thousandwords53

I can tell we are about to have a blowup. We've been in a honeymoon period since my last thread. I knew that's what it was but I've enjoyed it. Let it ride. Why not, it's Christmas time.

Well the tension has been building as this is pay day week, and next week is a work cut off date, so that means it's time to stress and drink and be a grump a$$. I stay and listened to him vent about how small this paycheck is going to be for 2 hours last night. Round and round repeating himself. I do my best to pat his back, reassure him etc... Does no good.

So I can tell he's picking a fight. We are trying to complete a bankruptcy, just another fun detail of my life, but we can't qualify for chapter 7 because of our income. We have to file 13, and pay quite a bit for 5 years. We have been trying to avoid that because we really will be struggling. We've tried for a year to reduce our income, I have stayed part time, I've asked him to cut back on so much overtime. ..well He never does. And here we are waiting for finances to work out and really we just wasted time. Anyways --- he keeps saying "I'm going to call that stupid b____ . See what the hold up is?"

I remind him she's a very competent attorney, and is waiting for US. I am the one who has not proceeded, and she is just waiting for us to decide. I was going to submit the filing fee and paperwork last month, but I waited because work slowed down quite a bit and I felt like this might be the month we could qualify.

Last night he insisted I give him her number. I said I didn't have it saved in my phone, I just Google her and call that way or call from work and she's in my work computer. He gets nasty mean at me and looks hers up. I have to spell her name 40 times until he gets it. Grrr. So he wakes me up this morning when he leaves for work to confirm that payday is terrible and he's calling that attorney today so he can take care of business. Ok good for you go for it.

I am just so frustrated because he doesn't listen to me. At all. I've told him she's waiting on us. He's going to call, and she will say the reason it hasn't happened yet, is because I'm waiting on your wife to finalize your side. He's calling to chew her out, when I've explained it over and over. I just know he's going to to use this as the fuel for a blow up. I know it. I hope I'm wrong but I never am. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. It's a hot topic, a hot point, and for some reason he has focused in on this.

FireSprite

Is it worth pre-emptively emailing her to give her a heads up that he's being irrational & that you have explained this to him multiple times? Not at all about stepping in front of his consequences, but about having respect for her & your professional relationship?

thousandwords53

FS, thank you. I was thinking of doing that. And was going to ask if it would be beneficial if we got a divorce then filed. Lol. Jk

Ariesagain

Hey, why jk?

FireSprite

I'd ask - you never know!

thousandwords53

I did email her. I didn't ask, but might actually if she replies. They might be in vacation for the holiday I dunno.

AnvilheadII

google Divorce Bankruptcy which comes first. i'm not sure i can share the link i found but the group is NOLO.

thousandwords53

Ok. So she replied to my initial email. Just and "ok, thanks" basically. Then I did ask her, just between her and I, on the timing of divorce and Bk in our situation. We shall see what she says. And fist pumps from me over here- kind of getting things done haha.
You guys are awesome.

knowthetriggers

He won't ever listen to you until he is in recovery. Speaking from my personal experience at this very moment.....my AH is sober, yes, recovered...not even close. He still has his old behaviors and he himself won't listen as it is his natural defense to be, well defensive and make a big deal about it and argue, etc.....

The biggest hurdle for me at times like this is to stay quiet and not feed into HIS drama.

Stay strong

KTT

thousandwords53

Thank you. And yes especially that ^^^
Being aware of his habits and antics and knowing I can trust my judgment...it's hard for me to stay quiet. To nod and smile. I'm screaming inside.

dandylion

thousandwords.....it is hard...HARD....to live with a person who is behaving like this.
Even if you had the patience of a saint....and your middle name was "Alanon"......
it would still be hard.
If you were able to tolerate it ...and, not recoil, inside....THAT would be sick.....

In the cycle of abuse....it is the honeymoon periods that allow the abuser to get by with what they do.....
If they were bad from day one, and, all the time, almost no one would want to stay with them for even a little while.....
Abusers know what they can get by with...and, with whom....

thousandwords53

I know Dandy. I have been told by others that I am so patient, and that I handle myself well under stress. In the work place for example. They don't know that I use that to survive in my daily life. My patience has become unhealthy and let's me minimize the abuse. I am intelligent and would advise anyone else against living this way. My logical brain reminds me what I need to do about this.

It's like I know where I'm at. I know where I want to be. But I get frozen in actually doing the yucky stuff I have to do to get there. I'm avoiding the pain and hurt.

SmallButMighty

Are you though?

*hugs*

Thumper

"The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

When I was stuck I had so much help from a personal counselor. Something to think about.

dandylion

thousand words.......

Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com

This website might give you some encouragement, or get you to thinking.....

hearthealth

My husband is trying to throw a temper tantrum also. I have stayed quiet and not fueled it all. The whole time time saying what a j***, to myself. I have done back flips and he doesn't care. It is always about him. It won't matter what I say he won't get it. Stay calm and strong.

ladyscribbler

Take care TW and HH. I remember those times. When my ex wanted a fight, there was going to be a fight, whatever anyone else did or said. None of that Al-Anon "you may be right" or "mmmhmmm" business. The holidays always brought out the worst in my ex and could sometimes be downright dangerous whether he got his fight or not.

Please don't be scared or embarrassed to ask for help. Don't worry that you're bothering anyone or overreacting by calling for help. Emergency services and the DV hotline are there for that purpose and so is SR. Many Alano clubs also have open family meetings and gatherings for the holidays if you just need to get yourself and your kids out of the house for a few hours without drama or expense.

Wishing everyone a safe and happy holiday.

NYCDoglvr

My ex used to complain constantly until I learned to walk away when he started. Another room, out of the apartment, wherever, to not have to listen to the pointless diatribe.

FeelingGreat

1000, I'm sorry this is blowing up around Christmas. You deserve a break. Would telling him you know he's building to a blowup and you'd rather he got rid of the tension some other way, do anything at all? You've probably tried it.

It does sound like he has an anxiety disorder. Unfortunately he's giving you one as well.

thousandwords53

Thank you all for the replies.
He never did call the lady, all that threatening and accusing, me being a whacko and emailing our attorney. Oy.

Oh well, I know something is up. I will just be prepared to adapt the weekend to still enjoy it. I might take the kids to the movies tomorrow and/or go for a Christmas light scouting mission

He does have some sort of disorder. 10+ years ago he was prescribed Zoloft, but the doctor ended his rx refill when he refused to go to counseling to get to the bottom of it. So he started bumming meds from his mom....mixed that with alcohol, now he just drinks.