Please read, I need input

Old 10-08-2004, 12:12 PM
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Please read, I need input

My 18 year old daughter is back to drinking. We have a delima, we told her we would loan her the money to buy a car so she could get around and to and from work, now we are unsure if we should or not. we don't want to control her and say no after we said yes but if she gets in an accident I don't know if I could stand that knowing we helped her get a car. Things at home go good for so long and then when you confront her about drinking or drug use she flips out and is going to move out. We have been attending al-alon meetings and they help We know we need to let her go and fail, we have always been here to pick her up. Maybe when she hits bottom she will realize what's going on. She was in residential rehab for 8 months and was clean for 12 months when she relapsed. Please reply, all input would be appreciated. It is so hard to detatch from my daughter. but I know I must.
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Old 10-08-2004, 12:26 PM
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Wow

This is a hard decision, I imagine.
I am thinking of this way...I would not give a suicidal person a gun as a gift. I would not give my toddler a knife to play with.
Unless your daughter is able to become sober, I can understand your apprehension about giving her the car (even if it's a loan, it's for that purpose).
By putting that "weapon" into the hands of a person out of control, it becomes predictable/expected that they could hurt themselves and OTHER
PEOPLE in an alcohol related accident.
I don't know...my reasoning may be out of line/skewed but I would feel hesitant just as you do.
Perhaps the responsibility of taking control of her own life, getting the drinking under control and earning her own money for the car would be a good thing.
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Old 10-08-2004, 12:27 PM
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I wish I could give advice that could help. I am too new for that. The only thing I can tell you is that by posting, it has helped me deal with things a little better, so keep posting! I'm sure others with more experience will give you good advice.I can tell you I really feel for you and what you must be going through. I hope for the best for you, your Daughter, and Family. Keep posting and sharing, it can only help.
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Old 10-08-2004, 12:34 PM
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New too

I just want to add that I am new too....
But I offered my input so that you would understand that there is another person out here who identifies with your apprehension.
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Old 10-08-2004, 12:36 PM
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It is what it is!!!
 
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Take it from the daughters point of veiw (that is me) who is now blessed to be sober.

You are under no obligation to loan her the money for the car just cause you said you would. Did she say she would stay clean? did she hold up her end of the deal? I say this all time, and in saying in no way am I blaming my mom for my using/drinking. But when I was finally cut off with help from her....I found my way to sobriety faster. When she finally cut me off and I was living in my car, until I traded that for drugs.

Enabling is enabling. By you not giving her money for a car will it help her get clean sooner, I don't know, but it will definately help her from not drinking and driving.

God Bless.
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Old 10-08-2004, 12:40 PM
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HI frustrated...I would listen to Paulie! She knows of what she speaks... I would have to agree with everyone else, as well. You agreed to loan her the money for the car assuming she had quit using and was willing and CAPABLE of dealing with the responsibility that goes along with that - which includes NOT drinking if you are an alchoholic. I know it seems like a tough decision, but is it really? If it weren't your daughter and a active alchoholic wanted you to loan them money for a car, would you? I don't know - sometimes it helps me if I take myself and my personal feelings out of the picture (easier said than done) and try to figure out how someone else would handle it. Good luck!
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Old 10-08-2004, 12:40 PM
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frustrated - don't have that situation so i'm not sure what i would do - i feel your pain - the disease sucks big time. hugs and support to you - cwohio
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Old 10-08-2004, 01:06 PM
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Frustrated,

Originally Posted by Paulie
You are under no obligation to loan her the money for the car just cause you said you would. Did she say she would stay clean? did she hold up her end of the deal?
Paulie speaks loudly when she points out that there is nothing wrong with determining that lending her the money would not be the best option. This may be crazy, but if she is 18 and drinking, I would want to know why she thinks that it is okay for her to be drinking when the legal age is 21? There are boundaries out there already, set by the government, that you cannot legally drink until you are 21. This isn't Mom and Dad's rules, these are the rules of society as a whole. If she doesn't follow the most basic of societal rules, then there will be consequences. This is not being mean - this is life. Rules can be healthy boundaries that help us to make it through the day with a lesser amount of chaos.

We don't get any guarantees about anything in life. And there are many reasons why you might need to make the decision to not loan her the money. Bottom line, if you feel uneasy even the slightest regarding loaning her the money, then I would hold off doing so until you can determine what specifically is making you feel uneasy and can verbalize this to her. She doesn't have to agree with how you see things. I would bet money that she won't - but the alcoholic is not going to embrace logic and healthy boundaries if they keep them from what they want. You're not going to get permission from you daughter to be her mother. You are her mother and you know why you feel the way you do. It might help if you list out for yourself the specific reasons why you are uncomfortable with loaning her the money. Then if there should be any pouting or fussing about why you won't help her you'll have your list to refer to.

Good luck with this - life is hard enough at times without any added drama. Take care -

Petunia
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Old 10-08-2004, 07:29 PM
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If she wants a car, she'll need money. If she doesn't get the money from you, she'll need to get a job and earn some money. If she needs to get a job, she'll need to be sober. It will be up to her whether she wants a car or alcohol more.

If you loan her the money, she doesn't need to make that decision.

That, to me, is the bottom line of our role in this. When we take away their need to make their own decisions, we enable.
Hugs - L
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Old 10-08-2004, 11:17 PM
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I'm NOT new here, have been at this a number of years. So I can say with confidence

NO CAR. NO money for a car. There are rules and boundaries and actions, choices and consequences. Adult choices= adult consequences. I like what Lorelai said, it will be up to her whether she wants a car or alcohol more.

If she buys her own car, then you are limited as to what you can say about what she does with it, other than that its NEVER ok to drive while drunk as she could hurt other innocent people. If you finance her car,and/or if she is living in YOUR house, then you have every right to put conditions on it, especially where illegal drugs or alcohol are concerned.

Good luck. I've been in this position and it's not an easy one.

Hugs and love
Barb
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