Again again again again
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Again again again again
Here I am again. ...again again again... there has to be something else I can try to want to give up this drinking malarkey and make it stick. .. there is a real good chance I won't live to see my kids grow up and I don't know how to stop drinking to save myself. I cannot save myself. .. no one came save me.... there for this sad crap drinking game will just have to play itself to the end I guess.
Saturday 10 pints, Monday 6, Wednesday 8 ..... I ache with poison. Yet happy Xmas let's drink to death.....people seem to like me and I have a good job , many friends, most of whom drink too much too. I live in a small village in a rural place .... there is no help here. I need to find it in me and I can not.
Sorry guys. ... I couldn't think of anywhere else to go; I have tried and failed before on here and u must all roll your eyes and think get your crap together person....... I am just a loser to the booze. Any advice gratefully received. .. and so sorry to everyone who has tried to help me before and I have failed .. ..... maybe I should just accept my early death. I have spent so long mired in the thought of it that to be honest it's all planned and almost rationalised. But a part of me still wants to live, love and have a future ....... jeez..... sorry to everyone !
I pause to post this and I feel I am belittling everyone's efforts and sober life when I can't do it myself.... I don't want my failure and misery to drag u down. Hmmmm. ... oh well, here goes....
Saturday 10 pints, Monday 6, Wednesday 8 ..... I ache with poison. Yet happy Xmas let's drink to death.....people seem to like me and I have a good job , many friends, most of whom drink too much too. I live in a small village in a rural place .... there is no help here. I need to find it in me and I can not.
Sorry guys. ... I couldn't think of anywhere else to go; I have tried and failed before on here and u must all roll your eyes and think get your crap together person....... I am just a loser to the booze. Any advice gratefully received. .. and so sorry to everyone who has tried to help me before and I have failed .. ..... maybe I should just accept my early death. I have spent so long mired in the thought of it that to be honest it's all planned and almost rationalised. But a part of me still wants to live, love and have a future ....... jeez..... sorry to everyone !
I pause to post this and I feel I am belittling everyone's efforts and sober life when I can't do it myself.... I don't want my failure and misery to drag u down. Hmmmm. ... oh well, here goes....
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Enfin sorry to hear you are struggling but glad you made it back.
The only thing that worked for me was realising that whilst I too had so many friends all of whom drank and drugged way too much that being around them was only going to mean I kept returning to my old ways, doesn't matter where you live you can live your own life how you want to live it not how others deem fit for you or putting their interests before your own.
We all definitely like you and you helped me so much last year and over the early months with some wise words which I appreciate and thankful you were around at the time.
Now you're back here stick around and let us try and help you out.
first things first though we both know that the drinking needs to stop.
The only thing that worked for me was realising that whilst I too had so many friends all of whom drank and drugged way too much that being around them was only going to mean I kept returning to my old ways, doesn't matter where you live you can live your own life how you want to live it not how others deem fit for you or putting their interests before your own.
We all definitely like you and you helped me so much last year and over the early months with some wise words which I appreciate and thankful you were around at the time.
Now you're back here stick around and let us try and help you out.
first things first though we both know that the drinking needs to stop.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by RedAndy 
Enfin sorry to hear you are struggling but glad you made it back.
The only thing that worked for me was realising that whilst I too had so many friends all of whom drank and drugged way too much that being around them was only going to mean I kept returning to my old ways.
We all definitely like you and you helped me so much last year and over the early months with some wise words which I appreciate and thankful you were around at the time.
Now you're back here stick around and let us try and help you out.
first things first though we both know that the drinking needs to stop.
The only thing that worked for me was realising that whilst I too had so many friends all of whom drank and drugged way too much that being around them was only going to mean I kept returning to my old ways.
We all definitely like you and you helped me so much last year and over the early months with some wise words which I appreciate and thankful you were around at the time.
Now you're back here stick around and let us try and help you out.
first things first though we both know that the drinking needs to stop.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by Outonthetiles
I remember that level of pessimism, not all that long ago, either. You've got a lot of comments built up. You know the steps you have to take for this to work.
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Originally Posted by Outonthetiles
You have to ghost your friends and take this seriously. This sh!t is deadly serious, it's nothing play around with. Treat it like a mission.
I just don't think I can be a sober me.... I have always drank and it defines me .... I think that's a crap excuse even as I type it. ..........
I'm tired of thinking 'today I won't drink, I just do the even want to' then ending up drinking 10 pints.... just so predictable!
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Not a valid excuse. Drinking defined me too. I was good at it and I was pretty proud of my ability to handle pretty big amounts. I was the bachelor party guy all my married friends called when they wanted to cut loose. It dawned on me that I was being used and that being the party guy on weekends was a role I was no longer willing to play. I redefined my relationship with my friends and they had to change to suit me or they were ejected from my life, and good riddance. You can do the same thing.
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Originally Posted by Outonthetiles
Not a valid excuse. Drinking defined me too. I was good at it and I was pretty proud of my ability to handle pretty big amounts. I was the bachelor party guy all my married friends called when they wanted to cut loose. It dawned on me that I was being used and that being the party guy on weekends was a role I was no longer willing to play. I redefined my relationship with my friends and they had to change to suit me or they were ejected from my life, and good riddance. You can do the same thing.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Got to agree with Outonthetiles Enfin, time to really stand up to this, you can't keep going round in circles and ending up back at this point.
There is another way and believe me, it is a much better way to live your life - if i can do it then so can you - every faith in you but you really need to believe in yourself and make the decision that no matter what you are going to put a stop to the not so merry go round that you are currently on.
You can do this
There is another way and believe me, it is a much better way to live your life - if i can do it then so can you - every faith in you but you really need to believe in yourself and make the decision that no matter what you are going to put a stop to the not so merry go round that you are currently on.
You can do this
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
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Originally Posted by RedAndy
Got to agree with Outonthetiles Enfin, time to really stand up to this, you can't keep going round in circles and ending up back at this point.
There is another way and believe me, it is a much better way to live your life - if i can do it then so can you - every faith in you but you really need to believe in yourself and make the decision that no matter what you are going to put a stop to the not so merry go round that you are currently on.
You can do this
There is another way and believe me, it is a much better way to live your life - if i can do it then so can you - every faith in you but you really need to believe in yourself and make the decision that no matter what you are going to put a stop to the not so merry go round that you are currently on.
You can do this
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,597
enfinthechange, you don't like yourself because you've got a bunch of chemicals in your brain right now making you think that way. When I was at my lowest, I hated myself and there were times I didn't want to live. Give your brain a chance to clear and you'll see your self confidence come back.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
13 months down the line you know what i haven't stepped foot in a pub - there's a local around the corner - i have no reason to go in there anymore - do i miss it ? at first yes now - can't think of anything more boring or futile than standing there chatting rubbish all night getting hammered then waking up the following day feeling like crap and repeat and repeat.
There's more to life than socialising in the pub - much more.
There's more to life than socialising in the pub - much more.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Enfin,
I have definitely been where you are, and it is an awful feeling. I joined SR in 2012, and struggled with sobriety until January 1, 2016. I would stop drinking for varying amounts of time, the longest being three months, and slowly convinced myself that I could moderate my drinking. I would always start out thinking I can have one or two drinks, and then stop. Howeve, my moderation soon became an obsession of how much, how often, and usually I said screw it and drank more than I had set out to. Soon I would find myself back into my original pattern of daily drinking. I justified it by thinking I work hard, then get the kids where they need to go, so I deserve a drink to unwind, however, my unwinding was a bottle or more of wine, and definitely left me feeling lousy the next morning.
Last NYE I was at a family party and somewhere into my umpteenth glass of champagne I thought " I need to stop, this has to be it." I woke up the morning of January 1st with an awful hangover, and muddled through the day.
I started reading and posting on here daily, I had found that in the past when I became less active in SR drinking again was not far behind. I focused on the idea of recovery and making me the healthiest, and best possible version of myself one step at a time. I didn't attend meetings, this site was , and is , the biggest tool I have in recovery. I joined the January 2016 class, it wasn't the first class I joined, but the first one I have stuck with, and I still check in there daily. I also check into the 24 hour thread daily. I read others threads, and I take something from each story of struggle, and success, and try to offer some words of support, or congratulations to the poster. I read daily, both recovery, and non recovery books, I enjoy taking my kids to activities and watching them, in the past I would be annoyed that it was cutting into my drinking time. I hike, and do yoga, although I had knee surgery today, so I'm going to be on a short hiatus.
The first few weeks I scheduled every moment of my free time, took a few fun online classes in addition to some of the above. I also got back in the habit of reading either an article, or book that helps me continue to grow in my professional knowledge. Most of my drinking took place at home, on my own, or with my husband, so I didn't have the friend issue you do. I did however, avoid any work functions, and even a few family functions in the beginning because I just wasn't ready to be around alcohol.
You can do this, start with a new day one tomorrow, and you will find those days gradually start to add up. If you feel you need more support than this site, look into the possibility of rehab, intensive outpatient, or meetings (there are many different options).
I'm looking forward to seeing you in here often, and following your journey.
❤️ Delilah
I have definitely been where you are, and it is an awful feeling. I joined SR in 2012, and struggled with sobriety until January 1, 2016. I would stop drinking for varying amounts of time, the longest being three months, and slowly convinced myself that I could moderate my drinking. I would always start out thinking I can have one or two drinks, and then stop. Howeve, my moderation soon became an obsession of how much, how often, and usually I said screw it and drank more than I had set out to. Soon I would find myself back into my original pattern of daily drinking. I justified it by thinking I work hard, then get the kids where they need to go, so I deserve a drink to unwind, however, my unwinding was a bottle or more of wine, and definitely left me feeling lousy the next morning.
Last NYE I was at a family party and somewhere into my umpteenth glass of champagne I thought " I need to stop, this has to be it." I woke up the morning of January 1st with an awful hangover, and muddled through the day.
I started reading and posting on here daily, I had found that in the past when I became less active in SR drinking again was not far behind. I focused on the idea of recovery and making me the healthiest, and best possible version of myself one step at a time. I didn't attend meetings, this site was , and is , the biggest tool I have in recovery. I joined the January 2016 class, it wasn't the first class I joined, but the first one I have stuck with, and I still check in there daily. I also check into the 24 hour thread daily. I read others threads, and I take something from each story of struggle, and success, and try to offer some words of support, or congratulations to the poster. I read daily, both recovery, and non recovery books, I enjoy taking my kids to activities and watching them, in the past I would be annoyed that it was cutting into my drinking time. I hike, and do yoga, although I had knee surgery today, so I'm going to be on a short hiatus.
The first few weeks I scheduled every moment of my free time, took a few fun online classes in addition to some of the above. I also got back in the habit of reading either an article, or book that helps me continue to grow in my professional knowledge. Most of my drinking took place at home, on my own, or with my husband, so I didn't have the friend issue you do. I did however, avoid any work functions, and even a few family functions in the beginning because I just wasn't ready to be around alcohol.
You can do this, start with a new day one tomorrow, and you will find those days gradually start to add up. If you feel you need more support than this site, look into the possibility of rehab, intensive outpatient, or meetings (there are many different options).
I'm looking forward to seeing you in here often, and following your journey.
❤️ Delilah
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
No need to beat yourself up enfin. You're not a bad person 
I suspect you need a better recovery plan thats all.
You need to commit to change, follow that commitment through with action. If you need support you have to use it when you need it.
Have you seen this link before?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
I suspect you need a better recovery plan thats all.
You need to commit to change, follow that commitment through with action. If you need support you have to use it when you need it.
Have you seen this link before?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by Delilah1
Hi Enfin,
I have definitely been where you are, and it is an awful feeling. I joined SR in 2012, and struggled with sobriety until January 1, 2016. I would stop drinking for varying amounts of time, the longest being three months, and slowly convinced myself that I could moderate my drinking. I would always start out thinking I can have one or two drinks, and then stop. Howeve, my moderation soon became an obsession of how much, how often, and usually I said screw it and drank more than I had set out to. Soon I would find myself back into my original pattern of daily drinking. I justified it by thinking I work hard, then get the kids where they need to go, so I deserve a drink to unwind, however, my unwinding was a bottle or more of wine, and definitely left me feeling lousy the next morning.
Last NYE I was at a family party and somewhere into my umpteenth glass of champagne I thought " I need to stop, this has to be it." I woke up the morning of January 1st with an awful hangover, and muddled through the day.
I started reading and posting on here daily, I had found that in the past when I became less active in SR drinking again was not far behind. I focused on the idea of recovery and making me the healthiest, and best possible version of myself one step at a time. I didn't attend meetings, this site was , and is , the biggest tool I have in recovery. I joined the January 2016 class, it wasn't the first class I joined, but the first one I have stuck with, and I still check in there daily. I also check into the 24 hour thread daily. I read others threads, and I take something from each story of struggle, and success, and try to offer some words of support, or congratulations to the poster. I read daily, both recovery, and non recovery books, I enjoy taking my kids to activities and watching them, in the past I would be annoyed that it was cutting into my drinking time. I hike, and do yoga, although I had knee surgery today, so I'm going to be on a short hiatus.
The first few weeks I scheduled every moment of my free time, took a few fun online classes in addition to some of the above. I also got back in the habit of reading either an article, or book that helps me continue to grow in my professional knowledge. Most of my drinking took place at home, on my own, or with my husband, so I didn't have the friend issue you do. I did however, avoid any work functions, and even a few family functions in the beginning because I just wasn't ready to be around alcohol.
You can do this, start with a new day one tomorrow, and you will find those days gradually start to add up. If you feel you need more support than this site, look into the possibility of rehab, intensive outpatient, or meetings (there are many different options).
I'm looking forward to seeing you in here often, and following your journey.
❤️ Delilah
I have definitely been where you are, and it is an awful feeling. I joined SR in 2012, and struggled with sobriety until January 1, 2016. I would stop drinking for varying amounts of time, the longest being three months, and slowly convinced myself that I could moderate my drinking. I would always start out thinking I can have one or two drinks, and then stop. Howeve, my moderation soon became an obsession of how much, how often, and usually I said screw it and drank more than I had set out to. Soon I would find myself back into my original pattern of daily drinking. I justified it by thinking I work hard, then get the kids where they need to go, so I deserve a drink to unwind, however, my unwinding was a bottle or more of wine, and definitely left me feeling lousy the next morning.
Last NYE I was at a family party and somewhere into my umpteenth glass of champagne I thought " I need to stop, this has to be it." I woke up the morning of January 1st with an awful hangover, and muddled through the day.
I started reading and posting on here daily, I had found that in the past when I became less active in SR drinking again was not far behind. I focused on the idea of recovery and making me the healthiest, and best possible version of myself one step at a time. I didn't attend meetings, this site was , and is , the biggest tool I have in recovery. I joined the January 2016 class, it wasn't the first class I joined, but the first one I have stuck with, and I still check in there daily. I also check into the 24 hour thread daily. I read others threads, and I take something from each story of struggle, and success, and try to offer some words of support, or congratulations to the poster. I read daily, both recovery, and non recovery books, I enjoy taking my kids to activities and watching them, in the past I would be annoyed that it was cutting into my drinking time. I hike, and do yoga, although I had knee surgery today, so I'm going to be on a short hiatus.
The first few weeks I scheduled every moment of my free time, took a few fun online classes in addition to some of the above. I also got back in the habit of reading either an article, or book that helps me continue to grow in my professional knowledge. Most of my drinking took place at home, on my own, or with my husband, so I didn't have the friend issue you do. I did however, avoid any work functions, and even a few family functions in the beginning because I just wasn't ready to be around alcohol.
You can do this, start with a new day one tomorrow, and you will find those days gradually start to add up. If you feel you need more support than this site, look into the possibility of rehab, intensive outpatient, or meetings (there are many different options).
I'm looking forward to seeing you in here often, and following your journey.
❤️ Delilah
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by Dee74
No need to beat yourself up enfin. You're not a bad person
I suspect you need a better recovery plan thats all.
You need to commit to change, follow that commitment through with action. If you need support you have to use it when you need it.
Have you seen this link before?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
I suspect you need a better recovery plan thats all.
You need to commit to change, follow that commitment through with action. If you need support you have to use it when you need it.
Have you seen this link before?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by RedAndy
13 months down the line you know what i haven't stepped foot in a pub - there's a local around the corner - i have no reason to go in there anymore - do i miss it ? at first yes now - can't think of anything more boring or futile than standing there chatting rubbish all night getting hammered then waking up the following day feeling like crap and repeat and repeat.
There's more to life than socialising in the pub - much more.
There's more to life than socialising in the pub - much more.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hey. Glad to see you back.
I agree with Dee. It takes a while for us to hit in the right plan sometimes. I heard somewhere, ' there are no problems, just solution we don't like.' That was definitely true for me. I needed to get to a stage of discomfort where I was finally willing to try the things that previously I'd been unwilling to try.
So, your solution might be to look at those things that you were unwilling to try before and just give some of those things a go now. Dee's thread has some great links and information on there with suggestions of things to add into your plan.
Why not try going to some AA meetings? There will be folk there who are more than willing to help and support you. Not because they're benevolent. But because doing that helps them to stay sober. Don't know where in the UK you are, but it's rare to find any location where there aren't at least a couple a week.
I agree with Dee. It takes a while for us to hit in the right plan sometimes. I heard somewhere, ' there are no problems, just solution we don't like.' That was definitely true for me. I needed to get to a stage of discomfort where I was finally willing to try the things that previously I'd been unwilling to try.
So, your solution might be to look at those things that you were unwilling to try before and just give some of those things a go now. Dee's thread has some great links and information on there with suggestions of things to add into your plan.
Why not try going to some AA meetings? There will be folk there who are more than willing to help and support you. Not because they're benevolent. But because doing that helps them to stay sober. Don't know where in the UK you are, but it's rare to find any location where there aren't at least a couple a week.
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