People who keep you down
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 6
People who keep you down
Hey all,
I have been sober one week and I just joined AA and got a sponsor. I am definitely an alcoholic...though a high functioning one. That's part of the problem. I have a group of friends who party every weekend with beer, pot, cigarettes, occasionally cocaine (I've only ever tried that one once in my life), occasionally ice (never tried), occasionally pills (never tried).
I try to be a responsible individual, but I definitely do have alcoholism like the big book describes (though lesser severity than a lot of people). I went to AA self-referred and I have even told my friends that I am doing AA and I can't be out partying with them and they are fine with that.
Two problem friends however are not fine with this. One is a female coworker that I hung out with for a few years and the other is an ex-girlfriend who hangs out with the same group. These two women have this way of making it very difficult to stay sober. For one thing, I work with them both, so I have to face them 5 days a week. The other thing is that I have known them for years.
My ex-girlfriend (who still wants me to be her boyfriend), will act super nice and soften me up and ask me to help her with this task and that task and then eventually the weekend would roll around and we'd party and then I'd soften up so much that we'd end up back together again. This has happened 3 times. Normally the alcoholic guy messes up and then comes crawling back to the woman begging for forgiveness and for her to take him back (at least according to popular media). With me, I want to be away from her because I am certain that she is not the right girl for me. I am creeped out by this woman because I have told her that I am unstable/unfit to be a boyfriend and I have substance abuse issues and that a relationship would just cause pain...but she keeps after me and makes me feel like the lowest scum of the earth when I turn her down. Put a little alcohol in me and she is able to convince me to get back together; then I get sober and I break up with her.
The other woman calls me her best friend (she is married; but never anything sexual or affair like happening) and when I tried to get sober on my own a few times, I am stuck either partying with them while sober or avoiding the party scene, but getting VERY VERY guilt tripped by this woman. She tells me that I am not an alcoholic and even convinced me (after 60 days sober one time) to smoke pot when I was having a bad day. When I first joined AA and told her this, her husband came up to me at work and said that she was very upset that I wouldn't be drinking and smoking pot with them anymore.
I do have the right to tell people that I am joining AA and would like to get off alcohol and pot and that I need to be able to avoid the party scene, right? Do I have to visit my old party scene and be around people who are drunk, smoking pot and cigarettes to not be a bad person?
I am an alcoholic who wants to be well and I am being made to feel like a bad guy for not being a boyfriend to the wrong girl and a part of the party.
Maybe I am out of line of saying this, but I think women have a rare gift for making men feel lower than lowest scum of the earth. In this case, I am an alcoholic who wants to do the right thing...and I am the bad guy. I want to go to AA so that I can get out of this stupid cycle which is depressing the hell out of me and so that I can develop a real life and have real relationships (rather than relationships where I agree to be with the wrong girl in moments of intoxication/weakness and then have to break up).
What's my part? I keep caving in; I keep being around these women when I am impaired. I keep agreeing to help these women out with favors here and there (fix this, fix that), which leads to let's smoke (pot), etc. I keep feeling bad when they text me " Miss you
.... " I hate being confrontational and I always feel like I owe them an explanation. Maybe my delusion is that these women are my friends.
At this point I would love to have an identical clone of myself made so that I can give my party-friends that clone and then I can go off to AA guilt-free.
I would like feedback. How does one deal with the influences of the past? What explanations do I owe them? Lastly, do some women treat low-self-esteem alcoholic nice guy men as their pets or something...is that a 'thing' in our culture? How do y'all handle past influences (especially when you have to work with them)?
I have been sober one week and I just joined AA and got a sponsor. I am definitely an alcoholic...though a high functioning one. That's part of the problem. I have a group of friends who party every weekend with beer, pot, cigarettes, occasionally cocaine (I've only ever tried that one once in my life), occasionally ice (never tried), occasionally pills (never tried).
I try to be a responsible individual, but I definitely do have alcoholism like the big book describes (though lesser severity than a lot of people). I went to AA self-referred and I have even told my friends that I am doing AA and I can't be out partying with them and they are fine with that.
Two problem friends however are not fine with this. One is a female coworker that I hung out with for a few years and the other is an ex-girlfriend who hangs out with the same group. These two women have this way of making it very difficult to stay sober. For one thing, I work with them both, so I have to face them 5 days a week. The other thing is that I have known them for years.
My ex-girlfriend (who still wants me to be her boyfriend), will act super nice and soften me up and ask me to help her with this task and that task and then eventually the weekend would roll around and we'd party and then I'd soften up so much that we'd end up back together again. This has happened 3 times. Normally the alcoholic guy messes up and then comes crawling back to the woman begging for forgiveness and for her to take him back (at least according to popular media). With me, I want to be away from her because I am certain that she is not the right girl for me. I am creeped out by this woman because I have told her that I am unstable/unfit to be a boyfriend and I have substance abuse issues and that a relationship would just cause pain...but she keeps after me and makes me feel like the lowest scum of the earth when I turn her down. Put a little alcohol in me and she is able to convince me to get back together; then I get sober and I break up with her.
The other woman calls me her best friend (she is married; but never anything sexual or affair like happening) and when I tried to get sober on my own a few times, I am stuck either partying with them while sober or avoiding the party scene, but getting VERY VERY guilt tripped by this woman. She tells me that I am not an alcoholic and even convinced me (after 60 days sober one time) to smoke pot when I was having a bad day. When I first joined AA and told her this, her husband came up to me at work and said that she was very upset that I wouldn't be drinking and smoking pot with them anymore.
I do have the right to tell people that I am joining AA and would like to get off alcohol and pot and that I need to be able to avoid the party scene, right? Do I have to visit my old party scene and be around people who are drunk, smoking pot and cigarettes to not be a bad person?
I am an alcoholic who wants to be well and I am being made to feel like a bad guy for not being a boyfriend to the wrong girl and a part of the party.
Maybe I am out of line of saying this, but I think women have a rare gift for making men feel lower than lowest scum of the earth. In this case, I am an alcoholic who wants to do the right thing...and I am the bad guy. I want to go to AA so that I can get out of this stupid cycle which is depressing the hell out of me and so that I can develop a real life and have real relationships (rather than relationships where I agree to be with the wrong girl in moments of intoxication/weakness and then have to break up).
What's my part? I keep caving in; I keep being around these women when I am impaired. I keep agreeing to help these women out with favors here and there (fix this, fix that), which leads to let's smoke (pot), etc. I keep feeling bad when they text me " Miss you
.... " I hate being confrontational and I always feel like I owe them an explanation. Maybe my delusion is that these women are my friends. At this point I would love to have an identical clone of myself made so that I can give my party-friends that clone and then I can go off to AA guilt-free.
I would like feedback. How does one deal with the influences of the past? What explanations do I owe them? Lastly, do some women treat low-self-esteem alcoholic nice guy men as their pets or something...is that a 'thing' in our culture? How do y'all handle past influences (especially when you have to work with them)?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome and good on your decision!
"I do have the right to tell people that I am joining AA and would like to get off alcohol and pot and that I need to be able to avoid the party scene, right? Do I have to visit my old party scene and be around people who are drunk, smoking pot and cigarettes to not be a bad person? "
you have every right in the world to put you and your sobriety 1st. you have every right to get away from wet places and wet faces. you have every right to put up boundaries.
and if people don't like it?
that's their problem.
there is a book that some in AA read called "24 hours a day." it has a thought for the day, meditation, and a prayer. heres the one for January 6th:
A.A. Thought for the Day
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it, God cannot give me His power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life
"I would like feedback. How does one deal with the influences of the past? What explanations do I owe them? "
I got away from the wet faces and no explaination was necessary.
it reads like youre like me in that ya put the needs of others before your own?
if that's the case, its time to put your needs 1st. this is a life or death matter and you deserve to be #1 in your life.
keep goin to meetings, read the big book, and work the steps!
it works if ya work it so work it youre worth it!
"I do have the right to tell people that I am joining AA and would like to get off alcohol and pot and that I need to be able to avoid the party scene, right? Do I have to visit my old party scene and be around people who are drunk, smoking pot and cigarettes to not be a bad person? "
you have every right in the world to put you and your sobriety 1st. you have every right to get away from wet places and wet faces. you have every right to put up boundaries.
and if people don't like it?
that's their problem.
there is a book that some in AA read called "24 hours a day." it has a thought for the day, meditation, and a prayer. heres the one for January 6th:
A.A. Thought for the Day
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it, God cannot give me His power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life
"I would like feedback. How does one deal with the influences of the past? What explanations do I owe them? "
I got away from the wet faces and no explaination was necessary.
it reads like youre like me in that ya put the needs of others before your own?
if that's the case, its time to put your needs 1st. this is a life or death matter and you deserve to be #1 in your life.
keep goin to meetings, read the big book, and work the steps!
it works if ya work it so work it youre worth it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
It sounds as though you could use some different friends. You would not be the first drinker to recognize that people (your friends) places (pubs, bars, other gathering places where people drink), and things (helping former gf leads to drinking leads to getting together) are all doing your good intentions in. How about making your sobriety number 1, then taking it from there? Hang with the friends who are fine with your not drinking. Don't hang with the ones who seem determined that you will drink and smoke with them.
People who don't accept your new terms are not your friends. They are your drinking buddies. There's a difference. Peace.
People who don't accept your new terms are not your friends. They are your drinking buddies. There's a difference. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 122
My first reaction is "wow, those girls are psycho", but thinking about it, they might think they're being fun/nice and showing you that they really like having your company. However, if you've straight up told them that you're going to AA and trying to quit (which, wow, you are super straight forward and honest with them. That just makes you seem like a super likable person right out of the gates), then they are being selfish.
I know it's not always easy to just "get new friends", but maybe value their grumbling a little less. A coworker and an ex-girlfriend (who you don't even really like?) are not some of the most important people in your life, and there's no reason for you to cave in on something you're resolved to do because THEY want to do it.
As was mentioned, just put a bit more time into the friends who support you! Eventually, if those girls really care about you, they'll come around.
I know it's not always easy to just "get new friends", but maybe value their grumbling a little less. A coworker and an ex-girlfriend (who you don't even really like?) are not some of the most important people in your life, and there's no reason for you to cave in on something you're resolved to do because THEY want to do it.
As was mentioned, just put a bit more time into the friends who support you! Eventually, if those girls really care about you, they'll come around.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
lot of the people I called friends were really drinking buddies.
My real friends, even those who drank, were the ones that support my decision for change.
It sounds to me like this group is not at all conducive to recovery, AAA.
D
My real friends, even those who drank, were the ones that support my decision for change.
It sounds to me like this group is not at all conducive to recovery, AAA.
D
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Welcome to sr.
You are an adult and don't have to explain yourself to anyone. My sobriety is my business I don't explain it to anyone and certainly don't need anyone's permiussion to not drink.
I've needed to stop associating with drinking buddies. They are not friends.
You are an adult and don't have to explain yourself to anyone. My sobriety is my business I don't explain it to anyone and certainly don't need anyone's permiussion to not drink.
I've needed to stop associating with drinking buddies. They are not friends.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hiya. I could be wrong, but ut sounds like there could be a few codie traits to tackle along with the alcoholism. I heard about CoDa (codependent anon) from other men and women at AA who go to both. I've been to a few CoDa meetings , but found their handbook breath-takingly true to my experiences and how I used to deal with people and situations. The CoDa handbook is available online. It really helped me to understand my people-pleasing and why I would do stuff I didn't want to do to gain approval of people (even when I didn't even really like those people, or value their opinion ffs).
You'll find that if you stick with AA, and work the 12-step program with a sponsor you will find out a lot about yourself and learn to NOT let others behaviour dictate your feelings. You say people MAKE you feel a certain way. That's exactly what I (and many others used to think), and thankfully I found over time in recovery that I was wrong about that. People do or say stuff. Stuff happens. And I have a choice about whether I allow those things to affect my feelings. I can choose not to be angry if I want. I can say NO to people and if that is disappointing to them and they think badly of me, then so be it. As long as I know in myself that I was doing the next best thing then I can live with it.
As a codie alcoholic in recovery, every day I pray to my HP that I will be mindful enough to detach myself from the desire of being admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known and honoured, and I pray that I will be able to detach myself from the fear of being criticized, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten. Because you know what, it wasn't life and the other people that made me feel badly. It was my fear and ego that led me to those feelings.
Things do get easier.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
You'll find that if you stick with AA, and work the 12-step program with a sponsor you will find out a lot about yourself and learn to NOT let others behaviour dictate your feelings. You say people MAKE you feel a certain way. That's exactly what I (and many others used to think), and thankfully I found over time in recovery that I was wrong about that. People do or say stuff. Stuff happens. And I have a choice about whether I allow those things to affect my feelings. I can choose not to be angry if I want. I can say NO to people and if that is disappointing to them and they think badly of me, then so be it. As long as I know in myself that I was doing the next best thing then I can live with it.
As a codie alcoholic in recovery, every day I pray to my HP that I will be mindful enough to detach myself from the desire of being admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known and honoured, and I pray that I will be able to detach myself from the fear of being criticized, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten. Because you know what, it wasn't life and the other people that made me feel badly. It was my fear and ego that led me to those feelings.
Things do get easier.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
Hi AA,
If you learn to be assertive with what you want (which includes not drinking), then you soon will not feel like a pet to these women. Each time you cave in and drink, you feel like a pet because that is what alcohol does to an alcoholic, it affects us negatively and our life. The solution here is very simple - commit to your sobriety, inform these two women that you are sober and do not want to drink or go out to drinking related activities, and that you need some time and space to work on yourself. If they try and pressure you to go out, remind them that you need your space. If they continue pressuring you, stop returning their calls and texts. If they still continue, then it may be good to block their numbers. Your have a right to take care of yourself. If you continue taking care of other people before yourself, you are likely to end up in trouble somehow and learn this lesson the hard way. Why wait to learn the lesson? Do it for yourself now. Good luck!
If you learn to be assertive with what you want (which includes not drinking), then you soon will not feel like a pet to these women. Each time you cave in and drink, you feel like a pet because that is what alcohol does to an alcoholic, it affects us negatively and our life. The solution here is very simple - commit to your sobriety, inform these two women that you are sober and do not want to drink or go out to drinking related activities, and that you need some time and space to work on yourself. If they try and pressure you to go out, remind them that you need your space. If they continue pressuring you, stop returning their calls and texts. If they still continue, then it may be good to block their numbers. Your have a right to take care of yourself. If you continue taking care of other people before yourself, you are likely to end up in trouble somehow and learn this lesson the hard way. Why wait to learn the lesson? Do it for yourself now. Good luck!
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
It is important to not care about what people think of you. As you grow in life and in sobriety, you find you must set your own course.
Sorry these girls are not more supportive, but you are the prize here. Not them.
Stay strong, tell them you are busy with other things, have other plans with sober friends from AA.
Anyone who does not support you when you out and out tell them you are working AA is not a friend. More like a devil on your shoulder. Shake 'em off.
Sorry these girls are not more supportive, but you are the prize here. Not them.
Stay strong, tell them you are busy with other things, have other plans with sober friends from AA.
Anyone who does not support you when you out and out tell them you are working AA is not a friend. More like a devil on your shoulder. Shake 'em off.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
I gotta agree with Readyatlast. Your sobriety is your own business. Gotta put yourself first. As for myself, NOTHING comes before my sobriety. Anything I put ahead of it I'm going to lose. Lots of us have to find that out the hard way. Stay strong and do what's best for you. If other ppl in your life can't handle it, that's their issue. You shouldn't have to concern yourself with it or let it disturb what you're trying to accomplish.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
I was also very high-functioning (whatever the duck that means...lol). Alcoholism kills people. As in dead.
We may have more "yets" that aren't realized, but trust me, they are just around the corner.
I was still doing anesthesia for 60+ hours per week and was "managing" my life when I came AA. IMO, bottoms are internal, not external. I looked great from the outside, but was not functioning on the inside.
Make a clean break when you are ready. You don't have to tell anyone anything. Make a PLAN and follow the PLAN. Every day.
We may have more "yets" that aren't realized, but trust me, they are just around the corner.
I was still doing anesthesia for 60+ hours per week and was "managing" my life when I came AA. IMO, bottoms are internal, not external. I looked great from the outside, but was not functioning on the inside.
Make a clean break when you are ready. You don't have to tell anyone anything. Make a PLAN and follow the PLAN. Every day.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Many of us have to change the people we spend time with if we recognize that they are toxic for us. Its not easy, but it's going to help you in your recovery. You are spending energy and stressing yourself over people that you don't want to or need to spend time with. This is when making boundaries can be an exhilarating step in your recovery. Do what is right for you and focus on your recovery.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
They're getting some kind of affirmation fix from manipulating you. If being a "bad person" in their world means being a sober person in yours, guess who wins...it's your health and your life that are at stake. Real friends would be supportive.
Not to be all grandma on you, but be very very careful with the woman who keeps reeling you back in to be some kind of boyfriend, which I assumes means sex. It wouldn't be the first time someone ended up being a parent because the other party was desperate not to break up.
Not to be all grandma on you, but be very very careful with the woman who keeps reeling you back in to be some kind of boyfriend, which I assumes means sex. It wouldn't be the first time someone ended up being a parent because the other party was desperate not to break up.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Best for most when sobering up to stay away from drinking and using friends. After I was sober for a while I found hanging out with these ones to be boring. My (good friends) who drink a little at times didn't drink around me for a long time after I sobered up.
Down the sober road things look different and we may be able to hang out in places that were not so inviting in early sobriety.
M-Bob
Down the sober road things look different and we may be able to hang out in places that were not so inviting in early sobriety.
M-Bob
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
