Should I try to see him in rehab before I leave for overseas??? All advice appreciated...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 10
Should I try to see him in rehab before I leave for overseas??? All advice appreciated...
Ok so here is my issue -
My boyfriend and I live in Amsterdam. 5 weeks ago he went to Berlin, and I then joined him 2 weeks later. It ended terribly, and long story short he took himself to a Rehab clinic in Berlin where he has been for the past 2 weeks now.
I have had 2 calls from the clinic, the first call was to notify me he was in the rehab which they told me its not something they usually do but he was adamant they call me to let me know this, the second call a week later was to tell me he wishes to stay there. The clinic has a 3 month no contact policy which means patients cannot make contact for 3 months with anyone on the 'outside'.
I am travelling back to Australia to live on the 19th January. This was something we were meant to do together, but with him now in rehab I presume he isn't coming. I also have all of his clothes still and his bankcard and I'm really not sure what he wants me to do with his stuff since I cannot have contact with him to try sort it out.
I tried to explain this to the clinic, however only 1 person there speaks english that I can talk with, and he basically told me that it is my boyfriends decision to stay, that they aren't forcing him to stay there and he can leave whenever he wants to.
I don't want him to leave the rehab if that is the best thing for him right now but I would like to at least be able to say goodbye to him before I move back to Australia or at least tell him myself I am leaving as he doesn't even know that I have booked my tickets or anything. I also have information on his laptop he lost and need to discuss this with him and give his clothes/bankcard back before I leave.
I feel like it will be alot of things left unresolved if I just leave right now without seeing him first. I have asked the clinic if there is a possibility they make an exception for me but they have said no.
I have had 2 thoughts cross my head now -
1st thought - pack all his stuff in a bag, leave a letter and drop it off to the clinic and continue on my path not knowing if I will ever see him again...
2nd thought - Go to the clinic and request to see him, and wait there until I can see him or go to an open anon meeting where I know he will be in Berlin so I can speak with him?
Am I being silly for wanting to see him before I leave and is it really the best option that I just leave without seeing/talking to him or do you think I should try to contact him to tell him I'm leaving etc personally? I am really confused right now and my emotions are all over the place so I cannot trust these or the decisions I'm making right now so I would like an outsider perspective as to what they think would be my best decision for both myself and for him.
My boyfriend and I live in Amsterdam. 5 weeks ago he went to Berlin, and I then joined him 2 weeks later. It ended terribly, and long story short he took himself to a Rehab clinic in Berlin where he has been for the past 2 weeks now.
I have had 2 calls from the clinic, the first call was to notify me he was in the rehab which they told me its not something they usually do but he was adamant they call me to let me know this, the second call a week later was to tell me he wishes to stay there. The clinic has a 3 month no contact policy which means patients cannot make contact for 3 months with anyone on the 'outside'.
I am travelling back to Australia to live on the 19th January. This was something we were meant to do together, but with him now in rehab I presume he isn't coming. I also have all of his clothes still and his bankcard and I'm really not sure what he wants me to do with his stuff since I cannot have contact with him to try sort it out.
I tried to explain this to the clinic, however only 1 person there speaks english that I can talk with, and he basically told me that it is my boyfriends decision to stay, that they aren't forcing him to stay there and he can leave whenever he wants to.
I don't want him to leave the rehab if that is the best thing for him right now but I would like to at least be able to say goodbye to him before I move back to Australia or at least tell him myself I am leaving as he doesn't even know that I have booked my tickets or anything. I also have information on his laptop he lost and need to discuss this with him and give his clothes/bankcard back before I leave.
I feel like it will be alot of things left unresolved if I just leave right now without seeing him first. I have asked the clinic if there is a possibility they make an exception for me but they have said no.
I have had 2 thoughts cross my head now -
1st thought - pack all his stuff in a bag, leave a letter and drop it off to the clinic and continue on my path not knowing if I will ever see him again...
2nd thought - Go to the clinic and request to see him, and wait there until I can see him or go to an open anon meeting where I know he will be in Berlin so I can speak with him?
Am I being silly for wanting to see him before I leave and is it really the best option that I just leave without seeing/talking to him or do you think I should try to contact him to tell him I'm leaving etc personally? I am really confused right now and my emotions are all over the place so I cannot trust these or the decisions I'm making right now so I would like an outsider perspective as to what they think would be my best decision for both myself and for him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
Hi Tez, I cannot give advice on so personal a matter. Some things in your narrative stand out to me. Your bf went to a rehab without you knowing. Did you know he was having 'difficulties' with his addiction (?). You were planning to leave for Australia and he just went . To me that seems like the trip was a trigger of some kind. A no contact policy means just that. Going there and waiting- what would you hope to gain? The 'just leave him- he is an addict' is the most rational answer. But your narrative offers few details. Stay safe and do not put your life on hold. Days may turn into weeks, then months- then years. There are a lot of threads here with a lot of stories. Do you have any support meetings you can go to? For friends/family of alcoholics- that is Al-Anon. For your own life you are not his mother. He is an adult and is accountable for what he does- bankcard, clothes, behaviour- everything.
My support and prayers to you. Keep posting. PJ.
My support and prayers to you. Keep posting. PJ.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 10
Hi Phoenix, thank you for your reply.
Yes so to give you more clarity on the situation, We went to Berlin for a holiday, he had been there 2 weeks before me trying to make some money. By the time I got there though he was very high/drunk and in almost psychosis state. He physically assaulted me and I had to call the police. They let him go though and he returned to my hotel door crying and pleading with me so I felt bad and let him in. Unfortunately he started being verbally abusive and saying alot of things that didn't make sense and were scaring me. So I decided to leave him, When he was out I packed his clothes and left them with reception and asked them not to let him through and just give his stuff to him. Unfortunately though, the reception let him through (he can be very manipulating when he needs to be) and he came knocking on my door, I refused to let him in and he ended up busting the door down and throwing me on the ground. Fortunately 3 guys came to my rescue from next door and they called the police so he took off. All he had was the clothes on his back, he had no phone, passport, money and had lost his laptop a day earlier. I left for Amsterdam the next day, I had no idea where he was if he was even alive but I had to leave Berlin for my own safety. 3 days later was when I received the call from the Rehab clinic to tell me he was in rehab.
I have been on this terrible drug journey with him for this past year, we have been together for 1.5 years, we first met in Australia and he had been clean for 2 years previously. He is originally Dutch and when he moved back here to Amsterdam is when it all went wrong...We were planning on going back to Australia together to apparently start a new life and for him to get sober etc again...
I don't really have support here which is why I have decided to move back to Australia still and be with my family. I just wanted a chance to say goodbye before I left I guess, and yea I have no idea what I'm hoping for if I do see him before I leave. I guess I just didn't expect us to end in this dramatic way that it did and wanted a bit more closure for myself before leaving but maybe have to just accept that will not happen.
Oh and this is the first time he has ever hit me, and if he wasn't on drugs or drinking he absolutely wouldn't lay a finger on me. But unfortunately the drugs and alcohol completely change him.
But you are right and yes I probably just need to give his stuff to a friend or someone else and not worry about it as its not my responsibility.
Yes so to give you more clarity on the situation, We went to Berlin for a holiday, he had been there 2 weeks before me trying to make some money. By the time I got there though he was very high/drunk and in almost psychosis state. He physically assaulted me and I had to call the police. They let him go though and he returned to my hotel door crying and pleading with me so I felt bad and let him in. Unfortunately he started being verbally abusive and saying alot of things that didn't make sense and were scaring me. So I decided to leave him, When he was out I packed his clothes and left them with reception and asked them not to let him through and just give his stuff to him. Unfortunately though, the reception let him through (he can be very manipulating when he needs to be) and he came knocking on my door, I refused to let him in and he ended up busting the door down and throwing me on the ground. Fortunately 3 guys came to my rescue from next door and they called the police so he took off. All he had was the clothes on his back, he had no phone, passport, money and had lost his laptop a day earlier. I left for Amsterdam the next day, I had no idea where he was if he was even alive but I had to leave Berlin for my own safety. 3 days later was when I received the call from the Rehab clinic to tell me he was in rehab.
I have been on this terrible drug journey with him for this past year, we have been together for 1.5 years, we first met in Australia and he had been clean for 2 years previously. He is originally Dutch and when he moved back here to Amsterdam is when it all went wrong...We were planning on going back to Australia together to apparently start a new life and for him to get sober etc again...
I don't really have support here which is why I have decided to move back to Australia still and be with my family. I just wanted a chance to say goodbye before I left I guess, and yea I have no idea what I'm hoping for if I do see him before I leave. I guess I just didn't expect us to end in this dramatic way that it did and wanted a bit more closure for myself before leaving but maybe have to just accept that will not happen.
Oh and this is the first time he has ever hit me, and if he wasn't on drugs or drinking he absolutely wouldn't lay a finger on me. But unfortunately the drugs and alcohol completely change him.
But you are right and yes I probably just need to give his stuff to a friend or someone else and not worry about it as its not my responsibility.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
Jeez Tez.... Have no contact with him at all. No texts, facebook, twitter anything. Leave his stuff somewhere safe- but where you are not responsible. Do not tellh im your movements. Do not leave him a message. He broke down a door and assaulted you. Stay safe- walk away- run away and no not look back. Let people know where you are NOT to let him visit, call you- anything No reasons, no apologies no last chances. Zero tolerance- he assaulted you. When you get to Aus- same thing- no contact. Not where you are, not to leave messages with friends. That is dangerous behaviour. Do not get into the co-dependent batter partner syndrome thing.
Keep posting, stay safe and my prayers. Let people around you know. Including your family. Not his .
Keep posting, stay safe and my prayers. Let people around you know. Including your family. Not his .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 10
Thanks for the messages people, I hope I can be strong enough to do all of this. I guess the truth of the matter is that after everything he has put me through I still love him and still want to see him before I go back. I know that I am co-dependant to him, so I suppose writing all of this and reading these posts has me answering my own question in that it is probably the best I don't contact him and I just leave. My heart actually aches just thinking of this concept even though my head is telling me this is for the best. I guess I'm using the 'having all his stuff' 'need to speak with him about his laptop' as an excuse of my desire to see him again to help soothe the ache I feel in my heart right now. I am saddened by my own lack of self-respect that someone could abuse me yet I still miss them and still love them and want to see them and Im still trying to sort things out for them and STILL having the tiniest of hope that maybe they will come back to Australia with me. I want to cry right now as I sit here realizing the truth that is behind my post. I hope I can get through this and be strong. I hope the pain will go away and the tears will be no more. I hope I can laugh again and smile at my future.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, presumably, he will want/need his laptop and personal belongings again. How about shipping it to the clinic, or dropping it off if it is convenient with a letter? Language barrier notwithstanding, I am sure they have experience with such situations. Then go your way. He may contact you after some time, or not. Either way, there is no room for you in his life at the moment, and vice versa. Go home. Live your life. You do not need an addict in it. Peace.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
tezkti......you will laugh, again...you will smile again,,,,,th e pain will go away and the tears will be no more.....
BUT...just not as soon as you want!
Basic Fact: Mother Nature has arranged that humans connect by powerful forces (bonding) that ensure the propagation of the species (the adults stay close together long enough for the offspring to have a better chance of s urvival)......
When you have invested yourself into someone else...and "bonded"....it is enormously painful when that bond is broken..
It has the same intensity whether that person was good for you or not good for you......
Mother Nature has also arranged for us to heal after a major disruption...otherwise our species would not have been around, very l ong.
Healing is necessary....it is called grieving or mourning.....
All mammals have shown signs of mourning loss.....
Morning is the first stage of the healing process......
It is necessary...it is exquiestly painful.....and, it eventually, passes.....
The less contact with the lost object...the overall faster the total mourning gets over with....
My opinion on your current question...to see/talk to him or not....?
I don't think it makes any difference in the relationship....drop the stuff off..or don't. See him, or don't....
I think that there are some more powerful forces at work here...not the least of which is the nature of addiction....
I believe, that for you....to keep your star hitched to this wagon...will take you t rough a lifetime of disappointment and heartache...if you let it.....
Now, I know enough to know that you are going to do whatever you want to do, anyway.....people al ways do...lol.....
By the way...it takes about 6mo. to one year of grieving....depending on individual circumstances for you to feel like it is "past history"......
Just because there is pain...doesn't
t mean that you have made a mistake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT...just not as soon as you want!
Basic Fact: Mother Nature has arranged that humans connect by powerful forces (bonding) that ensure the propagation of the species (the adults stay close together long enough for the offspring to have a better chance of s urvival)......
When you have invested yourself into someone else...and "bonded"....it is enormously painful when that bond is broken..
It has the same intensity whether that person was good for you or not good for you......
Mother Nature has also arranged for us to heal after a major disruption...otherwise our species would not have been around, very l ong.
Healing is necessary....it is called grieving or mourning.....
All mammals have shown signs of mourning loss.....
Morning is the first stage of the healing process......
It is necessary...it is exquiestly painful.....and, it eventually, passes.....
The less contact with the lost object...the overall faster the total mourning gets over with....
My opinion on your current question...to see/talk to him or not....?
I don't think it makes any difference in the relationship....drop the stuff off..or don't. See him, or don't....
I think that there are some more powerful forces at work here...not the least of which is the nature of addiction....
I believe, that for you....to keep your star hitched to this wagon...will take you t rough a lifetime of disappointment and heartache...if you let it.....
Now, I know enough to know that you are going to do whatever you want to do, anyway.....people al ways do...lol.....
By the way...it takes about 6mo. to one year of grieving....depending on individual circumstances for you to feel like it is "past history"......
Just because there is pain...doesn't
t mean that you have made a mistake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
I agree with DL- not a matter of 'mistakes'. If we go down that path- the entire human race to some, was a cosmic mistake. Humans- people have feelings. We use them to guide us on life's journey. A moral compass. You did nothing wrong. To love is not a crime. Feelings of guilt/shame- perhaps when I feel these it is my mind trying to make sense of it all. Grief does that. Pain is the body's way of telling us something is up. All I know for me is emotions/thoughts WILL be heard/felt. They will not be ignored or quietened. You did nothing wrong.
Keep posting. Prayers to you.
Keep posting. Prayers to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we first met in Australia and he had been clean for 2 years previously. He is originally Dutch and when he moved back here to Amsterdam is when it all went wrong...We were planning on going back to Australia together to apparently start a new life and for him to get sober etc again...
this is called doing a geographical......he "tried" Australia, nope got loaded there. back to Amsterdam, nope got even more out of control there. lord only knows how bad it might get if he tried to outrun himself again.
everywhere we go, there we are.
it's truly in YOUR best interests to just go home. alone. he's messed up and needs a lot of help to get sorted out. plus ANY time someone is violent to us, we must not ALLOW it or excuse it.
this is called doing a geographical......he "tried" Australia, nope got loaded there. back to Amsterdam, nope got even more out of control there. lord only knows how bad it might get if he tried to outrun himself again.
everywhere we go, there we are.
it's truly in YOUR best interests to just go home. alone. he's messed up and needs a lot of help to get sorted out. plus ANY time someone is violent to us, we must not ALLOW it or excuse it.
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