givingup

On many occasions, my AH will tell me that I can't possibly understand addiction. While I'm not an alcoholic, I think as a codie I have experienced addictive and obsessive thoughts and behaviors. As a teenager, I also suffered from an eating disorder. When he shuts down the conversation by saying that I can't possibly understand, I think he is also telling me that he is sooo special. It seems to me to be almost arrogant.

So my question is - As non-alcoholics, can we ever really understand what an addict goes through?

journeygal

I am not addicted to any substances, but like you I have suffered from addictive and obsessive behavior so I think I have a good understanding of what addicts go through. Knowing how hard it is to control obsessive thinking, I can imagine how extremely difficult it must be to control those thoughts combined with physical cravings and triggers. We may not know 100% what they go through but I think we can relate to it pretty well.

One thing addicts do suffer from is terminal uniqueness. Don't buy into it. He's the same, more or less, as everyone else here.

brightlight

For sure mine is very arrogrant. He will say he is no good or hates himself, but when I do not like something about myself then I change it or at least try. Mine is over at the bar and talking and drinking, shooting pool. He thinks he is the life of the party. Proably hoping some woman will look at him and fall in love, and save him from me, the witch from hell! He will start hiccuping and getting bloated soon, and he will have to come home. I know exactly what it is like to be addicted because I have been addicted to cigarettes and the minute I found out I was pregnant, I quit. I started back a month after she was born, but no way would I hurt my child. I quit with my second child because I thought I as sick and blamed it on cigarettes. I just quit and a few weeks later found out I was pregnant. I was going to smoke after he was born, but I thought that since we needed money and were on one income that I would quit. I also looked at my kids that needed me and could not do something that would shorten my life. The problem with my husband is he only loves himself.

smoke gets in my eyes

I have all female plumbing but it would be wrong for me to say that I understand childbirth. I have an inkling, but never been there.

These are things I know about Dino. He is intelligent. He is kind. He has pride. He loves his family deeply. He has goals. So how could he be so stupid, thoughtless, debased, selfish and self defeating as to use crack? I DON'T understand. When I quit drinking it was not a big deal. When I gave up cigarettes I think I got a closer glimpse of what that kind of addiction is like. It has been quite a struggle to stay quitted. Still, I cannot equate the dippiness that made me try cigarettes with the despair that Dino was escaping in cocaine. I have known Dino for 24 years. He did some rotten things in his using days. Things that were truly foreign to his nature. But knowing him for as long as I did before the madness, I believe that if he could have ended his using as easily as I quit drinking or even cigarettes, he would have. He is not evil. He was not enjoying the chaos. He wasn't clinging to IT. At that point, IT was clinging to HIM. If you are a person who can just put it down, then you don't really understand the person who can't. How could we? And I also remember being told I didn't understand. But he didn't really understand either. He left that out. I have obsessions. I've had addictions. But they cannot have been on the same par as Dino's. I am not a better person than he is. I simply do not have the same condition.

(I'm not saying he didn't suffer from terminal uniqueness, though. Not only did I not understand, other addicts wouldn't either because he was never like THEM. )

osier59

In my humble opinion (ha) I dont think its so much about addiction as it is human behavior, period. The "you could never understand this" sounds like an excuse for not being able to either explain or justify things.

Just a thought

Barb

givingup

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. Terminal uniqueness - now there's a new one for me. Its like he feels superior in some way to me like he has something that I don't. Well he does and I am thankful that I am not addicted but that doesn't mean that I don't suffer from the effects of addiction. Smoke is so right - that is something that he can't understand - what it is like to see the person you love destroy his life before your very eyes. He's never waited up in the middle of the night wondering if his spouse will make it home. He has never gotten a call from the police nor had to post bail for his spouse. And the list goes on....

I also agree that he uses the statement "you don't understand" to center the conversation on him and his issues. He may be a great guy but you never know when that great guy is going to show up. Will it be Dr. Jeykll or Mr. Hyde tonight? If we are really detached, does it matter? I'm not sure I even care anymore.

Just living the dream.

Gabe

Yep and Amen. Thanks Barb.
Terminal uniqueness...oy...I had forgotten about that one.