Updates regarding an AW
Stoic
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Updates regarding an AW
Hello everyone. A little bit of an update regarding my AW, and some confusion about her state.
Very quick background, I received full legal and physical custody of our two children almost four years ago, and moved us three about four hours away in the same state. There is a protection order against her for the two children until their 18th birthdays, though AW is allowed to have supervised visitation through a visitation center at her cost…which she has never done. The kids (now 10 and 6), don’t remember her, have no memories of her.
I’ve not divorced her, because I cannot afford it. If I had to be honest, I am just waiting for her to pass.
She currently is living in our home that we bought together, with a 50 y/o tattoo artist from down the street who previously lived with his parents. AW doesn’t have a job, hasn’t had one for our entire marriage of 14.5 years, in fact. All she does is lie in bed watching tv, drinking, 24/7. She is 5’10”, and sub-100 pounds. Malnourished, and has been poisoning herself with alcohol ever since the kids and I left, and before it. She is in the hospital at least every other week, due to complications regarding the damage she has done to her body from drinking. She has no health insurance, so the hospitals essentially just treat her life-threatening symptom de-jour, and send her home as soon as possible. If they were allowed to deny her service, I’m sure they would.
Recently, her mom has called me, and was worried about her mental state. Apparently, AW thinks it is 2009, or 2011…depending on the day. When they talk on the phone, my AW tells her that she has to hang up, because the kids will be home from school soon…yet…it’s 11p.m. at night. AW tells her that she has to go, since the kids are underfoot and making her fall down. When asked about that, my AW says that the kids are out at the store with Me, and that we’ll be home any second. When questioned about the year, my AW responds with 2009…or 2011.
The man living in the house with her has even expressed concern to my MIL in texts, because he’s arrived to the house late at night and found the dinner table set with two small plates with child size portions…and my AW has said that it was for the kids.
So, my opinion is Alcoholic Delusions. Perhaps even Werner/Korsikoff? I just find it interesting that the only family that still semi-cares for her well-being (her mom, and this dude that is living rent free in a house with a married woman) are only now thinking something is concerning about her behavior.
I mean, I “called” this at LEAST six years ago. I saw symptoms in AW of Delusions long, long ago. It just seems that only now, are they manifesting in a truly lasting, and significant way.
My MIL wonders why I am so aloof about the condition of my AW. She asks me, “Isn’t there something you can do to help her?”. I get that…it’s her daughter. I don’t blame her. She just doesn’t understand that the only reason that house isn’t sold and gone, is because my AW is on the deed and refuses to budge.
I ask my MIL, “What is it that you want me to do? What do you think I can do that can possibly help AW at this point. I was the only one that cared about AW’s problem, for almost an entire decade I was the only one that tried to stop AW from drinking….meanwhile being demonized by the family and ‘friends’ who believed the lies that AW was telling everyone.”
MIL has no answer to how she thinks I can help, yet she somehow blames me for not helping.
That’s awfully convenient of her. Give me all the blame for her daughter’s alcoholism, yet not being able to express how I could have ever prevented it.
Anyways…has anyone had any experience with these types of delusions, or Werner/Korsikoff? Is this what you experienced? Is it something else entirely? I’m not looking for anyone’s medical advice…just anecdotal things from your own experiences with alcoholics that exhibited similar behaviors. Thank you for reading.
Very quick background, I received full legal and physical custody of our two children almost four years ago, and moved us three about four hours away in the same state. There is a protection order against her for the two children until their 18th birthdays, though AW is allowed to have supervised visitation through a visitation center at her cost…which she has never done. The kids (now 10 and 6), don’t remember her, have no memories of her.
I’ve not divorced her, because I cannot afford it. If I had to be honest, I am just waiting for her to pass.
She currently is living in our home that we bought together, with a 50 y/o tattoo artist from down the street who previously lived with his parents. AW doesn’t have a job, hasn’t had one for our entire marriage of 14.5 years, in fact. All she does is lie in bed watching tv, drinking, 24/7. She is 5’10”, and sub-100 pounds. Malnourished, and has been poisoning herself with alcohol ever since the kids and I left, and before it. She is in the hospital at least every other week, due to complications regarding the damage she has done to her body from drinking. She has no health insurance, so the hospitals essentially just treat her life-threatening symptom de-jour, and send her home as soon as possible. If they were allowed to deny her service, I’m sure they would.
Recently, her mom has called me, and was worried about her mental state. Apparently, AW thinks it is 2009, or 2011…depending on the day. When they talk on the phone, my AW tells her that she has to hang up, because the kids will be home from school soon…yet…it’s 11p.m. at night. AW tells her that she has to go, since the kids are underfoot and making her fall down. When asked about that, my AW says that the kids are out at the store with Me, and that we’ll be home any second. When questioned about the year, my AW responds with 2009…or 2011.
The man living in the house with her has even expressed concern to my MIL in texts, because he’s arrived to the house late at night and found the dinner table set with two small plates with child size portions…and my AW has said that it was for the kids.
So, my opinion is Alcoholic Delusions. Perhaps even Werner/Korsikoff? I just find it interesting that the only family that still semi-cares for her well-being (her mom, and this dude that is living rent free in a house with a married woman) are only now thinking something is concerning about her behavior.
I mean, I “called” this at LEAST six years ago. I saw symptoms in AW of Delusions long, long ago. It just seems that only now, are they manifesting in a truly lasting, and significant way.
My MIL wonders why I am so aloof about the condition of my AW. She asks me, “Isn’t there something you can do to help her?”. I get that…it’s her daughter. I don’t blame her. She just doesn’t understand that the only reason that house isn’t sold and gone, is because my AW is on the deed and refuses to budge.
I ask my MIL, “What is it that you want me to do? What do you think I can do that can possibly help AW at this point. I was the only one that cared about AW’s problem, for almost an entire decade I was the only one that tried to stop AW from drinking….meanwhile being demonized by the family and ‘friends’ who believed the lies that AW was telling everyone.”
MIL has no answer to how she thinks I can help, yet she somehow blames me for not helping.
That’s awfully convenient of her. Give me all the blame for her daughter’s alcoholism, yet not being able to express how I could have ever prevented it.
Anyways…has anyone had any experience with these types of delusions, or Werner/Korsikoff? Is this what you experienced? Is it something else entirely? I’m not looking for anyone’s medical advice…just anecdotal things from your own experiences with alcoholics that exhibited similar behaviors. Thank you for reading.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You know what you know.
She's very ill, terminally so. How long will it take and how bad will it get? No one knows. Diagnoses aren't going to happen here. This kind of delusional behavior is par for the course with advanced alcoholism.
I'm more concerned with your legal liability. Aren't you worried about what this is all going to cost you financially? How are you not responsible for her bills, legally? Are you legally separated? Well, I guess you would be if you have custody. Why do you not divorce her? It doesn't cost that much, comparatively.
She's very ill, terminally so. How long will it take and how bad will it get? No one knows. Diagnoses aren't going to happen here. This kind of delusional behavior is par for the course with advanced alcoholism.
I'm more concerned with your legal liability. Aren't you worried about what this is all going to cost you financially? How are you not responsible for her bills, legally? Are you legally separated? Well, I guess you would be if you have custody. Why do you not divorce her? It doesn't cost that much, comparatively.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hey, Resigned. Sorry for your trouble. You sound lke you have good boundaries regarding your wife, but, still...it's worrisome.
My sib has some degree of Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome. He experienced an alcohol related seizure that put him in the hospital and forced detox some years ago. That was when we got the diagnosis. As you likely know, it's neurological damage caused by excessive alcohol use. It presents in different ways, I gather. My brother is very confused about events and when they occurred. He cannot complete projects, no matter how small. He doesn't remember much that I tell him. It seems to me to be a kind of dementia, with confusion and memory impairment.
The way that you describe your wife, of course, doesn't sound good. There isn't much you can do as you have removed yourself and yourchildren from her orbit. You can urge her mother to seek treatment for her, I guess. Good luck. Peace.
My sib has some degree of Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome. He experienced an alcohol related seizure that put him in the hospital and forced detox some years ago. That was when we got the diagnosis. As you likely know, it's neurological damage caused by excessive alcohol use. It presents in different ways, I gather. My brother is very confused about events and when they occurred. He cannot complete projects, no matter how small. He doesn't remember much that I tell him. It seems to me to be a kind of dementia, with confusion and memory impairment.
The way that you describe your wife, of course, doesn't sound good. There isn't much you can do as you have removed yourself and yourchildren from her orbit. You can urge her mother to seek treatment for her, I guess. Good luck. Peace.
Stoic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Hey, Resigned. Sorry for your trouble. You sound lke you have good boundaries regarding your wife, but, still...it's worrisome.
My sib has some degree of Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome. He experienced an alcohol related seizure that put him in the hospital and forced detox some years ago. That was when we got the diagnosis. As you likely know, it's neurological damage caused by excessive alcohol use. It presents in different ways, I gather. My brother is very confused about events and when they occurred. He cannot complete projects, no matter how small. He doesn't remember much that I tell him. It seems to me to be a kind of dementia, with confusion and memory impairment.
The way that you describe your wife, of course, doesn't sound good. There isn't much you can do as you have removed yourself and yourchildren from her orbit. You can urge her mother to seek treatment for her, I guess. Good luck. Peace.
My sib has some degree of Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome. He experienced an alcohol related seizure that put him in the hospital and forced detox some years ago. That was when we got the diagnosis. As you likely know, it's neurological damage caused by excessive alcohol use. It presents in different ways, I gather. My brother is very confused about events and when they occurred. He cannot complete projects, no matter how small. He doesn't remember much that I tell him. It seems to me to be a kind of dementia, with confusion and memory impairment.
The way that you describe your wife, of course, doesn't sound good. There isn't much you can do as you have removed yourself and yourchildren from her orbit. You can urge her mother to seek treatment for her, I guess. Good luck. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
It is hard and ironic simultaneously. He lives with my mother, who also has some dementia and memory loss. Talking to them both is really interesting. They share a lot of the same whacky ideas. When I go over, which is often, I will mentally gird my self to be patient, and to see the humor where I can. They are actually kinda funny together. And, well, it is what is is, yeah?
Stoic
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I'm more concerned with your legal liability. Aren't you worried about what this is all going to cost you financially? How are you not responsible for her bills, legally? Are you legally separated? Well, I guess you would be if you have custody. Why do you not divorce her? It doesn't cost that much, comparatively.
I have been contacted already regarding bills that she owes, from collectors, hospitals, etc..a handful of times. Once it's cleared that I am not on any of the paperwork, they leave me alone.
She owes hundreds of thousands of dollars, at least, in hospital bills at this point. She has been taken to civil court numerous times by creditors (and has not shown up to defend herself...the wonders of public court records, eh?).
My credit is over 800 currently. Her shenanigans aren't affecting me....as long as we remain married.
Should I try to divorce her...hmmm, let's run down the list.
a) She would drag it out for a very lengthy time, costing me 10's of thousands of dollars in lawyer retainer fees that I cannot afford.
b) Our assets (only the house), and debts, would be split. Those 100's of thousands of dollars in hospital bills? Any lawyer worth their salt would pawn at least half of that onto me.
c) I would be required to give her a large portion of my income in alimony...since she hasn't had a job our entire marriage.
So...my options are to try to divorce her, and lose a large percentage of my income, as well as gain 100's of thousands of dollars in debt to my credit report....or just wait some time for her to pass, which wipes her debt clean, and allows me to start my life over again. (Death of a spouse in a non-community property state does not transfer the debt to surviving spouse)
Her life insurance (which I would not have if we were divorced) will go to settle the estate on our property, and I'll be done with it all.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Have you actually gotten legal advice on what would happen if you were to divorce versus waiting for her to die? Contrary to what you think, death doesn't "wipe the slate clean" regarding her debts. They are part of her estate, and even if you are the sole beneficiary, her share of the house might go to creditors. Estate law isn't my area of expertise, but I'd sure get some qualified legal advice if I were you.
Stoic
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Yes, our house will go to the wolves, I understand that...which is the same thing that will happen in a divorce anyways, so it makes no difference to me. Like I mentioned, her life insurance will pay off the rest I owe on the mortgage, and the house can be ripped apart and fought for by all her debtors after that, for all I care. I wrote the house off as not being a profit long ago.
Yes, I've consulted a number of lawyers, many years ago, even. After running the numbers, getting divorced made zero sense at all.
Yes, I've consulted a number of lawyers, many years ago, even. After running the numbers, getting divorced made zero sense at all.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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That's so sad RTW - for you, her mom and the kids. Once I realized my ex was more than a just a 'regular drinker' I started reading all I could about alcoholism. Reading about Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome was a pivotal moment for me - just terrifying!
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OK, just wanted to make sure you'd informed yourself. If that's the case, then letting it go might be for the best, as long as you're not personally on the hook for anything. I think I'd want the closure, myself, but it's a personal decision and I can't say that you're wrong if you're OK with it.
It's hard to say whether she has "wet brain" or whether her apparent dementia might be a product of her liver shutting down (ammonia levels). When my second husband was hospitalized and his liver shut down for a time, he developed alcoholic hepatic encephalopathy, which caused him to behave exactly like someone with Alzheimer's would. It was temporary, and went away during a period of sobriety, during which his liver recovered to the extent that it could. Somehow he's still alive and it's been almost 20 years. He's still drinking. Morbid as it sounds, I hope you don't have to wait that long.
It's hard to say whether she has "wet brain" or whether her apparent dementia might be a product of her liver shutting down (ammonia levels). When my second husband was hospitalized and his liver shut down for a time, he developed alcoholic hepatic encephalopathy, which caused him to behave exactly like someone with Alzheimer's would. It was temporary, and went away during a period of sobriety, during which his liver recovered to the extent that it could. Somehow he's still alive and it's been almost 20 years. He's still drinking. Morbid as it sounds, I hope you don't have to wait that long.
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Thanks for sharing. Makes me glad I never married my xAbf. His mom tried to push it many times and I said NO WAY and NEVER.
I would carry on as you have. You seem to be surviving just fine as things stand now. Sometimes if it ain't broke, don't fix it seems the best strategy.
I would carry on as you have. You seem to be surviving just fine as things stand now. Sometimes if it ain't broke, don't fix it seems the best strategy.
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Join Date: May 2012
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That for sure sounds like a bad situation, but that's great you did the right thing by leaving and having your children in a save environment.
She sounds to have some severe mental problems, perhaps from the heavy drinking, maybe schizophrenia, maybe a mix of both. Unless some kind of miracle happens and she gets her act together, it's just going to keep on getting worse.
The best option sounds like to just keep on your path and stay away from her and her family, it doesn't sound like it does anything but cause more stress on yourself.
She sounds to have some severe mental problems, perhaps from the heavy drinking, maybe schizophrenia, maybe a mix of both. Unless some kind of miracle happens and she gets her act together, it's just going to keep on getting worse.
The best option sounds like to just keep on your path and stay away from her and her family, it doesn't sound like it does anything but cause more stress on yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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I agree with Lexie that it could either be wet brain or liver causing blood toxicity. An A I knew would get so bad he would place saucers of milk on the floor for "the kittens" yet there were no kittens. I thought it was wet brain but since it wasn't permanent, I'm guessing it was a temporary liver thing IDK. This could go on for another decade. Is the MIL ready for that? Why don't you ask MIL why SHE won't "help her daughter" LOL.
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RTW what a very sad story from everyone's POV. I totally understand your viewpoint, but I also understand that her mother will be less than logical in her desperation not to lose a child. No parent wants their children to die before them.
Your children are very lucky to have a parent like you to be their rock.
Your children are very lucky to have a parent like you to be their rock.
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sad
Hi ...RTW
I read you story and felt very sad about it. How sad the state of your wife. How sad for your kids. But they are fortunate they have a good dad. How sad you find yourself "locked in" to something so sad....I would challenge you to ask yourself if you really have to wait to divorce her or not? You could be waiting for a long time....or not. If she 'passes" or dies...well, that is sad too.... for everyone, except maybe you...
I can certainly understand her mother wanting her rescued...but you are right in holding the line that it's not your job to rescue her and it would suck it out of you to do so....
But I think I would find myself feeling, why not divorce her? She is already living with another man in YOUR home, bought and paid for by you...it's the principle of that which would bother me. If I may be so bold, you are way nice in that department. Hindsight is usually 20/20, but best for her all these years may have been for her to actually have a job; work for a living. That way, if she were to find herself divorced, she would have a way to support herself and maybe not suck you of alimony. It just doesn't seem fair...I guess I just don't have a very good frame of reference there as I've always worked....the concept of being supported financially/totally by someone else is foreign...I mean, it might be nice....but is it what is good in the long run? I don't know.
I hope you and your kids have a nice Christmas, irregardless...you do sound like a strong person, so keep up the good work, and keep being the good dad you are.
I read you story and felt very sad about it. How sad the state of your wife. How sad for your kids. But they are fortunate they have a good dad. How sad you find yourself "locked in" to something so sad....I would challenge you to ask yourself if you really have to wait to divorce her or not? You could be waiting for a long time....or not. If she 'passes" or dies...well, that is sad too.... for everyone, except maybe you...
I can certainly understand her mother wanting her rescued...but you are right in holding the line that it's not your job to rescue her and it would suck it out of you to do so....
But I think I would find myself feeling, why not divorce her? She is already living with another man in YOUR home, bought and paid for by you...it's the principle of that which would bother me. If I may be so bold, you are way nice in that department. Hindsight is usually 20/20, but best for her all these years may have been for her to actually have a job; work for a living. That way, if she were to find herself divorced, she would have a way to support herself and maybe not suck you of alimony. It just doesn't seem fair...I guess I just don't have a very good frame of reference there as I've always worked....the concept of being supported financially/totally by someone else is foreign...I mean, it might be nice....but is it what is good in the long run? I don't know.
I hope you and your kids have a nice Christmas, irregardless...you do sound like a strong person, so keep up the good work, and keep being the good dad you are.
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RTW.
All I can do is share my experience. Large trauma and physical injury after years of chronic drinking landed me in hospital. In a Burns andIntensive care units. With the effects of alcohol on my sad little brain, plus (I emphasise this bit) the effect of drugs to do surgery, pain relief, sedatives and depression- my every moment was a living hell. On d/c my diagnosis was K-syndrome. I did not know who I was, where I was- even if I was alive or dead. In nearly did end up dead all over again. You are right not to get involved. Addiction sucks. My prayers to your AW and your family.
All I can do is share my experience. Large trauma and physical injury after years of chronic drinking landed me in hospital. In a Burns andIntensive care units. With the effects of alcohol on my sad little brain, plus (I emphasise this bit) the effect of drugs to do surgery, pain relief, sedatives and depression- my every moment was a living hell. On d/c my diagnosis was K-syndrome. I did not know who I was, where I was- even if I was alive or dead. In nearly did end up dead all over again. You are right not to get involved. Addiction sucks. My prayers to your AW and your family.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Originally Posted by ResignedToWait
My MIL wonders why I am so aloof about the condition of my AW.
He successfull with great job for a year and a half, then he basically became homeless... Became paranoid, so I guess it's not the same as your wife. But anyway, it seems your wife has a mental illness and is an alcoholic.
There is nothing you can do. How was her childhood? Most alcoholics / addicts had bad childhood (detached parents, verbally or physically abusive parents, etc.). You can't change her past. The only person who can help ur wife is herself.
And her mother trying to assign you this task is not fair. You should take care of your children, not your wife.
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