Struggling with my decision, advice appreciated :)
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 5
Struggling with my decision, advice appreciated :)
I will try to give the Cliffnote version of living with my alcoholic boyfriend. I moved to PA 3 years ago for grad school from CA and on the way met my boyfriend. We were together for a year and then he bought a house and asked me to move in with him. There were many warning signs to his drinking problem, but I didn't realize the extent of it until we moved in together.
Every holiday we spend together ended with him being wasted causing some kind of explosive fight with me. He was never physically abusive, but very much verbally. He would call me names and tell me to f*** myself. The crazy thing is, he got me to believe that I had done something wrong! After some of his episodes he would turn off his phone and drive, which had me beside myself. When I first confronted him he had said this only happened when he drank hard liquor and he would stop. It didn't...and it was not only when he drank hard liquor. He drank every night, I'm not sure the extent because I was always lied to about how much he was actually drinking. He finally came clean that he had a problem and he needed my help, but he asked me not to tell any family or friends. For 8 months I tried to take care of him and help him. I warned him many times that if he drank once more and treated me like ****, I was gone. And of course, he got many tries before I actually got the courage to leave. He never even tried to help himself, he went to one meeting and would tell me he was fine having one beer and that he had control over his problem and he always had an excuse as to why he was drinking. And I was the one who was repeatedly punished for it. Nothing I seemed to do could make him happy, I could never do enough. I was ridiculed for not doing enough around the house, or having the laundry done fast enough, or not walking the dog enough. Anything to pick a fight with me.
Being from CA, I had no family close. I would sometimes get in my car and drive aimlessly with no where to go wondering what I was doing with my life, what I was doing for him. I made so many sacrifices to be with him, yet he had 0 respect for me. So this week, I got in my car and started driving back to CA. I told him I was leaving and he begged and pleaded I stay and that he needed me to get better. He promised to get real help. He even asked if we could just live separate and he would fix himself. I stayed strong and left a note the next day and had everything out of the house.
I am now so heartbroken wondering if I made the right decision? When will this hole in my stomach go away? Should I tell his family about his problem?
Every holiday we spend together ended with him being wasted causing some kind of explosive fight with me. He was never physically abusive, but very much verbally. He would call me names and tell me to f*** myself. The crazy thing is, he got me to believe that I had done something wrong! After some of his episodes he would turn off his phone and drive, which had me beside myself. When I first confronted him he had said this only happened when he drank hard liquor and he would stop. It didn't...and it was not only when he drank hard liquor. He drank every night, I'm not sure the extent because I was always lied to about how much he was actually drinking. He finally came clean that he had a problem and he needed my help, but he asked me not to tell any family or friends. For 8 months I tried to take care of him and help him. I warned him many times that if he drank once more and treated me like ****, I was gone. And of course, he got many tries before I actually got the courage to leave. He never even tried to help himself, he went to one meeting and would tell me he was fine having one beer and that he had control over his problem and he always had an excuse as to why he was drinking. And I was the one who was repeatedly punished for it. Nothing I seemed to do could make him happy, I could never do enough. I was ridiculed for not doing enough around the house, or having the laundry done fast enough, or not walking the dog enough. Anything to pick a fight with me.
Being from CA, I had no family close. I would sometimes get in my car and drive aimlessly with no where to go wondering what I was doing with my life, what I was doing for him. I made so many sacrifices to be with him, yet he had 0 respect for me. So this week, I got in my car and started driving back to CA. I told him I was leaving and he begged and pleaded I stay and that he needed me to get better. He promised to get real help. He even asked if we could just live separate and he would fix himself. I stayed strong and left a note the next day and had everything out of the house.
I am now so heartbroken wondering if I made the right decision? When will this hole in my stomach go away? Should I tell his family about his problem?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Providence, welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here, and glad you had the strength and courage to get out of a very unhealthy situation. Many of us put up w/that sort of life for years, even decades--add "smart" to "strong" and "brave"!
It sounds to me as if you absolutely did the right thing, the best thing you could do for BOTH of you. Second-guessing yourself is a really normal thing to do under the circumstances, but it does NOT mean you were wrong.
I hope you can take some time and read around the forum. There are many common threads in these stories, and I'm sure you'll see yourself and XABF in some of them.
Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--there is a ton of useful info there. Educating yourself about alcoholism will go a long way towards easing any doubts or guilt that you have right now. It will also expose your XABF's BS for what it is. He does NOT need "your help" to get sober; this is nothing but manipulation to keep you around, so don't waste one second feeling bad about "abandoning" him when he "needs" you.
Again, welcome to SR. I look forward to hearing more from you, Providence.
It sounds to me as if you absolutely did the right thing, the best thing you could do for BOTH of you. Second-guessing yourself is a really normal thing to do under the circumstances, but it does NOT mean you were wrong.
I hope you can take some time and read around the forum. There are many common threads in these stories, and I'm sure you'll see yourself and XABF in some of them.
Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--there is a ton of useful info there. Educating yourself about alcoholism will go a long way towards easing any doubts or guilt that you have right now. It will also expose your XABF's BS for what it is. He does NOT need "your help" to get sober; this is nothing but manipulation to keep you around, so don't waste one second feeling bad about "abandoning" him when he "needs" you.
Again, welcome to SR. I look forward to hearing more from you, Providence.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
You totally did the right thing. You stuck up for yourself to *not* be treated with disrespect, lied to, verbally abused. Good for you!
Fine, now he is free to do that. He has to "fix himself" for HIM, not for you.
For these holidays, you may be kind of shell shocked and sad but you won't be in any explosive fights and won't be told to go f yourself. Remember that when you start to question your wise decision.
God bless!
He even asked if we could just live separate and he would fix himself.
For these holidays, you may be kind of shell shocked and sad but you won't be in any explosive fights and won't be told to go f yourself. Remember that when you start to question your wise decision.
God bless!
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
I was once in a similar situation and also left.
Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. If he wants to get sober badly enough, he will, no matter what you or anyone else does or doesn't do.
Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. If he wants to get sober badly enough, he will, no matter what you or anyone else does or doesn't do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 30
Getting out of an abusive and toxic environment is the right move. You can't help him get better, only he can do that. You can help yourself, though, and you made the first step. I don't know when the heartache and pain will go away, but I do know it never will if you allow yourself to be mistreated.
Sending you hope for continued strength and peace.
Sending you hope for continued strength and peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,663
I was him. My family are damaged enough now. I respect and leave them be. He has to do the same- if he truly does care. You did the right, the only thing you could. Logic and emotion are not happy partners sometimes. You have a life- you are not mummy and need to stay safe and get on with your life.. Stay out of telling his family, I am sure they know anyway. Look after your self. Prayers, PJ.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
You did the right thing. I know it's hard at first but you need to think of yourself first... if he gets help, it will take loong time before he gets better. Also, the statistics say, most people don't change.
I'm sorry that you had this experience x take care.
I'm sorry that you had this experience x take care.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
You did the right thing and with time, you will be filled with relief to be out of that relationship.
Sending you a hug.
P.S. I hope you have the dog?
Sending you a hug.
P.S. I hope you have the dog?
Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-25-2016 at 11:48 AM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
