Ustacallmelola

I am having a mental health crisis due to drinking and depression. The other day I was drunk and walked out of my house with slippers, shorts, and a tank top on. It was 10 degrees out and nighttime. I was hoping to freeze to death. I had to beg my husband not to hospitalize me.

I recently had to leave a high paying job because my hangovers and poor memory affected my performance and I was going to be fired.

The other day my niece cut me off completely because I was drunk and said something insulting. I am estranged from my mother and sister for other reasons not related to my drinking, but that relationship meant everything to me.

I am married to a wonderful, but naive man who has no idea how bad my drinking is as I am that good at hiding it. He loves me so much that my guilt eats me alive. He does not drink at all...ever.

I drink and drive regularly in my effort to hide my drinking. I know my days are numbered.

I do not sleep. It is horrible. I always feel like death until I drink again. It is a horrible cycle.

Today I feel hopeless. My health is failing and I know if I keep down this road I will die. I look like **** and am dehydrated and bloated. I am not in control of my life. I am not in control of this. I am very familiar with the 12 steps and am terrified. The last time I went to a meeting was years ago and was chastised for not believing in God. I am an Atheist. These woman told me I would not be successful unless I had God. I never went back. I do however believe I cannot do this myself and I need help. Finally feeling hopeless is driving me to go to a meeting today. I do not want to do this anymore and I am afraid I am going to hurt myself.

We are travelling for the holidays where there are beaches and sun for 7 days. I am planning on drying out and getting some exercise while I am there. When I get back, I need a plan of action. If I fail at staying sober on vacation, I will likely check myself into rehab when I get back.

I used to be so much more than this.

PhoenixJ

Usta, thankyou for your honest post. That took bravery. Addiction to alcohol sucks and is very destructive. I completely understand your feelings and behaviour with alcohol- being an alcoholic with much damage behind me. Please - this is my experience talking. Do not drink- it will only get worse. I would suggest seeing a doctor to detox from the alcohol. To go cold turkey can be dangerous. AA meetings are very welcoming and you do not have to share, just listen. If invited to- just say that. Introduce yourself early b4 a meeting and say you are new and nervous. It does not matter if you are atheist - or Muslim or Christian. The whole point is to want to stop drinking. There is a thread here dedicated just for women (I am a guy). Can you see an addiction therapist and perhaps get into a rehab? If you do something now- you will fare much better. You have started that by reaching out here. SR is a welcoming, non judgemental and supportive community. Please stay safe and do not take risks. Do not drink. Keep posting.
With support and prayers for you and your family, PJ.

Soberwolf

Hi Lola I'm glad you found us

waywardson8260

Thanks for posting. There is lots of support here when you need it on day one and beyond. Have fun on your trip and stay busy and it will help a lot.

MeSoSober

This seems like a GREAT idea either way! To just remove yourself from the drinking option for a time while also intensively focusing on yourself, and your sobriety, and getting mentally and physically well.

I believe that as hopeless as you feel now, you can come back from this, be strong and healthy, and even heal your relationships.

I know pretty much every serious problem I've had as an adult is either directly or indirectly related to my alcohol abuse. Gee, maybe I should REPEAT THAT TO MYSELF about 27 times a day.

Anyway, we're glad you're here and you'll find inspiration and hope and practical advice here for your journey FORWARD.

thomas11

Based on your honest, forthright description, I think considering treatment or rehab might be something to consider. I hope you can dry out on vacation, but I think it would be tough. I wish you the best.

5upersonic

Welcome

It really is possible to break this vicious cycle, now and forever. Most of us understand the hopelessness you now feel, we've been there. You don't ever have to feel this way again. Stop drinking and start working on your plan. Many get sober with AA, but there are alternatives such as Jack Trimpey's Rational Recovery.

least

You're not hopeless. You're just stuck in the cycle of drinking. I thought I was hopeless too, but I've got seven years sober.

I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

Zufrieden

Thank you for your post. It can feel totally hopeless but you are not in a hopeless position once you commit to ending this cycle.
Quitting on vacation might be tough but could also represent a great opportunity as well.
Will you have access to the Internet? If so i would suggest that you hang around this site for the strength and inspiration it provides. lots of wonderful people here who have been where you are.
Thanks
Jonathan

D122y

Lola,

My offering....

My phone here is a super computer.

Yours too.

It has helped me get educated on my addiction to booze.

Once educated i was/am in a position to fight addiction and fully embrace sobriety.

Addiction lies in our emotional mind. Sobriety lives in our analytical mind.

Getting sober is all about dealing w being uncomfortable. We addicts found euphoria in booze initially.

Now addicted, we want, not need, booze for comfort.

The dopamine in our brains is not being produced correctly because of our drinking.

In time it gets better. The process is slow. It took me the better part of 18 months clean to start to feel routine periods of natural euphoria from sober activities.

That whole time relapse threatened.

My education, from my super computer, helped me analyze my way this clean.

Sr taught me all i needed to win my battle w alcohol addiction for the last 20 months.

Hope this helps you.

Thanks.

entropy1964

Hi and thank you for posting.

When I read posts where one is hopeless, as I was, I look at it as possibility. When I'm hopeless it means I'm defeated. What has defeated me? Alcohol. I'm powerless over it. When I drink it everything is unmanageable.

But there is a solution. It starts with not drinking. I was exactly where you were 4 months ago. Knowing in the fiber of my being that I cannot do this alone. I chose AA because I was finally 'willing' to believe that I am not the greatest power in the universe. I simply had to be willing. That is what the book says. I didn't have to 'believe'. I didn't have to understand. I simply had to be open to suggestions. And I needed the meetings, the people, the support.

Yes you can attend AA and not believe in God. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. And there are meetings for atheists. But yes, it is a spiritual, not religious, program. Many, most find their definition of God and are passionate about that. But you don't have to be a part of AA and accept a HP. But I have found it works much better that way long run. Who knows. If you stay open, attend meetings, maybe do what is suggested, you might find that YOUR god meets you half way.

If that doesn't work, there are secular approaches as well. Check out the Secular sub forum here. Just find something. Be willing. Be open.

Ustacallmelola

Thanks. The thought of sneaking around for alcohol on this trip and feeling like crap would be worse than being sober. I spent most of 2012 sober without help, but I fooled myself into thinking I could have just one....yeah right. I can NEVER have just one. I quit smoking 16 years ago and know I can never one and never have. This is the same thing. It took me a year until I felt normal without a cigarette. I thought THAT was the hardest thing I had ever done. Silly me.

Algorithm

We have a secular connections forum here that may interest you.

Excellent idea. Do not drink one drop of alcohol, and let your body begin to re-adjust. It's the only way to break the cycle.

Alcohol is a high proof depressant, and long term use either makes you depressed, or it makes any existing depression much worse. It so powerful as a depressant, that even anti-depressants won't do you any good if you drink heavily.

Ustacallmelola

Thanks everyone for your replies. I do know how recovery works. That is why I am so hard on myself. I have an old NA book full of notes, numbers quotes with a nice leather binder and a nice 2 years clean coin. I had a sponsor and everything.

I was hanging out with a girl who's husband was a cocaine dealer back in the mid 90's and caught myself a little problem. It was not for long but I was scared. I went to a free therapist who suggested I run to a meeting. I went to my first one and did not look back. I was not a big drinker back then. That part came after the Gastric Bypass. I was a daily pot smoker and stopped that as well. I was active in recovery for about 2 years. I met my ex husband who was a very clean guy and did I not require meetings anymore. I stayed clean of everything for another 3 years until I was about 33. I finished my undergrad and then got a decent job. Even then, I never went back to drugs but boy did I suddenly like the way alcohol made me feel after the surgery.

Since about 2004 it has been a progression. I was in no way a daily drinker though. I never drank during the week just socially. I am not sure when it got this bad. I had gone through some tough emotional times and it escalated. I would say I have been this bad for at least 5 years. 2012 was overall a pretty clean year, but I still relapsed on occasion. 2014 had its moments where I would get a month or two.

I need to get back to exercise. I used to be in MUCH better shape. Exercise was my stress reliever for many years until I found booze. I want to throw myself into it again, but I cannot seem to get enough clean time to feel good enough to go. I am not going to drink today so I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.

biminiblue

Ustocallmelola.

I think I'll shorten that to lola.

I think a lot of us can relate to multiple addictions. It's like whack-a-mole. That switch from food to alcohol is pretty common in GB patients. I've read that a lot in the past, and I know my alcoholism really ramped up when I was in weight-loss mode ten years ago. It is a substitute maladaptive coping tool for those of us who used food as comfort. At least that is my angle on it. The lower calorie food plan also feeds into the urge to get more calories from alcohol. It's a vicious cycle since it is pretty difficult to get good nutrition while on restricted calories and then the alcohol just causes more nutrition problems.

The vacation sounds lovely! I could use seven days in the sun right now. You're also going with someone who doesn't drink. Think how much more fun it will be for both of you sober. That sounds like a good vacation. You can do all kinds of outdoor stuff.

Welcome to the forum. We're glad you found us.

Ustacallmelola

[QUOTE=biminiblue;6254316]Ustocallmelola.

I think I'll shorten that to lola.

I think a lot of us can relate to multiple addictions. It's like whack-a-mole. That switch from food to alcohol is pretty common in GB patients. I've read that a lot in the past, and I know my alcoholism really ramped up when I was in weight-loss mode ten years ago. It is a substitute maladaptive coping tool for those of us who used food as comfort. At least that is my angle on it. The lower calorie food plan also feeds into the urge to get more calories from alcohol. It's a vicious cycle since it is pretty difficult to get good nutrition while on restricted calories and then the alcohol just causes more nutrition problems.




Thanks for the feedback. I disagree though. The reason so many of us become addicted is the science of it. Without that stomach acid to break down the alcohol, it is like shooting it straight into veins. I never liked alcohol at all before my surgery. I did not like the way it made feel. I preferred pot. After surgery and I tried some wine at a party, it was VERY different. The way we process it is harder on our bodies too. My ex husband had the surgery and he NEVER drank. He also said it felt it different and he did not like it before. He became addicted. My Ex BIL has a felony for a 3rd DUI in 7 years after the surgery. He never drank either. He has ruined his life. He is facing jail time and did not bother to show up for his sentencing. Now there is a warrant for him. He was making 200K a year and is now an unemployed felon.

There is no way that these are just transfers in addictions. I had 5 years clean and sober with no interest in getting to this place again. I have read scientific articles on the process after surgery. I am convinced it is mostly biological. If I had known this early on, I would have never even touched that first glass of wine after surgery.

Algorithm

The bypass surgery almost certainly doesn't help, since alcohol will be absorbed much faster, but the solution is still the same, especially for someone that has gotten hooked on cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol, and cocaine.

No recreational, mood-altering drugs of any kind.

biminiblue

Well, of course it's biological.

BUT - that compulsion? Some of us are wired with a much stronger compulsion "gene?" I'm not saying we aren't, it's just debatable.

What do you think caused your over-eating? Was it biological? I'm one of those people who believe addiction is biological AND behavioral. I can't start eating sugary snacks or breads or certain other hyper-palatable foods and then stop eating them if there is still some in my hand. Is it addiction? Is it the way my body processes or doesn't process carbohydrates? Could be. The jury is still out on that. But I also know that I can live without those foods. Do I want to? Not really, so I allow them in controlled "binges." Some people can moderate: some can't. I am not alone in this, it's a thing. I know that if I start, the whole package is going in my pie-hole. Is that compulsion or biology? Again, the jury is out. I do believe that I start eating some of them for comfort, though. I don't need ice cream - I just love it.

Here's a post I made yesterday. I'm on your side, but I still believe there is a behavioral aspect to this.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6253608

kinzoku

There is a concept in learning. The challenge must evenly match, or slightly outclass, your ability.

With all the things in your life, future and past, stopping drinking can seem overwhelming.

But your task is not to stop drinking.

It's to stop drinking today. If that is too hard, this hour, or this second. Focus on the now.

If you focus on each step, the journey will not be so hard.

Coming here was a very good start.

sdnavyblue72

I am sorry you are having such a miserable go of it. I know what it is like to live with someone who is depressed and drinks to "numb" the pain. My sincere worry is that you will hurt yourself and/or someone else by drinking and driving. It WILL catch up to you and my only hope is that when you are in a horrible state and condition, making you more distracted, you will get into trouble. Trust me, it's the worst and imagine if something terrible happened? I see it EVERYDAY here in southern california. It sounds to me, and I am at all no expert, that you might need to go to the hospital for your own good. I have a book you can read while on your vacation. It's called, "Kick the Drink.....Easily" by Jason Vale, an Englishman. It's such an easy read. It worked for me! I did relapse this year after over a year of sobriety but no MORE.