Fell in love with an alcoholic

Old 12-19-2016, 12:28 PM
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Fell in love with an alcoholic

Hello, everyone!
I will try to keep this short, I've found myself in a very hard postion. This year I've met a guy - funny, smart, kind. Pretty quickly we started dating, from the very beggining of the relationship he told me he has a past with depression and alcohol abuse. I know that alcoholism is a life-long struggle, but when I met him he seemed in a good place - getting regular check-ups by doctor, open about his drinking issues, etc. Though he was doing social-drinking (beer or two on a night out), that seemed worrying to me, but he said that his doctors allow him to drink moderately (I'm guessing that was a lie, though). A couple of months into dating I started noticing weird behaviours (calling me in the middle of the night, weird texts, etc) We live in a different cities so we don't get to see each other often, though we talk/text everyday.
When I asked what's happening, he admited that he's relapsing and that he thinks he needs help. He immediately signed up for recovery group, he has been very open with me about his alcoholism and depression, recovery plan,etc.
The thing I am worried about is that our relationship is not helping - it's long-distance, so it's adding more stress, he's always feeling guilty for having problems and dragging me into them (though I'm trying to reassure him that I'm here for him if he needs emotional support). Talking from selfish perspective - I'm in love with this amazing person and I want to be with him through all his struggles (I realise that it means not only supporting him, but be prepared to give him space and know that he probably will relapse again, and that's going to be a long, bumpy road). Also we're talking a lot about our future, he's saying that he sees future with me and for that he wants to get sober. The question is, how can I help him, is this relationship is good for him?
I'm so confused because it's quite early stage in our relationship (though he's been very open and honest with me,also he's not only talking about recovery,he is actively searching for help, going to doctors and therapists), but I don't know how should I behave and how I could be the most supportive? I understand that a relationship (especially quite new one) is probably not something that he needs right now, and I'm prepared to be more of a friend than a lover, but ho can I offer my help and at the same time not be in a way of his recovery?
I will appreciate all your help and thoughts!
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Old 12-19-2016, 12:42 PM
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I wouldn't offer any "help," and I'd suggest a hiatus on discussions about the future for right now. Just keep things low-key, and let him take the lead on what he wants to share with you.

I'd suggest reminding yourself on a more-or-less constant basis that this may not work out. If he doesn't get sober and stay that way, you really don't want to get more involved than you are.

Oh, and incidentally, he isn't "relapsing"--he's just trying to manage his drinking. That never works.
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Old 12-19-2016, 12:51 PM
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I am married to an alcoholic for 18 years. Like your alcoholic mine told me his stories and how he managed to not drink. Oh he was managing alright, he was not drinking - sure but he was using pills that I was not aware of until AFTER we were married.

He slowly slipped into depression while I was pregnant with our first child and 6 months after she was born he drank again.

I echo what Lexiecat already said, your AB did not "relapse" he is just progressing in his disease, like they all do.

If all the "help" and "love" I put in over 18 years couldn't help my alcoholic then an early long distance relationship won't "help" your alcoholic.

Don't mean to sound harsh by any means, just being truthful.
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Old 12-19-2016, 01:01 PM
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It sounds like you love him a lot. Sadly, love isn't enough when in a relationship with an alcohol-dependent person. If you read around this site and learn how others are dealing, or not dealing, with situations similar to yours. You will read about heartbreak, sadness, rage, frustration, and disappointment. You really can't help him. This is his journey. I would walk away, quickly.
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Old 12-19-2016, 02:04 PM
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Thank you all for your replies, I feel like you're telling me the truths that I already know but struggle to accept. I will go to the other question then - how to leave him?
At this point I'm positive that he's doing some changes in his life (I met his therapist, so it's not only my boyfriend's "word" that he's getting help, it's actually happening). Nonetheless, I agree to you all - it's his journey, not mine. I feel like he is "projecting" on me - I feel like by talking about what future he imagines with me he is avoiding the scary unknown future of being sober. As I mentioned, he also has depression and very low self-esteem and being in a loving relationship made him to act dependent - he keeps saying that he wants to change because of me, etc. (I think, through my eyes he can see the person he can become). I understand all this (being emotionally dependent, especially so early in the relationship) is due both to his depression and alcoholism and for him to start recovering he needs to do that on his own and not by starting unhealthy and dependant relationship. The question is how can I leave him? I know that his first reaction might be feeling guilty, feeling "not enough", a "lost case", etc. I know I can't prevent that for happening, but how to do that with least negative impact? Despite everything, and understanding that I HAVE to leave him in order for both of us to get a chance in having a good life, I really care about him and wish that his start for recovery would be continued for his own sake.
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Old 12-19-2016, 02:05 PM
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there is no such thing as social drinking for an alcoholic. so while he was open with you about his problem, he was not addressing it.

all of that far preceded your arrival into his life. and none of it is anything you should feel the need to FIX. he's either going to figure this out and seize sobriety for life, or continue to struggle. either way it means he won't have a whole lot left over to "give" to a relationship.

you are not the problem. but you may want to sit and think hard about your own needs. this is a very new relationship.....it's the time frame when we assess what THEY have shown us about themselves. and decide if we really want to keep going or gracefully bow out.
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Old 12-19-2016, 02:44 PM
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Here's a suggestion. You can tell him that you care for him very much, but right now, a relationship isn't a good idea. He's got some things he needs to sort out, and you can't help him with those things. You can tell him you want him to recover, and that you believe he can do that, but it has to be without your help--he has to do it for himself, not to please you, and not with any hope for a specific future with you.

Tell him that when he's solidly sober, for a significant stretch of time (if he presses you, say a year) that he can give you a call if he chooses, and you can revisit the idea of a relationship if you're both in a position to give it a shot. I wouldn't hold out any more promise than that you will answer the phone if he calls after that length of time, and I WOULDN'T put my life on hold waiting to see what happens with him, either. You both might meet other people, and that might be what's meant to happen.

Just my two cents.
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Old 12-19-2016, 02:50 PM
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I feel for you notbrowneyed. There's nothing I can add to what's already been said here. But life with an alcoholic can be so hard. Even when we sober up it's something we have to treat every day of our lives, which means you will have to deal with it, too. Please tread carefully.
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Old 12-19-2016, 02:53 PM
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Lexiecat's reasoning is sound. I would listen. Though he may want to change for you, he really has to change for him. That takes all the strength one can muster at times, and his recovery must be job 1 for him if he is to succeed. Peace.
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Old 12-19-2016, 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Here's a suggestion. You can tell him that you care for him very much, but right now, a relationship isn't a good idea. He's got some things he needs to sort out, and you can't help him with those things. You can tell him you want him to recover, and that you believe he can do that, but it has to be without your help--he has to do it for himself, not to please you, and not with any hope for a specific future with you.

Tell him that when he's solidly sober, for a significant stretch of time (if he presses you, say a year) that he can give you a call if he chooses, and you can revisit the idea of a relationship if you're both in a position to give it a shot. I wouldn't hold out any more promise than that you will answer the phone if he calls after that length of time, and I WOULDN'T put my life on hold waiting to see what happens with him, either. You both might meet other people, and that might be what's meant to happen.

Just my two cents.
I was going to say the same thing but in a much more condensed version. Like, get your sh*t together then give me a call.
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Old 12-19-2016, 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by notbrowneyed View Post
I HAVE to leave him in order for both of us to get a chance in having a good life, I really care about him and wish that his start for recovery would be continued for his own sake.
Then that's where you start. He's currently surrounded by therapy and recovery experts, so I would not waste each other's time. You are very smart!
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Old 12-19-2016, 04:50 PM
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The others here give good, solid advice.

I am glad that you found SR early on in your relationship. I moved out of state to live with my xabf. Unfortunately, I had not found SR until I was 6 months in. I, too, was more focused on him than on myself. It gets you nowhere but sucked into the vortex and it is very, very dark in there.

Put yourself and your well-being first.
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Old 12-19-2016, 05:29 PM
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Hi Notbrowneyed! Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us.

Do all the reading you can on alcoholism and codependency. It helps to be educated.

It does sound like you already have some understanding of the situation in that this is something you can't really help with. Like it has been said above, it is a good idea for the user to have a good solid year of sobriety/recovery before getting in to a relationship.

Let us know how you get on. It is pretty tough being involved on any level with an addict/alcoholic.
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Old 12-20-2016, 06:36 AM
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Some great advice for you here, notbrowneyed. I echo what LexieCat, TobeC and BeKindAlways say... If/when you say goodbye to him do make sure to do some reading around here and other places (Al-Anon literature, CoDependent No More are two great places to start). I personally was not educated at all about alcoholism until recently and I wish I had known way more before I married my soon to be AXH. ( Also there's a great sticky post on all the acronyms we use on this site!)

There's a thread here titled "Would you marry an alcoholic?" and it's a really enlightening read - I'd recommend it, too. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

Welcome to SR - you are very lucky to have found this place so early on. Keep us posted and keep posting - we're cheering for you!
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Old 12-20-2016, 09:14 AM
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The question is, how can I help him, is this relationship is good for him?

I think the question you should be asking yourself is if this relationship is good for you? Put yourself first cos he will. If he truly wants to recover a relationship should be on the back burner for at least a year. ...maybe longer. He needs to focus on himself. He always will need to focus on himself even when he in recovery. Recovery is a hard road with many pitfalls and he has to want to do it regardless of you. Am sorry if I sound negative but life with an alcoholic is not an easy one no matter what stage they are at.
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Old 12-20-2016, 11:38 PM
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Thank you to each and everyone of you, your reponses made me feel stronger on what I have to do. The hard part is that we're not seeing each other in person until next month (as I told you,we live in different cities) and I don't even know how to handle this - we both been so excited about the meeting, and that is what he's talking about all the time. Should I say something over the phone, or should I wait until we meet, but how to act in that time in between? I know what I have to do, but that doesn't make it easy or doesn't make me heartless, I've been a snotty mess this week. And he's been updating me on how his treatments are going, etc. and I feel like ****, I want to be there for him and support him, but I know at the same time it can be counter-helpful and enabling..
Sorry for complaining, I know many of you are going through tough times and my problems might seem little (we haven't been together for that long, he haven't done anything terrible, etc) but I'm just an emotional mess and, obviously, I can't talk about it with my friends (his drinking/sobriety is his thing, I'm not telling anyone, I know most of his friends know but it's still not my place to discuss it with anyone except him or his doctors) so my mind is spinning like crazy
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Old 12-21-2016, 05:21 AM
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Honestly? I'd let him know now. It won't hurt any less to tell him in person. it doesn't seem fair to string him along like everything's wonderful. If he drinks, he drinks. Life is full of disappointments, and one of the challenges in learning to live sober is to deal with it without picking up a drink. If he chooses to use it, he's got plenty of support to lean on. If he chooses not to use it, well, he's probably just not ready to quit.
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Old 12-21-2016, 05:23 AM
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Hon,
Alcoholics love enablers, people who want to help. Alcoholics can only count on one person to get sober, and that's himself. I was 34 years with axh, and if I knew what you just told me early in my relationship, I would run fast and never look back.

Pain and more pain is what it is like having a relationship with an addict. Tell him you love him and you are stepping away so he can "regroup" on his sobriety. No relationship is good when he needs to focus on himself, 100%. If he wants a time frame tell him to reach out at his 6 month alcohol free anniversary date to check in. They say it is hard to get rid of an addict, so it might not be that easy, be prepared. Hugs, you will be so grateful you did this for yourself, when you look back.
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Old 12-21-2016, 05:35 AM
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Originally Posted by notbrowneyed View Post
Sorry for complaining, I know many of you are going through tough times and my problems might seem little (we haven't been together for that long, he haven't done anything terrible, etc) but I'm just an emotional mess and, obviously, I can't talk about it with my friends
Please never think your problems are any less than anyone else's--we are all here b/c our lives have been impacted by someone else's drinking, and that's all that matters. No comparisons, no degrees, no looking for the differences--what matters is what we all have in common.

Glad to see you back and posting.
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Old 12-21-2016, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
Please never think your problems are any less than anyone else's--we are all here b/c our lives have been impacted by someone else's drinking, and that's all that matters. No comparisons, no degrees, no looking for the differences--what matters is what we all have in common.

Glad to see you back and posting.
^^^^ This!

NotBE if this forum can help to keep things from getting worse for folks who have just fallen in love with an A then all the better. I would rather have you here at this point than down the road with 3 kids and an alcoholic husband.
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