything and sort it out before posting.

dandylion

BeachPlease......that is why it is so important to not JADE.....
Justify....Argue....Defend....or Explain.....

Your first priority has to be whatever in in your overall best interest.....
You have to protect yourself...If you don't,,,nobody else is going to.....

He will try to wear you down, if you let him.....

AnvilheadII

so no "how are you doing these days?" "you look well" "i hope life is treating you well".

nope all ME ME ME....you must come back to ME, you can't really leave ME, you hurt ME, please give ME one more chance.

nice.

now it gets to be about YOU.

BeachPlease

Damn skippy it's about me now. My back started itching again, and I can't have that. I've been over here scrubbing my cast iron skillets to get them into shape, rubbing leather conditioner on every boot and bag, walking back and forth in this apartment. That exchange with him really worked my nerves.

BeachPlease

Lordy, I did all of those things. I thought I was prepared, but I was not.
Yep, he is trying to wear me down. Said he wants me to call him sometimes, but he doesn't call me. I am so depleted, but also so thankful for the long weekend.

PhoenixJ

AnvilheadII

time for a hot soaky bath. i'd suggest lavender Epsom salts......

Praying

To Anvil's point--something I heard a long time ago that has stuck with me in all situations is to listen for "you". Is anything about YOU or is it al about HIM. If you don't hear anything about how he's hurt YOU, or cares about how it's impacting YOU...no matter how well he plays it, it's not genuine.

Hugs to you. I know that feeling. Use it to get stuff done or exercise! It will pass as you come down from the interaction. Then it'll happen again next time...

NYCDoglvr

If you need anything else from the house ask a friend to pick it up. And, if possible, go no contact. A big hug