shortstop81

I'm just over 6 weeks sober and the 'pink cloud' has dissipated somewhat. My brain has been going into absolute chaos the past week or so, spinning round 'n round with obsessive thoughts. In the past, the only way I could calm myself down was - you guessed it - by drinking alcohol.

My brain wants instant relief. It wants to gain closure on certain issues/people in my life. It wants the quick fix of engaging in behaviours that are unwise and possibly harmful in the long run. It wants something to fill this gaping hole in my soul, and temporarily ease the constant restlessness.

But I know I can't make any important decisions on anything right now. It would be impulsive, and I'd be doing it for the sake of gaining some semblance of 'closure'. But really, it's about trying to force and control a situation that isn't entirely in my hands.

I need clarity and perspective. I need to wait and let time do it's thing for me. The situation will play out regardless of how tightly I hang on.

I know it will come. It just feels like I'm slogging through each of my days right now. But as long as I'm not drinking and working towards my recovery I know I'm on the right path.

Thanks SR for being here. I've been hanging on to this place like a lifeline, constantly immersing myself in reading about recovery.

MidnightRider

Let me be the first to say CONGRATS on your 6 week milestone!

Ariesagain

I'm a big fan of distraction. In my early months I re-read all my favorite books from my childhood and bought all the seasons of Big Bang Theory. My house was never cleaner.

It's like our brains are waking back up and aren't sure where they are, but it gets better. Hang in there, you will get through this!

You're doing great!

Sending you a hug.

entropy1964

I relate 100%. And its cool to read your post because you 'get' what is going on. But, don't know how to relieve it.

I know that my serenity is in direct proportion to my acceptance. Not just of my powerlessness over alcohol, but of my mostly unmanageable life. It is a process, and it does take time, and it doesn't come naturally for me. Hang in there.

MLD51

Congratulations on 6 weeks! That's great!
I was on and off the pink cloud for quite a while. It was an emotional roller-coaster. I was also impatient - I wanted everything to be better, fixed, NOW. I had to just sit back and realize that I had spent years messing things up, and that it was just going to take time. I knew all I could really do was keep doing the next right thing. Even if that was just taking care of everyday business in a responsible manner. There weren't always opportunities to really make any progress on righting wrongs. Just keep at it. Stay aware of the little things you are doing right. Look for those opportunities to make amends or fix a broken situation. Meditate when you start to feel anxious. Or go for a walk. Write things down so they are not just swirling around in your head. Make lists of things you want to accomplish, people you want to make amends to, things you want to improve about yourself. There's really no such thing as instant gratification, even in a bottle. Gratification comes from accepting situations you have no real control over, and working to resolve the things you do have control over. (Can you hear the AA influence in my post?) Have patience and faith that things WILL get better, a little bit every day.

thomas11

Good job on your resolve. I think its called "putting in the work". And you will be rewarded, just not with alcohol.

FreeOwl

the further we get from the 'solution' of alcohol....

the closer we get to resolution in our lives....



keep it up!

shortstop81

Thanks for the kind words.



I think I'm beginning to realize that it's ME that's the problem right now, and not necessarily the situations or circumstances in my life.

Anna

Ah yes, I remember feeling that way many times. The good thing is that you do have control over how you react to any given situation. Congratulations on 6 weeks of recovery and it sounds like you have very good perspective about what is going on.

Dee74

well down on 6 weeks shortstop

D

shortstop81

My brain has been going crazy since last night. Lots of anxiety...

I keep running into this 'default' way of thinking where I feel like I NEED to make a major decision on things in order to ease this anxiety. Otherwise the issue keeps spinning around in my mind like an obsession.

But just when I'm going to crack and pull the trigger on something, I find myself grounded in the knowledge that I'm going through a process right now...

I need to let go of my grip and trust this process. But sometimes it's so damn hard, and most days I don't know whether to trust my own brain.

Just needed to spill my thoughts this morning.

shortstop81

I'm also incredibly lonely in the romantic sense. I have a divorce that is about to be finalized, and residual feelings for someone I can't be with at the moment.

I know that I'm SO not emotionally ready to meet someone new. But gosh, I can't even read about others having a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, significant other. I can barely stomach Facebook and seeing friends pictured with their spouses/partners. The whole topic of love and companionship makes me so utterly sad.

MLD51

I sure know that feeling of being romantically lonely. I went through that myself. But I knew I wasn't ready. When I DID think I was ready, I tried it and discovered I wasn't ready after all. That was last summer. Big fail. I just could not get close to this guy the way he wanted. I still have work to do. So do you. Be your own best friend for a while. You won't regret that in the long run. Yeah, it sucks to be alone sometimes. You'll get more comfortable with it as time goes by, and you discover that you actually enjoy your own company. At least that's how it is for me.

And as for that feeling that you need to make big decisions in order to ease the anxiety - I can identify with that, too. Take deep breaths. I'm sure you realize that making big decisions right now isn't a great idea. Trust the process. One foot in front of the other.