Suzieq17

I am an alcoholic. Been trying on and off for the past two years, and recently to try and stay sober--unsuccessfully.

I read a lot of posts on SR.

As I type, I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. Why is this so hard? Why did I drink that bottle of wine?? In the middle of the night last, I woke up to a full fledged panic attack --sweating and heart racing. It was horrific.

And my thoughts are so obsessive, why can't my brain just calm down and quiet down for a bit? I worry about everything.

I manage to get a few days under my belt, and then I cave and drink.

I can't seem to let things go, and I want to but my brain just harps. And the creating stories/scenarios that could of, would of, might have happened has driven me to the brink and drink.

I've got issues and this struggle is real and literally driving me crazy!!!!

It's not easy for me to go to AA--I have a little one st home, another one involved in lots of stuff, a husband who works a lot, and find very little time for me.

I am angry, frustrated, sad, and scared.

I keep trying and failing....and its driving me crazy.

Coldfusion

Hi Suzie!

How about trying to get more active here? Join the Class of December 2016 Thread, post in the 24-Hour Club, and read around the "Friends and Family" section if you forget why you need to stay sober. Any time you are thinking of drinking, come here--if your fingers are typing they can't be putting booze to your lips!

sdnavyblue72

Great Advice!!!

Soberwolf

You'll always have us Suzie x don't give up

Doug39

After 27 years of drinking everyday, the last time I drank alcohol was October 24, 2016.

Those first several days after I quit were brutal. I paced the floor, couldn't sleep or eat, dry heaved regularly and was near suicidal. Everything in my life seemed dark.

But as the days and weeks went by I felt better and better. I had good days but more bad days.

Today I am 58 days sober and I have a long way to go but it only gets better. Do whatever you can, stay positive and move forward. It is worth it.

saoutchik

Hi suzieq, I think one of the hardest things to overcome in early recovery is that we are continually thinking about not drinking which then turns into thoughts about drinking and the cravings follow soon after.

I had many failed attempts previously but what seemed to make this time more successful is that once I stopped I did not let my thoughts dwell on alcohol, each time I would think of something else and the desire to drink could not get a foothold. What really heped was having a number of things to hand that would draw me in and occupy my thoughts. In my case it was online things like sudoku but anything you are sufficiently interested will do

My thoughts did become less frantic and jarring but it was not a quick thing but there was a small improvement even after a few weeks

Good luck

thomas11

I hope you find the strength from somewhere or someone to quit. I know when I started being jolted awake in the middle of the night in a full blown panic, my body was desperately trying to tell me something. And what it was telling me is that I was in the danger zone and I'd better get serious about quitting drinking. I didn't want to be an addict, and I didn't want to die.

doggonecarl

If your thinking is making you drink, there are techniques to quell the obsessive negative thoughts. But you have to practice them and you have to use them. If you can't learn them on your own, you can find professional help.

If the drinking is making your thinking go haywire, there are techniques to quit drinking. But you have to practice them and you have to use them. If you can't learn them on your own, you can find professional help.

Dee74

I really recommend making a plan - focus on what you can do for your recovery - right now suzy

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D

least

Our beloved CarolD used to say: you will stay sober when you want to be sober more than you want to drink. Not easy, but simple. And true.

Suzieq17

Thanks to all who commented.

Right now, I'm lying in a bed--trying to relax while my husband gets the kids to bed. Deep breathes and quiet. Much needed in my life. When I was young, I loved when it snowed. I would go outside and just sit and listen. The world was so quiet and calm. . I wish it would snow.

I've been overwhelmed, stressed, isolated, depressed for awhile now. This may be my breaking point or my breakdown.

I don't EVER get a break--cooking, cleaning, running after 2 year old, taking other kid to practice, games, tournaments, etc. so I turn to alcohol to relax,numb and check out.

If I continue this way, I'll die from alcohol. I need to find time and to take care of me. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I know that I have to.

Coldfusion

Suzie, just keep reading and posting here!

Behappy1

I agree and disagree with this quote. We're all here because we don't want to drink. It's not as simple as a +- of to drink or not to drink.

I understand were you are as a mom and caregiver, taxi driver, house cleaner, etc of your home. Keep posting and know you're not alone!

Delilah1

Hi Suzie,

Sorry you are struggling tonight, but I am really glad you came and posted. The first few days/weeks can be tough, but once you get through them things get better as each day passes.

SR is my biggest recovery support, the monthly classes and 24 hour thread are great places to form relationships, and also stay accountable to yourself.

As a working mom of three kids who are all involved in extra curricular activities, I know it can seem as though we don't have time to ourselves. You need to be a little selfish for a bit. Plan something for the hours you normally would have been drinking: go for a walk, take a bubbbke bath, read a book (there are some great recovery books out there). I have been reminded of the airplane message several times, we need to put on our oxygen mask first before helping our kids. Mindfulness is something I have been working on, and will continue to as we head into 2017.

Life is always going to throw us curve balls every now and then, and sometimes it seems as though they keep coming in a short period of time. I promise you sobriety is worth it, and all issues are easier to deal with when sober.

I joined SR in 2012, and spent from 2012-2015 alternating between periods of sobriety, and failed attempts at moderation. Last NYE I decided I was done, I couldn't continue like this any longer. On January 1st I will hit the one year mark, which is the longest I have been sober since the age of 15.

Spend time reading and posting, decide what will work for you to remain sober, we each have our own path, but we all need some supports along the way.

Looking forward to seeing you on here and following your journey. You can do this!!!
❤️Delilah

flg1412

Hi Suzie,
Only Advice I can offer is just keep reading and reading and reading. There is so much help and support here.
Glad you posted.

doggonecarl

Sounds like your days are packed to the gills. But, if you have time to drink, you do have time. Time to relax and check-out, so to speak, in healthy ways. Ways besides the instant gratification of alcohol.

But chances are your drinking is more than taking a break and trying to relax. Alcoholism is a deep seated issue. A lot must be addressed. But finding the time to take care of Suzieq is a great start!

MLD51

Suzie - is there any way at all you can get your husband to shoulder some of the burden with the kids so that you can get some time to yourself? You could get to a few meetings, or at least go for walks to help calm your mind and come up with some sort of plan to quit drinking. Is he aware of how bad the drinking and anxiety really are? Would he be willing to help you with this very important (possibly life or death) issue? Sounds like you are overwhelmed. Alcohol, as you know, will only add to the anxiety and panic. But it can be a difficult cycle to break. You're anxious and overwhelmed, so you drink for relief, but it makes it all worse. I was there - waking in the middle of the night in full-blown panic attacks, shaking and sweating. It doesn't happen to me anymore, now that I'm sober. It started getting better almost right away for me. If you can figure out a way to get a few weeks of sobriety going, you may find that's the case for you too.

Bananas44

Suzie hi. I totally get where you are coming from and the struggle is real! I was a big wine drinker, then I was a whatever I could find drinker. If your concern is not being able to go to meetings, you can totally do this without them as long as you make a plan and stick to it. This site can give you as much support as you need. It can be whatever you want to use it for. Once you can stop drinking and get past the first week, you will be able to see things so much more clearly. You will be able to decide then if you need more help or if you can handle it with the tools you have available. Make a plan. Try to get through a week or two. See if your outlook has changed any. It's so worth it.

Plure

Hey there Suzieq17, glad you're talking to us and telling us very eloquently what's going on and how anxiety/panic is taking a toll.

I've also been there (thankfully not this round of sobriety), but I know the drill and it sucks...bigtime.

In my personal experience, I had to do two things:

1. get my mind in the right place in terms of acceptance of my alcoholism and how my life was truly unmanageable,
2. come to terms with my underlying anxiety and how alcohol cessation would temporarily drive it through the roof.

Like you, a few years back I would also awake at night or early in the morning with horrible anxiety and oftentimes panic. It would make me dizzy, give me that out of body experience, and generally not want to get out of bed (except that I couldn't sleep either).

What got me over the hump as it were, was honestly talking to my doctor about my underlying anxiety and also stopping alcohol. Basically, in addition to AA, I needed some medical help which was Klonopin (short-term rescue benzo med that I don't need today), a sleep aid to get me to rest, as well a treatment for my underlying anxiety in the form of Lexapro. Today I just take Lexapro and I credit it with getting my mind where it needs to be for long-term sobriety.

I know everyone is different in their drinking and sobriety, but wanted to share my story.

Hang in there!

Flossyteacake

I thought this TED talk was interesting about time:

https://www.ted.com/talks/laura_vand...your_free_time

She argues that we have lots of time. We just prioritise badly. One thing I'm learning in sobriety is to prioritise me and the things I want to do. Drinking steals so much time, if we let it.

It's a short watch and highly recommended.