Overcoming anger in sobriety
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 520
Overcoming anger in sobriety
Hi 
I've always had a short fuse, and whilst it doesn't manifest in violence I can be a pretty awful person to be around. I worry deeply about how it affects my kids, particularly in terms of learned behaviours. I find myself getting angry about the same minor things my dad did whist I was growing up, and I even say the same things he used to when I lose my temper.
I had hoped that quitting alcohol would be a cure for this, but it's only lessened the frequency and intensity of outbursts.
I'm a believer in doing things one step at a time, and for the last five months I've stayed alcohol free after nearly a quarter of a century of heavy drinking. I feel ready to take on my next big demon.
This forum remains a tremendous support to me, I owe it more than I can say. I have tried one to one counselling for my drinking, which only made things worse for me, and I couldn't summon up the courage for face to face group therapy.
So I thought I'd post in case others had managed to overcome anger in sobriety, and could share their experiences or give me some clues where to start looking.
Apologies if this post is in the wrong place or deemed off topic, mods please move or remove as you see fit.
I've always had a short fuse, and whilst it doesn't manifest in violence I can be a pretty awful person to be around. I worry deeply about how it affects my kids, particularly in terms of learned behaviours. I find myself getting angry about the same minor things my dad did whist I was growing up, and I even say the same things he used to when I lose my temper.
I had hoped that quitting alcohol would be a cure for this, but it's only lessened the frequency and intensity of outbursts.
I'm a believer in doing things one step at a time, and for the last five months I've stayed alcohol free after nearly a quarter of a century of heavy drinking. I feel ready to take on my next big demon.
This forum remains a tremendous support to me, I owe it more than I can say. I have tried one to one counselling for my drinking, which only made things worse for me, and I couldn't summon up the courage for face to face group therapy.
So I thought I'd post in case others had managed to overcome anger in sobriety, and could share their experiences or give me some clues where to start looking.
Apologies if this post is in the wrong place or deemed off topic, mods please move or remove as you see fit.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Congratulations on your recovery, and for deciding to work on your anger issue. For sure, stopping drinking helps everything, but it doesn't solve the tough problems. I had a lot of anger too. I had decades of unexpressed anger before I began drinking and when I stopped drinking, I was even more angry with myself for what I'd done. Journaling was helpful to me. It was good to be able to get the feelings out and put them down on paper. It helped to take away their power.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Naples fl
Posts: 2
Hey
I just quit few days ago because of another blackout. But it gave me two days during the withdrawal to search the internet in regards to anger.
I am so angry for the past 7 years . When I drank , I drank heavy 2 times a week max. Sometimes once a week. But what I had noticed since my panic attacks started in 2005 I started to get angry at anything and it did not make any sense. The anger tantrums would create panic attacks that I thought it would really give me heart attacks or stroke. I was so nasty towards my mother and my girl that the anger would send me into abyss with panic attacks. I could not figure it out why I get so angry. It's the alcohol. Just found out that between 1 month and 18 months that's when PAWS post acute withdrawal syndromes come in. Rewiring of ur whole brain is taking place and it takes time that the transmitters that are responsible for your anger. You mention that you are sober for 5 months so maybe it will take longer. Depending on everything. The way you take care of yourself now and how long you abused the alcohol. For me it's only beginning but now it's forever. The anger is just unbearable for me and the withdrawal after each binge are terrible. I am 48 yrs old and these episodes are getting worse and worse. I have a baby coming my first one and I never want him to see me drunk or shaking or angry. I want to be alive for him and not dying because of heart attack or stroke during anger. I am committed now to quitting because I just don't want to die.
Keep me posted how you doing and how you manage your anger. Stay away from xanax and others because u basically substituting addiction with another.
I would like to hear how you progressing if the anger is subsiding etc.
Let me know since you have a head start of 5 months
I just quit few days ago because of another blackout. But it gave me two days during the withdrawal to search the internet in regards to anger.
I am so angry for the past 7 years . When I drank , I drank heavy 2 times a week max. Sometimes once a week. But what I had noticed since my panic attacks started in 2005 I started to get angry at anything and it did not make any sense. The anger tantrums would create panic attacks that I thought it would really give me heart attacks or stroke. I was so nasty towards my mother and my girl that the anger would send me into abyss with panic attacks. I could not figure it out why I get so angry. It's the alcohol. Just found out that between 1 month and 18 months that's when PAWS post acute withdrawal syndromes come in. Rewiring of ur whole brain is taking place and it takes time that the transmitters that are responsible for your anger. You mention that you are sober for 5 months so maybe it will take longer. Depending on everything. The way you take care of yourself now and how long you abused the alcohol. For me it's only beginning but now it's forever. The anger is just unbearable for me and the withdrawal after each binge are terrible. I am 48 yrs old and these episodes are getting worse and worse. I have a baby coming my first one and I never want him to see me drunk or shaking or angry. I want to be alive for him and not dying because of heart attack or stroke during anger. I am committed now to quitting because I just don't want to die.
Keep me posted how you doing and how you manage your anger. Stay away from xanax and others because u basically substituting addiction with another.
I would like to hear how you progressing if the anger is subsiding etc.
Let me know since you have a head start of 5 months
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I carried a lot of anger about past hurts, and it affected my relationships with others (esp family members), my ability to be open and trusting with others, and my ability to cope with times alone or with little to occupy my mind. It was depressing and exhausting.
For the first 6 months of my sobriety I went to AA meetings but resisted working the 12-step recovery program. But after my boss finally arranged for counselling for me which was pretty useless because I only really opened up about the bits I was prepared to discuss (ie. the bits about other people or where I'd behaved in an okay way) I realised that maybe I DID need to do that work. Those 12-steps changed my life (I also did some Inner Child work using the book, Rescuing The Inner Child). I've been able to move past all those old resentments. I no longer waste time and emotional energy on rage and turmoil. I enjoy being alone. I am quietly resilient. Mostly lol.
It sounds like, one way or another, it might be a good time to start some recovery work and find some relief from your pain. It may also be worth reading this article on PAWS if you haven't already done so. .. https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
For the first 6 months of my sobriety I went to AA meetings but resisted working the 12-step recovery program. But after my boss finally arranged for counselling for me which was pretty useless because I only really opened up about the bits I was prepared to discuss (ie. the bits about other people or where I'd behaved in an okay way) I realised that maybe I DID need to do that work. Those 12-steps changed my life (I also did some Inner Child work using the book, Rescuing The Inner Child). I've been able to move past all those old resentments. I no longer waste time and emotional energy on rage and turmoil. I enjoy being alone. I am quietly resilient. Mostly lol.
It sounds like, one way or another, it might be a good time to start some recovery work and find some relief from your pain. It may also be worth reading this article on PAWS if you haven't already done so. .. https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
I have the same experience; in fact, it's why I came here tonight, and one of the big reasons behind the strong feeling I had that I am really, truly an alcoholic. I haven't drank now in 4+ months.
It's the same here... I find myself sounding just like one or both of the angry alcoholics in my childhood. I find myself acting out and I feel like I don't know that angry person. I never used to have outbursts like that. I'd tell myself I was not an angry drunk but I realized that I was, and that just one drink could set me off. What I was when I was drinking was very volatile and unpredictable and intense. Now, my anger is much more infrequent and much less intense, as you described.
I get angry when my serenity is off and my serenity is not that of someone who has it together. I feel like I know this because the sober people I know... the ones who I look at and desire to be like.... it's not their careers or relationships or houses I want. It's the lightness they embody and I think it's a result of surrender, faith, good boundaries, empathy, and acts of service... whether it was aa, or some kind of program, or meditation, or something.
Anyway I have my much better moments but I am definitely not there. But I did come here and this was the first post I saw... and I came here because I just acted like kind of a jerk, and apologized, then thought I should go remember that I'm sober since acting like a jerk makes me remember that I'm a drunk.
It's good stuff to look at this stuff about ourselves, I think.
In Gratitude
B
It's the same here... I find myself sounding just like one or both of the angry alcoholics in my childhood. I find myself acting out and I feel like I don't know that angry person. I never used to have outbursts like that. I'd tell myself I was not an angry drunk but I realized that I was, and that just one drink could set me off. What I was when I was drinking was very volatile and unpredictable and intense. Now, my anger is much more infrequent and much less intense, as you described.
I get angry when my serenity is off and my serenity is not that of someone who has it together. I feel like I know this because the sober people I know... the ones who I look at and desire to be like.... it's not their careers or relationships or houses I want. It's the lightness they embody and I think it's a result of surrender, faith, good boundaries, empathy, and acts of service... whether it was aa, or some kind of program, or meditation, or something.
Anyway I have my much better moments but I am definitely not there. But I did come here and this was the first post I saw... and I came here because I just acted like kind of a jerk, and apologized, then thought I should go remember that I'm sober since acting like a jerk makes me remember that I'm a drunk.
It's good stuff to look at this stuff about ourselves, I think.
In Gratitude
B
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Unfortunately anger has gotten the better of me before im not perfect and I openly admit it rather than pretend I've never gotten angry ? I don't condone it and I see it as the enemy to my peace of mind but anger is a human emotion everyone feels at some time
The good news is it gets better I really rate Anna's suggestion about journaling as it is a excellent reflective tool and you can always go back to see what you done to overcome it & change (that is the most important bit to me)
There are things I am currently doing to really work on my anger like knuckling down on staying mindful as that will help massively in me being aware in the first place also if anger does strike for whatever reason there is a great exercise you can do called the 4-7-8 breathing exercise it's all to do with the vagus nerve (shout out to Bim & Fly) and is a proven technique not just for anger but a whole host of things
My best advice & I give it like I'm I'm telling myself it is step back from any potential situation & then take a step back from myself ... to get outside of my own box so to speak
Anger is the enemy & when my mum was alive she used to say if you get angry you have already lost or something like that
Exercise is also a great help in relieving all that pent up energy too running fast weightlifting etc
The good news is it gets better I really rate Anna's suggestion about journaling as it is a excellent reflective tool and you can always go back to see what you done to overcome it & change (that is the most important bit to me)
There are things I am currently doing to really work on my anger like knuckling down on staying mindful as that will help massively in me being aware in the first place also if anger does strike for whatever reason there is a great exercise you can do called the 4-7-8 breathing exercise it's all to do with the vagus nerve (shout out to Bim & Fly) and is a proven technique not just for anger but a whole host of things
My best advice & I give it like I'm I'm telling myself it is step back from any potential situation & then take a step back from myself ... to get outside of my own box so to speak
Anger is the enemy & when my mum was alive she used to say if you get angry you have already lost or something like that
Exercise is also a great help in relieving all that pent up energy too running fast weightlifting etc
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 520
Thank you everyone, loads to read up on and do starting today. And it reassuring to know I'm not alone in this.
Whilst I was drinking I didn't believe I could ever change my behaviours, much as I wanted to. The greatest gift of quitting was getting my self-respect back, and now I know anything is possible.
I think triggers play a big part in me losing my temper, much like they contributed to my drinking. Identifying them and designing coping mechanisms is something else I must work on.
Whilst I was drinking I didn't believe I could ever change my behaviours, much as I wanted to. The greatest gift of quitting was getting my self-respect back, and now I know anything is possible.
I think triggers play a big part in me losing my temper, much like they contributed to my drinking. Identifying them and designing coping mechanisms is something else I must work on.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,705
I like what SW suggested. Learn how to step back from the situation. Readjust your reaction (since you are now in control) and respond differently. Maybe even laugh outloud...anything different that what you did before. Break that pattern!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
While I'm here Supersonic I think a great book that you will benefit massively from is called the Chimp Paradox it is a awesome book I reread twice over recently after first reading it last year
I uploaded some excerpts if you want to see in the book section of SR it really is a great book that I highly recommend
I uploaded some excerpts if you want to see in the book section of SR it really is a great book that I highly recommend
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I was talking to my daughter about anger the other evening.
I explained to her that anger is either pain or fear.
Getting beneath anger to the source of the pain or fear lets us understand ourselves more deeply... and begin to address the source of the anger rather than be controlled by it.
I explained to her that anger is either pain or fear.
Getting beneath anger to the source of the pain or fear lets us understand ourselves more deeply... and begin to address the source of the anger rather than be controlled by it.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Super,
As I became cleaner, my anger, panic, frustration, tolerance, and serenity have all improved.
I used to get waves of anger and panic daily. As these increased and became more severe, thank God I decided to quit drinking.
I had rationalized they were 100% job, family, or wife related. They were mostly drinking related.
Because of the way I drank, for the last 20 or so years, my brain was pretty much turning into mush. I was not far from some serious personal conflicts during my drinking days.
If couselling is something that you can do w out work issues etc, do it. In my line of work, it leads to a bunch of HR involvement. As soon as I check the box for mental issues on my annual physical, they start asking questions.
So, I am happy to be here, in anonymity, working issues.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
As I became cleaner, my anger, panic, frustration, tolerance, and serenity have all improved.
I used to get waves of anger and panic daily. As these increased and became more severe, thank God I decided to quit drinking.
I had rationalized they were 100% job, family, or wife related. They were mostly drinking related.
Because of the way I drank, for the last 20 or so years, my brain was pretty much turning into mush. I was not far from some serious personal conflicts during my drinking days.
If couselling is something that you can do w out work issues etc, do it. In my line of work, it leads to a bunch of HR involvement. As soon as I check the box for mental issues on my annual physical, they start asking questions.
So, I am happy to be here, in anonymity, working issues.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
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