Beachbum09

How do I make a super long story short? Okay so first off I dated this guy for two years from 18 years old to 20. We broke up here and there, but he was my first love. We always had arguments about his behavior and I once caught him snorting pain killers in his bathroom and obviously called him out. We broke up many a time due to me "mommying" him as he would say. Anyways he broke up with me for the last time on my sisters wedding day (awful I know) and started dating another girl within weeks, probably to fill the void. They dated for a year.. and then him and I started talking again this year in August. He told me he loved me, wanted to be with me and that I was and will always be "the one". However he said he wanted to stay with his current girlfriend until we graduated when he was ready for a serious serious relationship. Here comes the drug use. He had been selling and taking cocaine, Xanax, opiates and marijuana the entire time. He had unreal mood swings, wanted me one day and then hated and yelled at me the next. It has been five months of I love you, and then him saying I hate you. So last week he got into a car accident and got a dui. He called me from jail (and I'm the only one he called since he broke up with his gf the week before). I was 100% there for him when no one else was. The difference between me and her is she is a "yes" girl, she doesn't call him out for his misbehavior bwcause she's scared to lose him whereas I do for his well being. Fast workers to today and he's been in detox for a week and is headed to rehab out of state tomorrow. He got back together with his girlfriend four days ago... literally two weeks after he asked me out too but I told him he needed to get his act together first and then I would. I talked to him for the first time in a week on the phone today and he couldn't have been meaner. He simply said "you are my EX why are you calling?" Even though we've been talking for months and I've caught him when he fell at least twenty times whether he was too sick on the drugs or drinking. I just feel so used. I can't believe he would treat me like so when I've been nothing but there for him. I'm the one girl who has been stabbed in the back by him so many times yet when he needed me, I was there. Two weeks ago we were basically dating, then all of a sudden he turns the tables is dating the other girl and acts like he doesn't even know me. Even his family begged me to call him in rehab because they loved me so much and know how much I care. He acted like he didn't even know me and then hungup the phone. I guess I'm just looking for some justification for his answers as I feel so insecure right now about his actions and my reaction.

Refiner

Hi, BB... sorry for what brings you here, but man - you found the right place! You're trying to find answers or justification to how he treats you? Sorry, you're not going to find any with an addict and a user as he is. Find the silver lining... you are only 20 years old, this is your first "real" relationship, and you can just walk away from his craziness! Be glad you're not finding yourself 20 years DOWN THE ROAD with this guy. Quit thinking about people "as long as I am XYZ to them, they will be XYZ to me". That's not how the world works in most instances, unfortunately. I know it hurts right now, but given some distance and time, you WILL look back on this relatively short relationship episode and say "WHEW, did I dodge a bullet!!!" PS: keep reading... you will find the horror stories of those who didn't leave and continued to "try to understand their addict because it just seems so unfair".

Hechosedrugs

Below is some straight talk. It's my take on the situation. Take it or leave it, or if you're in too fragile a state, you may want to skip it entirely.

"Anyways he broke up with me for the last time on my sisters wedding day (awful I know) and started dating another girl within weeks, probably to fill the void."

Careful. You're trying to get inside an addict's head. That's not a place you want to be. It also sounds like you're romanticizing, because you'd like to think that he was brokenhearted about your breakup. Addicts don't think like normal people. Their emotions are covered up. They're having fun! Wheee! Onto the next adventure! I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's much more likely that he moved on to another girl because he was horny than that he did so because he was missing you.


"However he said he wanted to stay with his current girlfriend until we graduated when he was ready for a serious serious relationship."

Sounds a lot more like he's already in a serious relationship with HER.

"He called me from jail (and I'm the only one he called since he broke up with his gf the week before)."

How do you know all this? Because he said so? Addicts lie. What if he called you because he didn't want his girlfriend to know he got arrested?

"The difference between me and her is she is a "yes" girl, she doesn't call him out for his misbehavior because she's scared to lose him whereas I do for his well being. Fast workers to today and he's been in detox for a week and is headed to rehab out of state tomorrow. He got back together with his girlfriend four days ago... literally two weeks after he asked me out too but I told him he needed to get his act together first and then I would."

What if she's not a "yes" girl? What if she is calling him out, and that's the reason for their constant breakups?

"I talked to him for the first time in a week on the phone today and he couldn't have been meaner. He simply said "you are my EX why are you calling?" "

That sounds soooo much like something a man would do if his girlfriend is sitting right beside him.

"I'm the one girl who has been stabbed in the back by him so many times yet when he needed me, I was there. Two weeks ago we were basically dating, then all of a sudden he turns the tables is dating the other girl and acts like he doesn't even know me."

I'd be willing to bet that he cycles through the same behavior with her, and that she is left wondering, "Why does he keep going back to this girl, when he says he loves me?"

It sounds like both of you are getting a bum deal with him.

NewRomanMan

Beachbum09, there's an old saying that goes "Addicts don't have relationships. They take hostages". And it's true. Please don't get sucked up into the insanity of his active addiction. Let go and move on, for your own sake.

hopepraylove

Beachbum,

Here is some honest perspective and gentle suggestions:
1. You deserve much better than this. It is out there.
2. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you. Is this the kind of partner you want to share that life with?
3. You sound like you're suffering with your own sense of codependency and needing to be "wanted and needed." I suggest looking at "Codependent No More."
4. Change your phone number, block him on Social Media, don't take his calls. Go NO CONTACT.
5. Consider getting to an Al Anon meeting

Many of us have been there. Sending love and courage to you for you to make the hard, but necessary choices moving forward. XO

AnvilheadII

he's treated you with immense disrespect, as if you are a toy he can pick or set down when it suits him. there are red flags flying all over the place - not only drug addiction, but his lack of fidelity to you.

being there 100% for someone doesn't guarantee we "get" the prize. more likely they will just take what we offer til we are all used up. we don't EARN love.

Refiner

And I'm sorry, but THIS. SERIOUSLY? What a putz. Jumping from woman to woman... whoever will have him. Geesh.

Beachbum09

I know right. Unbelievable. He manipulated me so very well. He said I'm the love of his life he would date me when he was ready for a marriage type relationship. He kept saying he loved her but she wasn't the one, I was. And now they're back together....

Ann

BB, you deserve better than this. Learn from this and move forward a little wiser for the journey. You hold the key to your happiness, not him or anyone else.

Hugs

zoso77

In healthy relationships, this does not happen.

But what happens when we're in an unhealthy relationship? That's simple to explain.

Most of us, if not all of us, have a predisposition to want to help and support those we love, especially when that person is a significant other or a spouse. So we give our love and our support, and we think that if we love and support the addict just enough, the addict will somehow turn things around.

Only it doesn't work that way, and yet most of us here continued to love and support the addict in spite of a growing mountain of evidence that it doesn't matter if we love and support the addict. Why?

Because addicts are going to do whatever it is they do whether or not we're in their lives or not.

And THAT, Beachbum, is the hardest thing you're going to have to accept.

In time, you will come to appreciate that you can still love someone and recognize at the same time they are bad for us. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation...

AnvilheadII

He said I'm the love of his life

remember when they told us there was a Santa Claus?

they didn't mean it, it just sounded nice at the time.

we suggest here on SR that instead of listening to their words, we look at their ACTIONS.

Sara21

Trying to understand an active addict is like trying to rationalize something that is irrational. You end up feeling so frustrated that you're tempted to bang your head against a wall (at least I was).

It's very likely that he will contact you in the near future and tell you things you want to hear. Please remember that it's all about HIM and what HE wants and when HE wants it. I know it sounds harsh, but chances are he'll just be using you again. Prepare for it, be ready and don't let him fool you. You deserve better. Someone that truly cares about you will not use you for their own selfish reasons.

Take this as an opportunity to do some honest self reflection. I had to be very honest about my ex, but also about my own role in that toxic relationship. I wanted to make it a learning experience so that I wouldn't continue making the same mistakes with different people in my life.

I know it sucks right now, but believe me, it gets better. Please stay strong and take care of yourself.

Beachbum09

You are amazing, thank you! Hearing everyone's encouraging words is really helping me move forward. I'll be ready when he contacts me and will have moved onto better things at that point in my life.

Ariesagain

Good for you!!!

You're so lucky to be so wise so young...you have much better days ahead.

mkr86

Better days are coming for you. You're young, intelligent & deserving of love. Stay focused & you will be ok. Read lots on this board, it helps me through my darkest times <3

teatreeoil007

This guy is just plain bad news. Stay away from him. You've already been hurt. But be warned: he could hurt you even more. I know you don't want to be hurt, do you? I'd hate to have that happen to you....

Refiner

How's it going, BB? Have you been able to stay away from his manipulation? I hope things are going well for you.

Beachbum09

It's going well! Thank you my family never liked him for the way he has treated me the last four years of my life. So I finally started realizing there's probably a very good reason my family doesn't like him. He hasn't tried to contact me probably because he is in rehab. However his mom called me and simply apologized. She said he told her he's been mean to me because he can't have me in his life if he wants his girlfriend around which is great for him to realize however to play me and use me the past five months is unreal. Everything was a lie. All the I love you'd, the I want to be with you not her and the "you're the one". I'm moving on to someone who treats me with respect, and someone who doesn't lie to me.

Lovemyson101

Because we believe paradoxically that we are omnipotent and can control the action of other people if only we say the right words or do the right thing.
Because often, secretly, we feel we deserve this treatment, or at have to put up with it because we have a very deep need to take care of (=try to control) other people.

JimC60

Beachbum09,

AnvilheadII hit it right on the head......"we suggest here on SR that instead of listening to their words, we look at their ACTIONS."

Looking at his actions only, forgeting his words, you would have been gone long ago.

Good for you for finally having moved on! My daughter had to do much the same thing which was not easy, but she is w-a-y better off now.

Keep coming back,

Jim