firebolt

is me.

I had a fun day with my brothers kids for his birthday - his wife was invited but declined. His wife sent out a midnight tirade to the whole family saying that my time with him was the straw that broke the camels back and she had to say something. It went on and on about how I am with my brother (we joke and poke back and forth - always have) and how our texts about bad roads (we were all supposed to drive 3 hours to a family party) stressed them out, and about how its him and his kids are HER family and we need to back off. MY words here (and I am biased )- basically, we are jerks for loving him and his kids too much, for wanting to see them, for worrying about them on roads, and for doing things for him without her knowledge. Her reaction was off the charts and inappropriate.

It was insane. And abusively controlling in my opinion. And extremely underhanded. And now I am concerned that she is trying to isolate him from his friends and family. She HAS effectively removed some of his friends from their lives. I want him to take some responsibility, and put his foot down, but I am also aware of the melt downs, the silent treatment, and the hatred filled rants she can deliver. I have been guilty of some of these things at times in my past relationships, and I can see how truly sick it is now.

I responded calmly and told her that I will not be controlled in this manner, and that she cannot dictate my relationship with him as much as I cannot dictate theirs. Shes ignoring me now at the kids events. Christmas at their place will be fun, I'm sure.

And with all the work I've done on myself in the last 4 years, I laid awake all that night and stewed. My sister and I called each other and had a 6!tch / make fun of her session. That happened Saturday night and it's Monday and I am still ANGRY. I dealt with it well to SIL, I have NOT actually dealt with it well.

I told my RA boss a snippet of what happened, and she said, all you can do is pray for her. So I asked God to help her not be such a B all the time. My boss said not like that. Check out the sick man's prayer.

I did. And it helped. And then I came here, and today's Language of Letting go is a smack upside the head to me. And then I see a post by Saint Francis about everyone hating her, and that and the responses helped me. And then I read St Francis's signature line (part of the prayer)...and I got goosebumps - and yeah...voo - doo doll purchase averted.

OH, and for the record, the sick man's prayer is called St Francis Prayer. HP at work folks. Between you all, recovery and HP...I will deal with this better.

"Lord, make me a channel of thy peace - that where there is hatred, I may bring love - that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness - that where there is discord, I may bring harmony - that where there is error, I may bring truth - that where there is doubt, I may bring faith - that where there is despair, I may bring hope - that where there are shadows, I may bring light - that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted - to understand, than to be understood - to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen."

PhoenixJ

LexieCat

Love that prayer--never heard it called the "sick man's prayer," though, just the prayer of St. Francis.

One of the other strategies (and it's along the same lines) is to pray for the people you resent, for them to have the same things you want for yourself. It actually does work--not necessarily for them, but for us.

Kboys

Love that, thanks firebolt

firebolt

Smart - thanks Lexie.

I don't know why it's so difficult at the moment. Admittedly, and small part of me sees some mirrored similarities to how I was - even though I like to think I was never SOOO monstrous. Lol. I never wanted to control or **** off boyfriends families anyway...

And I am struggling with feeling backtracked, and worrying that I won't act right in the heat of the moment, or face to face should it arise again. I was lucky that this was all through text. It took me an hour of writing my response and deleting it to finally send a semi composed, short, boundary laying response. My original looked nothing like the final. I went back and forth from inventorying her side of the street and calling her out on all the crappiness and control and and double standards through the years, to only sending a degrading (yet humorous) meme (because I am a child evidently) to the final few sentences I landed on. Nothing like reminders that my work is NOT over for myself.

Maudcat

Not a whole lot you can do about crazy in-laws. Be there for bro and children when needed, keep the boundaries strong, keep posting here, and try not to let her make YOU crazy too.

Bekindalways

Thanks for this Fireboat. I walk a thin line with my inlaws and try to keep my actions towards them squeaky clean along with a philosophy of staying out of things as much as possible (I have learned to do this via being really inappropriately involved - argh. I still writhe over my past actions). No matter how rigorous I am in my actions, my attitude can be pretty dang toxic - yuck.

I'm off to reread Stfrancis' post and the language of letting go. Sigh. This being-human can sure be rough.

FireSprite

I *adore* this phrase - omgoodness, you gave me such a good laugh when I first read the title of this post!

I think you handled this all very well. She sounds like a very difficult person to be around - good luck at Christmas!!!

knowthetriggers

I heard in an Alanon meeting a long time ago to pray for their health, happiness and prosperity.

I found these notes not long ago and have used this in my prayers again. It has worked for me in the past.

Thank for sharing!!

Wisconsin

Much, much love to you, fb. I have been similarly stewing for a few days over a big blowup with STBXAH. He found out about some financial stuff that I had deliberately (and yes, wrongly) kept hidden from him to avoid the tirade of abuse that I knew would come. The whole subject is absolutely fraught for me. Financial stuff remains my biggest demon, and it remains the easiest and fastest way for him to take me right back to that place of being abused and berated and feeling like the worst person in the world and a terrible mother. I wish very much that I had handled the entire thing differently, and better. But I didn't, and here we are, and I can look upon our fights in recent days and be very, very angry (once again) at how totally clueless this disease has made him.

But I can *also* see very well how the large majority of this particular issue is absolutely my fault. I can *also* see that another reason I kept this all hidden was because it enabled me to stay firmly planted on the moral high ground in the demise of our relationship. Now that this is all out in the open between us, it's much harder for me to point the finger and say "look at all the horrible things you did to me."

But...these things do NOT give him a right to abuse me. So I have been turning the whole thing over in my head, losing sleep, being VERY grinchy. I'm mad at myself for the fact of the situation. It is, in large part, my fault. But I am ALSO mad at myself for not putting a stop to his abuse during our phone calls in recent days. This is my single biggest area of guilt and shame, and despite all my recovery, I let that take over and stamp out (temporarily) my recovery skills. And yes, a part of me is STILL mad at this man, who has allowed his disease to completely transform his ability to be rational. Mad that he STILL refuses to seek help. Mad that he STILL will throw out a couple of times a year the suggestion that he is "cleaning up" his act, which without fail involves attempting to moderate for a few days or weeks.

I love this prayer. Thank you so much for sharing it, because it has given me a new way to turn my focus back on the positive things that I, myself, can be doing (instead of sitting around beating myself up, or sitting around being mad at someone who is both sick and crazy and is incapable of meaningful and genuine interaction with me).

LexieCat

Oh, biggest hugs, Wisconsin! None of us is perfect. We ALL make mistakes. You've learned from this one. The sad thing is, he probably can't/won't learn from his. Dust yourself off, fix what you can, and then forgive yourself and try to let it go. Self-awareness is terrific; self-flagellation not so much.

Wisconsin

Thanks so much, Lexie.

And fb, I've been meaning to ask; how is your brother doing? I can't remember if you have more than one brother...is this the one who had the bad accident?

firebolt

Thanks guys.

I DID pray that God lead her to Recovery, health, content, peace and happiness...all things I have asked God to lead me to. It helped me to calm the hell down for sure.

Now...If I can keep myself from wearing my "Gratitude" hoodie at Christmas...

Even though it is VERY appropriate for the day, it could be taken out of context. And I say that...because a tiny sliver of me wants to wear it outside of the context of Christmas. <3

Thanks for letting me vent.

firebolt

Damn Wisconsin, You can wear my Serenity hoodie for Xmas, and I'll wear the Gratitude one Hang in there!!

I just have the 1 brother. Hes doing alright from the wreck- still sober YAY. Going to counseling, and the counselor recommended AA. He said he was thinking of checking out a meeting a couple months ago. I don't know if he did and don't want to push. Body is as healed as it's going to be. Lots of arthritis already, and a fused thumb that is giving him some troubles. He got through the court stuff - drunk class, victim impact panel, and spent a night in jail. So...hes taking THOSE consequences like a champ. Seems ok except with their marriage. He and his wife had troubles before, but more sever after the wreck. Hes told me she cannot let it go, shes very, very angry. She doesn't seem to like him much, drunk or sober. I get it, it's so hard. And it's really, REALLY hard for me to see her issues, listen to her tirades about what everyone else on the planet needs to do better....and not tell her how she can fix herself. HAHA! The irony..

Maudcat

If everyone would just listen to me and do what I tell them, everything would be fine.

Bekindalways

No, no, no! Listen to [B]me[B] and then they would be fine!

Blame/complain is to human spiritual health what heroin is to physical/mental health . . .and I for one like to indulge.