PhoenixJ- my story (2) addendum- accountability.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,657
PhoenixJ- my story (2) addendum- accountability.
Pre 2015 : my use of alcohol.
For all the reasons, excuses, conditioning, genetics, parenting, bullying, trauma, rewards, escaping, fear, survival (?) , the basic fact is I drank alcohol when I knew it was damaging myself and others. I drank alcohol to the detriment of family trust, love, support- I used my family. I knew- deep down that this was wrong. I still drank alcohol. I tried many times to stop- with sincerity and honesty. Then when ‘the heat was off’ – I returned to drinking. I lied, cheated, stole and manipulated others. I left my family feeling hatred, anger, embarrassment and fear. I was in the end so toxic my family have for their own health and sanity- cut me loose. My drinking was a major influence on the destruction of our family unit. I ruined my reputation as a reliable, trusted nurse and academic. My friends tired of my boorish ways. When I drank I turned from the nice guy (Dr Jeckyl) into a belligerent, angry, abusive, drunken bore (My Hyde). My drinking alcohol seriously affected my health and the health of my family. I was a poor husband, role model for my son’s and a useless human being.
The consequences are now real- divorce, no family home, no contact from family/friends . Alcohol made me feel good- when I was feeling in control of my life. Alcohol gave a release from stress. Alcohol destroyed my life and seriously affected the lives of my wife and sons because I knew it was damaging and I did nothing about it. I just kept drinking. It became a way of escaping life. I did not care and nobody (I thought) cared about me. I hurt others-leaving them vulnerable and betrayed.. My experiences in late 2015 are a metaphor for my whole adult life experience with alcohol and the way it nearly finished.
I accept and own this history. I stand accountable. By being in recovery, AA meetings, self critical (?) thinking and SR-I have become more realistically aware and empathic and compassionate to the impact of my drinking on those in my world- and me in theirs. My father did the same to me- but I did not learn. I feel sadness- evolved from guilt and shame. From self hatred and believing I deserve hardship as a punishment to proactively changing myself. Self pity and blaming is not an option. With this self awareness I am slowly maturing emotionally. I am changing into the person I could have been if I did not drink. This much I do know. I cannot undo what has passed. I hurt people. With skills I am learning- my mind set is changing, not only rationally but spiritually and emotionally. I am becoming more aware of who I am- without alcohol. Part of this is accepting my past and the real time consequences of my abuse of alcohol in it. The consequences on my wife and sons, friends and others. I have begun to understand the consequences on others and myself, pre 2015 and now. I am truly sorry and feel regret for what I became.
Victims of crime are invited to share their experience face to face with the person who committed a crime against them by reading out an impact statement. This is to hopefully try and get the criminal (?) to not only understand and feel remorse but show this through changing spiritually and by actions. I was the criminal. I believe I am doing this.
For all the reasons, excuses, conditioning, genetics, parenting, bullying, trauma, rewards, escaping, fear, survival (?) , the basic fact is I drank alcohol when I knew it was damaging myself and others. I drank alcohol to the detriment of family trust, love, support- I used my family. I knew- deep down that this was wrong. I still drank alcohol. I tried many times to stop- with sincerity and honesty. Then when ‘the heat was off’ – I returned to drinking. I lied, cheated, stole and manipulated others. I left my family feeling hatred, anger, embarrassment and fear. I was in the end so toxic my family have for their own health and sanity- cut me loose. My drinking was a major influence on the destruction of our family unit. I ruined my reputation as a reliable, trusted nurse and academic. My friends tired of my boorish ways. When I drank I turned from the nice guy (Dr Jeckyl) into a belligerent, angry, abusive, drunken bore (My Hyde). My drinking alcohol seriously affected my health and the health of my family. I was a poor husband, role model for my son’s and a useless human being.
The consequences are now real- divorce, no family home, no contact from family/friends . Alcohol made me feel good- when I was feeling in control of my life. Alcohol gave a release from stress. Alcohol destroyed my life and seriously affected the lives of my wife and sons because I knew it was damaging and I did nothing about it. I just kept drinking. It became a way of escaping life. I did not care and nobody (I thought) cared about me. I hurt others-leaving them vulnerable and betrayed.. My experiences in late 2015 are a metaphor for my whole adult life experience with alcohol and the way it nearly finished.
I accept and own this history. I stand accountable. By being in recovery, AA meetings, self critical (?) thinking and SR-I have become more realistically aware and empathic and compassionate to the impact of my drinking on those in my world- and me in theirs. My father did the same to me- but I did not learn. I feel sadness- evolved from guilt and shame. From self hatred and believing I deserve hardship as a punishment to proactively changing myself. Self pity and blaming is not an option. With this self awareness I am slowly maturing emotionally. I am changing into the person I could have been if I did not drink. This much I do know. I cannot undo what has passed. I hurt people. With skills I am learning- my mind set is changing, not only rationally but spiritually and emotionally. I am becoming more aware of who I am- without alcohol. Part of this is accepting my past and the real time consequences of my abuse of alcohol in it. The consequences on my wife and sons, friends and others. I have begun to understand the consequences on others and myself, pre 2015 and now. I am truly sorry and feel regret for what I became.
Victims of crime are invited to share their experience face to face with the person who committed a crime against them by reading out an impact statement. This is to hopefully try and get the criminal (?) to not only understand and feel remorse but show this through changing spiritually and by actions. I was the criminal. I believe I am doing this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
The real joy of recovery for me has been becoming who I was always mean to be,. I've been blessed with lot of second chances too...most, not all, but most of my loved ones forgave me.
I wish the same for you too PJ
D
I wish the same for you too PJ
D
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Reality
Posts: 491
Dear Phoenixj, I always read your post and really understand them because I too am an alcoholic and can end up doing the same things if I continue this path. (Had done already many unexplained horrible things)
Try to be kind to yourself because you are trying to change and there's good in you. Just keep going. I know is Christmas and you miss your family but you have us at SR in the meantime till you and your family get together again. Just keep doing the next right thing for yourself because you deserve it.
Thank you for your posts it had help me a lot 🤗
Try to be kind to yourself because you are trying to change and there's good in you. Just keep going. I know is Christmas and you miss your family but you have us at SR in the meantime till you and your family get together again. Just keep doing the next right thing for yourself because you deserve it.
Thank you for your posts it had help me a lot 🤗
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Phoenix,
The day I tried to kill myself, my family had told me they were done with my drinking. My husband left. My daughter left. I was alone and I was drunk. Dying seemed like my best alternative. I took 30 or more Xanax. I really didn't want to wake up. But when I woke up in the hospital and my family was there - I was so relieved.
It has been a year. It has been a lot of hard work and a lot of tears and of course, in the beginning, I was still drinking. I can relate on every level to what you are saying.
You are remarkable and I am so thankful you are in my recovery. You truly are the epitome of strength.
My prayers, my Christmas Wish for you, is that your emails to your son will one day get through. That your sons will see what a changed man you are.
Big hugs from the middle of the other side.
The day I tried to kill myself, my family had told me they were done with my drinking. My husband left. My daughter left. I was alone and I was drunk. Dying seemed like my best alternative. I took 30 or more Xanax. I really didn't want to wake up. But when I woke up in the hospital and my family was there - I was so relieved.
It has been a year. It has been a lot of hard work and a lot of tears and of course, in the beginning, I was still drinking. I can relate on every level to what you are saying.
You are remarkable and I am so thankful you are in my recovery. You truly are the epitome of strength.
My prayers, my Christmas Wish for you, is that your emails to your son will one day get through. That your sons will see what a changed man you are.
Big hugs from the middle of the other side.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 28,801
God forgives us all and for that I am eternally grateful.
Forgive yourself.
You are worth that much.
And someday may others forgive you too.
That is what I also hope for.
We're embarking on a new life. So far it is a good one for me.
Love to you.
Forgive yourself.
You are worth that much.
And someday may others forgive you too.
That is what I also hope for.
We're embarking on a new life. So far it is a good one for me.
Love to you.
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