Mediation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Mediation
Hi,
It's been almost a year since I left my home and AH. Life has had its ups and downs for me this past year. I have moved twice, but think I'm settled for awhile. I feel in control of my life, to a point, but since this divorce is still in process, my finances are in ruin.
The court has ordered mediation, which my AH has been very resistant too. Why would he want things to change. He's running our business, showing that he has no income. He's living in our home, and his sister is paying all his bills. Nothing has changed for him.
Our mediation date is Jan 4th. Not sure what to expect.
I just want some closure to this chapter of my life. I want to move on.
I just want to breathe again and smell the roses, and not have to perseverate over court dates, missing paperwork, and dread getting the mail, because there is another letter from my lawyer.
I've had the last year to grieve over the loss of the life I knew, the dream I had, and the man who I no longer recognize that was my husband.
I want this finished so I can truely move on and continue to work on my healing.
What I'm not willing to do is compromise on what I need financially to survive, so this could be another rough year.
During this past year, I have grown into my own skin. I like who I am. As difficult as the moves were, I think the distance, is what I needed to see things clearly.
I would like to thank everyone on this forum. I couldn't have gotten through all of this without you. I still have a long way to go, but I now have the courage and strength not to look back!
Z
It's been almost a year since I left my home and AH. Life has had its ups and downs for me this past year. I have moved twice, but think I'm settled for awhile. I feel in control of my life, to a point, but since this divorce is still in process, my finances are in ruin.
The court has ordered mediation, which my AH has been very resistant too. Why would he want things to change. He's running our business, showing that he has no income. He's living in our home, and his sister is paying all his bills. Nothing has changed for him.
Our mediation date is Jan 4th. Not sure what to expect.
I just want some closure to this chapter of my life. I want to move on.
I just want to breathe again and smell the roses, and not have to perseverate over court dates, missing paperwork, and dread getting the mail, because there is another letter from my lawyer.
I've had the last year to grieve over the loss of the life I knew, the dream I had, and the man who I no longer recognize that was my husband.
I want this finished so I can truely move on and continue to work on my healing.
What I'm not willing to do is compromise on what I need financially to survive, so this could be another rough year.
During this past year, I have grown into my own skin. I like who I am. As difficult as the moves were, I think the distance, is what I needed to see things clearly.
I would like to thank everyone on this forum. I couldn't have gotten through all of this without you. I still have a long way to go, but I now have the courage and strength not to look back!
Z
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Zircon, this is a great post for the night of solstice; it seems to touch on topics of light and dark, hope and fear, grief and healing . . . hmmm . . . can you tell I've been out lighting candalaria under the stars and thinking about polarities and change.
I look forward to hearing more about your courageous journey. Big hug to you!
I look forward to hearing more about your courageous journey. Big hug to you!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Nothing's simple or honest with this guy, is it Zircon? I know you're strong enough to give him a run for his money, and I hope the mediation goes well. Judging from his past behaviour he will do his worst. Control your expectations, won't you?
All the best for Christmas and I hope 2017 will be a much better year.
All the best for Christmas and I hope 2017 will be a much better year.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Z,
You are almost at the finish line. You can do this my friend.
I know when I went to mediation for my divorce, it was not easy. axh hid money also. So when I would get frustrated when he was lying (again) in stead of me going bizerko, I would look him in the eye and say I know the truth. That's all I could do while he lied through his teeth. I would not let him get control of me.
Hugs my friend, you are almost there!!
You are almost at the finish line. You can do this my friend.
I know when I went to mediation for my divorce, it was not easy. axh hid money also. So when I would get frustrated when he was lying (again) in stead of me going bizerko, I would look him in the eye and say I know the truth. That's all I could do while he lied through his teeth. I would not let him get control of me.
Hugs my friend, you are almost there!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Continued
Hi,
My brother and sister-in-law came to visit me from Florida. They stayed with me overnight and left this morning to go visit my sister.
We discussed mediation. It was their thoughts, similar to mine, that it's been almost a year. Through my lawyer, we have asked for a 50-50 split, with no response or counter offer from them. The feeling is mediation might not be effective. Also, my brother stated that no way, my AH should be given 3 months to refinance the house, basically he's had this past year to do it. Also, he said you can prequalified for a mortgage in about 10days. And if he's claiming he has no income, than the house should just be put up for sale. My family feels why should we prolong this another 3 months. My AH should come to the table prequalified for a mortgage, and proof of income.
I'm not sure how mediation works, so I'm not sure I can make these suggestions.
How long are we supposed to let my AH remain comfortable, another 3 months, then have to go back to court to get him out of the house, or who's to say his sister will continue paying the mortgage.
My mind is racing about what might happen! My house is my biggest asset. Any thoughts? Sister has paid his bills since last Feb. My AH is showing no income.
My AH is also very unpredictable. Who knows what he's done to the house. I'm trying to protect my interests. Am I being unreasonable?
Will he just dump the house? Will his sister continue to pay? How long will it take for the court to step in?
Looking for some advice and opinions!!
Thank you all for listening to my ramblings!
Z
My brother and sister-in-law came to visit me from Florida. They stayed with me overnight and left this morning to go visit my sister.
We discussed mediation. It was their thoughts, similar to mine, that it's been almost a year. Through my lawyer, we have asked for a 50-50 split, with no response or counter offer from them. The feeling is mediation might not be effective. Also, my brother stated that no way, my AH should be given 3 months to refinance the house, basically he's had this past year to do it. Also, he said you can prequalified for a mortgage in about 10days. And if he's claiming he has no income, than the house should just be put up for sale. My family feels why should we prolong this another 3 months. My AH should come to the table prequalified for a mortgage, and proof of income.
I'm not sure how mediation works, so I'm not sure I can make these suggestions.
How long are we supposed to let my AH remain comfortable, another 3 months, then have to go back to court to get him out of the house, or who's to say his sister will continue paying the mortgage.
My mind is racing about what might happen! My house is my biggest asset. Any thoughts? Sister has paid his bills since last Feb. My AH is showing no income.
My AH is also very unpredictable. Who knows what he's done to the house. I'm trying to protect my interests. Am I being unreasonable?
Will he just dump the house? Will his sister continue to pay? How long will it take for the court to step in?
Looking for some advice and opinions!!
Thank you all for listening to my ramblings!
Z
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Hang in there, Zircon. In many states, mediation is mandatory unless a judge waives it for some compelling reason (documented abuse, for example). The short version is that if the mediator sees that your AH is not willing to cooperate, the mediator will make a written report to that effect to the judge. That then permits the judge to schedule the whole thing for trial and get it over with.
When I divorced my first husband (who is not an A), I did not think mediation would be of any use at all because XH was being so irrational. The mediator was able to see how crazy XH was acting, and that made me feel a ton better--just to have someone outside the situation look at it and say "holy crap, this is CRAZY." That said, mediation actually DID help us, but my suspicion has long been that XH's parents told him it was in our daughters' best interests for him to stop his absolutely futile and expensive effort to get sole custody. THAT is what I think led XH to cooperate in mediation--not the mediator himself.
When I divorced my first husband (who is not an A), I did not think mediation would be of any use at all because XH was being so irrational. The mediator was able to see how crazy XH was acting, and that made me feel a ton better--just to have someone outside the situation look at it and say "holy crap, this is CRAZY." That said, mediation actually DID help us, but my suspicion has long been that XH's parents told him it was in our daughters' best interests for him to stop his absolutely futile and expensive effort to get sole custody. THAT is what I think led XH to cooperate in mediation--not the mediator himself.
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