OrangeAddicted

Hi everyone,

This is my first post in forum like this. In fact, this is the very first time I'll have disclosed my addiction to anyone. I'm not sure what to expect, as I'm not really even sure what I'm looking for. Lately, I've just been consumed with the need tell someone about my "other" life.

It started about 6 years ago. I was in my teenage years, (I'm 23 now), and was going through my drug experimentation phase. I smoked a lot of pot and tried other things I'm not too proud of, though nothing that's considered "hard".

One night, a friend of mine gave me some Ritalin. I was told to grind it up and snort it for a pretty good time. Well I was told that it was just kids medicine and not even really a big deal; I might get a buzz but no major effect. So later that night I did as instructed, but the experience was far from a mild buzz.

I had never felt better in my life. Suddenly, the whole world was in my grasp. I felt amazing, but the most profound effect was the incredible sense of motivation it gave me. For the first time, I could see my future and how I was on the wrong track. I was filled with so many ideas of how I could straighten out and become a better person. I decided that the next day, I would quit all drugs and change my ways.

Well my future didn't exactly turn out the way I planned that first night cracked out on Ritalin. In fact, neither did the next morning. I felt tired, depressed, and just plain awful. Even worse, this is when the seed of my addiction was planted.

Over the course of the next couple years, I quit doing all the other drugs and found myself left with just pot and of course, Ritalin. Up untill about a year ago, I would snort it about 3 nights a week on all-night binges and go to work the next day without a wink of sleep.

A year ago, I moved in with my partner who had no idea about this aspect of my life. This gave me the chance I needed to finally quit. I couldn't snort it anymore, so i thought I was home-free. Well i was wrong...

About 8 months ago, I found a new drug on a similar line as Ritalin; Adderal. As much as I knew I shouldn't and really didn't want to, I decided to try it "just once". It's laughable now, because this addiction has replaced the old one and with a vengence. I don't snort it anymore, or do it at night. I would quickly get caught if I did that. Instead, I take it orally and at work.

I love to try and trick myself into thinking that it's good for me; that I can get so much more work done when zipping around on Adderal. Realistically though, the days when I'm not on it are just awful. I don't even consider a day worthwhile unless I've found those magic Orange capsules.

About a week ago, I was in a nostalgic mood and while recalling the foolish things that I've done in my life it suddenly hit me: I'm seriously and hopelessly addicited.

And that brings me to this moment , and wow, that was quite a long post. It's funny but that was the extremely condensed version of my story. Thank you for reading it, I feel better just knowing that people out there know my story, even if they don't know me personally.

Like i said earlier, I don't know what to expect from this or if this is even appropriate for this forum. I suppose I just feel so incredible alone with this problem. It would be comforting and hopefully inspiring, to here some stories of people with similar problems.

Thanks again for listening.

-OrangeAddicted-

sherbear5104

Hi Orange, welcome to SoberRecovery. I am a recovering addict. I have experimented with several drugs. A drug is a drug, and once addicted, all drugs must be avoided. Since you are beginning to realize that you have a problem, you might want to check out an NA meeting. People there will understand what you are going through, because we've been there. You also might want to check out the substance abuse and narcotics anonymous forums that we have here. There is a solution, if you want to quit. It's up to you. Sounds like you are tired of living the way you are now. There is a better way, and we live it one day at a time. Please read some other posts and know that you are not alone. And also that it can get better. Prayers going out to you.

Sherry

Paulie

Hi Orange and welcome from me to.

You are NOT alone, there are several people here just like you. I applaud you for admitting your addiction, now what are you going to do about it? That is the big question.
As was suggested, meetings and a 12 step program, that is what has worked so far for me too, but that is not the only way to get clean.

Stick around here and get to know people, you will get a great deal of support and friendship.

OrangeAddicted

Thank you for your replies

Does anyone out there have a similar addiction? I'm wondering if I really am the only one.

-OrangeAddicted-

sherbear5104

I am battling an addiction to coke but I have used ridilin when I couldn't find the hard stuff. Matter of fact, I have used it quite often when I had no money for the other stuff, too. You are not alone. Regardless if anyone has done it or not, a drug is a drug. And alcohol IS a drug. Hang in there. Have you checked out NA?

Sherry

OrangeAddicted

I know this post is 12 years old so please forgive me for bringing it back from the dead. I myself am 12 years older now than the person who posted this and have come back from the dead in a sense too.

I'm not sure how this post made its way into my memory this morning. Perhaps it was divine intervention, perhaps it's because this was the only time I ever reached out for help regarding my addiction.

In the 12 years following this post, I continued abusing prescription medications like Adderall and pain meds as well as becoming an alcoholic when those sources frequently dried up. I stole from my family and friends, lied constantly and hid everything from everyone.

I formally quit drugs and alcohol about 6 years ago when I developed a relationship with God - since then, I've grown considerably. I have a successful career, got married and am even enjoying my first child; a beautiful 2 month old girl.

I wish I could say that I eventually rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. The truth is though, I never really got any help with my addiction. It still lies just below the surface of everything I am and do; waiting for the slightest opportunity to present itself. I realize now that I've built intricate walls of accountability around me that protect me from these opportunities. Unfortunately, there have been many times in the past 6 years that I've found a crack in this wall and have slipped… swiped a few pills here… drank a few bottles of wine there.

I have to laugh as I write this because just as I didn't know what I was looking for then, I still don't know what I'm looking for in writing this post now. Perhaps another 12 years will provide the clarity I've been looking for my whole life.

God bless you all – my brothers and sisters in the fight against this terrible disease. Thank you for allowing me this voice once again.

Meraviglioso

Powerful. Welcome back OrangeAddicted. Though not particularly religious myself I have to hand you the "divine intervention" part- it truly sounds like a wake up wall, something led you here. While we don't rejoice in the reason you are back and most certainly would have preferred a much different update after 12 years, we are happy to have you back nonetheless. You CAN do this. I think first in these circumstances one needs just general love and support, a "liking of the wounds" period so-to-speak, but very shortly after the real work starts and for that you need a plan. How can we help you come up with a plan to address this very huge and ongoing issue in your life that is preventing you from being the man you want to be?

doggonecarl

I relapsed on drugs after many years clean primarily because I left a crack open for my addiction to crawl through. It was a narrow crack, it didn't allow for but that one time, but that one time could have been enough. Enough to widen it for a second relapse, and maybe a return to addiction.

Please don't trust time to take care of it completely. I've struggled my whole life with drugs and drinking. I expect to struggle my remaining life if I make the mistake and drink or use. So work a program of recovery. Seal that "crack in the wall."

ScottFromWI

A lot of us have been where you are now Orange, and welcome back to SR. Read your two statements above...they repeat a common message heard many more times in your post. That message is that if you don't actively accept/recognize/treat your addiction actively, it will always win the battle. Simply "not drinking" and sobriety are completely different things. And don't worry, many of us have been there - multiple times.

I'm glad you are hear today, you say you still don't know what you are looking for, but if it's to stop drinking/using you are in the right place.

theVman31

Ive been formally quitting for roughly 12 years too.
In 2004 I went to see a Dr for the first time and said im no longer in control of alcohol and drugs.

Joined SR in March posted two or three times then came back in june. Since june I found one crack but it was a big one ( binged for a week)

I think now 2016 will be the year I got sober.

Take care and Welcome back.