Expanding

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if I shared this here but it's been bothering me pretty heavy since the summer. Last winter I agreed to be a bridesmaid in a wedding. I was so excited when she asked so of course I said yes. Fast forward just a few months and the breakup happens and everything I thought I knew changes. Her fiancé is an "obvious" alcoholic. No hiding, no sneaking around, he is what he is and does what he does. I agreed because I wanted to support my friend, and now I don't know if I can.

This is hard for me. I want to be there for her but I don't know what that means anymore. I don't think she should marry an alcoholic but she clearly has issues with denial. In fact, her fiancé was the "benchmark" for my ex ("at least I'm not as bad as him!") and I even started hearing his family defending my ex in the same way. Of course no one has any idea that the ex and his family has been saying this... I asked my ex once how he can say that about his friend...

At any rate... I feel a little stuck. I don't think it's my place to tell her from the rooftops what is so obvious, but I don't know if I can sit and watch it happen either. Ugh.

Almost forgot to mention my ex is most likely in the bridal party

maia1234

E,
Ugh!! I agree with you. From what I lived and learned being with an alcoholic, I don't know if I could support this wedding also. It's on my principals. It destroyed my marriage, my family and nearly me. I really don't think I could take part and be happy for an impending train wreck.

You have to do what you believe in. If you do it, you won't feel right. If you don't do it, you will lose a friendship.

Sending hugs and clarity that you make the right decision that you can sleep with at night.

LexieCat

Well, you actually have a handy excuse if you want to bow out--your ex.

You could say that you wish her/them the best, but given the history, you are uncomfortable being at the wedding with your ex. You can send a lovely gift with your best wishes and your regrets. I'd do it ASAP, too--she shouldn't have to scramble at the last minute to ask someone else. As a friend, you might also express your concern to her. You might also say that given your experience with your ex, she might want to remember that Al-Anon is available to her if the drinking ever becomes too much for her to deal with.

August252015

My first sponsor always reminded me not to take other people's inventories. And the old adage of keeping my side of the street clean. It is hard when people we care about (or their loved ones) are doing the things we clearly see as alcoholism or other destructive behavior (to self and others).

I would need to decide what to do for my sobriety. If in any way this wedding, scenario or even friendship threaten(s) that, then I would need to remove myself from the equation. Everything and everyone comes after my sobriety. Loving with detachment and from a distance is sometimes necessary; I have a clearly alcoholic friend who has been with me through my whole journey, and he won't stop drinking. I have to keep a distance because I simply cannot make that (obviously better) choice for him. I also can't afford emotional drama involved in family dynamics - I have to detach and deal from "the adjacent circus tent" as my boyfriend (also in recovery)and I call the situation with his alcoholic ex-wife, for example. That is hard at times and it requires me to redouble my focus on my recovery.

Good luck.

Ariesagain

Seconding Lexiecat...you could also add that weddings are just too sad for you right now on the heels of your breakup.

As for him being an alcoholic...that's a tough one. You could buy her Codependent No More, suggest she hold off on getting pregnant, and tell her you're always there if she needs help, but in the short-term, you'll probably lose her as a friend. But she'll know where to turn, so there's that.

Sending you a hug.

dandylion

Expanding...I would opt for the excuse that you would be too uncomfortable with your ex in the wedding, also.....give her an especially nice gift and leave it go at that......

OMG....I have been to sooo many weddings where I just knew that it didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of lasting............

FireSprite

I would bow out simply because of my ex being involved in the bridal party..... & it sounds like he is very close with the groom?... does their relationship pre-date your friendship with the bride?

Beyond that, I would NOT give unsolicited advice to my friend. There's no way for it not to come off sounding judgmental. Even though it appears to be the perfect storm from where you sit, you really DON'T know what is best for her - none of us do. People get married for all the wrong reasons & under "bad" conditions all the time, but it's not up to me to tell them how to live their lives.

Now - if she ASKED your opinion............ that's a horse of a different color altogether!

AnvilheadII

it doesn't matter WHAT the event is.....you are in control of the decision of whether or not you wish to participate. you do not NEED an excuse. you are never obligated just because you said yes....you always retain the right to change your mind and say no.

BitingTheBullet

Ok at the risk of sounding pompous... The job of a bridesmaid is to support the bride and groom. If you cant do that you shouldnt take the job. I said no to a friend (20 years ago) and was not in the wedding. They are still married. we are still friendly.