Lack of connection as a root of addiction?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Lack of connection as a root of addiction?
So I clicked on an article that claims that lack of connection is a root cause of addiction (granted it was something someone shared on Facebook)
And then it goes on to make a statement that people around the addicts should love and care for them until they can learn to love themselves, and when community shows addicts how they are valued - they recover......nowhere it mentioned detachment or any facing of the consequences.
Am I missing something?
I don't know - but the article made me mad somehow.....
And then it goes on to make a statement that people around the addicts should love and care for them until they can learn to love themselves, and when community shows addicts how they are valued - they recover......nowhere it mentioned detachment or any facing of the consequences.
Am I missing something?
I don't know - but the article made me mad somehow.....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I didn't read the article, but I think the problem in "lack of connection" rests more with the alcoholic/addict than it does those around them. A lot of alcoholics I've heard share that they always felt "separate" and "different"--like they didn't "fit in." But the ones I know who have gotten sober don't blame those around them--they attribute it to something lacking within THEMSELVES, and when they address that (by working the Steps) they can then make those connections.
So I think it's half right, but I think they are putting the blame on the wrong people.
So I think it's half right, but I think they are putting the blame on the wrong people.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Ah yes, the famous lack of connection I've been hearing about from my AH for the past four years since his mother died - except... First it was not enough sex - fixed that. Then it was more exciting sex - fixed that. Then it was the clothes, the timing - fixed and fixed. Then lack of appreciation, lack of quality time - check and check. Finally, when none of that stopped him from drinking, he says well it's really a lack of closeness and connection. Agreed. But it's not me, it's him. He is not capable of having a conversation when he's sober. He lies most of the time, at least about important issues. You can not be truly intimate with someone when you are living a lie. I agree that lack of connection may be the source of the problem for many alcoholics, but in my opinion, they will not be able to experience connection and closeness until they are able to love and accept themselves.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
that sounds like the CRAFT method.....to be honest i am not a fan, so my ES&H won't be very positive.
if LOVE were all it took.......we wouldn't BE here. addicts HAVE people who love them....ok, not all, but most have a mother, or a sister, or a best friend out there somewhere who spend countless sleepless nights agonizing over the addict's condition. our site if chock full of loved ones who would cheerfully hack off a limb if they thought it would help. husbands and wives who have spent years LOVING and forgiving and hoping. who have sacrificed their own well being, sometimes even the well being of their own children....hoping.
if the addict "needs" community, they can walk into ANY meeting of AA (circa 1935 - 81 years) or NA (1953 - 63 years) and find a community of addicts working towards the solution. any meeting, any day. for the cost of a buck in the basket, if you got it.
HELP already exists. there are more than 14,500 treatment centers in the US. (Principles of Drug Addiction Treatment: A Research-Based Guide (Third Edition) - NIDA). that would be an AVERAGE of 290 per state.
i grabbed some data from North Dakota, which i would assume would be a state LOWER than that average, as the current population is 739,482, and they have at least 12 different 90 day or longer term treatment facilities.
in 2010 statistics, they estimated 1 in every 10 in the US is addicted to something....alcohol or drugs. yes that is a staggering number, but it is not a problem without a solution already in place.
love isn't the problem here.
ahem............IMHO
if LOVE were all it took.......we wouldn't BE here. addicts HAVE people who love them....ok, not all, but most have a mother, or a sister, or a best friend out there somewhere who spend countless sleepless nights agonizing over the addict's condition. our site if chock full of loved ones who would cheerfully hack off a limb if they thought it would help. husbands and wives who have spent years LOVING and forgiving and hoping. who have sacrificed their own well being, sometimes even the well being of their own children....hoping.
if the addict "needs" community, they can walk into ANY meeting of AA (circa 1935 - 81 years) or NA (1953 - 63 years) and find a community of addicts working towards the solution. any meeting, any day. for the cost of a buck in the basket, if you got it.
HELP already exists. there are more than 14,500 treatment centers in the US. (Principles of Drug Addiction Treatment: A Research-Based Guide (Third Edition) - NIDA). that would be an AVERAGE of 290 per state.
i grabbed some data from North Dakota, which i would assume would be a state LOWER than that average, as the current population is 739,482, and they have at least 12 different 90 day or longer term treatment facilities.
in 2010 statistics, they estimated 1 in every 10 in the US is addicted to something....alcohol or drugs. yes that is a staggering number, but it is not a problem without a solution already in place.
love isn't the problem here.
ahem............IMHO
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,977
Interesting.
I've heard that somewhere that "the opposite of addiction is community" . . . okay, maybe that isn't a word for word quote but close.
AA seems to support this; however it is up to the addict to seek community not the community to seek the addict. . . . I'm thinking out loud here and trying to make sense of this statement and our experience.
I've heard that somewhere that "the opposite of addiction is community" . . . okay, maybe that isn't a word for word quote but close.
AA seems to support this; however it is up to the addict to seek community not the community to seek the addict. . . . I'm thinking out loud here and trying to make sense of this statement and our experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by Westexy 
Ah yes, the famous lack of connection I've been hearing about from my AH for the past four years since his mother died - except... First it was not enough sex - fixed that. Then it was more exciting sex - fixed that. Then it was the clothes, the timing - fixed and fixed. Then lack of appreciation, lack of quality time - check and check. Finally, when none of that stopped him from drinking, he says well it's really a lack of closeness and connection. Agreed. But it's not me, it's him. He is not capable of having a conversation when he's sober. He lies most of the time, at least about important issues. You can not be truly intimate with someone when you are living a lie. I agree that lack of connection may be the source of the problem for many alcoholics, but in my opinion, they will not be able to experience connection and closeness until they are able to love and accept themselves.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's actually sort of a chicken/egg dilemma. Is it that lack of community causes addiction (or stands in the way of recovery) or is it addiction that separates the addict from the community?
Let's face it, how is "community" supposed to "connect" with someone who is intentionally isolating him/herself to feed an addiction? If the collective experience of the people here or in Al-Anon are any indication, love isn't going to cause someone to choose recovery. And when the addict threatens the well-being of the community, it's still supposed to embrace him/her?
Just because some people have a theory doesn't make it true.
Let's face it, how is "community" supposed to "connect" with someone who is intentionally isolating him/herself to feed an addiction? If the collective experience of the people here or in Al-Anon are any indication, love isn't going to cause someone to choose recovery. And when the addict threatens the well-being of the community, it's still supposed to embrace him/her?
Just because some people have a theory doesn't make it true.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
LexieCat - you eloquently explained what I was thinking all along
I can just see how reading material like that may put additional doubts in minds of recovering codependents - after all, all addict needs is to be "embraced".
Ehh....that article sounds like XAH wrote it, IMO - he always talks about these wonderful mythical supportive people who, unlike myself, are supportive and caring.
I can just see how reading material like that may put additional doubts in minds of recovering codependents - after all, all addict needs is to be "embraced".
Ehh....that article sounds like XAH wrote it, IMO - he always talks about these wonderful mythical supportive people who, unlike myself, are supportive and caring.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I can't recall the name of the book or study, but somebody did an experiment with mice and heroin (or some other REALLY addictive drug). They made two communities--one where the mice were isolated, another that was mouse heaven, with friends and activities and such.
They put two water bottles in each community (I think), plain water, and the drug-injected one. In both communities the mice tried the drug water, but in the "fulfilling" one, they opted to drink straight water and left it alone after tasting it.
The mice who were isolated became addicted to the drug water and did nothing but partake.
This seems to support the community theory biologically, so I was intrigued...but as others here have already said, it's up to us to recognize the need and join or immerse in our communities.
Communities can't force us to join and shouldn't have to hunt us down.
They put two water bottles in each community (I think), plain water, and the drug-injected one. In both communities the mice tried the drug water, but in the "fulfilling" one, they opted to drink straight water and left it alone after tasting it.
The mice who were isolated became addicted to the drug water and did nothing but partake.
This seems to support the community theory biologically, so I was intrigued...but as others here have already said, it's up to us to recognize the need and join or immerse in our communities.
Communities can't force us to join and shouldn't have to hunt us down.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 26
Yes the video I think your thinking of is this:
https://youtu.be/ao8L-0nSYzg
This video is adapted from Johann Hari's New York Times best-selling book 'Chasing The Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs.' For more information, and to take a quiz to see what you know about addiction, go to www.chasingthescream.com
https://youtu.be/ao8L-0nSYzg
This video is adapted from Johann Hari's New York Times best-selling book 'Chasing The Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs.' For more information, and to take a quiz to see what you know about addiction, go to www.chasingthescream.com
Last edited by 2Frazzled; 12-19-2016 at 12:27 AM. Reason: more information
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
I believe that lack of connection between child and mother / father during the age 0-6 can significantly contribute to addiction habit (self soothing). However I don't think parents or partners may fix this later on. It must be hard work put in by the addict. I am sorry for them as mostly addiction is rooted in family relationships but I don't believe that by loving addict who is not working hard in their recovery helps..
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Nata, there is a thread about CRAFT and resources in the F&F Secular subforum if you are interested in reading.
One thing that really turned me off to the whole CRAFT approach was a study (CRAFT designed) I read in which researchers were trying to keep teens off of MJ and other drugs. It was a reward program. If the young person stayed off of all drugs that week, they would get things like Apple Store gift cards and so on. Apparently it was successful to a certain extent, but it just felt like more entitlement for the addicted mind...like giving a child a lollipop for each hand so that they would not throw a tantrum when asked to go to bed. I suppose I'm just old school....
I will say this, though. I don't think addicts, as a whole, should be vilified and purposefully shamed. That leads to a stigma that seems to be a stumbling block for so many. I think that being supported by others struggling in the same way is a powerful help.
One thing that really turned me off to the whole CRAFT approach was a study (CRAFT designed) I read in which researchers were trying to keep teens off of MJ and other drugs. It was a reward program. If the young person stayed off of all drugs that week, they would get things like Apple Store gift cards and so on. Apparently it was successful to a certain extent, but it just felt like more entitlement for the addicted mind...like giving a child a lollipop for each hand so that they would not throw a tantrum when asked to go to bed. I suppose I'm just old school....
I will say this, though. I don't think addicts, as a whole, should be vilified and purposefully shamed. That leads to a stigma that seems to be a stumbling block for so many. I think that being supported by others struggling in the same way is a powerful help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
The mind is a complicated organ. What is a common theme with most addicts and people in general is blame. It's so much easier to blame your problems on something else or someone else. Like, my job sucks, my wife sucks, daddy didn't show me enough love when I was little, the weather is awful, or any number of curveballs that life throws you. At the end of the day, they are all just excuses to rationalize inappropriate behavior that's more than likely rooted in that person simply not having the appropriate tools to deal with life on a daily basis. Most addicts use because it makes them feel better or like themselves better for that brief amount of time they are using. Sure, there are cases with dual diagnosis but a lot of people just like the way they feel when they are drinking. In my case, once I figured out that the hour I spent nightly medicating myself didn't remove my problems as I woke up the next morning the problems were still there, my life got a whole lot clearer. I realized my problem was my problem and it affected the people I cared about most. I now have a full tool box at my disposal to center myself and think clearly about stuff and not take the easy road of just trying to erase my problems temporarily with booze. Blame is a crutch. Taking personal responsibility is the backbone of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by TobeC
The mind is a complicated organ. What is a common theme with most addicts and people in general is blame. It's so much easier to blame your problems on something else or someone else. Like, my job sucks, my wife sucks, daddy didn't show me enough love when I was little, the weather is awful, or any number of curveballs that life throws you. At the end of the day, they are all just excuses to rationalize inappropriate behavior that's more than likely rooted in that person simply not having the appropriate tools to deal with life on a daily basis. Most addicts use because it makes them feel better or like themselves better for that brief amount of time they are using. Sure, there are cases with dual diagnosis but a lot of people just like the way they feel when they are drinking. In my case, once I figured out that the hour I spent nightly medicating myself didn't remove my problems as I woke up the next morning the problems were still there, my life got a whole lot clearer. I realized my problem was my problem and it affected the people I cared about most. I now have a full tool box at my disposal to center myself and think clearly about stuff and not take the easy road of just trying to erase my problems temporarily with booze. Blame is a crutch. Taking personal responsibility is the backbone of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Thing is, now I'm in recovery I can see that I was loved. But until I stopped drinking and believing my own BS then no matter how much love was shown to me, it would have changed a thing. I needed to want to get well. Want it so, so much that I was prepared to do anything - even take responsibility for myself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
That theory was also posed by Gabor Mate, for whom I have a lot of respect, but I have to say that his video that discussed Rat Park (not sure which source the OP is citing here) irked me in a way, because in my situation, my AH has NOTHING but connection, although maybe there's a big piece missing in his head that connects reality with his feelings. He has a big loving family, a wife who has stuck with him, his mother loved him to pieces, his kids adore him, people just are totally attracted to his outgoing nature and funny, down-to-earth Scottish demeanor, and he has a doting dog.
So where's the lack of connection? In my mind, the guy is in Rat Park, the good one with the fun and the friends and family who loves him unconditionally. He's the one that's choosing to stand behind the fence, choosing alcohol.
I appreciate TobeC shedding light on this from his perspective. I realize the complexity of our feelings, and so I do feel that this idea that all the addict needs is the distraction of people and activity is a bit simplistic, at least based on my experience.
The mystery is in the complexity.
So where's the lack of connection? In my mind, the guy is in Rat Park, the good one with the fun and the friends and family who loves him unconditionally. He's the one that's choosing to stand behind the fence, choosing alcohol.
I appreciate TobeC shedding light on this from his perspective. I realize the complexity of our feelings, and so I do feel that this idea that all the addict needs is the distraction of people and activity is a bit simplistic, at least based on my experience.
The mystery is in the complexity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
My son once had a heartfelt text exchange with my alcoholic mother. He was saying how he feared for her life, how he wanted her to be at his wedding ,etc. etc. She texted back that my enabling father said that she needed "unconditional love", not tough love. I think my father has been trying the CRAFT method for years now. My AM has never even attempted to quit drinking. My frustration is that the addicts seem to get an inordinate amount of forgiveness, free passes, attention, people trying to please their every whims. I once said to my father, "Why do we all dance around the needs of the one person who causes all of the pain in our family?"
I get very triggered with the idea that those of us who have taken the addict out of our lives, don't love them. We have loved them soooo much, that we have forgotten to love ourselves.
I get very triggered with the idea that those of us who have taken the addict out of our lives, don't love them. We have loved them soooo much, that we have forgotten to love ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I get very triggered with the idea that those of us who have taken the addict out of our lives, don't love them. We have loved them soooo much, that we have forgotten to love ourselves.
IMO this is the same for the enabler. It's just that they may not have meet recovery yet. It's a matter of degree of taking yourself out. Some may need to start with little steps.
IMO this is the same for the enabler. It's just that they may not have meet recovery yet. It's a matter of degree of taking yourself out. Some may need to start with little steps.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
